Journey to myself
by HTTS-76
Summary: A young Christian man is sent away from home to make himself better. He wants to be better; he wants his parents to love him and he wants God to love him. He realizes that it is OK to be this way but he wonders why his parents taught him to hate himself.
1. 00 Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Title: Journey to myself

Chapters: no idea how many I'm going to write

Genre: hurt/comfort, drama, romance

Rating: NC-17 (for self-harm and future sexual situations)

Warning: self-harm (cutting)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and everything I write is with the use of my imagination

This story is based on the movie 'Latter Days', I don't know who has seen it, but it's about a hot party guy (Christian) and a Mormon missionary (Aaron) who live next to each other. Christian has to convert one of them as a part of a fifty dollar bet and he sure tries his hardest. Problem number one: Aaron is gay. Problem number two: they fall for each other. When Aaron's comrades see Aaron and Christian kissing, Aaron gets sent back home and he is kicked out of church for committing this 'sin' that they're all so against. To make a long story short: Christian feels more for Aaron than just a shallow crush and goes after him and tries to find him. Aaron tries to commit suicide and his parents put him in a center that is supposed to make him better. At the end of the movie, Aaron stops by a restaurant called 'Lila's', where Christian also works. They see each other run over to each other and embrace each other and they lived happily ever after, I think. We don't actually get to see that. We just see them holding hands at a table where they're having dinner with Christian's co-workers and boss.

I wanted to write something about a Christian who firmly believes that his feelings are an abomination to God, so he tries to change. I have no idea who would want to change themselves for someone else, but there you go, it does happen (in the US for example). I wanted to write about self-acceptance and the insecurities that come with it. I would imagine that someone who has denied his own feelings for years would have self-esteem of absolutely zero. But then again, that is my imagination. I don't know anyone who is a Christian and gay and tries to change himself, so everything you read in this story is based in my imagination and what I think would happen. This is also very OOC and non-magic.

It deals with the feelings of a person who thinks he's bad because his parents taught him that and his church teaches him that. I decided to explore someone like Aaron in the movie because it seemed interesting to me to crawl into the head of someone who has to deny who he is to be loved by God and his parents. Then of course you've got a man (or three) who are completely OK with their gayness and it blows the religious character away (I won't say who it is yet). This also deals with self-loathing which I think may be a common thing around young men or women who hate who they are because they are taught that others hate it. The main character tries to cut the Devil out of his body in the hope that he will be free from his feelings. I don't know why I chose self-harm, but I think someone like the main character would do that to 'cleanse' his soul as it were.

I have no idea how many chapters I am going to write, but I'm currently writing chapter number seven, so I think there will be a lot more chapters.

Again, everything in this story is based on my imagination and I have no idea how much of it really happens, though I have no doubt that it does happen. I'm not religious, I'm an atheist (and gay and perfectly OK with that), but I tried to imagine being a devout Christian who takes the Bible very literally and seriously. I took religion class in elementary school for about two years, but I knew deep in my small heart that I believed nothing of it. I'm not going to throw my atheism out here, but anyway, I tried to bring forth a part of Christianity that is against everything that's different from the norm and I know that a lot of Christians do not think that way, but I also know that there are Christians who do think that way.

I have no beta, so all mistakes are my own, however I thoroughly check my grammar and spelling mistakes.

I was actually very excited to write something like this, because I have not yet encountered a similar story like this. I think it would be very tough for a religious young man to accept who he is because he sees that everything he has been taught was a lie when he travels someplace else to see for himself what 'they' are like, which I did in this case. Perhaps his firm belief that homosexuality is wrong and an abomination is kind of short (for about three chapters) in this story, but I felt that the character had to move on. I think someone that insecure would hunger for some kind of approval, whether or not it comes from his parents or family. He hangs out with these people who are totally different than he is and he needs to deal with that. Someone expresses their firm belief of freedom and it shakes the main character to his core and he begins to doubt himself. It's all 'what if' really. I think someone who had to live in a prison of religion for years would very much hunger for acceptance and approval and when he sees that it is OK in _this _part of the country, and then he is on the road of being OK with that. I tried to write the main character as a bit of a stiff person and hopefully I succeeded in pulling that off.

I will shut up now.


	2. 0 Prologue

Prologue

My first thought when I arrived in Manhattan, New York was 'wow'. Coming from a small town in Virginia, Manhattan is humongous. At the age of twenty, my parents allowed me to move out, and by then I had saved enough money to rent an apartment (I also had a roommate) in Manhattan and I had gotten a job before I left Virginia. Everything was prearranged, and I could not wait to get out there on my own. The primary reason for me leaving home is because I told my family something that they did not like very much. They told me that God was going to hate me and that I am a sodomite and will burn in hell for my unnatural desires.

You see, I come from a religious family, and we say grace during every meal, and we pray, we go to church every Sunday, and I'm not allowed to smoke, to drink or to modify my body in any way, shape or form, because God made me who he wants me to be, my mom said. If that is so, then why is God going to hate me because I'm not … _normal? _What if God wants me to be this way? If I would ever ask that question in the presence of my mother, she would throw a fit. She says it is not natural; it goes against everything God stands for, etcetera. I am very sad that my family reacted this way, but I am also glad to leave Virginia for a while.

My father could not even look at me. He was just deeply disappointed that his son did not turn out like he wanted his son to turn out. He wanted me to be a 'real man'. He started teaching me things about the family life when I was a teenager. He started off with saying that I may never, ever touch a woman's body in an intimate way without being 'connected' to her, i.e. that means I would have to marry her. He has also said that the woman I would marry would have to be Christian, or converted to Christianity, otherwise my parents and her parents would not have a click, and when there is no click, no living in harmony for my parents and my future wife's parents.

He knew I was not who he wanted me to be. He knew I was not the man who he wanted me to be. He knew I was different and he never said anything. He pretended everything was well, but I heard him pray for me at night, praying to God to take the Devil out of my body. It hurt me a lot when I heard that, and I knew from that point on, that my mother and father were never going to accept who I am deep inside. They will never accept my desires, and my feelings.

I have tried to change, back in my teenage years when I already knew. I tried to hook up with girls; I tried kissing them without grimacing, I tried to hug them without feeling disgusted at the feel of those squishy breasts against me. I punished myself for thinking about men every time I was going out with a girl. I would cut myself when my parents were not there. I wanted to harm this body, cut the Devil out of me, anything to cleanse my soul from the filth that the Devil left behind. I prayed to God, I cried, I screamed. I wanted to know why God was punishing me like this. Why did he make me want to like men? What did I do to deserve this? Did I live my life wrong in His eyes?

I knew from a very early age that I was very different, and that fact only got confirmed when I was in high school. I learned to conceal my deepest, darkest desires because I wanted them gone; I did not want to be like this. I wanted to fall in love with a woman, marry her and have kids with her. I wanted the whole package, but my heart was never in it. And I knew why. God was punishing me. But I did not know, or understand, why. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed for His forgiveness. I thanked the Lord for every meal I had. I thanked the Lord for simply existing.

But it was not enough. It was never enough. Still I was plagued by these feelings, these abominable 'desires'. I could not bring pleasure to myself anymore without thinking of a man, and if I thought about women, I did not achieve an erection. I am actually not supposed to masturbate, but what my parents do not know cannot harm them.

I do not touch myself anymore. After all these years of asking questions about these feelings, my parents told me to leave. They gave me extra money and sent me off. They would pray for me, they said. They hoped my journey to New York would change me. I hope this journey will change me. I want answers. I want to know why God is cursing me with this and I hope I will find the answers on this journey.

Unfortunately I do not seem to be able to stop trying to get the Devil out of me. I feel itchy all over, as if bugs are crawling in great masses under my skin. I want them gone; I want them out. I want the Devil out of me and I am going to try my hardest to make that possible. I want God to love me again, and I want to be good in His eyes.

I have heard many stories about New York. Apparently it has a large community with people who have the same desires as me, and there are clubs and bars even. Am I curious about it? No, I cannot say that I am. I want to stay away from those tainted perverts. They all think about sex, and they probably have a lot of diseases. The thought alone makes me shiver in disgust. I am not like them. I cannot be OK with this, because it is not OK. It is wrong.

Before I left Virginia, I always felt very exposed and looked down at. I would go grocery shopping and many eyes would be on me. It was like the whole of Virginia knew. My mother said that she was ashamed; she could not walk down the street without being looked at, and she knew full well why she was being looked at. Because she had brought forth from her body, and raised, a young man who had unnatural feelings, who got shunned by God in His love. I told my mother that I would make this journey to God and walk the paths to seek His love, to ask for His forgiveness, to pray that He will take these feelings away. And so I left for Manhattan, New York.

This is my story about my journey to myself.


	3. 1 Part I

Part I

New York City is a huge city with a lot of different people from many nationalities, as I noticed when I drove through it in a cab. The borough Manhattan is pretty colorful, and I do not mean that in a racist way. Back in my town there were only white people and the occasional black person, but it is a lot different here. People always say that black people cause trouble and are the reasons why killings happen, but that's not very often the case. I mean, Adolf Hitler was a white man and he killed millions and millions of people, did he not? Do not judge a book based on its cover, they say.

I share my apartment with a roommate, whom I have yet to meet. I have no idea whether this person is a man or woman, or how old they are. The apartment is on the fourth floor of a skyscraper, so it is not that high up. Still, I can probably look out over the roofs of the stores across from the skyscraper. I hope my roommate is a clean person.

I did not bring a lot of stuff with me, because I was told that the basic furniture was taken care of (apparently the landlord dresses every apartment with basic furniture), so all I brought were my clothes, my Bible, some books, glasses and my coffee mug. I could carry most of it myself, thankfully. I do not think I would trust anybody to bring my stuff up to the fourth floor. What if they steal my belongings?

I prefer using the stairs instead of the elevator, but for this I will use the elevator. In the future I will not though. The fourth floor basically consists of a very long hallway with red painted doors on either side. The doorknobs are silvery and the numbers on the doors are also a silver color. It looks clean; I just hope my apartment will look clean too. The hallway is red carpeted. I think the landlord is a woman because it has a very feminine feel to it.

My apartment number is four hundred and four, which is on the left side of the hallway. I put my bags down and stared at the red door. Almost in slow-motion, I reached for the silver key in my pocket and put it in the keyhole. The door unlocked and stood ajar. I grabbed my bags again and walked in. I do not know what I expected, but it was clean, I could see that much. To my left there was a television on the wall (On the wall! And it was flat!), and a black sofa stood in front of a glass coffee table. The floor was not red carpeted, but dark wooden. It looked very nice, actually. Right in front of me, there are windows, and nearly see-through white curtains hung partially closed. To the right against the wall, there was a wooden table with four comfortable looking chairs, and opposite from the table was the kitchen against the wall. I could see a door in the right wall, and because I could see no sign of my roommate, I decided to explore the apartment. I dropped my bags on the floor, closed the red (which was white on the inside) door behind me and walked over to that door.

The door lead to a bathroom, complete with a shower, two sinks, a large mirror and a toilet. There were two more doors leading to what I thought were the bedrooms. I think I will ask my roommate for a tour. I did not wish to walk into the wrong bedroom.

I walked back into the living area, took my bags and sat down on the sofa. It is very comfortable and the springs do not creak. The walls are painted white, very neutral, so I cannot tell what my roommate is like judging from the state of the apartment. I decided to wait until they are back. In the mean time, I suppose I could read a passage from the Bible to pass the time.

I have no idea how long I sat there reading, but I got shaken out of my concentration when I suddenly heard voices at the door. It must be my roommate and their friend, I thought. I looked up from the Bible and waited until the door opened.

"…but that doesn't make any sense! He could've called you!" a very tall blond man exclaimed, furrowing his blond eyebrows angrily.

"Honey, the guy is an asshole, you told me so, and now he's proven it to be true," a young woman said to her companion. "Oh, hi, there," she said, turning her eyes on me. "Are you the new roommate?"

I nodded and got up from the couch. I shook the woman's hand, trying hard not to grimace. This woman's grip was strong! "My name is Harry Potter."

"Hi," she nodded. "Hermione Granger. I'm your roommate by the way."

"It is very nice to meet you," I said.

"Likewise," she smiled. "This is Draco Malfoy."

"Gee, how nice of you to introduce me," the man said sarcastically.

"Hi," I nodded and shook the man's hand and immediately I got assaulted by all kinds of feelings I want to get rid of, so I quickly released the man's warm and rather big hand again without seeming impolite.

The blond man raised his eyebrows at the brief handshake, but nodded.

"Well, I suppose I should get going," Mr. Malfoy said. "I imagine you need to unpack. I'll see you later?" he asked my roommate.

"I'll call you, OK?" Ms. Granger said. "It's still early, I want to show Harry around the apartment, perhaps help him unpack and then we could meet up and show him around Manhattan. Is that OK with you?" she asked me.

I nodded. "That sounds alright."

"Great," she smiled and turned to her blond friend. "So, I will call you."

"Yes, you told me," Mr. Malfoy drawled, crossing his arms over his chest. "We could do take-out tonight? I'm craving some Chinese actually."

"OK," Ms. Granger nodded.

I felt a twinge of embarrassment when Mr. Malfoy kissed Ms. Granger on the cheek. It seemed rather intimate, and I have always felt awkward when witnessing intimate things between couples, so I averted my eyes to the wooden floor. A few seconds later, a door closed.

"Shall I help you unpack?"

"Eh … I do not have that much, actually. It is just my clothes, books, glasses and a few mugs," I said and took my bags. "I did a little looking around before you arrived, but I did not know which bedroom I could use, so I did not venture out farther than the bathroom."

Ms. Granger chuckled and beckoned me to follow her. She opened the door opposite from the door to the bathroom (the other door is to the right when you enter the bathroom from the living area). "This is your bedroom. Do you want me to leave you to unpack?"

"If you do not mind," I said.

"Of course I don't mind. I'll call Draco then."

She left my new bedroom silently and I was left alone with my bags. The bedroom looked very simple; a double bed with a dark wooden frame stood against the right wall, a dark wooden closet stood opposite from it and there stood a nightstand on the left side of the bed (that is the right side if you lie on the bed). The same curtains I saw in the living area hung in front of a window that I could open. There stood a desk against the wall with a lamp on it and a chair stood behind the desk. It was simple, but I liked it.

I placed my Bible on the nightstand and put my other books on the desk. I put my clothes in the closet, noticing the mirror on the inside of the closet door. I had a full frontal view of myself when looking in that mirror, but I do not like to look in the mirror, so I closed the door again. The only things that I had to unpack were my toiletries and my glasses and mugs. I went into the bathroom again, and put my toothbrush and toothpaste at the left sink. There stood a small drawer for towels, washcloths, soap, razors etcetera. I had stuffed my empty bags at the bottom of the closet before I went into the bathroom, so the only thing I had to unpack were my mugs and glasses, but I would do that later. It was of little importance now. I was kind of curious about Manhattan, and perhaps I could ask my roommate whether or not any of the stories I had heard were true.

I left the bathroom, and saw my roommate sitting on the sofa with her cell phone against her right ear. I suppose she was talking to her boyfriend. I had no desire to eavesdrop, so I sat down next to her on the other end of the sofa to let her know that I had finished unpacking. She glanced at me and finished her conversation on the phone.

"Are you all settled?" she asked.

"Yes," I nodded. "I am quite curious about Manhattan."

"Lucky for you I'm going to show you around, once Mr. Slowpoke arrives, that is."

"Who are you calling a slowpoke?" a voice near the door said. I wondered how he could have come back to the apartment so quickly.

"No one," Ms. Granger said with a bright smile. "Let's go then."

I glanced at my roommate and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was staring at me, which kind of unnerved me. He nodded briefly and opened the door for Ms. Granger. I really have no idea how old these people are, though they are most probably older than me. They took the stairs, conversing quietly while I walked behind them. Once we were outside, my roommate and her boyfriend turned to me.

"Where do you want to go first? Everything is pretty close to our apartment; supermarkets, clubs, bars, hardware stores, the baker's, that kind of thing. Say, where are you from?" Ms. Granger asked.

"I am from Virginia," I answered. "From a small town called Farmville."

Suddenly they laughed. "There's a town called Farmville?" Ms. Granger laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry, but that is the worst name to call a town ever!"

Even Mr. Malfoy laughed, showing two rows of perfect, straight white teeth. I am ashamed to say that that sight, that sound of his laughter did something with my body. I felt flutters in my belly that I had not felt in a long time. This feeling is the worst feeling of all.

"Are you two natives of New York?" I asked.

"Born and raised here in Chelsea, Manhattan," Ms. Granger nodded.

"I'm from Boston, Massachusetts," Mr. Malfoy said. "I came here when I was about nineteen years old. I live here for about seven years now."

"You are twenty-six years old?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, old isn't it?"

"That's not old at all, you whiner," Ms. Granger said, slapping him across the arm. "I'm only two years younger than you are. You're still young and gorgeous, don't worry."

"Ah, thank you dear," Mr. Malfoy said and wrapped his arm around the woman's shoulders. "You always know when to stroke my ego."

Ms. Granger snorted and took the hand that was on her shoulder. "How old are you?"

"I am twenty years old," I said.

"Still a little cub," Mr. Malfoy sighed. "Ah, well, the real fun starts when you're twenty-one. Then you're allowed to drink, to go to bars … You can't do that when you're twenty."

"Honey, I don't think that Harry is the type to wander from bar to bar when he's turning twenty-one," Ms. Granger said.

Mr. Malfoy glanced down at his girlfriend and shrugged a little. "Or you could drink liters of water to celebrate your twenty-first."

I averted my eyes. "I would like to know where the Christian church is."

"The Christian church?" Ms. Granger asked. "Well, there aren't many churches in Chelsea, sweetie. There's the church of the Holy Apostles. It's a Christian church I believe."

"Why do you want to join a church?" Mr. Malfoy asked.

"I want to join because I am a devout Christian. Are you not religious?"

"No," he snorted. "I'm an atheist."

"I'm agnostic," Ms. Granger said. "I believe in some things, but I also believe that none of us should shove our religions down other people's throats. It's their decision whether or not they believe, and I think we should respect that."

"Hear, hear," Mr. Malfoy said. "I won't say anything."

"That's a very wise choice," Ms. Granger said. "Draco likes to challenge the beliefs of Christians and is very fond of arguing with them. It's better if he keeps quiet right now. Anyway, it's almost three o'clock, too early for dinner, so what do you guys say if we visit Central Park?"

"Oh, I would love to visit the Central Park," I said with a newfound excitement.

Mr. Malfoy snorted and hailed a cab. "It's like a small forest instead of a park. We do have ponds, though. The cuddling couples always make me gag."

"Draco is not so fond of PDA," Ms. Granger explained as they got into the yellow cab. "He believes that you should keep your business within the walls of your own home, instead of going at it on the streets."

"Or on wooden benches at public parks," Mr. Malfoy added, taking out a black pair of sunglasses.

"Don't you want to be able to hold your boyfriend's hand and kiss him goodnight when you drop him off? I'm sure that if you weren't so picky and got yourself a boyfriend already that you would want to share your happiness with the rest of the street. I know I would," Ms. Granger said.

"Honey, your guy just left you high and dry a couple of days ago remember, for another woman, for God's sake. Like I said earlier, he could've called you and he could've said that the date was off, and that you should break up or whatever the fuck you two were to each other."

"Draco, don't swear in the company of a Christian," Ms. Granger scolded. "Anyway, we weren't dating. He just asked me out, that was all. And I agree, he should have called, but like I said he's an ass―I mean, he's not nice, and he's proven that himself. And you don't see me crying a river over him, do you? At least not with this guy," she shrugged.

Mr. Malfoy chuckled and looked out of the window. "See, that's why I'm not dating women. You're all _so_ in touch with your feelings, it's almost sickening. First you're crying your eyes out because some woman cheats on her husband on some lame soap opera and next you're crying because your pet rabbit died. I say everything dies some time or another, and I don't understand why people are always so confused when something dies."

"You are not heterosexual?" I asked, gaping at the man. I thanked the Lord for having a heterosexual woman for a roommate. Hopefully I could avoid this man as often as possible in the future. The man gave me a look and took his sunglasses off, revealing his stunning gray eyes, which radiated with an emotion I could not read.

"You're not one of those gay hating Christians are you?" he asked. "Oh, that's just great. Herm, you're sharing your apartment with a homophobe. Well, I can assure you, Mr. Potter, you'll be seeing a lot more of me and _my kind_ for as long as you live in Chelsea, Manhattan."

"Are you homophobic?" Ms. Granger asked.

"I―I believe that love can only exist between a man and a woman," I answered honestly, if not carefully. What if Mr. Malfoy would beat me if I said something to anger him? He certainly did not look like the homos I always imagined what they would look like; I imagined they would look slutty, campy, whorish, with bodies filled with diseases such as aids, and bedding every man they encountered. This man was well-built, muscular and rather dangerous looking. I would have mistaken him for being normal, if he had not said that he did not date women.

Mr. Malfoy laughed and put his sunglasses back on. "Don't judge something without knowing anything about it. Doesn't God love everybody? Didn't he make you the way you are?" he said. "You Christians are always preaching about how God loves everyone, but you're still being hypocritical when it comes to gays and lesbians. So, it's like this with you; if you're straight, then God loves you, but if you're different, then nope, God won't love you. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"It is your lack of faith that makes you speak this way," I said. "Have you tried to follow God's way in life? Have you tried to be faithful to Him?"

"Why would I?" he asked me.

"Because God is the answer to your troubles," I said gently. "Have you felt love? Have you been loved while living this lifestyle?"

"Yes," he said, staring at me with an unreadable expression. "I ended a five year relationship not too long ago."

"What was the reason for the separation?" I asked, even though I already knew. Two men cannot stay faithful to each other. That is the way they are.

"My partner cheated on me with a woman. He was bisexual, and I knew that, and I accepted that. I just didn't know he'd cheat on me with a woman after the five years we'd been together. And before you say that two men can't be faithful to each other and don't know the word 'monogamy', let me tell you that I know a gay couple who've been together for nearly twenty years and neither one of them has cheated once. They love each other very much and do believe in monogamy. They are each other's lives. They complete each other."

I did not know what to say to that. "It is wrong in God's eyes."

"Says who, you? Who are you to tell me what's wrong for me? I don't believe in God," he replied. "I live my life my way, not the way some Christian tells me to live it. Listen to me; I am not happy with a woman. I tried that once, and it was one of the unhappiest moments of my life. Would you want someone to be dead unhappy because you believe that love can only exist between a man and a woman? Why should I care what you think? I've been openly gay since I was sixteen, and I've been very happy living like I have."

"Which is how? Picking up men at bars and having midnight rendezvous with strangers?" I countered.

"No," he sneered. "I'm not that type of person. I prefer reading over drinking and hanging out with my friends instead of hitting the bars. I prefer the act of making love to mean something to me rather than having a one-night-stand with some stranger I'll never see again. Not that it's any of your business of course. I just want you to understand that we fags are not the perverts you make us out to be. We don't molest little boys, nor do we have any diseases from fucking around so much. We do it safe, you know? It's the reason why condoms were invented; to prevent sexual transmitted diseases. And any gay man who doesn't use a condom is an idiot, and it doesn't matter whether you're fucking a stranger or your boyfriend of ten years."

"Don't cuss so much," Ms. Granger said softly, the first thing she said after not speaking for a few minutes.

"How dare you to tell me that what I do and feel is wrong?" he finished. "You are nothing to me and your words mean nothing to me. I don't want God's love if that means that I have to deny myself love. And you, Mr. Closet-Case, shouldn't please your parents so much. If you really believe in God, then you'll believe that He'll love you no matter what. Isn't that what the Bible says? God loves us all, even the fags."

Again, I was stunned into silence. This man had just given me the biggest lecture ever since I graduated from high school and I could not retaliate against him. It was the first time that I had heard this. Yes, the Bible says that God loves us all. And yet the Bible says that a man shan't lie with another man as he lies with a woman.

"It's all a bunch of fiction anyway," Mr. Malfoy muttered, taking a deep breath.

"The Bible is not fiction!" I exclaimed.

"How do you know that? Where you there when it was supposedly told? I don't think so. There's no proof of God's existence, and there's no proof that everything in the Bible is true. That's why I'm an atheist. I don't blindly believe my mommy and daddy when they tell me that there's a God. I question things and I want to know how things came into existence. I believe that if there was no Christianity, or any other religion, then there would be no hate against minorities and teenagers wouldn't commit suicide for being gay and they wouldn't be murdered for that very same reason. It's people like you who cause hate because you can't accept people who are not like you."

I felt like I had just been slapped across the face. I did not know this man, and neither did he know me, but his words affected me like my parents' words, or the pastor's words never had before. His words settled deep inside me and spread and infested my brains. His words got me questioning myself. Why did his words affect me so much? Why did I let his words affect me so much? Was there some truth to it? Could he be lying?

No stranger had ever spoken to me like that.

The rest of the cab ride was very quiet. Mr. Malfoy did not say anything anymore and would not look at me. Ms. Granger was nice to me though. I think she thinks the same way her friend does, but she probably just wants to go easy on me. After a few minutes of debating whether or not Mr. Malfoy spoke the truth, I discarded everything he said; I am a Christian, a firm believer of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I decided not to believe anything Mr. Malfoy said; he is an atheist, a non-believer. I am sure that if he were to follow God's way, then he would not be so … cold, so indifferent. He would embrace life with open arms and with all the love he has to give. That had to be the reason for the man's cold attitude. I am sure that I can help this man find his true self, just like I will find my true self on this journey. It will not be easy for him to leave his lifestyle, but it is for the better, and I will make him see that God will love him for it.


	4. 2 Part II

Part II

"…That guy has some nerve," I heard Mr. Malfoy say.

We just came back from a Chinese restaurant, and rather than eating take-out, we sat at the restaurant and had a nice meal. I had told Ms. Granger that I would freshen up in the bathroom, but I could not help but overhear Mr. Malfoy talking to Ms. Granger about me.

"Dray, he's a Christian and comes from Virginia," she said. "What did you expect?"

"Honey, I dated a guy from Virginia once, remember?"

"That's not the point. You just can't assume that he'll accept who you are without throwing the Bible in your face. He believes everything he's been told, and if he wants to remain ignorant, let him stay ignorant, but for God's sakes. Was that lecture really necessary?"

"The Christians here are gay or straight and accepting," he said, sounding angry.

"This is Chelsea Manhattan. We've got one of the largest gay communities around and the Christians here aren't so bad. But that guy isn't from up north, honey. Look, if he gives you hell about it, just make sure not to punch his oblivious lights out, OK? I'd hate to see you get busted for beating up a Christian. The police around here are as corrupted as they come, especially when it comes to bashings and it doesn't matter whether you're gay, straight, black or white. If one of those damn cops think that the victim deserved it, he won't file the rapport the victim makes."

"I know. Does everyone think we're child molesters and heavy partiers? Not to mention we supposedly jump into bed with whomever we see," he scoffed. "That closet-case should really do his homework better."

"Do you think he's a closet case?"

"I saw the way he looked at me; like most gay and bi men and straight and bi women look at me; as if I'm some hot-shot model who will be gorgeous forever. I bet he came here to 'cure' himself from his homosexuality. Well, it's not going to happen, I can tell you that much. I've seen this clip about a supposedly 'ex-gay', and the man had unhappiness written all over his face. There he sat talking about his wife and his herd of kids, but he was still dead unhappy. You can't change who you are, and you sure as hell can't change your feelings."

"I know, baby," Ms. Granger murmured.

"Anyway, I'm going to go and leave you alone with the closed-minded, homophobic roommate. Call me if you need me to come, OK? God knows they're all out to convert people."

"Yes, it seems they're coming together for a gathering to make plans to take over the world," my roommate joked. "Take care, baby. See you. I love you."

"I love you too," he replied and then the door shut closed.

"OK, you can come out now," Ms. Granger said looking not at all surprised when I emerged from the bathroom. "I know you just heard that entire conversation. This apartment leaves not a lot of room for privacy, but we're going to try, alright?"

I nodded.

"Good. So what do you do all day besides working? Are you allowed to watch TV?"

"Yes, but my parents did not own a television."

My roommate raised her eyebrows and went for the black fake leather sofa. "Well, come on. I bet there's a movie on tonight. Oh, _Bridget Jones' Diary_ is on! We're so going to watch that. Now that Draco is not here to badmouth the movie … Oh yes, this will be fun," she gushed, turning the TV on and using the remote control to change channels. "I've got some popcorn if you'd like some."

"No thank you," I said politely. "So what is this movie about?"

"Oh, about a woman who falls in love with another fellow. Same old, same old," she said.

As the movie started, I glanced at my roommate. She is very pretty; she has brown hair going down to the middle of her back in beautiful waves. She does not wear a lot of make-up, but she does not need it. She is a natural beauty. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No," she said and turned back to the TV.

"Oh," I said softly. The movie was alright I suppose, though I felt queasy again when I saw that blond woman and a man kiss each other. I felt the strong urge to close my eyes or to look away, but if I wanted to beat this disease in me, then I had to be strong. I forced myself to watch it.

"You don't like watching a man and a woman kiss, do you?" Ms. Granger asked. "You keep looking away and you tense up."

"I am fine, miss," I said.

"Call me Hermione," Hermione said.

"Alright, Hermione," I said with a smile. "I think I will go to bed early tonight. I usually do not sleep well on the first night when I am staying somewhere else. Good night, Hermione."

"Good night, Harry."

I smiled to myself and entered my bedroom to get ready for bed.

That first night I had a dream. Unfortunately I remember it vividly. I dreamed that I went to the park with Draco Malfoy and that we sat down on a bench. Then he kissed me and we were starting to go at it. I remembered him sliding his tongue into my mouth and then the scene shifted to his bedroom where he made love to me. The details were disgustingly clear. I woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing erection, and I refused to do something about it, no matter how uncomfortable it felt. A few hours later, my erection had gone away, but I could not look at myself in the mirror for dreaming about Mr. Malfoy in that abominable way.

It was also very unfortunate that the man in my dream was currently having breakfast with Hermione. He did not greet me when I came out of the bathroom, but that was alright. Hermione thankfully did.

"Good morning, Harry," she said. "There's some coffee left if you want some."

"Thank you," I replied and went over to the kitchen counter.

"So, anyway," Mr. Malfoy went on. "Did you watch _Bridget Jones' Diary_ last night?"

"I did."

"Oh, God, you're so predictable!" Mr. Malfoy laughed. "You always watch _Bridget Jones' Diary_. Isn't it getting a bit old now?"

"I'd rather watch _Bridget Jones' Diary_ over and over than _Brokeback Mountain_."

"Hey, that movie is a classic love story, OK? It's still sad that Jack gets murdered at the end, but still … It's an alright movie and sort of groundbreaking since it was made in 2005, by Americans. That says a lot since this country apparently missed evolution. Of course _Latter Days_ is my number one favorite."

"That's because of the sex scene between Christian and Aaron. Are you still hot on Wes Ramsey as Christian?" Hermione asked. "I agree he's a very good looking man, but honey, please. You're kind of obsessing right now."

"No, I'm not. I like the movie; I like Christian's character, even if he is shallow. Perhaps you should watch it sometime, Mr. Potter. It's about a hot party boy and a Mormon missionary who fall in love."

"Draco," Hermione said and shook her head just as I joined the pair at the wooden table.

"What?" Mr. Malfoy said innocently and sipped his coffee. "It might be good for him."

"What are you going to do on this fine Sunday, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I am going to church," I replied.

"All day long?" Mr. Malfoy asked.

"No," I said patiently. "Not all day long."

"Hmm, well I'm going to take a nice long walk,' he said. "Perhaps read at the park. I'm meeting Marc again today. He's coming back to Manhattan after two years."

"Really, that's great!" Hermione said. "When is he coming?"

"This afternoon at two," Mr. Malfoy said, smiling with what seemed to be excitement.

"You know, I always thought he had a crush on you."

"On me? No way. Marc and I are friends, and there's nothing more to it. He's just grateful that I helped him get over Jason."

Suddenly I envisioned how Mr. Malfoy helped this Marc person; kissing him tenderly, making love to him in order to make Marc forget all about this Jason. Shuddering I downed my coffee and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I remembered how I had dreamt that Mr. Malfoy made love to me; I remembered seeing his body in my dream, his erection … Butterflies swarmed about in my belly and I felt my chest tighten. For a second I allowed myself to remember having Mr. Malfoy's erection inside me and my chest tightened more. Then I immediately cursed myself, I cursed the Devil and reached for a razor I had brought with me. I lifted up my shirt and slid the razor across my abdomen, across the many scars that were already there. As the blood seeped out of the cut, it felt like the Devil seeped out too. I felt my skin becoming looser. My breathing became labored as I cut, and cut, and cut. I felt dizzy, and I did not notice the blood dripping down on the white tiles. I think I moaned. I felt heat and warmth flow down to my penis. How could I find this erotic, I wondered? It was more proof to me that my mind was messed up by the Devil, for one could not be aroused by doing what I am doing right now. That is sick. Suddenly I dropped to my knees and started to sob like I always did when I cut myself again. My penis was hard in my pajama bottoms, which felt so horrible to me. What pervert gets hard on cutting himself?

"Harry?" Hermione called through the door. "Are you OK?"

I gasped, trying to stop myself from sobbing in order to answer in a normal tone. "I am fine," I said rather shakily. "I stubbed my toe, it is nothing serious!"

"OK," Hermione said, though she sounded hesitant to leave.

I took a deep breath and shakily got to my feet. The cuts still bled, so I used some wet toilet paper to try to stop the blood from flowing. I cleaned up the tiles and cleaned the razor with water. Hermione would never know what just happened.

I am not sure whether or not Mr. Malfoy did it on purpose by suggesting to his _friend_ Marc to meet him over at Hermione and my apartment. I swear to the Lord that that man just hates my guts and uses every opportunity possible to throw his lifestyle in my face.

Around two o'clock the doorbell rang, at which Mr. Malfoy excitedly opened it. There stood a rather handsome man in the hallway with brown hair and blue eyes. He was not as tall as Mr. Malfoy was, but he was taller than me, I could guess as much.

"Marc!" Mr. Malfoy exclaimed and pulled the shorter man in for an intimate hug.

"Draco," the man laughed and wrapped his arms around the blond's waist. "You've changed," he said. "And your hair is longer." He brushed a few strands of light blond hair out of the man's face, touching his cheek tenderly. "I like it."

Mr. Malfoy smiled and took the hand that was on his cheek. "You're still Manhattan's biggest flirt."

"Always, baby," he chuckled. "So how are things between you and Blaise?"

"Hmm, me and Blaise …" Mr. Malfoy said, pretending to think. "I broke up with him because he cheated on me with Pansy Parkinson."

"With Pansy? That little slut?" Marc asked incredulously.

"Yeah, that slut," Mr. Malfoy nodded. "I noticed that he started to act different around me, like he was feeling guilty. At first I thought that it was me, and I wondered if I did something wrong. Our sex life went downwards and he used to be pretty enthusiastic and he often initiated sex, but he stopped doing that, so I tried to coax him. I tried to get him in the mood by giving him a full body massage, and he usually let me but I didn't get the feeling that he enjoyed it. He would barely get an orgasm, but that was something that I noticed after and not during. After some time he refused to go down on me, even though he likes giving oral. He wouldn't face me when we had sex, he would lie on his stomach and after some time he blatantly refused to let me inside him. After that I told him that we needed to talk and he confessed to everything. I broke it off and I threw him out the next day."

"Oh, honey," Marc said and stepped closer to Mr. Malfoy. "I'm so sorry. I know how much you loved him."

Mr. Malfoy smiled tightly and accepted the man's comforting hug. "I still love him. But it's nothing that time can't heal, right? Are you getting over Jason alright?"

"Honey, that was two years ago. I'm being courted as we speak by the loveliest man alive."

"Is he cuter than Jason?"

"Oh, loads cuter," Marc giggled. "He's so handsome … Older, but you know I love older men. He's got dark hair, brown eyes, and he's taller than me, but smaller than you, because, you're like the tallest guy in all of Manhattan."

"I'm not that tall," Mr. Malfoy scoffed.

"No, you're not," Marc mocked. "You're only like six feet and ten inches."

"How did you know?"

"Lucky guess. Anyway, his name is Sirius Black," Marc said. "He's got this pirate look about him."

"Like Johnny Depp?"

"Oh totally," Marc nodded. "He's thirty-four, but hey, I'm twenty-nine, it's hardly a difference. And my God, he's a beast in bed! Oh, I swear I felt him a week long!"

"I really don't want to hear that," Mr. Malfoy said, grimacing slightly from what I could see.

"Oh, shut it," Marc said and slapped him across the arm. "I know you've told me once how Blaise liked it rough and you explained to me how he went crazy in passion while you rammed into him and he would scream from the top of his lungs. I'm surprised that no one called the police on you yet. I bet your neighbors thought that someone was getting raped," he snorted. "I know I would think that if I heard someone scream and beg. Do you still like the begging thing? You've once told me that you get off on that."

"I know," Mr. Malfoy groaned, oblivious to my discomfort and my roommate. "I don't want to talk about that bitch Blaise or my kinks, OK? Tell me more about Sirius Black. Does he live in Manhattan?"

"No, he lives in New York City. He's the sweetest guy ever," Marc smiled. "He's so considerate and he always asks my opinion on something, whether it's dinner, a movie or personal matters. He buys me flowers and he's just really sweet and sensitive. I really like him, Dray. I think he could be the one."

"I hope so for you," Mr. Malfoy said genuinely. "You deserve to be happy."

"Yeah," Marc said. "You deserve to be happy too. Are you alright? Are you doing OK? Getting cheated on must be tough. Did he have sex with Pansy?"

"He did," Mr. Malfoy sighed. "He said that he always liked her, they knew each other from high school."

"Oh," Marc nodded in understanding.

"Anyway, he met up with her regularly, not to have sex, but to just be together. Apparently she always liked him too, but she knew that he was in a relationship, she just didn't know that it was with another man."

"I know how much you hate to hide your sexual orientation and your relationship," Marc said, taking Mr. Malfoy's left hand in his.

"Yeah, well … He told me he had sex with her twice. And he didn't regret it. At that point, I just knew that I had to break off. I don't condone cheating in any way, but … I love him you know? I don't think I can stop loving him, even if he did cheat on me."

"And not even with a man," Marc said, furrowing his eyebrows in anger.

"To be honest, I don't really give a shit that he fucked a woman. I'm just sad. We were together for five years, we lived together, I wanted to stay with him for the rest of my life and then he had to fuck it all up. I haven't heard from him since I kicked him out about a month ago."

"It's only a month ago since you broke up? Baby, why didn't you tell me? I would've come sooner to help you get through this!" He embraced the blond man again and rubbed his back in a soothing manner. It was difficult not to walk away from a conversation like this. I am sure that Hermione was just as curious as I was.

"Sorry," Mr. Malfoy muttered softly. "I didn't want to call your trip to Italy short. How long will you be staying here?"

"Honey, I've come back for good," Marc said and released the man in his arms. He just then seemed to notice that they were not alone. "Hey, Hermione."

"Hi, Marc," Hermione said and embraced him. "You look good."

"Thanks, so do you. Manhattan treats you well as always."

"Thank you," Hermione smiled. "This is my roommate Harry Potter. He arrived here today. Draco's already given him the biggest lecture I've ever heard him give."

"Hi," Marc said and extended his hand towards me. I decided to just take it. "My name is Marc Dawson."

"Careful, Marc, he's a homophobic Christian," Mr. Malfoy said.

"He's shaking my hand, isn't he? Not every homophobe is childish, hon."

"Most of them are."

"Well, this one apparently has enough decency to shake a fag's hand while introducing himself," Marc replied.

"Harry Potter," I said, feeling the urge to prove myself to Mr. Malfoy, although I did not know where that urge came from. I think I wanted to show him that I am not as bad as he made me out to be. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Marc said and pulled his hand back. "So what are y'all doing today?"

"Nothing," Mr. Malfoy said.

"I have no idea," Hermione replied.

"I am going to church," I said when he looked at me for an answer.

"Oh."

Mr. Malfoy chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. "I think I'll read at the park or something. I don't have anything better to do today."

"Oh, well I'd like to catch up with you," Marc said. "What are you going to do Hermione?"

"Well, I'm going to leave you guys alone and I think I'll rent a movie and watch it on my own, or if Harry comes back early, he can watch the movie too."

"Sounds good," I nodded. "Well, I do not expect anyone to need me, but I will be off to church. I guess I shall see you all later."

With that, I left the apartment, feeling Mr. Malfoys eyes bore into the back of my head until I closed the red door behind me. I walked out of the building and went out on the street and into the warm sun. I was grateful that I wore a short sleeved shirt, because the sun felt warm, even though the breeze was a little bit chilly. It was only spring.

The church of the Holy Apostles was a beautiful white building, and it was probably very old too. People went into the building and sat down on the many chairs in the church. I had never seen a church with chairs before. In my old church we had to sit on uncomfortable benches. I looked around and saw people of all kinds; elderly people, adults, young adults and even a few teenagers, bless them.

"Are you new, my boy?" an older woman suddenly said to my right.

"Eh, yes," I nodded, taking her extended hand. "I am from Virginia, and I came here to Manhattan to find myself and the answers that I seek."

"The Lord will be proud of you," she smiled and took me to a row of chairs. "What kind of answers do you seek?"

"I want to know why the Devil has cursed me," I said quietly. "My family and I always went to church, we love God and Jesus, but why has He put these cursed feelings in me?"

"Sweetheart, are you saying that you are a homosexual?"

I winced at the word. "I am not. The Devil wants me to think I am."

The woman sighed and took my hand. "You are a good young man, very devout and serious, I can already see that. That's good. We teach people here to love themselves and to love God. You don't love yourself because you think God doesn't love you for who you are. God does love you," she smiled and squeezed my hand gently. "God has made you the way you are, and that is fine with Him."

"Why do you accept that abominable folk? God says a man shan't lie with another man as he lies with a woman," I hissed.

"Yes, but that is another matter. God does not say that he dislikes those who are different. It's what your family taught you, and it's a misunderstanding we want to correct. God loves us all, honey. Besides, wouldn't it be hypocritical if we said that it's OK for a man and a woman to sleep together, but that's not OK for two men or two women? It's silly how people interpret the Bible these days," she sighed and stared at the figure of the pastor.

I glanced at this woman who spoke the same words Mr. Malfoy had the day before. But God does not say that He is OK with it either. I am so confused. I see my feelings for Mr. Malfoy as a curse, not a blessing, even if I am not sure what my feelings for him are. I have only known him for two days, but his appearance stuns me. The way he speaks his mind without being afraid stuns me. He is a man unlike I had ever met before.

The men I know are conservative American men. The only form of contact they have with another man is perhaps a handshake or perhaps a fist connecting to a jaw. This man, Draco, hugs his friend, whether male or female. Is that because he is homosexual? Or is it because he feels good and because he cares for his friends and wants to show them? I cannot believe I am thinking about him in church, in God's sacred building. But then the woman's words replay themselves in my head. 'God loves us all.'

'Even the fags,' I heard Mr. Malfoy say in my head.

Was that true? If so, why did my parents teach me to fear the unknown? Not that homosexuality was anything unknown to me, and my parents knew it. Could that be the reason why they told me that God will not love me should I embrace these feelings? Could it be that they were trying to get me to be normal? For them? I knew my father would be proud of me if I came home with a girl I would marry and have kids with. My mother would be overjoyed, but I would not be happy. No matter how hard I tried, prayed or cut, I would not be happy with a woman. Was Draco right and could I not change my feelings? Would I only end up unhappy? Even so, I did not envision a future with another man for myself. So far, I had not met any homo yet who looked like how my parents told me they looked like. Draco Malfoy and Marc Dawson looked like two regular men who happened to like other men. Draco said that 'they' always do it safe, and anyone who does not is an idiot. Could it be that they were not the diseased filled people my father always told me they were? Were they decent folk? Were they able to love each other and be happy, even if my father always told me that only a woman brings love and happiness to a man's life? I had heard Draco talk about his previous … _boyfriend_. He seemed hurt over what this Blaise did. He said he still loved him, even if he did cheat on him. Mr. Malfoy does not seem like the type who declares love to anyone easily.

I had no idea that two men could be together for five years (though it still went wrong). My father appeared to be wrong about homos and he made me fear them. But why would he do that? Why would he want to scare his own son into hating himself because he was everything his parents loathed? Suddenly I was more concerned with how my parents would think of me than how God would think of me. Would they hate me because I am not what they want me to be? Did Mr. Malfoy's parents accept him when he told them of his feelings? And what about Marc Dawson? Did his parents accept him? Did his friends accept him?

Why am I thinking these things? Why do I try to reach out for the unreachable? Even if I could be at peace with myself, my mother and father would curse me. This trip was about trying to heal myself and trying to find answers. But I did not get the answers I wanted. My mother and father sent me away because I was confused, they said. They said I should see for myself what homos were truly like, but I find that they are normal people, though I had only met two of them. Had my mother and father met any homosexuals that caused them to think about them this way?

All through the service at the Holy Apostles, I kept thinking about the woman's words and Draco's words. They both said the same thing, and the only difference was that this woman was a Christian and Draco was an atheist. The fact that a believer of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit said the same thing as an atheist should mean something, should it not? Now I sought for different answers to different questions. Why did my parents made me fear other people?


	5. 3 Part III

Part III

Church was an interesting affair. I learned that homosexual people are accepted by this church, however crazy it seemed to me. The people of my former church would burn the building down before they would ever let a homo join. But things are different here in New York. It seemed that this entire state was accepting of homos. After the service ended, I stayed for a little while longer to talk with some of the people I had seen, including a homosexual man. His name was Seth Long, he is a Chinese man, born in Beijing and a Christian since he was twenty years old, he said. My conversation with him was very interesting and enlightening. He said something that Mr. Malfoy told me yesterday; Seth did not want God's love if that meant that he had to deny himself love. This man also did not look like a flaming queer. He was dressed in casual clothes, though still modern and looked like the average American man, and not like the slutty homo like my parents described them to me.

I was intrigued by him. Not because he had the same feelings I had, but because he joined the church and found happiness. I wanted to find happiness. Seth and I took a walk as we chatted, and the funny thing was that I was not afraid that he would suddenly start touching me, or telling me that he wanted to have sex with me in some dark alley. Another thing my father was wrong about it seemed; he said that all homos were after sex and that they would try to rape you if you did not give them what they wanted. I was always so afraid that a man would force me after my father told me that.

" … I believe in God," he said. "But I also live my life how I want to live it, not how someone else tells me to live it. I drink, I watch TV, I like going out to gay bars and dance 'till I drop, but I still believe in God. I go to church when I can, and when I want to, I don't read the Bible, because I don't agree with some things. A lot of Christians take the Bible very seriously, and that's how you get hate. They're going hate on you because you don't do the same dance they do. I think that's silly. I don't agree with the fact that a man shan't lie with another man as he does with a woman. I'll sleep with a man if I want to. I don't care what the Bible says about that. I believe that God created us after his image. And perhaps he created gay and bisexual men and women to create diversity."

"That is very interesting," I said. "I never thought of it that way. I was taught that homos are evil beings, possessed by the Devil and that every homo is slutty, campy, feminine and full of all kinds of disgusting diseases. I wonder why I was taught to fear myself."

"Are you acknowledging the fact that you're gay, Mr. Potter?" Seth asked.

"I do not know," I sighed. "I am so confused. I have no idea what to think anymore. Everything my parents taught me about God was a lie, most of it anyway. It is difficult to change my view about those things."

"I know," Seth said. "I was an atheist before I became a Christian. I wasn't raised religiously, and I knew I was gay at a young age. And I told my parents about it, and they accepted me after I had a long discussion with them and told them that I could not be happy if I would try to change my feelings. I think that if my parents were religious, they would not have accepted me. But that's beside the point. I became interested in religions and studied a few of them, and I became interested in Christianity. I don't want to 'cure' myself, because there is no cure for homosexuality. It's who you are; it's what's inside you. I know that a lot of Christians say that God hates fags, but they have obviously not read the Bible well enough. God loves us all. God is love. That's what they teach us here at this church. And it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is, what your skin color is or what your hair color is. God made you the way you are, and He loves you. If God is about love, then why would He supposedly hate people like us? It's ridiculous how some people interpret the Bible."

"Lately I have been surrounded by people who say that," I said, feeling dizzy by all these new revelations. "My roommate's friend is a homosexual, but you would think that he is this heterosexual business man type. I was shocked when I learned that he is not into women."

"Some are obvious, most are not," Seth nodded. "It's also about having the nerve to express yourself the way you want to. I know a guy who wears women's clothing. He feels more comfortable in women's clothing and he's happy with it, so I don't understand why people would tell him to wear men's clothing because he is a man. If he doesn't want to, then why force him?"

"Yeah," I said. "But a man in women's clothing? It is the norm that men wear clothes for men and women wear clothes for women."

"True, but then again, the men of the west are so macho. Heterosexual men act macho, otherwise they get called a fag if they show one ounce of emotions. We're human beings for God's sake! We all have emotions and we all have to show them sometime. It's a pity that men of this world want to prove their masculinity so much."

I also agreed with that, even if I had never thought of it before. "Are there any homos who are slutty and campy?"

"Of course there are guys who sleep with another man every other week. But there are also women and heterosexual men who sleep around a lot. It's not a gay thing. It's a human thing, I think. That's different for everybody. For example, I could not see myself sleeping around. I don't mind making out with a random guy, but I would not sleep with them. I would only want to sleep with my boyfriend, because it means more. Making love to the person you love is a beautiful thing to me."

"That sounds so …"

"Sappy?" Seth asked and grinned. "I'm a romantic guy. I'd love to take my boyfriend out to the beach and watch the sunset together. And I like to cuddle a lot. I just like the feeling of my love against me, you know?"

"And you are not bothered at all that there are a lot of people who do not accept the people you are romantically interested in?"

"No, I'm not," Seth said. "It used to bother me, but I'd rather be happy then trying to please those people who don't accept me. I don't know them, and it doesn't matter to me if they think I'm evil or something. And the people I love, such as my parents, my family and my friends, they all accept me and they do matter to me. But even if they didn't accept who I am, I couldn't deny myself happiness to make them happy. I couldn't ever do that. And I don't think you should do that."

I looked at him and he looked back at me with a gentle expression on his face. "My coming here was supposed to help me find myself and to be accepted by my parents. They sent me away so I could see for myself what homos are like."

"And what are they like?" Seth asked me.

"They are just normal people," I heard myself answering.

"Yeah, we are," Seth nodded, smiling slightly. "Hey, I don't mean to be too forward, but, would you like to have a drink with me sometime?"

"Eh … just as friends, right?" I asked nervously.

"Just as friends," Seth confirmed. "I'd like to get to know you better and I'd like to help you to stop hating yourself. A lot of gay people hate themselves and that hate will root itself deeply in you, and they hurt themselves, they take up on cutting and they commit suicide because they think that they're bad. They think their feelings are bad because of what their parents teach them. I want to help you to love yourself again."

"Thank you," I said. I gave him my phone number with the thought that we could have a drink together and that he could help me. I had no idea that this man would mean a lot to me in the future. But now I am jumping ahead of my tale.

After saying goodbye to Seth, I went back to the apartment with new thoughts and new feelings. And I went back with a new phone number. Seth would call me, he said. I did not expect him to call actually, but perhaps the thought that he wanted to help me comforted me. It did not matter a lot if he would not call; I was simply grateful that I had spoken to him and listened to his thoughts on Christianity and what it all meant according to him.

I was very glad indeed that I had made a new friend.

When I came back into the apartment, I found Hermione, Draco and Marc sitting on the couch watching a movie. I did not want to bother these people, so I made for a silent retreat into my bedroom. Neither one of them appeared to hear me come in, for their eyes did not leave the flat TV screen. These three people were good friends, I realized, and someone like me could not fit in with people like them. Draco had already expressed a dislike for me, Marc I did not know very well and would probably not see again after today, and Hermione just tried to be nice.

I sat down on my bed and stared at the Bible on my nightstand. What if I had not been raised as a Christian? Perhaps I would think a lot more open-minded. Perhaps I would accept myself better. Perhaps I would have loved myself had I not been taught to hate who I am. My parents taught me to hate myself … But why would they do that to their own son? Did they hate what I had become so much as to yell the fear right into me? I did not understand.

Thankfully I had brought a blank hard-cover book with me to write my thoughts in like I always did whenever I had nothing to do. I read a few entries from a couple of weeks ago, and I noticed that I always write about faith, God and my doubt in all of it. Doubts that I was afraid to say out loud in fear of my parents overhearing and finding out about everything that I was afraid of. This journal dated back to when I was about sixteen years old. It has become a large journal by now.

I took a pen and opened the book on a blank page and started writing.

_Date: April twenty-six, 2010,_

_I went to church today in Manhattan. It was nothing like I had envisioned; the people there looked free and happy to be in God's sacred house. There were even homosexuals there. I spoke to one of them; Seth Long. He told me a few very interesting things. Seth was an atheist before he became a Christian. I think he asked me out, 'just as friends', though. Somehow after speaking with Seth, I felt more at peace with myself._

_I am gay._

_That is the first time I acknowledge it, but deep in my heart I know it is true; I am gay. I have tried for years to change myself; I have tried to cut these feelings out of me but it did not help. I prayed, but it did not help. I hung out with girls a lot in the hope that I would like them better, but it did not help. I did not know that there are straight people who accept people like me. I always thought that everyone hated them. Us._

_My roommate is a heterosexual woman of twenty-four years old, born and raised in Manhattan and she looks very pretty. Her friend is a very handsome older man (and extremely tall) of twenty-six years old. I have already had dreams about him. Sexual dreams, that is. I felt so ashamed for dreaming about him in that way, but now I realize that these feelings will not go away. Seth said that it is who I am inside, and there is no cure for it. Seth also said that he did not want God's love if that meant that he had to deny himself love. My roommate's friend, Draco (an atheist) told me the same on the first day we met. I do not think he likes me a lot._

_Draco is gay too, he said. Will he try to have sex with me if I told him that I have desires for men too? Seth did not touch me. My father always said that homos would try to have sex with you because that was all they were looking for, and if you did not give them what they wanted, then they would rape you. Seth knows and he only asked me out for a drink. I am beginning to think that my parents were wrong about homos. They are not the diseased-filled, slutty, whorish, and campy homos. They are regular men who happen to like other men. They are just normal people._

_I do not think that Seth will call me to go out and have a drink, but the fact that I spoke with him helps me a great deal. I have learned a lot, though I did not learn the things that I initially came here for. I find that perhaps this is my road to happiness. If I would embrace these feelings and accept it, perhaps I can love myself and find the happiness that I am craving for; I have always been unhappy, partially because my parents told me that the feelings I have is wrong and I believed that up until now. They were wrong about many things, and perhaps I should question it more often and find the truth for myself._

I put the pen away and closed the journal. Writing my feelings down always helped me a great deal, and now it was there in black and white; I am gay. I drew in a shuddering breath, wondering why I started to cry now. I had never given any name to my 'unnatural' desires, but now I just had and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe for the very first time. And it felt wonderful.

Suddenly the door to my bedroom opened. I looked up to see Hermione, my roommate, standing in the doorway.

"Hey, I didn't hear you come in," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "How was church?"

"Enlightening," I said and put my journal away, making sure to blink any tears away before Hermione could call me on them. "I spoke to this guy, Seth Long―"

"He's such a sweetie," Hermione smiled. "Though perhaps you should know that he's gay, considering the fact that you don't like gays much. You might want to tell him that you're straight and want nothing to do with his 'kind'. That way he won't ask you out or anything, because that makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it?"

I felt my chest tighten at her words. Had those words I spoke to Draco on the first day affected him like this as it did to me? Had he felt his heart being squeezed painfully because some Christian told him that what he did and felt was wrong; an abomination? "He did ask me out for a drink," I said. "Just as friends though. He said some interesting things after the service ended."

"Well, I think you better make it clear to him that you're not interested. Don't want to set the guy up for heartache, do you?"

"Hermione, why did you come to my bedroom? I thought you had not heard me come in."

Hermione shrugged. "Draco heard you come in. Why don't you join us on the couch?"

"Oh, no thank you," I said. "I do not want to interrupt."

"You're not interrupting," she said.

"Yes, I am. I know I did not make the best first impression, and I know that Mr. Malfoy already hates my guts. I do not want to add any fuel to it. Besides, you three looked cozy, and I do not mean to make things tense by sitting down with you. So, no thank you."

"Alright, suit yourself," she shrugged again and left.

Why did I want her to try harder in trying to convince me to join? She probably did not want me to join, but only thought it the polite thing to offer, I reasoned. Making new friends was never hard for me, but then again, I had never met people who did not believe in God before. I regret saying those things to Draco when we first met. I better stay away from the man before he beats me to a bloody pulp. He looks strong enough to manage that, no matter what his sexual orientation is. Just now I realize how silly it is to assume that homos cannot fight and that they are weak sissies. Draco certainly does not look like a weak sissy to me. I admit I am afraid of him. And I have never been afraid of another man before. Perhaps it is his intimidating height that frightens me, since I am not that tall (about five feet and eleven inches, I believe).

I have no idea how long Marc and Draco are staying, but I am determined to stay in my room until they are gone. Partially because I do not to wish to anger Mr. Malfoy with my presence, and because they looked happy enough to watch the movie with the three of them; I would be like the fourth wheel. I glanced at the Bible again, and for the first time in many years I had no desire to read one page of it. The conversations I had with the people at the church and Draco made me doubt my belief and it made me doubt the Bible. A lot of things in the Bible did not seem to make sense to me anymore. Of course, being raised as a Christian, I knew many verses and passages of the Bible at heart. And the more I thought about it, the more I questioned it. I saw the Bible as proof of God's existence, but there was no proof that everything in the Bible truly happened. My parents would curse me to the flames of hell if they could hear what I am thinking right now and they would see non-believers as a bad influence, but perhaps it is good to question things.

Just like Draco did. He questioned things too.

I groaned, and flopped down on the bed. I stared at the pearly white ceiling, and wondered why in heaven's name I kept thinking about that man? He was a gorgeous man, and it were probably his looks that captivated me, for I did not know him. It was a shallow thing, something that could easily vanish. I hoped.

Would men find me attractive I wondered? I always did get the attention from girls, telling me how cute I was, but how did guys view me? How did Seth view me? Thinking back on our conversation after the service ended, I found that I agreed with a lot of things he had said to me. I thought it a sweet gesture that he wanted to help. I closed my eyes and allowed whatever images to pop up in my mind. There was of course the dream I had of Draco, which again caused my chest to tighten and butterflies to swarm about in my belly. How nice it would feel to lie in the arms of the one you desire. I could imagine his arms around me, keeping me warm and safe. Just now I realize how lonely I feel and how much I crave for human contact; a different kind of human contact my parents gave me. I desired the human contact from a lover, or perhaps a friend. Neither of my friends ever hugged me or patted me on the shoulder; they are all very conservative and my male friends do not touch each other in any way.

My mother used to hug me when I was still a teenager, but that stopped once I grew 'too old', according to her. My father only hugged me when I was a little boy. From the age of fourteen, he only shook my hand and patted me on the back if I had done something to make him proud. I wanted my dad to be proud of me. I asked him once why he did not hug me like my mom did, and he replied with: "It is improper for two men to hug each other, son." And I believed him.

I had only been in Manhattan for three days and already my life had turned upside down. Or perhaps I just got easily influenced. Even if that is so, I notice that my parents were wrong about a lot of things that they had taught me. And it is my prejudiced upbringing that causes people to dislike me because they do not think so closed-minded.

Ah, well, being raised religiously, I can hardly do anything about that, now can I? Perhaps I should apologize to Draco for the things I said. It sounded like a good idea in my mind, but what if he just threw my apology back in my face? He was right; he did not know me, and my words meant nothing to him. But still I felt the urge to apologize. I did not want to do that in front of Marc or Hermione however. Perhaps I could ask Hermione if she could ask Draco to meet with me. I had no idea where the man lived and perhaps we could take a walk through Central Park and then I could apologize.

Suddenly my bedroom door opened again, and I was so startled that my heart beat wildly in my throat. Only this time it wasn't Hermione that stood in the doorway; it was Draco.

"Why don't you join us?" he asked, and walked into my bedroom without asking if that was OK with me.

"I do not wish to be a bother," I said and sat up on my bed. "Hermione asked the same thing, why are you asking again?"

"To see if I could persuade you," he shrugged. "We're watching a move called 'Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street'. It's a musical done by Tim Burton. It's about this barber who murders his customers and about this woman, a baker who uses the barber's victims as a part of her cakes and loafs of bread and whatever else she bakes. It's a sad love story."

"It is a love story?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Draco nodded. "Besides, Johnny Depp is hot. You might like Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Lovett. I admit that she's an attractive woman."

"No thank you. I imagine the movie is halfway over already."

"Come on, staying holed up here isn't that much fun, is it?"

"Well, no … I do not want to interrupt you three," I said, feeling nervous because Draco sat down next to me on the bed. "I do not really like being a fourth wheel."

"Who said anything about wheels?" he asked me. "How was church? Met any interesting people there?"

"It was fine, and what do you care? You are an atheist."

"True," he nodded. "Can't I ask how the service went? I'm expressing my interest. Hermione told me you met Seth Long."

"Does everybody know Seth Long?" I groaned.

"Yeah," he nodded again. "He lives around here. He's a pretty nice guy. He had a crush on me once. He's said he's over me, but I'm not so sure."

"He did?"

"He did. It was back when I was still with Blaise. I told him that I had a boyfriend and he backed off. I'd like to be closer friends with him, but I don't want him to get his hopes up if he still has those feelings for me, you know? That would be cruel, to play with his feelings."

"Yeah," I said softly and stared at the wooden floor. "I am gay."

"I know."

I glanced at him and looked back down again. Was I that obvious? I am surprised my parents kicked me out on my twentieth if they already knew. It would be better if I apologized to him now, instead of having to meet up with him later. "I apologize for the things I said."

"That's OK," Draco said. "I've heard it before. Are you sure you don't want to watch? Neither of us minds, you know?"

"Why are you being nice to me?" I wondered.

"I'm offering you to watch a movie, that's all. I realize we got off on the wrong foot, and perhaps I shouldn't have lectured you like I did, but it's something I do often; I tend to lecture people, especially when I'm backing up my arguments. But since I'm a close friend of Hermione, and Hermione is your roommate, that means we'll be seeing a lot of each other, you know what I mean? So perhaps we should try to get along."

"OK," I said and sneaked a glance at him. He really was big; not just tall, but broad and muscular. I felt like he could break me like a toothpick, being the skinnier and smaller one. I am rather skinny, I do have muscles, but it still makes me look skinny.

"So what about watching that movie?"

I ended up agreeing and followed him out to the living area. Hermione and Marc both greeted me, and I gave them a smile as I sat down. Much to my nerves, Draco sat down next to me and hit the 'play' button on the remote control. The movie played again, and I was not sure whether or not I would like it. Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd was rather nice. I found myself appreciating his looks, and now I understood why girls were always fawning over him; he was rather handsome, though I secretly prefer him with a mustache like he had in 'the Pirates of the Caribbean', a movie I had watched at a friend's house back in Virginia.

"Damn, Johnny Depp is so hot," Marc sighed.

"Better not let Sirius hear you," Draco replied in sing-song voice.

"He knows I find Johnny attractive, well who doesn't?" Marc said with a laugh. "That man is forty-six and still looks like a God. I love older men. They're more experienced, you know? They've seen things and experienced things, and they can teach you a lot."

"Do you often get an extra crash course on gay sex, Marc?" Draco asked.

"Only when I ask," Marc winked. "Naw, just kidding, Harry," he said when he saw the look on my face. I am sure I had paled slightly. "I've been dating Sirius for about three months now, and he's still trying to win me over by taking me to restaurants and making my heart melt just a little bit more for him. He knows I like him and we share a lot of interests. I'm really happy I met him."

"Sounds like your Mr. Right, sweetie," Draco said and looked at Marc, smiling genuinely. Again, I felt flutters in my belly while trying hard not to look at him, but at the TV screen where Sweeney Todd was killing some guy.

"Yeah, and he only made love to me once, in Italy," Marc said dreamily. "It was the perfect first time with him."

"Yeah, so it wasn't hardcore like you made it sound?"

"No, it wasn't," Marc laughed. "He was very gentle with me and I told him that I appreciated that a lot afterwards. He's not that type who needs to prove to me how big of a man he is. And he knows I don't like that."

"Guys, we're trying to watch a movie, can you discuss your love lives another time?" Hermione interrupted, eyes glued to the screen.

"Sorry," Draco and Marc muttered at the same time.

I tried hard not to smile at that and instead to focus on the screen. I did not particularly like the bloody scenes, but Mrs. Lovett looked quite, well, lovely. She looked like a doll that came to life. If I would say that out loud, I would probably get laughed at. After the movie ended, Draco stretched on the sofa next to me and put his hands behind his head. He looked like a model posing for a magazine, and he probably knew it. Was he teasing me because he knew I could never have that man? That he knew that he was way out of my league? Ah, it did not matter a lot. There is no way that I would want to be in a relationship right now. First I want to be at peace with myself before giving myself to a man. How did that work by the way? Did other gay men expect things from you? Did they assume that you were not a virgin, or perhaps only looking for some fun? I definitely do not want some fun. I want my first time to be memorable, and I want it to be with a guy that I love. Never mind the fact that I was nowhere near ready for that. It helped that I thought about it and did not feel repulsed.

I am sure that my parents did not mean this when they said to me that I would discover what homos are truly like.


	6. 4 Part IV

Part IV

It has been five weeks since I moved to Manhattan, New York. I have been able to get used to a routine, not to mention the lack of privacy I have while sharing the apartment with my roommate Hermione. I go to church when I can and tonight (Saturday) is my sort-of-date with Seth. He called me a few days ago to have a drink, even though I had not expected him to call for that. I thought perhaps he had forgotten. It was alright if he wanted it to be a date, or perhaps I just wanted it to be a date. I was kind of curious what it would be like to be with a man, but I do not want anyone to be my experimentation, which could lead to heartache. I told Hermione of my sort-of-date with Seth, and she did not seem at all shocked at hearing from me that I am gay. I am sure she expected that already. They do say that the biggest homophobes are the biggest closet-cases. Perhaps that is the truth.

I do not cut myself as often as I used to. I am still finding myself unable to quit; it has become an addiction, and every time I cut, I get an erection. It still embarrasses me. Hermione has not found out about my cutting addiction, because I wash away all the evidence and I never prance about the apartment without a shirt on. Years and years of manners ingrained in me caused me to be a bit of a stiff person, maybe prudish is a better word. Hermione and I get along rather well as we are getting to know one another. Draco visits frequently and sometimes I still see Marc, who has happiness written all over his face. I am glad that he has found the love of his life. Everyone deserves finding love and happiness, whether they are gay or straight. That is the new tune I am singing nowadays.

I love my life in Manhattan. It seems that no one cares what you are doing, as long as you do not break the law of course. This carefree life is wonderful, and I am already dreading the moment when I am expected to go back to Virginia. Perhaps I could persuade my parents to let me stay here. I am old enough am I not?

My job as a clerk at the bookstore is quiet and sometimes boring, but I love helping people and I love being surrounded by books. Sometimes I read a book myself when there is no customer about. I have discovered the wonderful history section in the back of the store; it has many great tomes on the World Wars, it has tomes on the history of countries (the history of Japan is particularly interesting). Many customers are older men and women, sometimes a teenager searches for a girl-book on love and what else. I have yet to see teenage boys in the bookshop. Perhaps the teenage boys from this generation did not do reading. Who knows? I did read a lot when I was a teenager; granted it was mostly books on Christianity, God and Jesus, but I did read them.

The owner of the store is an elderly woman who dotes on me, I think. She has the tendency to grab my cheeks and squeeze them. My grandma did that a lot too back when I was still a child. The woman and I have a mutual understanding of books. She is not religious however, but that does not bother me. And it does not bother her that I am gay.

"Whatever floats yer boat, darlin'," she had said with a drawl and a shrug.

I still marvel at the open-mindedness of New York's inhabitants. It has such a different mentality from the people of Virginia. Sometimes I see dangerous-looking black men walk around, wearing gold chains around their necks and way too wide pants and shirts. And the next minute I see them helping an old woman across the street. What kind of world have I fallen into? I slid my hand across the smooth counter and sighed. From the counter, I have an excellent view on the store; the door is right in front of me, and there hangs a little bell above it to signal the entering of someone. There is a storage room behind me where there are many old books stacked, and there are some new ones in case the books in the shop run out. It is also where I have a brief lunch.

When I first started working here, I browsed the many rows of bookshelves, and finally stumbled across an erotic section. There were books on heterosexual erotica, but also on homosexual erotica and lesbian erotica. I had no idea that there were erotic books about gay and lesbian sex! And I had no idea either that an old woman, such as my boss, sold them. How embarrassing. I was glad that there were no customers who had spotted me lurking in the corner of the store where a big sign hangs from the ceiling with 'erotica' on it. I am more thankful that my boss did not see me.

It is currently Monday May thirty-first, 10:37 A.M. There have been a few customers already, including a mother with the most adorable baby boy. I would probably adopt a baby boy from like, China or Japan or something. I also thought about whether or not I would have a partner by then. What if he did not like children? Well, then that was too bad. I like kids, I am rather good with them and I know what they need, even if the only sound they can make at baby stage is gurgling. Babies are so adorable. Every child deserves a loving home and a loving parent or two. Would two men be able to raise a child together though? I am sure it would be fine. Besides, I am only twenty, and I am not going to raise a child on my twentieth. How would I explain that to my parents? I am sure that they want nothing to do with me when I tell them everything that has been happening with me.

Suddenly the little bell above the door jingled, and Seth came into the store. He spotted me, smiled and made a beeline for the counter.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hey," I replied. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking around for any interesting books of course," Seth said. "I heard from Hermione that you worked here, so I thought I'd come by for a chat."

"That is nice of you." I cannot believe I would blush about something as silly as that. It almost seemed like a couple thing to do; one partner checking up on the other, even if said partner only wanted to chat.

"Hey, about tonight …" he began, and I already knew what he was going to say before he said it. He probably had other plans, or 'something came up', the most used excuse to blow off a date, even if it was not really a date. "… something came up."

I felt my chest tighten with disappointment and I felt my good mood disappear immediately. I averted my eyes from his apologetic ones and shrugged slightly, not wanting to let him know how much I looked forward to it. "Oh," I said softly, not knowing what else to say when I just got discarded like a toy a child begged for but not really wanted the moment the child got it.

"I'm really sorry," I heard Seth say. He sounded sincere.

I sighed and shrugged again. "It was not a date anyway, was it?"

"Well, no … but I can see that you're disappointed. You see, my sister and her husband were coming this week from China to visit me and my parents, but I didn't know that they would arrive tonight. They had taken a plane earlier than I expected."

I had never heard this excuse before. It seemed that this man was trying to let me believe that it was not because of me, but I did not know him; he could be lying through his teeth for all I knew. And I had not expected to feel this disappointed. "Look, you do not have to lie about it. If you do not want to have a drink with me, you can just say so. We do not really know each other anyway." The most embarrassing thing happened just then; my eyes started to tear up. I am sure it has to do with my low self-esteem and I could not help but think that this guy did not want to have a drink with me after all because he did not like me, even though we had spoken to each other more often and he would call me at random times to talk.

"Harry, I do want to have a drink with you, and I'm really sorry that we can't go out tonight," Seth said. "I'd like to make it up to you."

I looked up at him and looked out of the shop's window. The streets were packed with cars, buses, trucks and people. Children chased each other, and their mothers ran after their kids to make sure they did not unexpectedly get to see the underside of a truck. "Alright," I mumbled.

"Alright what?"

"You can make it up to me," I said, smiling slightly through my hurt feelings and disappointment.

"I'm really sorry about it," he said again. "What about tomorrow after your shift has ended? I know this great Italian place where we can have dinner."

"Are you asking me out on a date?" I asked.

"Yes, I am," Seth nodded. "If you feel uncomfortable in any way, please let me know. I know you're still in the middle of self-acceptance, and if I go too fast in any way, I want you to tell me, OK? Is a date alright with you?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "It is."

"Shall I pick you up when you're done?"

"Sounds good. My shift ends at six o'clock."

"I know," Seth winked. "Hermione told me. See you tomorrow then."

"Bye," I said, watching the man leave the shop again. I felt disappointed but slightly excited too. He had asked me out … That made my belly flutter with the feelings I had felt a lot around Draco. Speaking of Draco, I did see the man often, but we did not speak a lot. Draco was usually at the apartment for Hermione, and I had no reason whatsoever to think that he would ever come for me. I do not understand why I am so hung up on the guy. I just got asked out by a handsome man, and I think about Draco Malfoy. How silly. I was disappointed that Seth and I would not have a drink tonight, something I had looked forward to a lot, but I was excited about the date tomorrow. Having dinner at an Italian restaurant sure sounded romantic. Then I began to get doubts; would Seth kiss me goodnight and would he expect that I allow it? Would he expect to get asked inside the apartment? I had never been on a date before, and I had no idea what to do about it. What should I wear? I did not have a lot of clothes, since I often wore shirts that looked a lot like the other and I only had about three pairs of jeans. I did not need more clothes, but I wondered what Seth would wear. I wondered what kind of restaurant it was, that way I could dress appropriately.

I was worrying so much that I had not heard the jingle of the bell, and when someone cleared their throat in front of me, my eyes snapped to the person who waited for me to notice them. "Er, hi, can I help you?"

The young man in front of me nodded. I think he was about seventeen or eighteen years old. "I'm looking for books on astrology."

"Astrology? I believe we have a few books on astrology. If you would follow me, please?" I led him to the front of the store and quickly found books on astrology at the letter 'A'. "Here they are."

"Thank you, sir," the young man smiled and turned to the books in front of him.

"You are welcome," I said politely and went back behind the counter. I saw him looking in my direction a few times, but I pretended not to notice. I sure hoped that this guy, a boy really, would not try anything with me. I know the way those punks are nowadays. They usually have a big mouth to strangers; even to their elders and they are rebellious. I would certainly raise my child with proper manners. I think I would be a good father. I would show affection to my child like my father did not really do. I would teach him that it was alright to show affection towards another man. I would teach him not to be prejudiced towards any minority; I would let him decide for himself what he did or did not approve of.

The boy approached the counter with one of the books we have on astrology. He put the book on the counter and I scanned the article.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" he said.

"Sorry?" I tried my best not to laugh; because that was the worst pick-up line I had ever heard. "I do not think so. I have only lived here for about five weeks."

"Oh," the boy nodded. "You look familiar though. Are you sure you don't have a twin or something running around here?"

"I am an only child," I answered. "That will be thirteen dollars and eighty cents, please."

The boy handed me the right amount of money, placing his right hand in mine. I am sure he was doing it deliberately. I smiled slightly and put the money in the cash register.

"You're pretty cute," he said.

I chuckled and looked at him. "I am sure I am too old for you, kid."

"I'm eighteen," he said matter-of-factly.

"Do you always hit on people like this?" I questioned.

"If I see someone cute," the boy shrugged. "Then yeah, I do."

I sighed and ran a hand trough my untamable black locks. "I am not available."

"Oh," he said, and I could easily read the disappointment in his eyes. "Sorry. Thanks for the book."

I watched the kid leave with red cheeks and his head bowed. I am pretty sure he felt embarrassed. Still, I cannot believe I got hit on by an eighteen year old. It sure felt strange, since only girls had hit on me before, and even when they did, they were not as forward as this kid had been. I wondered why I said I was not available; because technically I was still single and one date did not count. Perhaps the date would go horrible and Seth would be so disappointed that he would not want to go out with me again. I would deal with that when it happened. The kid was too young for me anyway, and his parents would probably not allow it. I prefer someone older with more experience, who knows how to take care of me.

Perhaps Seth was that someone, perhaps not. I could not know that unless I got to know the guy a little better.

The night of the date had finally arrived and I had decided to go with a pair of dark jeans and a casual T-shirt, since it had gotten warmer. Just as the clock struck six o'clock, the door opened, the bell jingled and I felt my heart beat faster. I sure was nervous about this date. Seth walked in also wearing a dark pair of jeans and a leather jacket that was halfway unzipped. He wore a tight, white muscle shirt underneath it. Apparently a lot of gay men spent a lot of time at the gym.

"Are you ready?" Seth asked with a broad smile. I could tell that he either wanted to hug me or to kiss me, but he probably thought I would be uncomfortable if he did that.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Let me close up the store and then we can go. Is it far away?" I asked as I took my coat from the storage cupboard.

"It's about a five minute walk."

"OK." I followed him out of the store and locked up.

"You look nice," he said.

"Thank you, so do you." The compliment he gave me made me all warm inside.

"Thanks. Are you feeling up for Italian, by the way? If you'd rather go someplace else …"

"Oh, no, that is fine," I said. "I am not very familiar with the restaurants around here, and Italian sounds fine."

"OK," Seth said. "How was work? Were you busy?"

"Er, I think I had about thirty-five customers today. And before you showed up, there was this kid who wanted a book on astrology and he said I was pretty cute when he paid for it. Do young gay guys do that often? Hitting on other guys?"

"Some of them do," Seth shrugged. "Did you feel uncomfortable when he hit on you?"

"A little bit," I admitted. "I think it was more because of the fact that he looked a lot younger than eighteen. I find it kind of disturbing when kids hit on me. It seems more of a joke to them than anything serious."

"What did you say to him?"

"I said that I was not available." I felt my cheeks redden and bit my lower lip. There was nothing wrong with admitting that was there?

"Are you unavailable?" my companion asked rather coyly.

"I do not know. Am I? You are the one who asked me out on a date."

"Indeed," he nodded. "There it is. Let's go inside, OK?"

I nodded and he let me enter the restaurant first, guiding me in by placing his hand on my lower back. We were met with a blond waitress who smiled at the both of us. Seth asked for a table for two near the window and the woman led us to a table in a cozy corner. It was not exactly crowded, but there were a lot of people there. I feared a little for people's reactions to two men having a romantic candlelit dinner (for the waitress lit the candle as we sat down at the table), but I decided not to think about it too much. We got handed the menu card by the woman.

"Would you gentlemen like to have a drink to start with?" she asked.

"I'll have a red wine please," Seth said.

"Eh, I would like an Ice Tea," I said.

"OK, I'll be right back with your drinks." The waitress left us and I glanced around, noticing that we were not the only same-sex couple having a romantic dinner. "Did you take me to a gay-friendly restaurant on purpose?"

"Kind of," he confessed. "I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable, and besides, this is one of my favorite places to go to and the food is great. I thought that this place was the best one to go to put you at ease."

"Thank you, that is very thoughtful of you," I said and smiled at him. Then I remembered that I still had my coat on and took it off, for it was a bit warm inside with a coat on. I opened the menu card and glanced at the many different pizzas they had and the other dishes they served (such as Italian pasta and spaghetti). "What do you recommend?"

"Well, I'm a vegetarian, so I only go for the vegetarian dishes," he said.

"How long have you been a vegetarian?" I asked, thankful that we had at least one topic to talk about. Awkward silences are so awkward.

"I was twelve when I stopped eating meat, because I felt sorry for the animals being slaughtered for it, which was the primary reason by the way. I'm twenty-three now, so that's eleven years. I have grown accustomed to not eating meat, and I do not feel like eating it anyway, I'd probably get sick. Draco is a vegan by the way."

"Really? A vegan? That means you do not drink milk, eat eggs or consume any other animal product, right?"

"Right," Seth nodded. "He's a animal activist and he protests against wearing fur and the seal hunt in Canada, the major whale and dolphin slaughter in Japan and he's against animal experiments and stuff like that. We met each other at one of the activist meetings against the seal hunts in Canada. He's a cool guy, if not intimidating. But he's very nice."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Wow, I had not expected that from him."

"Yeah, he's not the animal activist type, I know," Seth laughed. "He was a vegetarian first for about six years and then switched to vegan. Well, I'll give him props; I could probably not do it."

"Wow," I said again. "So, what do you eat instead of meat? Do you eat fish?"

"No, I never liked fish," Seth said. "Fish are also animals, and there's no way I'm going to eat a slick, slimy little creature." He shuddered and pulled a disgusted face.

"That is OK, I do not like fish either," I said with a smile. "So do you eat meat replacers, the stuff based on soy?"

"Yeah," Seth nodded. "They've introduced a lot more meat replacers over the last few years. And it's very edible once you get used to it."

"I do not think I could lay off a piece of meat," I laughed and looked up when the blond waitress approached up with our drinks. "Thank you," I nodded when she placed the glass of Ice Tea in front of me.

"You're welcome, gents," she smiled. "Are you ready to order yet?"

"Er … I'll have the Calzone Special, please," Seth said.

"OK," she said. "And you, sir?"

"Oh, er …" I quickly scanned the long lists of pizzas. "I would like the Calzone Special too, please." She nodded and smiled brightly. She took the menu cards and left us again. "I wonder what my first vegetarian pizza will taste like."

Seth grinned and took a sip from his red wine. "I'm sure you'll like it. It's so delicious, not to mention healthy."

"That is always a good thing, right? So, how have you been?"

"I'm good. My sister and her hubby arrived last night and they're staying at my place, so I'm hogging the couch." He did not seem too pleased with that. "I'm thankful I have a comfortable couch."

I chuckled and took a sip from my cool drink. "I do not think my parents would want to join me here in Manhattan. I bet they think the place is evil."

"Are you going back to your parents' place?"

I looked up at him and sighed. "I want to stay here. I want to be free. I do not think my parents will mind once they learn why I want to stay."

"That's tough," he said and reached over the table to grab my hand. His hand felt warm and smooth around my smaller hand. His fingers gently rubbed the back of my hand and that gesture made me feel incredibly happy. No one had ever done that before. I let him lace our fingers together and our palms touched. He silently asked me with his eyes if this was OK; it was more than OK and I let him know by squeezing his hand and smiling at him. Our little moment got interrupted by the waitress who handed us our pizzas. We let go of each other's hands and cut into our rather big pizza. It was very good and very tasty, and I ate it as if I had not had a meal in weeks.

"What do you think of the pizza? It's good isn't it?"

"It is," I nodded and stuffed another bite of pizza in my mouth. "This is without a doubt one of the best pizzas I have ever had."

Seth smiled and took a sip from his wine. He had almost finished his pizza while I had a little than half left of mine. It really was good. As Seth and I finished our pizzas, the waitress brought us another drink on Seth's request and she took our empty plates with her. I realized we had already been at the restaurant for an hour, but I was in no hurry, and I hoped Seth was not either. It was a nice first date without a lot of hassle and expectations.

"What was it like to grow up for you? You know, to keep your feelings hidden from your parents and friends? I'm sure it must've been tough," Seth said.

"It was," I nodded. "I was taught that it was unnatural and I am still not completely at peace with it. A part of me does not want to disappoint my parents, but I already have. And the church around here is so much different. No one preaches that someone is evil if they do this or that. It is about peace and love. It will take some time to get fully used to that, not to mention to get used to accepting these feelings. So far I feel a lot less troubled because I can be who I am."

"That's good," Seth said. "I hope you find peace with yourself."

"I am positive that I will," I nodded and a comfortable silence hung between us like a milky white cloud across a blue summer sky. "I already feel so much better now that I am here in Manhattan. Things back at home were a bit suffocating."

"I bet."

Suddenly I chuckled rather nervously. "I do not know what to say right now."

"You don't have to say anything," Seth shrugged. "I hope you were not too disappointed yesterday? I'm truly sorry."

"It is alright," I shrugged. "I prefer a date over a casual drink."

"Yeah?" Seth smiled and chugged the rest of his wine. "Good thing I asked you out then. Are you ready to go?"

I nodded and finished my drink. Seth called a waitress over and said that he would like to pay the check. He followed the waitress to the front of the restaurant. I decided to put on my coat and went back to the front where Seth was paying the bill. I felt a little guilty for letting him pay the bill, so if we would go out again, I would pay for whatever we were going to do. Seth just smiled at me and led me out into the open air. The sun was setting, which gave the sky a beautiful orange hue. I glanced at my wristwatch and saw that it was a quarter past seven.

"Would you like to take a walk through Central Park before we go back?" Seth asked.

"OK," I nodded. "It is still nice out, so why not?"

"Great," he smiled and hailed a cab. He told the cab driver to take us to Central Park and thankfully he let me pay for the cab drive. This was one of the best nights of my life. Seth subtly took my hand and again laced our fingers together. He took me to a bench surrounded with beautiful flowers and trees. There was a big pond in front of the bench where ducks already had their heads under their wings. A few ducks looked up at us and after a minute or so they decided they were not threatened by our presence and went back to sleep. We sat down rather close to each other, but I did not feel pressured to do anything. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer to his body. It felt kind of nice to be this close to somebody. "I'm glad we didn't miss the sunset," he muttered, leaning into me slightly. "I love sunsets. It's so romantic."

I chuckled and leaned against his body. It felt so _right_. And nothing at all like when I sat close to a girl; it was uncomfortable and she would giggle every five minutes. Those giggles always annoyed me. The breasts felt strange against my body whenever a girl would hug me in 'thanks', and there was nothing down there that sent jolts trough my body when I gave a girl a full body hug. Thinking about a girl's genitals made me pull a face as if I had just bitten in a fresh lemon. "Sunsets are pretty," I murmured, and feeling very, very bold, I hesitantly wrapped my right arm across his belly. That way I could lean my head against his shoulder and it was rather comfortable. I felt Seth wrap his free arm across my shoulder and he slowly started to stroke it through my coat. "I did not think I could ever feel this way."

"What way do you feel then?" Seth asked.

"I feel … happier than I have ever been. I am not afraid."

"Good."

Seth's hand slid up to my cheek and he guided my face upwards. He gently pressed his lips against mine and the fireworks exploded behind my closed eyes; his lips were so incredibly soft and smooth, they felt perfect. His lips slowly caressed mine and I could never have thought that this was the perfect time and place for my first kiss with a man. He pulled away and licked his lips slowly. "Was that OK?"

"Yeah," I nodded and lay back against him. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the trees and every object had an orange-ish glow to it. It was a very romantic sight to watch the sun disappear. My date with Seth could not have been more perfect.


	7. 5 Part V

**Warning: Cutting and masturbation**

Part V

After our kiss, Seth walked me home, up the four flights of stairs and asked me which number the apartment was. When we stood in front of room four hundred four, I turned towards Seth. "I really enjoyed tonight," I said. "Dinner was great and watching the sunset together was priceless."

"I'm glad you liked it as much as I did," Seth smiled and leaned into me. He wrapped his arms around me and for a moment I felt very safe and protected in his arms. He kept his arms around me as he looked down at me and kissed me again ever so softly. There was a hint of his tongue at my lower lip, and out of instinct, I opened my mouth further. When his tongue slipped inside my mouth, I got violently attacked by butterflies and my chest tightened so much it made me gasp. His tongue massaged mine, curling around it while our lips did their dance. It was even better than our first kiss at the park. I did not dare to put my tongue in his mouth, so I just settled for allowing him in. Being the dominant type, I am sure he would not like it if I put my tongue in his mouth. Perhaps this was his way of letting me know that he was in control. That was fine with me. People have always been in control of me, I have gotten used to it.

When he pulled away from me, he pecked me once on the lips and withdrew his arms from their comfortable spot on my hips. "I'll call you, OK? Goodnight, Harry."

"Night," I said and watched him leave again. I could not help but think that that was a very hasty depart after such a kiss. Maybe he thought I was lousy at it, who knows? I turned to the red door and opened it, knowing Hermione was home and knowing that the door was unlocked. I spotted my roommate and Draco sitting on the couch watching yet again another movie.

"How was your date?" Hermione asked, waggling her eyebrows.

"It was fine," I said and shrugged off my coat. "He took me to an Italian restaurant and afterwards we went to the Central Park where we watched the sunset."

"How romantic. Did anything interesting happen?" she asked.

"What my dear friend wants to know is whether or not you two kissed, swapped any spit or groped each other," Draco said in monotone, his eyes not leaving the screen for one second. "Really, Hermione, you should phrase your questions better."

Hermione shot him an irritable look, but turned her large brown eyes on me and smiled brightly, wanting to know anyway.

"We kissed," I answered. "That is all you are getting out of me."

"Did you use tongue?"

I sighed. I have grown accustomed to the fact that girls always want to know everything from you (my mom did for example). "Yes, he put his tongue in my mouth just now at the door. Now can I please put my coat away and sit down on the couch or is this interrogation not over yet?"

"Don't bet on it, pal," Draco said. "She'll assault you whenever she can until she knows every single detail. Trust me, I know. You're not getting out of this."

"Shit," I muttered.

"You cursed!" Hermione gasped. "Honey, our baby is growing up!" she gushed and jumped off the couch. She grabbed my coat, dumped it somewhere and forced me to sit down next to Draco, who looked bored to tears and she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips as if she was expecting something.

"Er, what is it?" I asked.

"I bet your first kiss with him was at Central Park, during the sunset," she accused.

"Yeah," I said, bewildered.

"Oh, that is so like Seth. He's a romantic to the core, _unlike _you Draco."

"Seth told me that Draco is a vegan," I said, glancing at the blond man, who still did not look away from the screen.

"Oh, you've been talking about me, have you?" he muttered.

"Not really," I shrugged. "Seth told me he was a vegetarian for eleven years and then he said that you were a vegetarian for six years and then switched to veganism. He also told me of your animal activism. Protesting against killing seals for their fur and all that."

"Hmm, yeah," he said. "We met at one of the activist meetings against the slaughter of seals in Canada. Perhaps you should join, Potter. It might be good for you."

"Why would that be good for me?"

"Well, a lot of people are against killing baby seals for their fur, but few actually do something about it. If you want to add your two cents, then why not go to the meetings? There's a meeting every month on a Saturday, and this month we're having a meeting about the Japanese killing dolphins and whales and such. We're also going to watch 'The Cove'. I've seen it, and unfortunately it's the die-hard truth."

"What is it about?" I asked quietly, feeling my good mood deflate like a pricked balloon.

"There's this village, Taiji, in Japan, and if you'd go there, you'd think that the people there are very fond of dolphins and whales because you can see various statues of cetaceans there. Every year, during the months of September to March, they round up dolphins in Taiji. Dolphin trainers will stand in line, they will select a dolphin they want to train, those dolphins will be separated from the rest of the group and the rest gets, unfortunately, slaughtered in a secret cove where no human can see what is happening. This crew from America placed secret cameras to film what they are doing and there's this underwater shot and when those assholes start harpooning those dolphins, you see the entire water turning blood red. It's disgusting. Then, the saddest scene of all, there's this couple standing in the water, the woman is crying, because she knows what happens to those poor creatures―they're from the activist group by the way―and then this dolphin comes swimming towards them, and you can see the harpoon wounds on the poor animal's body. It drowns while trying to reach the couple. It's too disgusting for words what those people do. And then they happily feed the dolphin meat to school kids while the meat is tainted with mercury. Pretty fucked up, huh?"

I felt my insides squirm and doing somersaults in disgust. I placed my hand in front of my mouth, feeling bile rise in my throat. I swallowed hard, forcing my pizza back down to my stomach. Unfortunately I am an imagery thinker, and I could see the dolphins getting harpooned by those people in my mind. I do not know why it affected me so much; perhaps it was because I had never concerned myself to learn what happens in the world. I did know that whales got captured and put in tanks for people to look at and fawn over, but I did not know that dolphins got slaughtered on such a large scale.

"Are you OK?" Draco asked, looking away from the TV screen for the first time since I had come home.

"That is sick," I whispered. "I think I have to throw up." Just as those words left my mouth, I shot off the couch and ran for the bathroom where I lost my dinner. I felt someone behind me rubbing my back soothingly. My hair got pulled out of my face just as I threw up the last remains of that delicious pizza. I flushed the toilet and shakily got to my feet. I walked over to one of the sinks and rinsed my mouth with water to get rid of the bitter aftertaste. I held onto the sink, fighting off another wave of nausea and my breathing came out labored. I felt a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around my waist and I felt a body behind me.

"Just breathe," Draco murmured. He rubbed my belly, and fortunately it helped to calm me, though I winced slightly when his fingers brushed against the healing cuts. I had closed my eyes and breathed steadily through my nose while trying to keep the nausea at bay.

"That is without a doubt one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard," I whispered. "Who the hell kills dolphins?"

"Don't get a panic attack now, OK?" Draco said.

"I am not … panicking," I said, breathing faster through my mouth. I felt like someone was trying to squeeze the air out of my lungs and I could not get enough air.

"Hey, breathe through your nose, not your mouth," he said. I clutched one of his arms and forced myself to breathe through my nose, even though I felt like I would drown if I did not breathe through my mouth. _Drowning dolphins …_ I gasped, drawing in a shuddering breath. My legs felt like they were made of jelly and tears sprang into my eyes. My heart beat wildly in my chest, but I could not get enough air. My legs gave away under my weight and I slowly slid to the tiled floor, bringing Draco down with me. I had never had a panic attack before, but I did not like it one bit. The only think I could think was: 'Need air! Need air!' "Harry," Draco said. "Close your mouth."

"Need air," I gasped.

"I know, but close your mouth," he said again. "Calm down. What did you and Seth talk about during your dinner?"

"Pizzas," I gasped out. "I wondered … what my first … vegetarian pizza … would taste like."

"And what do you think it tastes like?"

"Vegetables," I answered.

Suddenly Draco laughed behind me and started to rock our bodies together. Our sort-of-hugging position was rather snug actually, even though I could not think about it at the present moment. Later, I would recall how Draco had sat behind me; how he held me and I would envision a naughty scene in that very same position but then a little bit different. "What pizza did you order?"

"Cal-Calzone Special."

"Ah," he murmured. "That one's good, isn't it? Was the sunset pretty?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Is he a good kisser?" Draco asked curiously, if not coyly.

"None of your business," I said, feeling my breathing starting to slow again because of all this talking.

Draco chuckled in my ear and stopped talking. He probably noticed that my breathing turned a bit more normal. "This is a rather comfy position, isn't it?"

"Hmm," I agreed and closed my eyes while leaning back against his chest. It was indeed a very comfortable position. I felt like I could fall asleep in his arms. Even though I liked Seth a lot, I did not feel this pull to him that I felt with Draco. I felt an undeniable attraction towards him. Draco was the teasing type, I knew that and he had made a few inappropriate comments before, teasing comments, like he knew that I was hopelessly attracted to him, but that I would never be with that man. It was like he knew it and decided to tease me about it. I had already convinced myself to get over him, but then Draco would do something that made me doubt that decision. I had just discovered that Draco is a caring person and it felt wonderful to be taken care of by him, even if he was not interested in me except to be friends.

Embarrassingly enough, I had apparently fallen asleep in his arms, and I woke up a few hours later in my bed. The curtains were drawn and the room was dark. My cell phone told me that it was three o'clock in the morning. I sighed and turned over on my back. Then I realized that I only wore my pajama bottoms. The thought of Draco undressing me did some interesting things to my penis. I suppose I could indulge myself. It has been a long time since I touched myself down there and I felt a bit horny all of a sudden. I slid my pajama bottoms and my underwear down my calves and put the garments aside. I spread my legs, put one arm behind my head and let my free hand wander down to my penis. Images of Draco entered my mind, the way we sat on the bathroom floor, so comfortable I felt. Would Draco hold me like that if he made love to me? Would he prepare me thoroughly? I believe that Draco is as hung as a horse, however embarrassing that sounded to me. I have seen the man's crotch (through his jeans obviously) and I felt his package against my buttocks and I have reason to believe that that part of him is very well endowed.

Would I be able to take his erection inside me, I wondered?

Through all this thinking about Draco's penis, my own penis had started to get hard in my hand. I felt it pulsing with arousal, it grew bigger and harder as I thought about having Draco connect with me in the most intimate way. "Hmm," I moaned, wrapping my fingers around my hardening shaft. I slowly moved my hand up and down, pausing briefly to rub the sensitive head. This was the first time I fantasized about another man without feeling guilty. I suppose that was an improvement. I had never really looked down at myself when I fantasized, I had rarely seen my penis erect actually. I believe it was once or twice when I was a teenager and still new to masturbation. So I turned on the little lamp that stood next to me on the nightstand and I looked down at myself. It looked kind of … strange … All bulgy and those little veins popped up from out of nowhere. The most strange thing I found was the head though; it looked like a red mushroom with a little slit in the middle. And being circumcised the entire thing was visible whether I was aroused or not. I also noticed that I had little hair surrounding my pelvis, my testicles looked smooth, but when I touched the soft skin, I felt small, soft hairs there. I suppose I am just not a hairy person.

I gently trailed my fingernails across my shaft and spread my legs more to make myself comfortable. I had the strong urge to touch myself _down there_, to touch that small intimate and vulnerable spot, but surely that was disgusting, knowing what went out of there. Perhaps I would touch it under the shower when I had cleaned it. Would that be expected of me when a man wanted to make love to me? Would he tell me to clean myself first? But still, I was very curious, so I let my fingers go down lower and then I felt it; that small puckered opening and much to my disgust there were hairs down there. I shuddered. That was one major turn-off and I felt no need to continue stroking myself, so I put my underwear and pajama bottoms back on. Did everyone have that, or was it just me? Should I get rid of the hairs before anyone noticed I had them? Surely others would be as disgusted as I currently felt.

I turned over on my side and went back to sleep.

The following morning, I rolled out of bed, not having forgotten about my early morning and shuddered again when I recalled what I had felt down there. _Hair. _Disgusting. Suddenly my head snapped up. I had woken up only in my pajama bottoms. That meant that Draco (assuming he was the one who undressed me) saw all the scars on my belly, including the very recent ones. Oh, my God. What was I supposed to do? What if he asked me about them? Or perhaps he undressed me without the light on then he could not have seen them. I felt more assured at that and pulled my nightshirt on. Hermione was already drinking coffee and eating breakfast when I joined her in the living area.

"Morning," she said and took a sip from her coffee.

"Morning," I replied and smiled gratefully at her at the sight of fresh black coffee waiting for me.

"Are you alright after last night? Draco brought you to your room after you fell asleep on the bathroom floor."

"I figured as much," I said, trying hard not to think of the possibility that he could have seen my scars. "Tell him I said thanks if you see him."

"You can tell him that yourself, he's coming over at twelve, during his lunch break, to 'check up on you'," Hermione said and finished her coffee. "I know you like him as more than a friend. I hope you won't use Seth to forget about Draco."

"I am not using Seth," I said. "I like him and I enjoyed our date together. Besides, I do not even know Draco very well, what makes you say that I like him as more than a friend? I am not sure we are even friends."

"Oh come on," Hermione said, giving me a look. "I see how you look at him."

"Which is how? Hermione, the fact that he is six feet and ten inches tall cause a lot of people to stare at him, including me. I admit he is very handsome, but that is all, really."

"If you say so," Hermione said, though she did not look convinced. "Are you free today?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Jimmy is at the bookstore right now." Jimmy was my one and only colleague at the store. We would take turns in doing shifts so that both of us got to work and do other stuff besides standing in a bookshop all day. "This means that I have an entire day off and I have no idea what to do already."

"Why don't you call Seth?"

"He is at work," I answered, not minding that Hermione sounded sarcastic when she suggested that. "He said he would call me last night. He departed kind of quickly after he shoved his tongue down my throat."

Hermione chuckled. "You're such a different person than you were when you came here. You were such a stiff a few weeks ago. Don't worry, this new you is a lot nicer and more like us Yankees."

"I am sure that I still have a lot to learn," I grinned and watched her put her mug on the kitchen counter near the sink.

"By the way, it's your turn to do the dishes today," Hermione said. "I'm off to work, trying hard to ignore Ron's advances and I will try not to piss off my boss today."

"Why do you not just tell this Ron guy to beat it?" I wondered.

"Honey, Ron is the jock type; he sees everything as a game to be won, a competition. If he does not get what he wants, he'll cry about it like the sore loser he is. Well, have a nice day off, now. Bye bye."

"Bye," I said and watched the pretty woman leave our apartment. As soon as she had closed the door behind her, I lifted up my nightshirt and looked down at the many lines that decorated my flat belly. The scars were hardly noticeable in the daylight, but the recent cuts that were still in the process of healing did stand out. It had become an addiction; I would feel the urge to hurt myself and I would cut myself. I would get an erection; I would beat off while thinking about getting … _fucked_ like an animal. It was only during those times that I would fantasize about getting fucked hard and rough. Anything to satisfy this need to get hurt, and that included hardcore sex.

After I would cut myself, I would thoroughly clean everything; the razor, my belly, the floor if necessary and I would throw the bloodied toilet paper into the toilet and flush it. I know that I would get found out if I used a towel, and that is the last thing I want. This is not about wanting to get attention (I know some do it to get people to feel sorry for them), this started because I loathed being different and I loathed the 'unnatural' feelings that I had. That was the first reason to start cutting myself, and I cut because it made me feel free. Later it became an addiction. I have started to cut my inner thighs, dangerously close to my penis, but that only added more heat and arousal to that thrill. I do not cut into my arms; those parts of my body are frequently naked.

Thinking about cutting, I felt the urge to do it. I finished my coffee, put the mug on the counter and went into the bathroom. I was all alone now, thank heaven, but I still locked the bathroom door. I took off all of my clothes and took the razor that I used specifically for cutting. I kneeled on the cold tiled floor and glanced down at the prominent lines of scars that were now better visible under the harsh, bright light in the bathroom. I trailed my fingers across those lines, across the old ones of years ago, and over the newest ones only a few days ago. My right inner thigh bore three cuts, and my left bore five. I spread my legs wide and softly trailed the sharp cutting edge of the razor across my entire inner thigh. And then I pressed the razor down, and _cut_. It is rather therapeutic. That first cut always got to me. Five minutes and ten cuts later, I had gotten hard. I do not know if it is the pain that does it, but I felt horny and aroused and I wanted to feel free. Thin lines of blood trickled down my legs, as I had assaulted both of them and then I gripped my throbbing erection in my bloodied hand. I thrust into my hand and then I reached behind me. I forced two bloodied fingers inside myself, something I had never done before, but it was the perfect thing to have done for I felt pain at that forceful intrusion. That was good. The hairs did not bother me at the moment, because I could not think straight. I supported myself on my left hand as I fell over on all fours, working my fingers deeper in. After a while, the pain lessened and my fingers slid inside more easily. My penis bounced up and down as I moved against my fingers, and with every bounce, a thin string of pre-ejaculation connected it with my belly. I cannot remember any sounds that I could have possibly made; I was so far gone that I would not even feel embarrassed if Draco would suddenly walk into the bathroom. I do remember that I sounded desperate to my own ears; desperate to be free, to feel the pain that would set me free.

And then I came. I looked down at my red and bulging penis as it spurted thick droplets of pearly white semen onto the bathroom floor. I took my fingers out of myself, noting they were almost devoid of any blood and milked my penis until every last bit of semen dripped out of the slit. The cuts still bled, my legs were covered in blood, I had just ejaculated and I was in _heaven_.

At some point after my killer orgasm, I had gotten off the cold floor and cleaned myself up. I had never had such a powerful orgasm before. Then I realized that Draco would be coming at twelve, so I quickly cleaned up, washed the blood from my legs and quickly got dressed. I cursed silently when I could not find a pair of jeans within my reach, and I was too anxious to search the room, so I quickly got dressed into shorts and a T-shirt. I brushed my teeth, glanced at my cell phone and read that it was a few minutes past twelve. I listened for any sounds but I did not hear anything besides my own irregular breathing. I was not down from my high yet as I entered the living room and found―much to my surprise and partial embarrassment―Draco sitting on the black sofa.

"That took you long enough," was the first thing he said. "I came in a few minutes ago, but you sounded like you were busy, so I left you alone. Listen, I want to talk to you."

My cheeks felt hot as I joined him on the fake leather couch. Could he have seen the scars after all? "Eh, what do you want to talk about?"

"First off, that meeting is on the fifth of June, so that's this Saturday. Seeing as how you reacted when I told you what 'the Cove' was about, perhaps you should sit out on watching the movie. Or, you could sit out on watching that scene. Sometimes people leave the room temporarily because they can't handle what they see on the TV screen, and it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, OK? You're not the only one who doesn't want to watch it. There are other activists who prefer not to watch those animals suffering, but they do watch it because it still happens to them, you know what I mean?"

"I am sure the visuals are worse," I murmured, feeling again queasy and sick to my stomach.

"They are," Draco nodded. "Now another thing I'd like to talk to you about is something I saw last night when I undressed you. How long have you been cutting yourself?"

I glanced at him, shocked and embarrassed at being found out by this one man that made my heart beat faster in my chest. "That is none of your business and none of your concern."

"How long?" he insisted.

"What do you care?" I snapped. "You are a friend of Hermione's, so why do you not concern yourself with her life? Why do you not keep that Ron at a safe distance? My life is none of your concern, Draco. We are not even friends. I know you think I am stupid with my little Bible and my going to the church on Sundays. Not everyone can be as good-looking as you are and have people fall at your feet whenever you wish them to. Some people actually have to wait for the right person to come along and I do not care if I have to wait my entire life for someone who will want me and who will not tease me endlessly."

"Wow," Draco said with raised eyebrows. "I don't have people falling at my feet."

"Right," I scoffed. Where had all that come from? I suppose I was frustrated about more than one thing that concerned Draco and his teasing. "I am surprised you have not yet turned into a snob with everyone commenting how gorgeous you are."

"Is it such a bad thing that I take pride in my looks?" Draco asked.

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest in a petulant way. "It does not matter. I want you to stop teasing me and stop making those inappropriate comments! It drives me nuts!"

"I'm only kidding," he said weakly.

"That is it exactly. You are only kidding, but that does not mean you can tell me how nice my butt looks and that you would like to fill it up!"

"You heard that?"

"Yes, I did! This apartment does not leave a lot of room for privacy, remember? God, I …" I groaned and looked down at my lap.

"Are you attracted to me?"

"What?" I squeaked.

"You heard me," he said. "Because if you are attracted to me, then yeah, I can understand why the teasing drives you nuts."

"I …"

"And what about Seth? Why do you go out with him if you're attracted to me? That isn't really fair to him, is it?"

"I go out with Seth because I like him," I said. "I enjoyed my date with him."

"Fine, whatever," Draco said and crossed his muscular arms over his broad chest. "Are you OK after last night? Did you have any nightmares?"

"No, thankfully I did not," I answered. "I felt so drained that I slept on until three o'clock in the morning. Thankfully I managed to keep my mind off of it."

"Good," Draco nodded. "Well, that's actually the only reason why I came here, so I'll be going back to work. See you later." The tall blond man got off the black sofa and went for the door. I watched him leave, cursing myself viciously at being found out about not only my cutting addiction but also about my small crush. I really did like Seth; he is good-looking, charming and very romantic and the date had been very nice. It was thoughtful of him that he had chosen a restaurant that was gay-friendly. To 'put me at ease', he had said. That is sweet, is it not? I am not using Seth to forget about Draco, because I will never forget that man because I see him quite frequently. I only mean to say that what I feel for Draco is shallow, and I will not let those feelings root themselves deeper in me, because that will only cause heartache. Someone like Draco will choose to date someone of his caliber, and I was not someone of his caliber. Perhaps Seth was not either, but he seemed interested in me, so why not? Draco had never shown an interest in me besides wanting to be my friend, and I am not even sure if he wants to be friends with me.

It also seemed like I was as transparent as glass; Hermione knew and now the man in question knew too. I hoped that Seth would not find out, for he might draw the wrong conclusions. And that is the last thing I want, so I hope Draco and Hermione will not blab away about me. They both seem like people who know a lot of people, and through gossiping Seth might hear of it. I would not tell Seth though; it did not seem necessary to me to tell Seth about my shallow crush since we only had one date yet and were not officially a couple or whatever Seth wanted us to be.

My day off proved to be boring the minute I got out of bed, well if you do not count my orgasm as eventful. I still blushed to the roots of my hair at the fact that Draco had heard me and obviously knew what I was doing. I had never been caught jerking off before, let alone by someone who made my heart beat just a little bit faster. Heck, I had never even been caught by my parents before! This trip to New York sure revealed a different side of me I did not know I had; I have become more outgoing and easy-going. I used to be as stiff as a board, but that has slowly been changing. I have also adjusted my wardrobe and I even got a compliment from Hermione once. That was nice, to be complimented about my appearance, since no one back in Virginia really did that. Thinking back, I realize what a bunch of prudes my old acquaintances and friends were, and what a prude I was. I am still a bit prudish, but not as much as in the beginning when I just arrived here. My parents would curse me to hell and back if they could see me now; however I am not planning on returning any time soon. I am having actual fun here; my friends are funny, and we do things friends do like watching a movie or playing a game. I did not do that a lot with my old friends. We would play perhaps a card game and then someone's parent would break it up because apparently we had been watching those gambling games and had brainwashed us. Yes, it was pretty bad back in Virginia. Everything that was a little bit out of the norm was considered brainwashing material. Absurd, is it not?

Though sooner or later I have to tell my parents that their son decides to be himself and wants to stay in New York; where he can be free.


	8. 6 Part VI

Part VI

As I had already figured, my day off proved to be most boring. That is, until I got a text message from Seth. He asked me if we could meet up at a small bistro for a drink, 'to make up for that one time when he had to cancel', he said. Of course I accepted and told him I would love to go for a drink at _the Champions_. I had seen the bistro from outside a few times, but I had not yet entered it. The name was a little bit strange to me, but then again, many things in Manhattan were strange to me, and I especially had to get used to the same sex couples that could be seen holding hands on the sidewalk. Hermione told me that Chelsea had one of the largest gay communities, and in the beginning I was afraid that I would suddenly get attacked and raped, but now it sounds silly to my own ears to think that someone like me would do that. After all, that is not what we are about. Hermione told me that her female friends often sleep around, far more often than the gay guys she knows do. And she knows a lot of gay guys, she has said. I used to believe that gay guys could not keep their pants on, and that they were the cause of HIV and everything, but I read somewhere that the women are the largest group who are HIV positive, and not gay men. Like Draco once said to me: "We do it safe."

I was dreading the activist meeting on Saturday. It was only two days away now, I had no idea what to expect, but I really did not want to watch that movie. I would probably get sick again. Seth will be there too, he said. I am thankful that I will not have to be alone with Draco. My crush on him has not yet diminished one bit. We see each other less frequently, and I see Seth more often now. Seth told me that both of his parents were Chinese immigrants back in the mid eighties and that he speaks Chinese with them at home and that they still hang on to their Chinese customs.

"The food makes it tricky," Seth had said. "The Chinese basically eat everything that walks and crawls, but my parents accept the fact that I refuse to eat meat, and they even eat meat replacers. They said it didn't taste as horrific as they thought it would. I have basically converted them since we eat more vegetarian stuff together than meat."

Seth wants me to meet his parents sometime. They own a Chinese restaurant according to Seth, but I am afraid of what his parents will think of me. These people value their own customs and I know not the slightest bit of Chinese. How am I supposed to converse with them, since Seth said that their English is rather poor? They are very traditional people, Seth said. Somehow the word 'traditional' equals 'stern' and 'disapproving' in my mind.

_The Champions _was a small place down the street, cramped in between clothing stores and it looked very colorful. I spotted a few gay pride flags on my way in. Unbelievable, everywhere I go I can see a gay pride flag while in my town there would not be one at all; there would probably not be one in the entire state of Virginia. I felt giddy at the freedom I had in Manhattan. I met up with Seth, who sat near the window at a table for two. He stood up from his chair and pecked me on the lips in greeting.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hi," I answered. I was a little hesitant to show any kind of affection in public, but I knew that I did not have to be afraid of any people who disapproved with my choice of partner. I sat down opposite of him. "Do you not have to work today?"

"Naw, I took a day off," Seth shrugged. "My parents could miss me for one day at the restaurant. Besides, I wanted to see you again. I hope I didn't scare you off with that second kiss? I left so hastily because I thought I had gone too far with you and I thought that perhaps you didn't appreciate it, so I'm sorry. It's kind of difficult for me to estimate what is and what isn't too much for you to handle right now."

"If something is too much for me to handle, I will let you know," I said reassuringly. "I thought in turn that you left so quickly after such a kiss was because you thought I was lousy at it. I have to tell you that all this is new to me, if you get my drift. I was not allowed to touch girls―not that I wanted to, mind you―in any sexual way, because my parents told me that in order to be with a girl, I had to marry her first or whatever. And I never felt comfortable with myself to do things, you know? So … I am practically inexperienced in everything," I admitted and stared at the wooden table in front of me.

"That doesn't matter to me," Seth said softly. "I'm not trying to get in your pants, Harry. I'm trying to get to know you better because you interest me and I think you're very cute. I don't care that you're not experienced what relationships are concerned. It's understandable that you wouldn't want any sexual contact because you don't feel good in your own skin. And I think you shouldn't do things you're not comfortable with doing either. I don't want to force you into anything, OK?"

I nodded and smiled gratefully. I was thankful that he did not expect anything from me. A waiter approached us, wearing a bright smile on his face.

"Hello there, gents," he said.

I could tell that this man was gay; there was something about him, perhaps it was his cheerfulness that betrayed him, that gave him sexuality away. He had blond hair with pink high lights in it (perhaps that was it) and wore a white shirt and a black apron around his waist. He was actually quite adorable. Seth ordered an Ice Tea for me, while I got handed a menu card from the adorable waiter. The young man skipped off to the counter to get our drinks.

"That's Kevin Laytner," Seth said quietly over the table. "His mother always walks the gay pride with him and his dad takes the pictures. He has a sister, who is seen riding behind the lesbians on motor cycles, she's probably the only heterosexual woman who rides with the 'dykes' as they're called. Then he also has a heterosexual brother who prefers to watch from the sidelines than participating in the march, so he's always standing near his father. There are families out there who do accept you for who you are, and some are more fortunate than others. My parents for example do accept my sexuality, but they don't want to see me hug another man or God forbid, kissing another man. They're very traditional and don't really appreciate a lot of physical contact, you know? Most Asians don't really like that because their culture is much different from western cultures. Anyway, the last guy I dated, Lenny Collins―he was twenty and I was twenty-one―he had to endure an hour and a half of interrogation by my father, who shouted his questions in Chinese. Lenny―who doesn't speak Chinese―was so afraid that he ran away and never came back. My father didn't like him, he told me afterwards. My dad said that that guy wasn't good enough for me, so that was the end of that."

I am sure Seth must have seen how horrified I looked. "And you want me to meet your parents?" I squeaked.

"Not yet," Seth said and took my hand in his as a comforting gesture, but I felt far from comforted. I stared at my menu card just as the waiter brought our drinks. I heard this Kevin say something to Seth, but I felt pretty distraught. What if his father interrogated me in Chinese? I know not a word of Chinese, which is probably stupid if I were to date Seth since his parents' English is poor, he said. Perhaps I should take a class in Chinese so I would be able to understand Seth's parents. It would be a surprise, I decided.

I had a good time with him at _the Champion_. The food was really good, and I let Seth talk me into trying one of their vegetarian dishes. It was so incredibly good that I might become a vegetarian myself. But I could probably not lay off a piece of meat for a week. Seth said that I could do anything if I really wanted to, which made me think of the Chinese classes that I wanted to take. I took a stroll around Chelsea and asked a few folks where I would be able to get a crash course in languages. This girl with hot pink hair and tattoos on her arms told me that there was an evening class that I could take, which would be perfect since it did not interfere with my job. The girl told me where to go and sign up for evening classes, which I did immediately. My first class was on Monday―which was four days from now, starting at seven. I had to fill out a questionnaire, mostly about myself and what language I wanted to sign up for. Thankfully Chinese was available.

The activist meeting on Saturday also sprang on my mind―I really, really did not want to see that movie, but I am still going since I sort of promised Seth that I would be there, though I am not looking forward to it. Blood always makes me squeamish, except for seeing my own blood. I am afraid that Draco will say something to either Hermione or Seth about my cutting addiction, and perhaps I should talk to him about it, and I do not care if I have to go on my knees to make him swear that he will not tell anyone. Then that fear crawled to the front of my mind. What if Draco told me that he wanted a sexual favor from me in return for keeping his mouth shut? Would he really demand such things? I did not know what his views on doing sexual things with strangers was; I knew that Seth did not sleep around, only made out with whomever (something I did not particularly like), but what about Draco? Would he demand a sexual favor from me if I asked him to keep quiet about his revelations?

Back on my way to the apartment, I sent a text message to Hermione's cell phone with the question where Draco lived. She sent that he lived in room four hundred and twenty down the hall. I had no idea that Draco lived in the same apartment building as I, let alone on the same floor. I walked down the hall and stopped in front of door number four hundred and twenty. I knocked lightly, and wondered if he was home at all, but then a young woman opened the door.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

This girl had long red hair and a few freckles across her face. She was rather pretty. "Er, is Draco there?" I asked.

The girl frowned and looked over her shoulder. "Dray, there's someone for you at the door! Come over here you lazy fuck!"

"Fuck you!" was the reply.

"He's cranky," the girl explained and left for her bedroom to leave us alone, although she could probably hear everything.

I waited nervously in the doorway, and my heart sped up when I heard stomping feet getting closer to the door. The door got opened entirely and there stood Draco―wearing no shirt and just a pair of dark jeans. He did not wear any shoes or socks either, but damn, that man had a drool-worthy body; his arms were muscular and well defined, his abdomen was packed with muscles and his pecks were to die for. I had a hard time not staring at the man's half naked body.

"Is there something you wanted?" he asked a little irritably.

"Er … I wanted to talk to you," I said, feeling my entire body freeze from the nerves I felt. He was even more intimidating when he was cranky; he looked very angry in fact and I was still a little afraid of him. I had my eyes lowered with the silly thought of hoping that he would be less angry. "Can I come inside, please?"

"Fine," he said and let me in the apartment. It was basically the same as my own apartment, except for a few added paintings that hung on the wall and I spotted several plants in the corner. He dropped down on the couch and stared expectantly at me. "Well, sit down and tell me what you wanted to talk to me about."

I sighed and sat down next to him. "Er … it is about … you know … _cutting_. I would appreciate it if you told no one what you found out that day. That includes that other thing."

"What other thing?" Draco asked. Perhaps he just wanted to hear me say that yes, I did find him attractive and liked him a lot.

"About … You said that I was attracted to you, and you are right, I am. I want you to keep that information to yourself. There is no need for anyone to know that."

"Perhaps Seth should know," Draco said.

"No, he should not," I said through clenched teeth. "A crush is something shallow and it will disappear."

"And you're waiting until it disappears?"

"Yes, I am," I nodded and got off the couch. "I am not desperate and I am not pining over you," I said with as much confidence as I could muster. "All I ask is that you keep it quiet. It is no one's business but mine."

"Alright, fine," Draco shrugged. "You really should seek help for the cutting, especially if you get off on it."

I felt the blood flow away from my face. Did he know that too? And I thought I had been so careful! I had been doing this for years and I was not found out once, but now that I have moved to Manhattan, one person already knows my deepest darkest secret. "How long have you known that?" I asked, and looked at him with wide eyes.

"I suspected that you presented yourself happier to us than you were, and I knew for sure when you had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I saw the cuts on your inner thighs too. And when I came to check on you at twelve the next day, I heard moaning and gasping in what I thought was obvious passion. I saw the light strip under the bathroom door so I figured you were busy with yourself, and I decided to wait. You just hadn't cleaned yourself up too well. I noticed some blood stains on your shirt and your legs were still a little bit red with blood. So I made the conclusion that you get hard on cutting yourself."

I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lower lip. "I have never been found out and you are the first person who has. Why?"

"People act clumsy in front of the ones they like," Draco shrugged. "What are you going to tell Seth when he sees those scars?"

"I will tell Seth the truth. That I cut myself because I was different, that I was looked down on by people around town who had this funny feeling that I was not your average teenage boy. I expressed no interest in girls in a romantic way, for one. My male friends all thought I got closer to the girls to get in their panties, but that was not at all the truth. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible to try and find out whether or not God really thought that my feelings were an abomination and unnatural. I could find no such thing in the Bible, but back then I listened to my parents a lot. They said that God hates my kind and that homosexual men are all perverts and that I would die of aids at an early age if I allowed the Devil to take my body over in his possession. That is what they told me, and me being the boy of thirteen who always obeyed his parents, believed that. Every time I felt attracted to another boy, I would cut myself until the blood flowed down my legs, to try to get the Devil out of my body. I still thought that way when I first came to live here. I was so afraid of myself, of my feelings. I came here to try and understand why God would condemn me like this. Why he would let the Devil put these unnatural feelings inside my body. Now I think differently. I just cannot stop cutting myself, no matter what. I would feel this sudden tightness and I would suffocate and it would feel like there are millions of bugs crawling underneath my skin, trying to move and to get out. I cut because I feel suffocated in my own skin."

Draco said nothing for a couple of minutes. I stared off into the white wall after just revealing another bit of my self-loathing. Frankly, I had started to care less and less whether or not Draco would blab away. I headed for the door after a few seconds of examining the wooden floor. Draco let me leave without another word. At least he did not demand I do him a sexual favor. I do not know why I would think that he expected that of me. I suppose it is that idea talking that my father always used to tell me. Just now I realize how much my parents beliefs and ideas influenced me in my daily life. I could not even go through one single day without wondering whether or not I would suddenly be pulled into an alley and be groped or raped.

My parents have not sought contact with me, and I am not sure why I am expecting them to. You would think that a parent would ask after their child's wellbeing, but apparently my parents were too busy praying for my soul. I am tempted to call my mom and tell her that I am alright and doing just fine; that I had met interesting people and that church was nice and not as suffocating as going to church used to be. But I did not call her. I was afraid that she would demand answers to her questions about my 'illness' and then what should I tell her? Should I lie to her? Should I tell her the truth? If it was one good thing that my parents taught me, it was that I should not lie, not even to save my own skin. I did not doubt what the reaction of my father would be; he would come to Manhattan to hit me, I am certain of that.

The short walk back to my apartment was … short. Hermione was still at work, and Seth was probably busy with something else. He had not told me what he would be doing the rest of the afternoon, not that it really was any of my business. Perhaps he went to visit friends; perhaps he went into a bar and made out with a random guy like he told me he does not mind doing. I am not sure how to feel about that. We are not in a relationship, so I have no right to feel jealous, but still … If he wants to make out with someone random, then I have no right telling him to stop that. Perhaps he finds someone he likes better, someone who his parents will approve of. I just have this notion that his dad will like me even less than this Lenny guy he had scared away. And it is stupid to go out with a Chinese man without knowing anything of the Chinese culture and their customs. Tomorrow (Friday) I think I am going to browse for a book on China and buy it. I think that I should prepare myself for a meeting with his parents, however far that may be away, it cannot hurt to do a little research.

Hermione just sent me a text message saying that she and Draco are going out for dinner and asks me if I would like to come too. I sent her that 'no thank you, I am going to eat at the apartment'. She did not send a reply back. This asking me to come with is just out of politeness; they probably do not want me there in the first place. I could imagine why Draco would not like it if I suddenly came along; Hermione is his friend, if not his best friend, and I would only be in the way as the third wheel. Sometimes that man looks at me as if he would like to burn me and throw my body into the pits of hell. A gnawing feeling suddenly came at my belly; would he try to hurt me? I may sound a little hysterical and delusional, but you have not seen that man. He is intimidating, he has this dangerous air about him, and I do not like to be intimidated. The crime ratings in New York are probably a lot higher than anywhere else in the country and surely a twenty year old from Virginia would not be missed. My parents would probably say that it was the Devil's work and Hermione would probably put out a new advert for a new roommate. I am not sure why she tries to be nice, really. It is clear that I am not her type of person she likes to hang out with. She never asks me to hang out somewhere if Draco is not there with her.

I decided to eat Chinese take-out. Fortunately I remembered where that Chinese restaurant was where I had eaten before (the food was very, very good). I took my coat and went out. It was only about a quarter to six, so I took my time in walking to the restaurant. Back home in Virginia we would sometimes eat as late as seven o'clock. That was not very frequent though. I walked down the street with my hands in the pockets of my coat. On my way, I passed the bookstore and waved at Jimmy, who was helping an older woman. He looked bored out of his mind, but waved back at me nonetheless. Jimmy does not like me either. I see how he looks at me sometimes; as if I am an alien from outer space who has some strange illness. Perhaps Jimmy does not like gay people? I have never asked, actually. How could he tell that I am gay though? Oh yes, I forgot; I am as transparent as glass.

After a few minutes, I saw the restaurant in all its traditional Chinese glory. I opened the door that said 'take-out' and walked up to the counter, nodding at a woman and her kid who were sitting on one of the couches. The woman smiled at me as she held onto her son to make sure he did not run away. The same older woman stood in front of the counter that I had seen the last time I was here. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

"How may I help you?" she asked. I was grateful that I could at least understand her.

"Er … I would like deep fried mantou, and some noodles, please," I said politely.

"OK, very good," she said and hit a few buttons. I could see that the card with the dishes in front of her was translated into Chinese. It looked difficult to say the least. Suddenly a young Chinese man walked over wearing traditional Chinese clothes. I could not believe my eyes; it was Seth, looking incredibly frustrated.

"**That stupid pig is here again,**" he said.

"**Son, just put up with it, will you? Stay polite for mercy's sake! You cannot expect every American to be friendly you know,**" the older woman scolded back. It sounded like strange babbling to me. "**Now go away with your negative attitude, I am helping a cute young man. Perhaps he is something for you?**"

Just then Seth noticed me. "Hey, Harry," he smiled. "Mom, this is Harry Potter, Harry this is my mom. I was just telling my mother that there's yet again the same stupid pig of last week here, and she's already complaining."

"Hi, nice to meet you madam," I said with a somewhat strained smile. She bowed at me and I hesitantly bowed back.

"Nice to meet you too," she said and turned to her son. "**Are you courting him?**" she asked, putting her hand at her waist.

"**Mother, we have only gone out like two times,**" Seth sighed. "**I told him of dad's infamous interrogations. I think I scared him off.**"

Suddenly the older woman slapped Seth across the arm and pointed her finger at him. "**You better not scare him off! It is time you settle down with a nice boyfriend. I will make sure that your father will not try anything to this boy.**"

"**Thanks, mom,**" Seth smiled. "Well, I must get back to the pig. I'll call you, OK?" he said to me.

"OK," I nodded and watched him leave again. I am sure his mother knew that her son was interested in me because she looked strangely at me. She had disapproved already. She probably told Seth to stop seeing me because I was not good enough. Numbly I paid for the food and waited on one of the couches. I was already written off, and not even by Seth's father, who I really dreaded to meet. Seth's mother looked angry and even slapped Seth after he introduced me. But Seth had smiled at his mother, which confused me. Perhaps he told her that he did not like me at all and planned to drop me before I could even blink. I wish I spoke Chinese so I would be able to understand them. I was probably just another stupid American that was too stupid and too American for her Chinese son. It seemed that I was not liked by anybody here in Manhattan while I loved my life here. After some ten minutes, the older woman called out my order and I went to pick it up. She smiled politely at me, and I tried to do the same but failed miserably I think. I left feeling incredibly dejected and did not notice an older man joining the woman as she pointed at me.

Thankfully I had to get to work again on Friday. Sometimes days off are nice, but not when you are on your own and do not know what to do. I was glad to go back to the bookstore and read something about China. The country was incredibly big I saw when I opened one of the books we had on China. There was currently no customer and I had taken a book to read. I thought about buying this, and scanned the article. I went to the back of the storage cupboard to get my wallet and used my credit card to pay for it. It was a bit expensive, but then again, it had about five hundred something pages in it. I skipped the foreword and started reading the first chapter; 'the history of China'. I was so immersed in the book that I actually jumped when someone touched my shoulder. It was Seth. That dejected feeling came back as I looked up at him. My chest tightened painfully.

"Hey, what are you reading there?" he asked, cocking his head to read the title of the chapter.

"Nothing," I said, ear-marked the page and closed the book without giving him a chance to look at the cover, which had in large letters 'China' on it. It would be embarrassing if he found out that I tried to learn Chinese and tried to learn about their customs. He would probably laugh at me if I told him. He would probably think me too stupid or too dumb to learn a difficult language such as Chinese. I admit I am not very smart or anything, but I am a quick learner when I am motivated enough. Seth would probably laugh even harder if I told him that.

Seth raised his eyebrows but let it go. "Remember that pig I mentioned yesterday at the restaurant? She complained that her Chinese tomato soup was cold before I even served it. That woman always gets on my nerves like crazy. Then she complained about getting the wrong glass of wine. She had ordered Chinese white wine, which I served her, but then she said that she had ordered red wine. What the fuck? Next time I'll let someone else serve her."

"That does sound frustrating," I said. "So what are you doing here?" I decided to play it cool and pretend that I had not found out that his mother disapproved of me.

"Oh, I wondered if you wanted to come to Draco's birthday party tomorrow night with me. He's turning twenty-seven and I thought it might be fun to hire a male stripper to give him a nice show. I already discussed the idea with Hermione, and she thought it was a great idea. What do you think?"

"Er … Well … I-I had no idea that tomorrow was his birthday," I muttered. "I think it might be better if you go without me. Draco does not really like me and I would hate to ruin his birthday party. A male stripper sounds nice," I added. "I am sure he will like it."

"But … I thought it would be nice to go together," Seth frowned.

"It would be nice if I was invited, which I am not," I said. "No one told me of it, so I do not think that Draco would want me there. Hey, about that meeting tomorrow … do I really have to watch that movie? I am sure I will get nightmares if I watch it."

"You don't have to watch it, if you don't want to," Seth shrugged, thankfully not questioning my sudden change of subject. "I've never seen it either, but I don't think it will be pretty. Would you like to go out for a drink tonight?"

"Sure," I nodded. The bell above the door jingled and in walked a few Goth kids with their faces decorated with piercings, their hair was dyed black and they all wore black clothes. I wondered what they were doing in a bookstore. "I hope they won't try to rob me or anything," I murmured, watching the kids take out a few books from the shelves.

"Don't judge a book by its cover, Harry," Seth winked. "Anyway, I'll come pick you up at six, OK?" He leaned into me and kissed me briefly on my lips. I sighed and watched him leave the store. Why did he keep this up? If he was not interested anymore, he should just tell me so and not keep on kissing me. I frowned at the door and snapped my eyes onto a few pierced faces that were turned to me. Screw them if they were gay-haters. I took out my book again and opened it where I started to read once more. I kept an eye on the kids to make sure they did not stuff a book into their pockets and when they left, I fully turned my attention on the book.

I put the book into a bag of the bookstore and took it with me when Seth came to pick me up. He did not ask me what was in the bag, so I had no reason to tell him what was in it. He took me to the same bistro where we had had lunch before and we sat near the window again. Apparently Seth liked to sit near the window too. I ordered an Ice Tea―I love Ice Tea with ice cubes―while Seth ordered a coke.

"I had no idea that you worked at that restaurant," I said. "Your mother's English is pretty good though. It is understandable."

"Yeah, she's pretty understandable when she speaks English. My dad hardly speaks a word of English and it sounds funny when he attempts to speak it," Seth said with a chuckle. "My sister however, she speaks English fluently even after she returned to China when she was about twenty. She met her husband in Beijing, where she still lives. My parents left Beijing in the eighties when I was about one year old and my sister was about ten, I believe. I grew up in Manhattan and my parents usually call me Seth instead of 'Chen' which is my actual name, but my parents decided to give me an English name too. My sister's English name is Selina and her Chinese name is 'Chun'. Only her husband calls her Chun though."

"So does your birth certificate say Chen or Seth?"

"It says Chen Long," Seth said. "My ID also says Chen Long, but everyone knows me as Seth."

"That is cool," I said. "And you speak two languages fluidly."

"I do," Seth nodded. "My parents taught me Chinese and at school I was taught English. I used to accidentally speak Chinese at school until I got a bit older and was able to separate the two languages. I speak Chinese at home and English in public. I grew up speaking both languages so I got used to it. Do you speak another language?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I would like to learn another language though. I think it will be difficult."

Seth shrugged. "You won't know unless you try."

"True," I nodded. "Do you randomly make fun of a person in Chinese without them being able to understand you?"

"I used to do that a lot when I was a kid," Seth chuckled. "Sometimes I grumble to myself in Chinese when I have a difficult customer, but that is all really. I once had an American customer who ordered his food in Chinese. I was impressed to say the least. His pronunciation was almost perfect."

"Chinese seems very difficult to learn to me," I said. This time a different waiter gave us our drinks. "Why did you want to go out for a drink, if you do not mind me asking?"

"Oh, I just wanted to spend some time with you. My mom told me that you left the restaurant with a kind of dejected air about you and she said you looked at the floor a lot. Did she say something to you that made you feel uncomfortable?"

"Well, she looked angry after introduced me …" I mumbled. "And she slapped you and … I guess nobody really likes me here."

"What are you talking about, Harry?" Seth asked. He took my hand over the table and squeezed it gently. "My mother asked me if I was courting you and I told her that we had only been on two dates yet and that I possibly scared you off when I told you about my father's interrogations. Then she slapped me and told me that I had better not have scared you off. She told me that it was time for me to settle down with a nice boyfriend and she would make sure that my dad didn't try anything to you. That's what she said. She thinks you're cute."

"Really?" I said doubtfully.

"Really," Seth said reassuringly and raised my hand to his lips. He kissed the back of my hand softly and smiled at me. "The fact that she thinks that you're cute says a lot. My mom usually has a negative attitude towards Americans because they're rude according to her, but she said that you were cute. That's a good thing."

I let out a laugh, though I still had some doubt. I did not think that I was cute and Seth was the only man who had told me so. But still, I did not think that he would lie to me about something like that. Seth did not seem to be that kind of person. We talked a bit about the church and about random things and eventually I told him that I was reading a book about China and wanted to learn the language. Seth looked flattered and made this cooing 'aw' sound and called me baby. It made me blush.

"I could teach you Chinese for free if you want," Seth offered. "Or perhaps you could repay me in a special way," he winked and waggled his eyebrows up and down. Then he chuckled and waved his comment away. "I'm just kidding. Classes can get pretty expensive and Chinese is not an easy language to learn. I'm willing to teach you everything you need to know to get through a conversation, if you want to, that is."

"You really want to do that for me?" I asked. "I … If you do not think it is too much trouble …"

"Of course not," Seth said. "That way we can spend more time together," he smiled. "I too live in the same apartment building as you do, just a floor lower. My room number is three hundred and fifteen. If you stop by at twelve thirty, then we can go to the activist meeting together, which is usually about an hour to an hour and a half and after that we could go back to my place and I could start teaching you. My roommate is on holiday with her boyfriend for the next two weeks, so I have the entire apartment to myself," he said and looked very happy and pleased with that.

"OK," I nodded. "I should cancel my classes then. Can I still do that today?"

"Of course," Seth said. "You could say that something came up and you are too busy to take classes. It's perhaps a more polite way to blow them off without seeming rude."

"Yeah, that is probably a good idea. I will do it right away after our drink." I raised my glass that had already been served to my lips and took a sip of the cool liquid.

"Would you like me to come with you?"

"You can come if you want to," I said and blushed a bit when I realized that that sentence could have a whole different meaning. Seth laughed when he saw that I realized what I had just said.

"I think it's a bit too early for that," he winked. "But it's nice to know that I have your permission to come."

I blushed harder and promptly drunk my Ice Tea until the glass was empty. I ordered a new drink while Seth was taking it slow with his coke. I found that it was very possible to get stronger feelings for Seth. I liked him a lot, he was fun to hang out with, and he was handsome―actually he was quite sexy― and very romantic. I never thought about being with someone who was not American before, but it does not matter to me what nationality my partner is. What matters is the inside and not the outside.


	9. 7 Part VII

Part VII

I canceled my classes that very same day. 'Something came up', I had said apologetically and explained some situation that I made up as I told it. I did not know that I was able to lie that well. Seth walked me back to my apartment and I invited him inside, hoping that either Hermione was there alone and not with Draco. Thankfully no one was home, which again made me feel kind of alone, but I did not mind since I had brought Seth up. I poured him a drink like the good host I was and we chatted briefly about something as unimportant as the weather, I believe. Then he suggested starting my lessons in Chinese since he had nothing else to do and he wanted to spend some more time with me, he said. We sat down on the floor behind the couch where we had more space and Seth asked me if I had some paper and a pen. Of course I did, I replied and hurried into my bedroom. I was very excited for this and I trusted Seth to teach me the correct things and not some _bullshit_.

I returned to the living area and handed Seth a few sheets of blank paper and a pen. I sat down opposite him and waited excitedly for my very first lesson.

"OK, first I am going to teach you the basic stuff," he said. "We'll start with introducing ourselves, OK?"

I nodded as he uttered the first few strange words. The evening went on with me trying to mimic those words and those sounds. It was very strange, but Seth said that I could pronounce it correctly once I knew the words. Eventually Hermione came home alone and raised her eyebrows when she spotted us sitting behind the couch. She did not question us and went over to the counter of the kitchen to grab a drink I think, for I only had eyes for Seth. Seth pronounced the words slowly and carefully and told me what to do to make it easier for myself.

"The real problem comes with writing Chinese," he had said. He scribbled something on a blank sheet of paper and showed it to me. "This says that my name is Seth."

My eyes widened at the strange characters I saw. It really was difficult! "I do not think I could write like that."

"Nonsense," Seth smiled. "I'll teach you that later. First, introduce yourself to me, please. Oh, and when you introduce yourself, you bow lightly to the person you're introducing yourself to with your hands at your sides, the women keep their hands in front of them when bowing. The deeper the bow, the more respect you show."

"Should I bow deeply to your parents?" I asked.

"They would appreciate that," Seth nodded. "My mother will most likely be flattered and my father would be temporarily impressed, especially if you got the pronunciation right. OK, let's try again, shall we?"

We practiced for a few hours more until Seth finally noticed the time (it was about ten o'clock) and said that he was going to head a floor lower to his apartment. He reminded me to pick him up at twelve thirty at room number three hundred and fifteen then he kissed me goodbye at the door. I sighed and shut it behind him and turned to Hermione, who did not bother to hide the fact that she did not mind watching two men kiss. I rolled my eyes slightly and sat down on the black sofa. "How was your night out?"

"Oh, it was fine," Hermione said and sat down next to me. "Why do you never come along?"

"I do not wish to impose on the two of you, besides; I am busy learning Chinese nowadays. Seth wants me to meet his parents, so I am going to prepare myself for that moment," I replied. "He is really quite a remarkable man."

Hermione nodded. "That he is," she said. "It's Draco's birthday tomorrow."

"Yes, I heard. I think a male stripper would be something he would remember for a long time." I chuckled and crossed my arms over my chest. "Well, I am going to bed and prepare myself mentally for the movie I am to watch tomorrow at the activist meeting." I got up from the couch and made for the bathroom.

"OK, goodnight," Hermione said behind me.

"Goodnight," I said and went into my bedroom. For some kind of reason I felt a bit happy. I have never felt this good before. Perhaps I was finally getting over Draco and I think Seth and I could very well end up being a couple. Seth is patient and does not expect things from me. We have only kissed a few times and made out only once. It was thoughtful of him that he went this slow so I would not feel uncomfortable. Seth is a very sweet man and very understanding. For the first time in many months, I did not feel like harming myself and I believe that is because of Seth.

The following morning was the day of the activist meeting. I was nervous and I was worried that I would have the same reaction to the movie as I had when Draco told me about it. If that would happen, then I hoped that it would be Seth that helped me, and not Draco. That would not help me one bit. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, attempted to do my hair and decided that I would have a light lunch before picking Seth up and going to the meeting. It did not bother me that Draco was having lunch with Hermione at our apartment. I nodded at the both of them, muttered a happy birthday to Draco and made myself something easy. I did not feel like eating lunch at the moment, but I had to eat something and hoped I would not lose my meager lunch.

"How are things between you and Seth?" Draco asked.

"Just fine," I answered with a glance over my shoulder. "He is teaching me Chinese. That is sweet of him actually. I had planned to take classes, but he offered to teach me instead, so I canceled my evening classes. At what time are you going to the meeting?"

"In a few," Draco said. "After I've finished my coffee, then I'll be going. Do you know where the building is?"

"No," I said and shook my head. "But Seth does. I am picking him up at twelve thirty, which is in about ten minutes, so I am going to stuff this in my mouth and then I will be off." I finished making two sandwiches and took a bite. "Though I am not feeling up for any kind of food today, knowing what I am going to watch. Still … going there with an empty stomach does not really sound all that appealing to me either."

"I'll walk with you," Draco decided and downed the remains of his coffee. He put the mug on the counter and stood next to me with his arms crossed over his chest. I waved goodbye at Hermione and went for the door with my sandwiches in my hand. I was just finishing my second and last sandwich as I knocked lightly on the door of number three hundred and fifteen. Seth immediately answered and glanced at my half eaten sandwich in amusement.

"A kiss can wait," he said and came out into the hallway and locked his apartment door.

I nodded and stuffed the rest of the sandwich into my mouth. I noticed that things were a little bit tense between Draco and Seth, for reasons that were unknown to me. Did Seth still feel attracted to Draco? Draco thought so, but then again, perhaps Seth was not anymore, or never had been and Draco read his signals wrong. I shrugged to myself and followed the two men down the hallway. They were real men, I realized and I was just a boy who got to see the outside world for the first time. Draco had to duck his head when we went through the doorway at the end of the hall and down the stairs. It was kind of funny to see such a tall man trying to get through the doorway without hitting his head. When we were out of the building, Seth took my hand and laced our fingers together. He did not kiss me in front of Draco though, but that was alright. I would probably feel uncomfortable anyway. I dreaded the meeting a lot and I had no idea what to expect from it. I imagined the activists themselves with shirts on that said 'Stop Animal Abuse Now!' or some slogan like that. I imagined them to be fierce in their cause and do anything to stop an animal from suffering.

When I entered the room where the meeting was to be held, I saw that everyone looked like your average man or woman. They did not wear funny hats or weird shirts with even weirder texts on them. Seth took me to a table where a couple of young women sat. They looked like they also were in their twenties and the women all greeted Seth and Draco politely. Seth introduced me to the group―as his boyfriend. I was surprised at that, but I did not correct him even though I should have since we were not a couple officially. The women waved at me while I am sure that I was blushing. Draco sent me a questioning look, but I decided to ignore him. The blond man sat down opposite from Seth at the table and the chatter diminished when a figure stepped up on some kind of stage with a microphone in hand.

"Welcome to this meeting everyone," the woman said. "I have seen a few new faces here, and you're all welcome. As most of you know, our organization stops animal abuse in this country and in other countries. Sometimes we get animals into our custody because somebody can't take care of them anymore, sometimes they do it willingly, and other times we have to press the importance of the animal's health upon those people who neglect their animals. We sent out professionals to countries to retrieve animals that are mistreated, such as dancing bears or donkeys that collapse every ten seconds because of the huge amount of bricks that people strap onto them. They will recuperate in our shelter and we are going to try our hardest to find a new home for them. There are animals that will be harder to place in new homes because they could have been fighting dogs, which means they are too aggressive to place in a home with children. We are not going to euthanize those animals that are too aggressive because we wouldn't do that to an aggressive human being either. We wouldn't say; 'Gee, let's place fourteen year old Tyler, who has a record of extreme violence, on an electrical chair, shall we? We can't put him someplace else anyway'. We do not do that to humans, so we do not do that to animals either. Most of the animals are placed successfully with people who do care about them.

"Today's meeting is about the dolphin and whale slaughter in Japan. We're going to watch the documentary 'the Cove' which reveals the secret of the place Taiji. I'm not forcing you to watch this movie. I can tell you that it's not a beautiful documentary about the magnificence that are dolphins, but is it about the slaughter of them. If you cannot handle seeing the slaughtering of dolphins, I advise you to step out of the room once it gets too much for you. We once had a volunteer, a young woman of twenty-two, and she broke down and cried and vomited because she saw how young bear cubs got hit and pushed around and teased with food. She never came back and had to go to therapy to deal with her nightmares. I'll leave the door open for you to leave as quickly as you can and I'll come get you once it's over, OK?"

There were several murmurs of agreement and nods and I found myself nodding too. Then the light dimmed and a white screen came down from the ceiling. And then the movie started. It started with this dude who was in the television series 'Flipper' once and that he was the one that started the capture of cetaceans from their natural habitat to put them in tanks for people to look at. He said that ever since one of the Flipper dolphins had committed suicide in his arms that he thought differently about dolphins and whales and such and he wanted to rescue them instead of capture them. I was sad when I heard the story about that dolphin drowning herself. The poor animal looked dead unhappy.

The dolphin round-up in Taiji is horrible. Dolphins that are written off by the dolphin trainers are tied to a boat by their tails and dragged into a cove. I watched the water turn blood red, and my insides squirmed like mad. I looked away from the white screen while those animals got slaughtered. Unfortunately I looked up too early and saw the dolphin swimming towards a couple. I saw the poor animal drowning while trying to swim to the surface. It was horrifying. The dolphin tried reaching the couple but drowned because of its wounds that were equally as horrifying. I felt like crying, and I believe I was crying at the end of that scene. Seth wrapped his arm around me and comforted me. Draco looked very disturbed, but remained watching. I did not want to watch anymore. That look of that dolphin trying to breathe but eventually drowning would haunt me in my dreams for a long time, I feared. When the movie was over, I heard several sniffles all across the room. Most people were not better off than I was.

The rest of the meeting went by in a blur to me. I remembered Seth asking me if I was alright, but I told him that I just wanted to go home and have a cup of soothing tea. Seth walked me back to my apartment and made me a cup of tea. He sat down next to me on the couch as he put the cup with tea in front of me on the coffee table. "Thanks," I murmured.

"You're welcome," Seth said. "I hope you didn't mind about introducing you as my boyfriend? It was a slip of the tongue."

"Do you want me to be your boyfriend?" I asked and glanced sideways at him.

"I do," Seth nodded and took my left hand in his. "I would very much like you to be my boyfriend, Harry. I like you a lot and I still think you're very cute and I'm positive that my parents will love you. The question is what do you want?"

"I would like to be your boyfriend too. You are very sweet and romantic. I just do not know how long I will be staying in Manhattan. Sooner or later my parents are going to want me to come back and then what should I tell them? That I have a boyfriend and want to stay in Manhattan? Believe me, I want to tell them that, but you do not know them. They are very religious, they say everything that goes wrong is the Devil's work and I am free here. I never knew how much of a life one could have out here. I love my life here even if you are my only friend here. I can be free here and I want to stay free. I do not want to get caged like a bird again."

"Then tell them that," Seth said. "Be honest with them and don't let yourself get pushed back into the closet again."

I nodded and smiled at Seth. "I think I will call them tomorrow to let them know that I am fine and doing well. I think I will speak to them face to face about my wanting to stay here in New York."

"Are you OK after watching that movie?"

"Um … yeah, I will be fine. At what time are you going to Draco's birthday party?" I asked and reached for my cup of tea. It was still hot, but I blew on the hot liquid and took a small sip.

"Oh, I'll be going around seven thirty I think," Seth said. "We could resume our Chinese classes if you want."

"Yeah, that would be a good way to keep my mind off things," I said. He nodded in understanding and turned to me and picked up where he left off last night.

Around seven thirty in the evening, Seth left for Draco's birthday party and asked me one more time if I really would not join him. I declined and told him to have fun. It did enter my mind that he could very well be making out with random guys at this party, but I would not forbid him from doing something he liked or did not mind doing. That would be unfair to him. He wrote down some things that I could study, such as Chinese characters and how to write them in stroke order and what they meant. He had made a list for me before the meeting today, which I thought very nice of him. Were we a couple now, I wondered? I hoped so.

I went to bed early and lay wondering what I should tell my parents. No matter what I told them, they were going to be disappointed, that much I did know. Growing up like I did, I have a certain amount of respect for my parents, and I do not wish to hurt them, but I must also be truthful to myself. I cannot keep living in a lie like I had in Virginia. I want to be happy and I want to be myself instead of being who my parents want me to be, I realize that now and I am accepting that fact. I am a lot happier accepting who I am than living in denial back in Virginia. The church of the Holy Apostles taught me that God loves everyone, and being raised a Christian, I should have known that. Instead I was taught to dislike everyone who was different from me. I was tempted to call them and I found myself dialing our home number. Anxiously I waited until someone picked it up, preferably my mother. After three rings, it got finally picked up.

"_Hello?"_

"Hi, mom," I said softly. She said nothing for about five seconds and then I realized that she put the phone on speaker so that my dad could listen in too.

"_How are you, son?" _my dad asked over the phone.

"I am fine. New York is nothing what I thought it would be like," I said. Damn it, I wanted to know why they taught me to fear myself. I was too curious and too angry over it to keep my mouth shut, and I knew that I probably should talk to them face to face about this, but I was finally speaking to them and I wanted to know now. "You know, I have found out some very interesting things while I am living here."

"_You have?" _my mom asked with a strange excited tone in her voice.

"Yes, I have," I snorted. "Thanks to your teachings while raising me, I have hated myself for a very long time and I really want to thank you for kicking me out. Coming to New York was the best thing I could have done. Church here is so much different, people are not taught to hate other people, but they are taught to spread God's love for everyone."

"_Honey, they teach you the wrong things!" _my mother suddenly said. _"I don't know what you have done, son, but they will try to brainwash you with their teachings. Why do they teach you that at that … church? Do they accept that abominable folk? Good Lord, what is the world coming to?" _she muttered.

"That abominable folk includes your son," I said angrily. "I have known that I am gay for a very long time, mother, since I was thirteen years old, as a matter of fact. But thanks to your 'beliefs' I began to hate myself because I was not normal. And New York has shown me that it is OK to be who you are, because no one here judges me for it. I can be myself here. I have met someone very nice and decent, and not at all like the whores dad always told me they looked like. Every gay man I have met so far looks just like your average straight man. And I am happy here. I am happy because I do not have to deny who I am any longer. These people here do accept me for who I am, and I am very sorry that you do not. I wanted to call you to let you know how I am, and I also wanted to tell you that I do not want to come home to Virginia. I am staying here."

"_As if we would let you come back!" _my dad yelled. _"You're an abomination! You are not my son, my son is dead, and he was long dead before the Devil took him over!"_

"_James, calm down, the neighbors don't need to hear," _mom said. _"Honey, you won't be happy like this. Only a woman can bring love to a man's life."_

"I have been happier here than I ever have been in Virginia back at home. You may be my mother, but you do not know how I think or what I feel. These feelings are not going to go away, mom. I cannot change who I am. I tried to change myself for over seven years and it only resulted in being deeply unhappy. And women do not bring love into my life, mom. The only thing that women will be bringing in my life is friendship. It feels wrong to me to be with a girl, OK? I love you both very much, but I will no longer give up my happiness to make you happy. Goodbye," I finished softly and disconnected. I did not have the heart to tell them that I had taken up on cutting myself during those unhappy years. I still did not know what being happy truly felt like. Did it feel like the butterflies I felt whenever Seth smiled at me in a particular way, or when we kissed? Or the way my heart would beat faster whenever Draco looked at me? Ugh, not Draco again.

I groaned and flopped down onto the mattress. I had been right before, I realized. Draco did not mention his birthday party to me, even though he had many chances to do so, so I had been right and Draco did not want me present. My chest tightened at that with perhaps disappointment or hurt. Well, what did I expect? We went off on the wrong foot, tried to get along, but he still does not like me. And it does not really matter that he dislikes me, I guess it just hurts more because I have feelings for him―that are slowly going away, mind you. Even if I was myself, people still did not like me. Ah, it was impossible to please the entire world, I knew that, but I could still make an effort to be likable, could I not? At least Seth liked me. He seemed to be the only one who did around here. I fell asleep with troubled thoughts about the conversation I had with my parents.

I woke up about two or three times during the night and I thought I heard Hermione come back to the apartment, laughing rather drunkenly. I believe she brought a guy and I really did not want to know or hear what the two of them were going to do, so I went back to sleep undisturbed. I woke up at about eight in the morning and checked my cell phone. I had three missed calls from Seth. I would call him later today, I figured. It was Sunday, a day when I usually go to church, but I did not have it in me today to go. I did not feel like it.

At eleven in the morning, I decided to give Seth a call, hoping I would not wake him. After four rings, someone picked up the phone, only it was not Seth. I could not recognize this man's voice, but it unnerved me that he picked up Seth's cell phone. What was this man doing at Seth's place at eleven in the morning? Was he someone that Seth had met at Draco's birthday party? Was he someone that Seth had slept with? But what about what Seth told me about lovemaking? Did he not say that he only wanted to do that with his boyfriend because it meant more like that? Was this man an exception then?

"_Hello?"_

I was quiet for a few seconds before I found my voice again. "Er … g-good morning. I am calling to speak to Seth. Is he awake yet?"

"_Um … no he's still asleep. Can I give him a message?"_

"Oh, no that is quite alright. I will speak to him some other time. Have a good day," I said and pressed the red button on my phone. I exhaled slowly, wondering who that man was. I would ask Seth when I could get a hold of him. Then that thought made me pause. Would Seth find me possessive if I asked him who that man was that answered his phone? What right did I have anyway? If Seth thought that I should know then he would tell me, I decided. I heard pained groans coming from Hermione's bedroom and decided I would make her some coffee too, like she often did for me. She came out of her bedroom about ten minutes after I had gotten myself a mug of coffee. She looked like she had had a rough night, and I knew why when I saw a man following her. He had red hair and was tall and lanky, though not as tall as Draco was because he probably was indeed Manhattan's tallest man. The man had a lot of freckles on his face and he reminded me a little of Draco's roommate. He nodded at me and flopped down on one of the chairs at the dining table. The man groaned and put his head in his hands. "Would you like some coffee?" I asked the man.

"Please," he groaned.

I raised my eyebrows, poured Hermione a mug of coffee, got rid of the remains and made a fresh pot of coffee for Hermione's 'friend'. "Say, Hermione," I said when she approached the counter to take her mug of coffee. "Who is that guy?" I whispered.

"No one," Hermione said and sat down next to her friend.

I felt like I was looking at something forbidden. There was a certain amount of tension coming off of Hermione while this man was sobering up. I was guessing that something had happened between the two of them and obviously Hermione had regretted her night with this man. I shrugged and sipped from my own mug. I finished my coffee and left the two on their own to sober up. I decided to head a floor down to Seth's apartment for a drink and then I could ask him who the dude was that picked up his cell phone. I freshened myself up and made for the agonizing slow walk to Seth's apartment. I knocked on his door and waited anxiously for a minute. It was nearing twelve o'clock, so the chances were smaller that Seth was still asleep. No one answered the door, so I tried the doorknob and with luck the door unlocked. I suppose Seth was either too drunk or too busy to lock the door last night. Well, I did not really want to think about what Seth did or could have done when drunk. "Hello?" I called. There was no one in the living area, so I tried the first bedroom, which was empty. I suppose that was his roommate's bedroom. Then I tried the second one and slowly opened the door. The room was dark, but the sunlight came in from the window and I saw Seth lying in bed still asleep with another man lying next to him, who had his arm wrapped around Seth's waist on top of the sheet. I was so stunned that I could not move for a second. I slowly closed the door to his bedroom and left his apartment quietly.

I guess I had figured out what the dude was doing there and why he answered the phone instead of Seth. I needed to stay away from the apartment building for a while, so I took a cab to Central Park. I walked through the young green grass and sat down under a tree that was barely in full bloom. The leaves were beautifully green and full and in a few months the leaves would look dead on the ground. I slowly exhaled to release the pressure on my chest a little. Seth was not even my boyfriend for a day and already it had gone wrong. I suppose two men really cannot stay faithful to one another. Who was that guy? I had not seen him before, I was sure of that, so it must be someone that Seth picked up at Draco's birthday party. I wondered how the party went. Did Draco like the male stripper? What did a strip show look like? Did the guy get naked? Did Seth sleep with that man? I suppose Seth got tired of waiting or he was just waiting until something better came along.

I chuckled bitterly. I was just never good enough for anybody. I mean I tried my hardest, but no one bothered to hang out with me or talked to me. Maybe Seth decided to get close to me because he thought I was an easy lay. An easy lay … Well, I was not an easy lay and once Seth realized that he picked someone up to find release at last. I do these kinds of things often; I speculate a lot and often it brings more trouble than good. As you have probably noticed, I do not have the best self-esteem, but what else am I supposed to think? Seth tried to get closer to me for weeks and anyone with a good set of eyes would immediately do what Seth asked of you, well, except for me then. I guess Seth got tired of it. So what should I do? Break our wonderfully long and committed (cough) relationship? Should I keep my mouth shut? But then Seth would think that I did not mind Seth sleeping around, which is absolutely not the case.

"Harry? What are you doing here?" a voice said in front of me. There stood Draco, looking way too good and handsome after spending such a night on his twenty-seventh birthday.

"Oh, hey," I said. "How was your party?"

"It was fun," he said. "Why weren't you there?"

I raised an eyebrow, wondering if he really had to ask. "I was not invited."

"I thought Seth would ask you?" Draco said and frowned. "I assumed that Seth would ask you along."

"He did ask me," I said. "I said that I was not invited and I did not want to ruin your birthday …"

Draco approached me and sat down next to me on the grass against the tree. "You wouldn't have ruined my birthday party," he shrugged.

I looked down at my lap and shrugged as well. "How was the stripper?"

Draco snorted and chuckled. "It was … how should I say this? He definitely knew what he was doing and what would arouse a man, let's put it that way. Hermione filmed it, the little voyeur. If you want to watch it, ask her for the camera. Don't tell Hermione this, but he actually got me hard, and he knew it. He threw me a wink before he removed his tight ass from my crotch, but damn it was hot. I really needed that after my break up with my ex. Excuse me for the language."

"That is OK," I said. "I have gotten more used to it, so you are free to swear however much you want, within certain bounds of course."

"Of course."

I sighed and wondered why I even wanted to talk to Draco about what I had seen. I suppose I just wanted to talk to someone about it purely for the sake of getting it out. "I had three missed calls from Seth," I murmured. "I called him back, but someone else picked up the phone. I wondered who the guy was and why Seth could not be bothered to pick it up, so then I went to his apartment, but no one answered when I knocked on the door, so I turned the knob and entered Seth's apartment. I found him still asleep with some other guy in his bed. So I came here … to think, I think," I said.

"Just because you found them asleep in bed together, that doesn't mean that they had sex," Draco said. "I think you should ask Seth what the guy was doing there. Seth is an honest guy; he won't lie to you to make himself look better and he's not the type to cheat on his boyfriend. I've known Seth for a while and I know that he wouldn't intentionally hurt your feelings."

I sighed and glanced at him. "Are you very hurt about what your ex did?"

Draco closed his eyes and smiled briefly. "Yes, I am still very hurt by what he did. I loved him a lot and I loved being with him. We lived together in a house and I wanted to share the rest of my life with him and be with him 'till I grew old and die. It didn't matter to me that he was bi, but it did matter when he told me that he had sex twice with a woman whom I went to school with. I believe they are together now, but I don't see him or speak to him. He left Manhattan when I threw him out and I suppose he lives with her now back in Boston," he shrugged. "I try to get my life back on track and I try to move on. But it's difficult; I really thought that he was the one, the love of my life and he cheated on me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think 'Was it me? Did I do something to drive him away?' but then I remind myself that it was his fault, and not mine. I'll get over it sometime."

I felt angry at Draco's ex for hurting him like that. When I heard Draco speak of his ex, he did not sound at all indifferent and cold as I initially thought him to be. "I am sorry."

"You know, it sucks. When you grow up you expect to meet someone and be with them until the end of time, and you don't realize as a kid how difficult life is once you're an adult. You have to face problems, prejudice in some cases and you never really experience a happily ever after. You only experience a happily ever after when you've gone through enough shit to fill up your emotional baggage. It's the way things go nowadays. Nothing goes easy; everything goes with a shitload of pain and suffering. It does make one stronger and bitter and then you'll most likely never be in another relationship again because who wants to be with a bitter and indifferent person? It would be hell on your own self-esteem when your partner screams his frustrations at you, and in the end you'll end up leaving your partner. It's a never ending cycle really. You could be together with someone for like, fourteen years and then suddenly you get problems in your relationship and you end up breaking it off and then what? In short, life just really sucks. Why are we alive? Why do we have to face so much shit? It's kind of depressing," he said thoughtfully.

"I have never really heard you speak like that before," I said. "Not even when you lectured me when we first met."

Draco chuckled and looked down at me. "So why aren't you in church? Decided that you didn't feel like going anymore? Isn't getting boring to hear all those stories about God and Jesus over and over again? Why do you believe actually? Why do you believe in something that can't be proven?"

"I do not know … I just believe. I believe that there is a God looking down at us," I said. "He probably would not be happy seeing what goes on around Earth. I spoke with my mom and dad yesterday evening. I called them."

"What did they say?"

"Well, my mom is glad that everything is OK with me, and eh … I told her that I want to stay here in Manhattan and that I do not want to go back to Virginia. I want to be free, and I want to live my life the way I want to, and not the way my parents tell me to live it."

"I'm glad you're using your brains," he snorted.

"Oh, shut up," I chuckled and slapped him lightly across his arm. "OK, you were right. Is that what you want to hear?"

"I didn't say anything, did I?"

I looked into his eyes, which were surprisingly light and beautiful. Why had I never noticed that before? I suddenly became aware that I was staring at him, never mind the fact that he was staring back at me. I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. He just looked so beautiful; his eyes glowed, his hair seemed lighter, there was a soft breeze and … he just looked gorgeous and in that moment I would not have protested if he pulled my clothes off and spread my legs wide. All those feelings that I wished were gone all came back and hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like I had walked into an invisible glass door; I felt light in my head and the sight of Draco took my breath away.

"You should call Seth," Draco said softly to me.

"Hmm," I nodded and glanced at a pair very kissable looking lips. He had perfectly shaped lips that were not too full and not to thin either. I wondered how they would feel on my own lips. How would his tongue feel in my mouth? That thought caused my chest to tighten. Oh man, I had it bad for this guy, I realized.


	10. 8 Part VIII

Part VIII

Do not worry, that was not a cliffhanger at the end of the previous chapter. Nothing happened, even though I did not mind if something would happen. I would probably regret that later. I do not know what Draco thinks of me, but apparently he thought it quite normal to be stared at by a love struck guy. I found it amazing that he did not have a herd of admirers sending him flowers every ten minutes. I would do it if I had the guts for it.

I ended up walking through Central Park with Draco. He has quite a bit of knowledge in that handsome head of his. Apparently he loves history as well; he had read a lot of books on history (mainly about the world wars) and he owns several DVDs on the world wars. I told him that I did not really like the wars, but I liked watching or reading about a country's evolution throughout time and the changes that the culture goes through. Draco told me he had a movie called 'Samurai'. It was made in the fifties and it is about Japan in the time of the samurai and there is this farmer's village that gets assaulted by bandits and they cannot really defend themselves, so they request the protection of samurai. He asked me if I wanted to watch the movie with him sometime. I agreed, mainly because I was very interested in the movie, but also because I would be alone with Draco for an entire evening. Somehow that thrilled me.

Then there was the Seth thing. I decided against calling him and just stopping by his apartment when I went back. This is what I was currently doing. Draco left me alone for the fourth floor, while I walked over to room number three hundred and fifteen. I knocked three times on it and thankfully Seth opened the door and smiled at me.

"Harry, hey," he said and opened the door wide to allow me in. "What a surprise. To what do I owe this pleasant visit?"

"Er … I saw that I had three missed calls from you," I began. It was the safest way to begin instead of accusing him of sleeping around. Draco does give great advice. "So I called you around eleven o'clock this morning, but someone else picked up. I wondered about this person and wanted to ask you about it, so I came to your apartment and eh … well, I saw you lying in bed still asleep with a guy next to you … I mean, if you … you know, if you have met someone else …" I swallowed and glanced down at the wooden floor of the apartment.

"Will you please sit down so I can explain myself?" Seth asked and I nodded and walked over to the sofa where I sat down. Seth sat down next to me. "That guy's name is Kyle Adams and is an old friend of mine. He knew Draco as well and was at the party. We spent the entire time at the party catching up with each other because we hadn't seen each other in several years. We got a bit drunk and he lives in New York City nowadays, so I offered him a place to crash for the night. We didn't do anything, besides he's not even gay."

"You looked pretty cozy in bed together," I muttered.

"Kyle is one of those straight men who do show affection towards his male friends," Seth said.

"Oh." I am glad I did not start accusing Seth of sleeping around if he was really telling the truth. But straight men do not usually wrap their arms around another man like that, do they? Nor do they sleep in the same bed as another man. Or perhaps New Yorkers did do that. Strange. Seth wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer. I felt kind of guilty for having feelings for Draco, but I did not want to voice them out loud. It was unimportant because I was with Seth and I was sure that my feelings for Draco would disappear, though it was harder when Draco spoke to me this afternoon at Central Park. I did not know what it was, but there was something irresistible about him.

Enough about Draco. Like I said earlier, Draco is someone who would never want to be in a relationship with someone like me. I am ordinary, not very good looking in my opinion and I also could not understand why Seth had taken a liking to me. Perhaps he was one of the ones who did not judge on appearance. If he did, I am sure I would have been written off ages ago. I wrapped an arm around Seth's belly and sighed, dropping my head on his shoulder. Being with Seth like this in his arms felt good; I felt wanted for a change. Not that I felt unwanted all the time, but I did not feel a sense of belonging here in Manhattan. I did feel that with Seth. And with Draco.

Enough about Draco. I told Seth that I spoke with Draco at Central Park and that I would watch a movie with him sometime. Seth seemed OK with that and apparently could not see how much I looked forward to that.

Sometime in the afternoon, I got called while I was watching a TV program. "Hello?"

"_Hey, Harry," _Draco said on the other end.

"Hey, how did you get my number?" I asked.

"_I have my ways," _he said mysteriously. _"What are you doing tonight?"_

"Eh … nothing."

"_Great, come over to my place and we'll watch that movie. My roommate's gone for the evening―something to do with her idiot brother, so I've got the place for my own. So what about it?"_

"Sounds good. I'll be over in a few seconds."

Draco laughed. _"OK, see you in a few."_

I hung up and could barely contain my happiness. I put my cell phone in my pocket and wrote a quick note for Hermione, who was out with a few friends of hers. Then I left for Draco's apartment down the hall at number twenty. Before I had even knocked three times on the door it got opened by Draco who motioned for me to come in. The last time I had entered his apartment I felt afraid because Draco was in a bad mood, but this time that was not the case. The curtains were drawn shut and the room was dark save for a lamp near the sofa that lit up the little corner where the television hung.

"What would you like to drink? I've got fizzy drinks, beer, water, orange juice …" he said.

"Eh … I would like a glass of orange juice please," I said and sat down on the sofa. The DVD lay on the coffee table and I picked it up and read the summary on the back. It looked very interesting indeed. This night alone with Draco felt exciting to me. He came back quickly and handed me a glass of what looked like fresh orange juice. He had gotten himself a coke and grabbed the remote control.

"I've seen this movie once before, but it's worth watching it a second time," he said and pressed play.

I looked at the TV screen instead of at Draco. I really needed to get over this crush but I also realized that if I would not be able to, I could not drag Seth into my own personal mess. I knew I liked Draco more than I liked Seth, I thought of Seth more as a close friend instead of a boyfriend and I saw Draco more as a potential boyfriend than a friend. If these feelings for Draco would not leave, then I would talk to Seth about it. It was better to tell him before it was too late and before Seth's feelings got too strong. I did not want to hurt him.

I felt very conflicted while I was watching this movie. I had never seen a movie like this before. It was shot in black and white, and it looked and felt very realistic. There was one fellow among the group of samurai that had me really cracking up with his antics. Unfortunately he died near the end of the movie. I became more comfortable in Draco's presence and I did not feel afraid of him. Not today at least. Draco put the movie on pause and asked me if I would like another drink?

"I would like another glass of orange juice, please," I said when he asked me.

"So polite," he purred and took my empty glass from the coffee table. My cheeks felt a bit warm after he spoke like that. The sound of his voice really got to me; it was deep, sensual, and highly erotic … or had I already mentioned that sometime? Draco returned a full glass to me while I kept staring at the TV screen.

"I've got some vegan snacks," he said. "Want to try some?"

"Sure, I have already been talked into eating vegetarian, why not just add something vegan too?" I shrugged and watched Draco smile, literally jump off the couch and head for the kitchen area. That man became stranger the more I spoke to him and saw him. The more I spoke to him and saw him, the more I liked him. He came back with a bowl of what looked like marshmallows and a bowl of tortilla chips. "This is vegan?"

"Yep, and it's good," Draco said and put the two bowls on the coffee table. "I totally love the marshmallows." He grabbed a few marshmallows and held one in front of my mouth. I glanced at him and took a bite.

"Hmm, it is sweet," I mumbled and swallowed the piece that I had bitten off. I took another bite and my lips came dangerously close to Draco's fingers that were holding the last little bit of marshmallow. Draco stuffed the last bit into his own mouth and hit the play button on the remote control. I cannot believe that I could find something like that arousing. Believe me when I say that I really do like Seth and he is a wonderful guy, but Draco really makes my body go into overdrive. There was something incredibly erotic about him feeding me a marshmallow―a vegan marshmallow. He apparently thought it very normal for he took no more notice of me and happily ate away from the bowl in front of him as his eyes were focused on the moving TV screen.

I really needed to talk to Seth. And perhaps I should talk to a psychiatrist about my cutting addiction, even though I had not done it for a few days now. I felt no need to hurt myself lately. I swallowed thickly and focused on the movie again.

The duration of the movie was about three hours(!), but was very interesting. I really liked those katana swords, you know, the samurai swords. A samurai sword is called a katana in Japanese. I was very surprised when Draco said something in Japanese to me. He deepened his voice and said something along the lines of 'we must fight for our freedom, for our freedom is our own' or something like that. I had never heard anything sexier than that. Whew, my God. I had no idea that he spoke Japanese. It was around twelve that I returned to my apartment. Hermione had probably already gone to bed because she had to get up early tomorrow, as did I. I would send a text message to Seth to ask him to come by the bookstore at six after my shift was over. I did not want to hurt him, I really did not, but I could not keep this up while I felt stronger for someone else even if I probably would never be with this person. Seth did not deserve to get dragged into my mess.

That was probably the smartest idea I had ever had so far. I went to bed with yet again troubled thoughts and wondered if Seth would be hurt, disappointed or angry.

The following day, Monday, I saw that I had one text message from Seth. He agreed to meet with me. He probably thought that I would want to go out with him and have a drink or something. I planned to take him to Central Park and take a walk together while I would tell him of my crush on Draco that would still not go away. Was I making the right decision of telling him? I could almost hit myself across the head; of course I would be making the right decision. It is not fair to Seth and I definitely did not want to hurt him more than I unfortunately had to. I hoped Seth's feelings for me did not go that deep; he would be more hurt if he loved me.

All throughout the day I kept thinking about what I had to tell Seth and how I was going to break it to him. Suddenly that same boy that had hit on me a couple of days ago came into the store. This time he did not look at me. He looked a bit uneasy, I thought. I shrugged to myself and looked down into a book I had brought with me about Japan. I still had not finished that book, mainly because I had been too busy with other things, such as thinking about Draco. I sighed to myself and looked up at the boy who fumbled with his jacket a lot. Then the boy turned and made a beeline for the counter. I felt my eyebrows go up and my eyes widened. He looked a little hysterical if I had to say so myself.

"That book on astrology was good," he said and clenched his fists on the counter.

"O-OK," I said. "Can I help you with anything else?"

"Is your girlfriend pretty?"

I had a hard time not gaping at the boy who became increasingly more upset. "That is none of your business, kid."

"I'm sure it's a model or something," he muttered. "A skinny girl who is famous, I bet. Why are all the cute guys straight?" he complained. I decided to just let him rant. Sometimes they needed to get something like that off their chests and I did not bother to correct him in his assumption about my sexual orientation. "I bet you laughed at me when I was gone, didn't you? I bet you thought I was just some pathetic kid hitting on a random guy, but I have seen you before. I'm sure I have."

"And where have you seen me then?" I asked.

"I don't know, alright!" he groaned and leaned slightly over the counter. Then he suddenly pointed his finger at me. "I remember! It was at that Chinese restaurant! You were there with two other people. Do you know how beautiful you looked in the glowing light of the candle?"

"Why did you hit on me? What made you think that I was like you?" I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned at the kid who nervously played with his lip ring. I looked beautiful in the glowing light of a candle? I admit that was a very creative pick-up line. How often had this kid told other guys the very same? Me and beautiful, that is a good one. Not.

"I don't know," he shrugged and looked down. "It couldn't hurt to try, could it? A lot of gay guys live here, so you never really know when you're hitting on a straight guy or a gay guy. I didn't care that you could beat the shit out of me for hitting on you. I just wanted to talk to you. I didn't even care that you knew that big blond guy."

"Do you mean Draco Malfoy?"

The boy nodded and shuddered. "He's unbelievably gorgeous, and don't tell him this please, but a lot of gay kids are afraid of him. He always gives us a threatening look as if he knows that we're not straight and that he could beat us all up and get away with it. I'm sure he could get away with it. Rumor has it that he often works with the police and that he does them a favor. I bet the police would turn a blind eye for him if he asked for it."

The kid was not the only one who was afraid of Draco; even I had felt afraid of him a few times. Then the bell above the door jingled and the door shut closed. I had to stop myself from laughing because Draco had to duck slightly to get through the doorway. It was a pretty funny sight. He wore his black sunglasses and he looked all unreadable, quite hot actually. The kid turned his head and I saw his shoulders tense up and he uttered a soft gasp.

"What is he doing here?" the boy whispered with his eyes trained on the tall form of Draco. "Did you call him? Oh, God," he gasped and looked at Draco.

"Do not get all hysterical," I said and rolled my eyes. The boy looked at me and he was really afraid. Why was he so afraid? Had Draco done something to him? Did he have bad experiences with homophobes? Or were there a lot of negative rumors going around about Draco that made others fear him? I would ask him about it, I decided. "Draco, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, just looking around," he said and gave me and the boy a look. "Yes, I do venture out into bookstores. I like reading, remember?"

"The porn section is in that corner," I said and pointed at the corner to my left.

Draco laughed at me and gave me the thumbs up. He approached me and I saw the kid inching away from the counter. "So … was this the kid that hit on you?"

"How do you …?"

"Seth told me," Draco explained. "At my birthday party when you had not shown up."

"Sorry," I muttered and looked away from him. "How was I supposed to know that I was invited? No one told me anything. Except for Seth then, he told me that your party was on June fifth."

"Well, perhaps you can attend the party next year?" Draco suggested and took off his sunglasses. Then he turned to the boy. "What are you looking at, kid?" he demanded.

"N-nothing, sir," the boy stammered and lowered his eyes. I knew how the boy felt, I truly did. Draco has a gift for intimidating people and he does not really have to put in a lot of effort to pull that off, because he did so successfully. The boy tried to move away, but Draco decided to tease him further. He gripped the boy's shoulder and prevented the boy from leaving the store.

"Draco," I said and shook my head when he looked at me. However, he just smirked and put his arm around the boy's shoulders.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Draco asked the boy. "You look very familiar …" He rubbed his chin in thought while the boy tried to avoid eye contact. "Ah! Now I remember," he said and smiled. "You're the one that's always pointing at me and whispering about me behind my back. Kid, I have a very good hearing, and some of the things you said … Whew, really, I didn't know that I was a private detective rounding up gay guys when I feel like it. I didn't know that I was friends with the cops either. Oh, and I eat puppies for breakfast."

"Really?" I asked. Why had I never heard those rumors about Draco before? "Quite the CV you have."

"Oh, yeah," Draco grinned. "I also teach high school kids solely for the purpose of being able to punish them as a teacher."

"Oh, yeah?" I smiled. "I suppose you are rather cut out for teaching."

"Totally," Draco nodded. Then he glanced down at the boy and squeezed the boy's shoulder. "What are you so afraid of, kid? I'm not going to hurt you or beat you up or whatever. I don't even know you and thus I have no reason to beat you up because you didn't do anything to make me angry. Do you know the saying 'don't judge a book by its cover'? Perhaps you should think about that more often." Then he released the boy. "Hurry along now," he said and made a shooing motion with his hands.

The boy quickly left without a glance backwards. Draco snorted and turned towards me. "Little brat," he murmured and glanced at the book that I had opened in front of me. "Japan," he said. "Is it a good book?"

"It is," I nodded and stared at Draco's face, whose eyes were scanning the pictures on the page I had been reading. He stood so incredibly close and again I marveled at how fair this man's skin was and how perfect it looked. He had beautiful features; soft lips, very nice teeth, beautiful smile, strong jaw line. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of gray I had ever seen and when Draco looked into my eyes, I saw just how gray they really were. When he looked at me like that, it seemed my brain shut down. I was completely captivated by this creature that was far too beautiful and far too perfect to be human.

"Good," Draco murmured. His eyes left my eyes and briefly settled on my lips, I think. Was it just me or did his face suddenly came closer? I looked at his lips, which seemed to be just inches away from mine. Just before our lips touched, the bell above the door jingled and a woman of about thirty years old came in. Draco seemed to realize what had almost happened and put some distance between the two of us. "Er … I need to go. I'll see you sometime, OK?"

Before I could say anything, Draco had left the store. After about twenty minutes, I started wondering if that had really happened. Had we almost kissed? Or was that just a figment of my imagination, a desperate dream that would never come true? Surely that had to be it. I had not had a lot of customers today, and I had just been daydreaming is all. Draco had not come to this very bookstore, because he did not know where I worked and he would certainly not come here for me. It had looked so real though. The boy's fear seemed so real, and Draco himself had looked so real. My dreams looked very real too, but I would rather not think about them. Not before I had spoken to Seth.

It was only three o'clock in the afternoon, and Seth would not be here until six. Three more hours, I sighed softly to myself. I turned back to my book and read more about Japan as an empire in the nineteenth century.

When six o'clock neared, I became increasingly more nervous. I had never been in a relationship before, and I had never had to tell my boyfriend that I liked someone else better. But we had only been together for a few days, which in itself sounded very pathetic. No matter how much I did not want to hurt Seth, I had to tell him. I just had to. I could not keep these feelings secret for him; they were starting to eat away at me. I needed to tell someone about it, but it would not be Seth, I decided.

At around six, the bell above the door jingled and the familiar smiling face of Seth entered the bookstore. "Hey," he said and leaned in to kiss me on my lips, but I turned my head slightly so he kissed me on the cheek instead. He frowned a little but seemed to shrug it off.

"Hi," I replied. "Let me close up and then I wanted to take you to Central Park."

"OK," Seth said with obvious excitement. It pained me already to tell him, and I had not even said it yet. I was beginning to dread the conversation I would be having with him at the park.

The cab ride was silent. Seth kept glancing at me, but I refused to meet his brown eyes. I never should have agreed to be his boyfriend, damn it. I should have just wallowed in my feelings for Draco on my own and I should have told Seth that I liked him better as a friend. But now it was too late already; Seth was my boyfriend and he would get hurt more now. I felt so anxious that I felt sick to my stomach. I felt my stomach churning and twisting inside my body.

"Harry, are you OK?" Seth asked and tentatively touched my shoulder.

I simply nodded and looked out of the car window. I saw houses and trees go by in a blur until we finally arrived at Central Park. It was a big park, fortunately, because this conversation could take a while, I figured. I took Seth's hand and led him into the park, not caring that he seemed confused. "We need to talk, Seth," I muttered to the sandy path.

"I think I have a clue what this is about," Seth said.

"You do?" I looked up at him, anxious and nervous. Perhaps it was not a good idea to be having this conversation at the park. At once, things that my father had told me resurfaced to the front of my mind and it only became worse when I saw that we were about the only ones who were at the park. How stupid. If Seth grew angry with me, he could do whatever he wanted and no one would notice. Good Lord, when have I gotten so dumb?

Seth nodded, oblivious to my thoughts and looked at the path in front of him. "I know you have feelings for _him_ and it's unfair of me to ask you to forget about the guy so I can stay with you, but that's not the way it works, I know that."

"But … how did you know? Am I that transparent?" I asked.

Seth snorted. "You're not transparent, Harry. I just noticed that you acted differently around Draco. So you do have feelings for him?"

"I wish I did not, Seth, I honestly do. I had hoped that it would go away so I could be with you, but … It has only gotten worse and I do not know what to do about it," I said and cleared my throat because I felt my throat close up. "I do not want to hurt you, Seth. That has never been my intention, but these feelings will not go away."

"Calm down, Harry," he said and wrapped an arm around me. He led me to one of the park's benches and we sat down. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and I'll get over it after some time. It's not fair to you either to stay with me when you like someone else better."

"It is not only that," I murmured and looked into his eyes. "I want us to be friends. Or at least something like that. I want to keep spending time with you because I like you. I feel safe with you and I would regret it if we did not speak to each other anymore."

"Harry, I don't know if being friends is such a good idea."

I nodded at my lap. Well of course he would not want to be friends with me. I had just stabbed him through his heart, what else did I expect? I had just lost a great friend for someone who would laugh square in my face if I told him how much I liked him; even though he knew that I was attracted to him at some level. He just did not know how much I felt for him. I felt Seth's arm leave my shoulders and I felt a lot colder all of a sudden. I felt like I was the one being rejected. "I am sorry, Seth." I heard Seth sigh and I got up. I left the park and walked all the way back to the apartment building.

Back at the apartment, I found Hermione and Draco having a late dinner. I really was not up for another round of 'let's pretend we all like Harry', so I quickly made myself some dinner (four sandwiches and I could not remember what I had put on them) and I left for my bedroom. Since it was spring, it took longer for the sun to set, so it stayed light a little bit longer. I looked out of the window and looked down on the stores and people. I could easily spot a few couples who were holding hands, gay couples and straight couples alike. It seemed that finding happiness was not on my path to finding myself. It seemed that in order to find myself, I hurt people. But I hurt people when I denied who I was too; I hurt my parents because I was not who they wanted me to be, and I hurt myself because I pretended to be something that I was not. But now that I am free to be who I am, I am still hurting people. Seth for example. My chest constricted because I had hurt him. And now what? I just ended a relationship that lasted only three days or something. I was just pathetic.

I chewed on my sandwiches, managed to swallow everything down and flopped down on my bed. I could probably never look into Seth's eyes again and there was no way that I could go to that Chinese restaurant and face Seth's mother, knowing that I hurt him. He would probably tell his parents and they would forbid me to enter the restaurant, I bet. Well, it was best that I would not show my face there anyway.

Seeing Draco at our apartment, it made me think of what I had daydreamed about at the shop. Usually I would daydream about something sexual, or him feeding me fruits instead of marshmallows, but this daydream seemed strange to have. Or perhaps I was not having a one track mind today. Yes, that was probably it. I snorted and took out my book on Japan and continued reading. I half expected Seth's mother, or father, to call me and yell profanities at me, telling me how much I had hurt her son and that I should drop dead or something, but my phone did not ring. The only ones who had my cell phone number were Seth, my parents and a friend or two who lived back in Virginia. I had about six phone numbers in total. That sounded pretty pathetic too. I bet Draco and Hermione knew everyone in Chelsea. They probably had been popular back in school, whereas I got bullied because of my glasses and I had always been the weird kid in class. I am glad that I left high school behind me. My parents wanted me to go to college, but I did not want to. I wanted to be on my own and now that I am, I realize just how alone I actually am. Back in Virginia I was always surrounded by people I knew, but here, _up north_, I was alone in my bedroom in a world that I was afraid of entering.

Eventually I fell asleep. I think today's events kind of wore me out. I dreamed my regular dreams; the dreams of Draco at the bookstore this time. I dreamed that we had not been interrupted by that lady and that he had kissed me. I dreamed that he lifted me onto the counter, intending to have me and his lips and hands were everywhere. My body felt hot, it responded so fiercely to that man's touch that I knew that anything he did could set me off and could take me into heaven. My legs got spread and I did not even felt afraid of what Draco could see there. And then he was inside me. I threw my head back and a long string of moans and other sounds that I had never made escaped my mouth. Then Seth walked into the store, but I did not even notice him. Draco did notice him; he smirked and gripped my legs and pushed his erection inside me with more force.

Then I woke up. It was around twelve thirty in the morning, I saw and my body was hot and sweaty from the dream I had. My penis was still hard, but I knew that I had an orgasm while dreaming of getting pounded into. I bit off a moan and threw the covers off my body. I heard the faint sound of the television from the living area and I heard Draco's murmuring voice and I had to bite off another moan. The dream felt so real, I could still feel those hands and those lips on my body. I could still feel Draco's penis inside me, moving in me. Oh, Lord … I cleaned myself up with a wet cloth and hissed softly when the cold cloth touched my still hard penis. I looked down at the red and purple thing that bobbed up and down every time I moved. I touched the head with the tip of my finger and bit my lower lip at how sensitive that single touch was. I shook myself out of the cloud of lust that my head was caught in and put the cloth away. I pulled up my pajama pants and went back into my bedroom. I felt the strong urge to join Hermione and Draco on the sofa, but I could not do that while my penis was still hard and visible through my thin pants.

I waited for about twenty minutes before I was sure that my penis was not hard anymore and that it would not show a lot. I still heard the television, I heard Draco and Hermione laugh very quietly and it appeared that they were watching some strange cartoon together. I took a glass from the cupboard, filled it with water and glanced at the two of them. They had not appeared to hear me. I waited for them to notice me and to invite me in watching with them. But they did not. I gulped down my glass of water and filled the glass again. Then Hermione turned her head and spotted me.

"Harry," she said. "Sorry, did the noise wake you up?"

"Er, no, it did not. I just wanted to get something to drink," I said and took another sip of water. "What are you watching?"

"South Park," Hermione said.

"Oh." I wondered what in heaven's name South Park was, but since I was not asked if I wanted to watch also I put my glass on the kitchen counter and returned to my bedroom. Why did it hurt? I admit I had never been popular or anything, but my friends always asked me to hang out and try not to get caught playing a game that our parents disapproved of. Then I realized that I had no friends here. Not anymore at least. They thought me some strange Christian fellow from Virginia and they probably did not know how to act around me since I was raised rather conservatively. I was not able to fall asleep again, so I turned on the light and grabbed a random book. I do not even remember the title of this book. What the hell was I doing in New York anyway? These people were too different from me and they did not like me that much was obvious. I was tempted to go back to Virginia and lead the life that I previously led there, but I knew that I could not. Not anymore. Not when I knew what feeling free felt like. Perhaps I should become more like New Yorkers to fit in. I admit I am still a bit of a stiff person, despite the fact that I am more out-going now, according to me at least. Other people probably did not see it that way.

I gave up on reading because I could not read one word of the page that I stared at. I glanced at my journal and decided that I needed to write down the things that I could not say to anyone.

_Date: July eight, 2010,_

_It is currently about a quarter past one in the morning. I woke up from a very sexual and very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was working at the bookstore and Draco came and he kissed me. Then he lifted me up on the counter, and somehow we both ended up naked and he was inside me. In my dream the bell above the door jingled and Seth came in. I did not notice Seth; I was too busy moaning and groaning. I woke up after that. My penis was still hard and I still felt sweaty. Draco and Hermione were watching a cartoon together and I kind of want to join them, but neither one of them had asked me so I returned to my bedroom._

_I told Seth today that I had feelings for Draco._

_I just could not keep my mouth shut anymore. It was not fair to Seth and I hope he will be friends with me again sometime in the future. He said that he was not sure if being friends again was such a good idea. I understand why not though; I would find it difficult to be friends with someone that I liked as something more than a friend. It is a pity, because I did like Seth a lot, just not like that._

_What am I supposed to do about Draco? He already knows that I am attracted to him, a few weeks ago he did know at least, when he caught me having an orgasm during cutting―how embarrassing that entire situation was. I am sure that Draco does not know the extent of my feelings for him, and it pains me to say that they have only gotten stronger since I met him for the first time. I always have dreams about him, sexual or otherwise, and he is always on my mind. I had hoped that it was just a silly, shallow crush, but it turned out not to go away. I am troubled and I feel guilty for hurting Seth. I lost a very good friend and someone who is important to me for nothing. For absolutely nothing. Whatever these feelings are precisely, I do not know for sure, but I do know that I cannot do anything with it. Draco barely tolerates me as a friend, so I can kiss that goodbye immediately. I see the way he looks at me sometimes; his face would be set in a deep, stern frown which makes him look quite dangerous. I feel nervous whenever he looks at me like that. It is like he knows something that I do not._

_If I would tell Draco how much I liked him, I am sure that he will laugh at me. I am also sure that Draco hears that from a lot of people. Why would it be any different if it came from me? I am basically still a boy; Draco is a man, a real man. A man any father can be proud of. I would imagine that Draco's father is proud of his son. My father will never be proud of me. He will only be proud when I come home with a woman, and that will never happen._

_What kind of men was Draco interested in? I had only heard about this Blaise guy once or twice, and I imagined Blaise to be very handsome. He just had to be. Draco would not date an ugly person. I am not saying that I am the monster of Loch Ness―well; I do feel that way next to Draco―but I am not handsome either. I am kind of average, I think, or perhaps a bit below average. I never got a lot of attention from the girls, so perhaps a bit further below average. The only features that I like about myself are my eyes. Everything else is not worth mentioning. I have got dark, almost black hair which is quite unmanageable so it is always sticking up all over the place. I thought about getting it cut short, but I do not think that that would suit me, so I keep it a little bit longer. Those scars are horrifying and anyone would agree with me and write me off if they saw them and my body … well … let's just not talk about that. I could not imagine anyone finding me desirable, so I wondered quite a bit why Seth did._

_And Draco would not date me if the fate of mankind depended on it. He would probably choose wiping out mankind over dating me. A few people have already looked at me with a disgusted expression on their faces when I walked down the street to get a loaf of bread at the baker's. I had looked down at myself to check if I looked appropriate enough and wondered what those people were disgusted about. I never fail to remind myself how transparent I am, so I figured that those were probably just some homophobes with no life._

_Perhaps I should just deal with my feelings on my own without dragging anyone down with me (a boyfriend for example). I should have done that much earlier, then perhaps I would still have Seth as a friend. Perhaps Seth could have helped me get over Draco, although I do not see that happening anytime soon. There is just something about that man that I cannot put into words. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat, my chest tightens and I feel butterflies in my belly. I know what that feeling is and I also know that I like that man a lot, very much actually. I just thought that it was a shallow crush because at first it were his looks that caught my attention, but the more I got to know him and the more time I spent with him, the more I began to like him on a deeper level. And now that I have finally embraced who I am, I have allowed myself to have the dreams that I would harm myself for a few weeks ago._

_I do not harm myself like I used to anymore. Now that I have accepted who I am, I do not feel the need to harm this body anymore. Still I feel that urge to do it once or twice, but somehow I wonder what Draco would think of that, and I do not harm myself. I wonder what Draco thinks of me? It is silly that that man is such a big factor in my life, even if he does not know it. Sometimes I would like to ask Draco's opinion on something or ask for his advice, but I do not know what he will think of that. He would probably think me an idiot or something._

_I can still hear the television and I can still hear Hermione and Draco laughing quietly. I wanted to make Draco laugh. I wanted to see him smile because he has such a beautiful smile. He never smiles in my presence._

I put my pen away and closed the journal. I think that this is the longest entry that I have ever written in this journal, nevertheless, I wrote down everything that was bothering me. I realized how insecure I sounded, but I suppose I was a bit insecure having led the life I had up until I moved to Manhattan. I know my mom had always felt insecure, so maybe it is a genetic thing. I did inherit a lot of her traits, and perhaps insecurity is one of them. I remember always wondering what my friends thought of me, if they knew that I was not like them. Being raised this way screwed with my mind a lot and not for the first time I wished that I had not been raised as a Christian.


	11. 9 Part IX

Part IX

My birthday is only one day away, on July thirty-first, and I have no idea what to do about it. I used to celebrate my birthday with my parents and with some friends, but I remember my seventeenth birthday particularly well; I had invited all of my friends and some family members had shown up. I invited like, fifteen people, and only four showed up around ten in the evening―they had already told me that they would be delayed and would come later. No one else had shown up. I had everything set up, I had drinks, snacks and the backyard was decorated with flags and a few balloons and I sat in my backyard for two hours on my own, waiting until those four people finally arrived. I was very hurt and vowed to myself that I would not celebrate my birthday again. And I had not celebrated it again. I had not seen those people who had not shown up at my party for several years either. I suppose I am a bit bitter about it.

I had not spoken to Seth again after I told him of my feelings for Draco―that was about a month and a half ago since I told him that. The good thing is that I have not cut myself for almost two months and I am very proud of myself for that.

As for the Draco situation as I call it nowadays, things have not improved. I find myself blushing and stuttering whenever I speak with him―and even that is not often. My dreams are still the same and I often masturbate under the shower or in bed when I think about him, which is quite frequently.

I have not spoken to my parents since I told them that I would be staying here. Nor have they contacted me in return. I did not expect them to. Hermione finally gave in to her colleague Ron's nagging and the two have been going out for about two weeks. It was the same fellow that I saw that morning at the apartment the day after Draco's birthday party. Apparently his younger sister is Draco's roommate. I thought they looked alike; the same red hair, the same freckles and the same eyes. I had met Ron officially and he apologized to me when he had a hangover. I had shrugged and waved it off. So Hermione had a boyfriend now, and it felt like being the third wheel all over again. I often left the apartment to give the two some alone time, even though Hermione had said to me that if I did not want to leave, then they would, but I figured that it was the least I could do. So I met up quite frequently with Draco, since Hermione was with Ron and all.

Tonight Draco had invited me over for a movie, and I was too delighted to go than to consider the fact that Draco only hung out with me because Hermione was unavailable. Draco's roommate was gone for the night; I believe she was going out with a few of her girl friends. I walked over to room number four hundred and twenty and knocked on the door. I had to swallow my tongue and stop my eyes from widening because Draco looked oh, so delicious in tight dark jeans and black wife-beater. Oh, my, those biceps were mouth watering and I will not even mention the equipment I saw in his jeans.

"Come on in," Draco said and motioned for me to enter his apartment. "Looks like we're both the third wheel tonight, huh?"

"Yeah," I said and attempted to smile about it, but let's be honest; if Hermione did not have a boyfriend, Draco would not have invited me over to watch a movie together. He would have watched a movie with Hermione instead of with me. I dropped down on the couch and wondered what movie Draco had in store for tonight. He joined me on the couch with two glasses and gave the one with orange juice to me. I chuckled at the fact that he had remembered that. "Thanks."

"No problem. I went through my entire DVD collection, but I couldn't find a movie that I wanted to watch tonight," he said and looked at me.

"Oh," I replied and looked down at the floor. I put my glass on the coffee table and shrugged lightly. "I can leave if you want?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Draco said and waved me off. "I went through Ginny's collection," he said and waggled his blond eyebrows. He got off the couch, put his glass on the coffee table and disappeared into the bathroom. I suppose Ginny was the name of Draco's roommate. Draco returned shortly with the biggest grin on his face. "Mean Girls," he simply said. "It's such a chick movie, but it seems I'll be able to make fun of the movie anyway."

"OK?" I said a bit hesitantly.

Draco put the disc into the DVD player and hit the play button. He rubbed his hands together and grinned at the TV screen. "Lindsay Lohan is kind of hot," he said.

"I thought you were gay?"

"Oh, I definitely am," Draco nodded and glanced at me. "But that doesn't mean that I can't find women attractive. She's hot in this movie until she hooks up with those popular chicks at her high school. Are those tits real?" he said and cocked his head at the TV where the main character in the movie moved to the US or something. I suppose the movie was a bit funny, even if it was a chick movie, as Draco called it. And yes, Lindsay was an attractive woman until she began hooking up with the popular girls, who were absolutely ridiculous by the way. There was this rather dumb blond girl, a very pretty brunet who let her boyfriend take advantage of her and the leader; a blond bimbo who ate weight gain bars while thinking that it would make her lose weight. Those girls were absolutely pathetic. There was one girl that I liked; Janis Ian. A girl with dark hair and dark make-up, rather boy-ish attitude and her best friend was a gay guy. He wore a lot of pink, and I know that that is a stereotype, but we are led to believe that her friend was gay, since Janis introduces him as 'Damian, who is almost too gay to function'.

"If I were straight, I'd totally do the brunet chick," Draco said.

"You would?" I glanced at the TV and watched the brunet girl smother her lips with lip gloss. It looked disgusting.

"Oh, yeah," Draco nodded. "I'm not into blonds and the leader chick is too bitchy for me. I'd give her a good pounding, and not of the sexual kind. I really can't stand girls like that. Girls should be able to fight back, and I disagree with the not hitting girls thing. Girls can hit back just as much as guys can. If a girl hits me, I hit back, it's as simple as that. Guys shouldn't treat girls like they're made of china."

"I was always taught to respect a girl's feelings and not to touch her body in an inappropriate way."

"I'm not saying that we shouldn't respect a girl's feelings, but I respect a guy's feelings as well. It's these ridiculous gender roles that decide that because women are physically weaker than men that we should treat them like they're delicate. Most girls don't want to be treated like they're delicate flowers, you know? My roommate Ginny, damn, she's a feisty one. She'll hook you in the face if you say something to offend her. She's got a mean right hook and a very accurate one too."

"I will remember that the next time I see her," I said. After the movie was over, I slowly finished my drink, hoping that I could stay a bit longer. Draco turned towards me on the couch and looked at me. "What?"

"Nothing," he shrugged. "How are you? How's the cutting thing?"

"Not as bad as it used to be," I said, though I really did not want to talk about that. "I have not done it in two months, so hopefully I will keep that up."

"Is there a reason that you don't cut yourself anymore? Do you still have that suffocating feeling?" he asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"Sometimes I do," I shrugged. "I do not really want to talk about it if you do not mind. So Hermione finally gave in, huh? I suppose that this Ron fellow must be screaming it from the rooftops."

"If he would do that, Hermione would push him from the rooftops," Draco snorted. "It was about time that she got herself a boyfriend anyway. Ron is a good fellow, if not a bit of a loser. He's got an infamous temper that always gets him in trouble, or so I've heard from his sister. Apparently Ron always liked Hermione, blah blah blah, and now he finally has a chance to prove to her that he's not the idiot Hermione always took him for. Of course I still believe that he's an idiot, an incurable one, and he won't ever be non-idiot to me."

"Yeah," I said. "I saw him at our apartment once. He was hung over and Hermione did not look any better. I am glad that I did not hear them go at it." I shuddered with disgust and took a sip from my orange juice. "How is your love life? Do you enjoy being single or can you not wait to hook up again?"

"Well … I'm thoroughly enjoying being single actually," Draco said and sounded surprised about it. "When you're in a long term relationship things become different, you know? You're living with someone you love and there are certain things that you can't do. I stopped going out to bars when I got serious with my ex. We set rules for each other, because sometimes I would go out and he would stay at home or vice versa. It's a very different life when you live with someone for five years, which in itself it a pretty long time. I like being single at the moment. I've got no obligations to anyone but to myself, so it's good for me. I'm not desperate for a relationship and I'm not going to look for it. If I meet someone then that's great, but I'm not going to cry if I stay single for a few years."

"Do you have a lot of admirers?" I wondered.

"Admirers?" Draco chuckled. "Eh … no, not really. I'm one of those guys that someone needs to get to know better. I don't exactly face the world every day with a smile on my face. A lot of people misjudge me, which is partially to do with the way I look and of course my height. Especially younger kids are easily spooked by someone who is six feet and ten inches tall and looks mean. Remember that kid at the bookstore? He had a heard rumor about me and decided to believe it, and when I have the opportunity to confront them about those rumors, then I'll do it and I don't care if I scare them even more. But admirers? I can't say that I have admirers."

I raised my eyebrows at that. Surely someone as good looking as him would have at least ten people sending him cards and flowers with the question if he would want to go out with them sometime? It was nearing eleven o'clock, thus time for me to go since I had no other reason to stay any longer and I did not know when Draco's roommate would return so I gulped down my glass of orange juice and got off the couch. Draco looked up at me with a slight frown.

"Where are you going?"

"Eh … well … the movie is over and … I was invited to watch a movie and now it is over so I am heading back to my apartment," I said.

"Why don't you stay a little while longer to talk?" Draco said. "We never really get to talk a lot, you know? I want to get to know you better."

"Why?"

"Do I have to have a reason to want to get to know someone better?" Draco chuckled and patted the spot next to him on the couch. "Come on, sit down." I sighed and sat down next to him, which was a lot closer than where I sat previously. "There you go," he said. "So how are you and Seth doing? He's the thoughtful type, isn't he?"

"Er … yeah, he is. We are not together anymore. We have not been together for about a month and a half now."

"Oh, what happened?" Draco asked and crossed his arms over his chest.

I averted my eyes from his curious ones and played nervously with the fabric of my jeans. "I broke up with him because I have stronger feelings for someone else and I did not want to lead Seth on or hurt him more than I already have. I hope I did not hurt him too much."

"Oh, I bet Seth didn't like to hear that. So who is this fellow? Oh, please tell me it's not the kid that hit on you."

"What? Oh, God no," I said and shook my head. "No, I have not seen that kid around for a few weeks now. I thought that it would disappear because I thought that it was something shallow, but I could not stop thinking about this guy. I dream about him, I think about him all the time, but I know that I do not really stand a chance."

"Why not?"

"Well …" How I was I supposed to explain this to the man I desired without giving away his identity? I really did not want to tell Draco that I liked him a lot and that I thought of him every minute of every day. This was not a conversation that I was prepared for and I did not want to have this conversation just yet, if at all. "We are not really friends and he does not really like me and … he only hangs out with me if he has nothing better to do and that kind of hurts knowing that he would not want to hang out with me otherwise. He would never fall for someone like me," I said and shook my head.

Draco appeared to be in thought as he stared at the wooden floor. "You're talking about me right now, aren't you?"

I sighed and got off the couch. "I have to go."

"Harry," Draco said and grabbed me by my arm and turned me around to face him. He tried to say something but he could not find the words he wished to say, it seemed. "Look, I like you, but as a friend. And it's not that I have no desire to get to know you, because I do but you're so different from all the people that I know, so I'm not really sure how to handle that. Sometimes I just let it take its course and see where it goes, and I don't mean to make you feel like you're only good enough when I don't have anything to do."

I nodded and glanced at the hard-wooden floor. I understood where he came from, but I still felt like I was just not good enough because I was too different, or so he said. I think he just does not like me and does not wish to see my face all the time. Perhaps that is the reason why he visits Hermione less often at our apartment? I felt slightly nervous while sitting so close to the one man that was always present in my fantasies. To make matters worse, Draco put his left arm around me and pulled me against him.

"I'm not using you to get through my evening, whatever you may think. It's like I said, you're different from everyone I know, so I'm trying not to upset you like I did when we first met. You looked like I had slapped you in the face," he snorted and squeezed my shoulder.

"Well I kind of felt like you had slapped me in the face," I said and tried to ignore the fact that we sat side to side and that his fingers nearly brushed against my nipple.

"Hmm," Draco said. "This is kind of cozy," he purred.

"Oh, not again," I groaned and moved to the other end of the couch. I gave him a look and huffed inaudibly. "Do not start with the inappropriate comments again."

"I didn't say anything," Draco said and held up his hands in defense. "You need to loosen up a little, Harry. You're such a stiff board like you're not used to any physical contact or something."

"Well, I am not really used to physical contact," I said and frowned. "At least not from friends or anything. My father stopped hugging me when I turned thirteen, after that he only shook my hand and I never hugged my friends. Do you hug your friends a lot?"

"Sure," Draco shrugged. "Men shouldn't be afraid to hug another man, whether it is something friendly or romantic. Women hug each other all the time and they walk around arm in arm. You won't see two guys doing that, because men are supposed to be tough and macho and hetero. Well, screw that. I love my friends and I don't care if they're men or women, gay or straight, if I want to hug them, I will hug them."

"OK," I said. "Calm down." I chuckled and stared at his TV. "Such a strange world I have fallen into."

"Indeed," Draco said and got off the couch. "That is why I am offering you a bottle of beer, my dear friend." He opened the refrigerator and took out two bottles, uncapped them and handed one over to me. "To you, my friend," he said and raised his bottle slightly and took a long swig. "God, I missed this," he murmured and attached his mouth to the bottle again and drained it within seconds. "I need something stronger."

He went back into the kitchen area and opened several cupboards. I sniffed at my bottle, but I could not really tell what smell it had, so I decided to take a small sip. It was alright, I suppose. I do not know why everyone likes beer so much, though I did not tell Draco that. He was pouring himself a glass of water-like liquid, though I knew that it was alcohol. Was he always that much of a drinker? I shrugged and took another swig from my bottle, this time more confidently. Draco dropped down on the couch with his glass and a bottle in his other hand. He looked incredibly sexy. He drained his first three glasses incredibly fast, as if he were drinking water instead of vodka. He tilted his head back and groaned softly with his eyes closed. "There's nothing better than vodka," he said.

I stayed with him for a few more hours and those hours were filled with drinking alcohol until I felt pleasantly buzzed in my head. Draco had drunk far more than I had and he kept staring me which was kind of unnerving. I could not think very clearly anymore and my head swayed to the side. I felt giddy; I think it were those beer bottles that I had consumed. I sat very close to Draco, practically in his lap and he was telling me things he had done and who he had done it with when he was a teenager. For some reason, it was all very funny.

" … It was so stupid," Draco chuckled drunkenly. "There was this jock in my class, real buff guy, thought he was better than the whole goddamn universe itself and he was always very uptight and anyone who touched his ass―accidentally or purposely―during soccer practice got hooked in the face. He was like that. He would threaten to break your fingers if you touched his ass or his crotch for that matter. A slap on the shoulder was fine, but not a slap on the ass. I was seventeen at the time―it was before I got to know Blaise―and I entered the locker rooms while I wasn't even on the soccer team and I caught him showering. His name is James and he's still a very good looking man, just like he was when he was younger. And he was cleaning himself up and he didn't notice me until he came out with a towel around his waist. I said, 'I've seen you looking at me, Listings'. And he was denying everything until I threw him up against the wall and I practically shouted at him―the majority didn't know that I was gay because I'm not obvious―and I kissed him hard on his mouth. And eh … after some time he undid my jeans, felt me up and I turned James around so he faced the wall and I fucked him. It was great," he laughed. "I remember it very well. He was moaning like he got fucked every day and he was so unbelievably tight, it really did a number on my cock. I came so fast …" Draco shook his head and downed his hundredth or so glass. "God, I didn't even use a condom. Or lube."

"How interesting," I said sarcastically. "Have you ever been … fucked?"

"You mean penetrated? No, I never have been penetrated in my life, nor do I have any desire to be. I prefer pushing my cock inside a tight male hole."

"OK," I said and snorted. "So what do you look for in a man?"

"Hmm … that's a good question," Draco said and refilled his glass. The first bottle of vodka was already empty, and this was the second bottle that Draco had opened. It was already mostly empty. "Er … well … he has to be honest. Yes, I find honesty very, very important," he said and pointed his finger at me as if to emphasize it. "Of course, monogamy, who doesn't love monogamy? I want a monogamous relationship and a faithful partner. Yes, that is what I want. What do you want?"

"You," I blurted out. Later on I would blame it all on the alcohol.

"Aw," Draco cooed and smiled at me. "You're sweet. You know, you're pretty cute, that kid was right about that. I remember this one time when I had sex with an older guy and he thought that I was going to bend over for him," he snorted. "Well he thought wrong. He said, 'Get down on all fours', and I said, 'Screw you, you get down on all fours, bitch'. And we had a little battle for dominance. I won because I was taller and I love working out and I started in my teens to build up some muscle, so yeah, I was pretty strong even back then. And this guy, he looked very incredulous because he obviously thought that being the eldest meant that he got to fuck me. Not," Draco chuckled. "I forced him on his hands and knees and quickly put some eh … some, some lube on my fingers and I pushed them into him. He was howling with pleasure, that little asshole. He loved getting fucked. I seldom have relationships with older guys. For some reason I always pick the younger ones. Blaise for example was just a few years younger than I was. He was my first serious relationship." Draco chuckled again and downed his glass. "What do you look for in a guy? Does he have to be religious?"

"No …" I shrugged. "Just … I don' know," I slurred. "I want you." For some reason the words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"You want me yeah?" Draco said and put his empty glass on his coffee table. He leaned against the couch and put his hand on my thigh. He started to rub gently and the closer he got to my crotch, the more I spread my legs for him. Then he leaned in and nipped my ear. I shivered because that was sensitive I noticed; apparently that was one of my pleasure spots. Draco noticed that too and he began to nibble on it. Then he went lower and kissed my neck softly. His hand left my thigh and brushed against my cheek. He turned my face towards him and then the most amazing thing happened: he kissed me. It was so much different from when Seth would kiss me. When Seth kissed me, I felt wanted by someone, even though I preferred to be friends with that someone. With Draco, I was in heaven. I let out a startled gasp when his tongue entered my mouth and I felt a foreign object in his tongue; a tongue piercing. I did not know that he had one, but it added to the pleasure. I noticed that immediately. I was violently attacked by butterflies in my belly and nearly jumped off the couch when Draco slid his hand up to my half erect penis and _squeezed_. No one had ever touched me down there except for myself, but even though I was drunk, I clearly felt the difference of touching oneself and getting touched by someone else. Draco's tongue probed my tongue and kissed me deeply. I restrained myself from slipping my tongue inside his mouth, because I was not sure how he would react to that. The alcohol made me feel freer, so I tentatively touched Draco's bottom lip with my tongue, and when he did not do anything, I got the courage to slip my tongue further in. He kept on kissing me and was apparently not bothered by the fact that I had my tongue in his mouth. Draco's hands wrapped themselves around my waist and pushed me closer to him. I held onto his shoulders while we kissed like there was no tomorrow. I moved a bit on the couch and cautiously placed myself in his lap. The fact that Draco did not throw me off gave me some confidence.

Draco's hands slid down to my buttocks and he squeezed again. My stomach flipped over and over when my erection touched his big one. I had been right about that, and it did not come as a surprise to feel Draco's big manhood. My hips bucked against his when Draco rubbed that spot that was basically sacred to me. I remember touching it twice, once during one of my cutting moments when I had forced two fingers inside it, but it felt a lot better when Draco touched it, and that was only through my jeans.

"Holy shit," I heard someone mutter and a door closed.

I pulled away from Draco and hazily glanced at the person who had spoken. It appeared to be Ginny, Draco's roommate. I groaned as Draco kissed my neck and thrust his hips upward, causing his impressive erection to brush up against me.

"Let's go to my bedroom," Draco muttered and stopped caressing me.

"Hmm," I murmured and climbed off Draco's lap. He took my hand, ignored his roommate, and led me into his bedroom. "I'm tired," I slurred. "Want to sleep."

"OK, we'll go to sleep," Draco said and stripped to his boxers. I had the idea that he was familiar with alcohol and perhaps he was not as drunk as I thought he was. I groaned tiredly and dropped onto the bed. I heard Draco chuckle and I felt him sit down on the bed. He tugged at my shirt and I tried to raise my upper body to make it a little bit easier but for some reason my body felt like stone. I just wanted to lie down and to go to sleep, but Draco kept pulling at my clothes until I only wore my boxer-briefs. He pulled the covers up and pecked me on my lips. "Goodnight."

"Night," I mumbled and fell asleep in no time.

I woke up to the whistles of birds outside and I had a mild headache. I had such a good dream; I dreamed that I made out with Draco on his couch and that we went to his bedroom where I fell asleep in his arms. That felt so good and so real. I could still feel his arms around me from behind. Wait a minute … My eyes snapped open and I looked over my shoulder. Draco lay behind me, fast asleep. How did that happen? Was it not a dream? Had we really kissed? We did not … Did we? I slid my hand down and felt a bit relieved when I felt my underwear. I also did not feel sore from behind. No sex then. His arms were wrapped around my waist and I felt his crotch against my buttocks. I carefully moved his arm and turned around. I did not have the heart to wake him up, but there was no need because he woke up on his own. His stunning gray eyes opened and he smiled at me; a reaction I had not expected.

"Hey," he said softly and reached up with the hand that was wrapped around my waist to cup my cheek. He tenderly stroked my cheek with his fingers and let his fingers dip down into my hair. It felt incredible to be caressed like this. "Are you OK after what happened last night?"

"Nothing serious happened did it?" I frowned and tried to remember more of what had happened, but I could only remember making out with him. Oh, and I climbed in his lap. And I put my tongue in his mouth. "I mean, we did not … you know?"

"No we didn't have sex together," Draco said and supported his head on his hand. "You were tired and you wanted to sleep, so I undressed you and we went to sleep. Do you have a hangover?"

"A little bit," I admitted. God, even when he just woke up, Draco looked gorgeous. It was unbelievable how attractive that man was.

"Do you want an aspirin?"

"Eh …" I rubbed my temples and groaned. "This is not the reaction I expected you to have."

"What reaction was I supposed to have then?" Draco asked.

I snorted and gave him a look. "Come on, you barely like me as a friend. And yesterday night was heavily influenced by too much alcohol. And you said it yourself, you like me, but only as a friend. So how come we kissed, well tongue wrestled is more like it and how come you touched me? You … I … I do not know what to think," I groaned. "First you tell me that you do not like me and the next thing I know your tongue is in my mouth. Was the alcohol? Would you have done it if you had been sober?"

"Well … Eh …" Draco began and sighed. "What happened last night was a mistake, OK? It never should have happened."

"You are the one who initiated it, if my memory serves me right," I said and scoffed. "This is not about your ex is it?"

"What does my ex have to do with this?" Draco asked.

"I know you are still not over what he did to you, but perhaps you should move on with your life. He did the same, did he not?"

"It's too soon for me to move on, Harry," Draco said quietly and sat up. He stood in front of the bed and crossed his arms over his chest. I glanced once, twice, thrice at his crotch, remembering all too well how that felt against me, but this was no time for thinking sexual things. "I have been trying to move on, I've tried kissing other guys, but it never felt right. I couldn't have a one-night-stand with a random guy. I just couldn't. I felt like I would be betraying Blaise if I had sex with someone else."

How could I be angry at this man when he was obviously still so hurt over what his ex had done? I sat up as well and pulled the covers off my body. I approached him and crossed my arms over my belly to hide the scars, even though he knew about them. I looked at the floor and bit my lower lip. "So what was this with me then? Was it an experiment for you to try and find out if you could kiss me without feeling guilty?"

"I don't know. I meant it when I told you that I thought you were sweet and cute, but … God, I just can't do this without feeling guilty. Making out with you felt great and I really enjoyed it, but I feel guilty for doing it."

"Draco, your ex cheated on you and he … _fucked _some chick, twice. You should not feel guilty for wanting to feel good or for trying to move on with your life. You are not to blame here. He is to blame for hurting you," I said. I felt angry at his ex for screwing with Draco like that. How in the name of heaven could he feel guilty while he was the one that got cheated on?

"I know, OK? Let's just have breakfast or something." He walked out of the bedroom in his boxers. I quickly put on my shirt from the day before and joined him. My cheeks felt a little hot when I spotted Ginny, who had seen us going at it on the couch yesterday night.

"Good morning," I said and sat down opposite from her.

"Yes, good morning indeed," Ginny replied with a smirk. "And a very special good morning to you, Draco. You finally got laid, well, it's about goddamn time," she said to Draco's backside. Then she turned towards me and chuckled. "I always have to drag him to all the good clubs and I have to beat the women away from him with a stick. If I tell them that's he's as gay as they come, then they won't believe me, so now we only go out to gay bars. Of course I get hit on by those women, but it's worth seeing Draco get hit on by every guy in the club, but he never takes them home. Where did he pick you up?"

"I was not picked up. I live at apartment number four hundred and four. I have seen you a few times before," I said. "Your brother goes out with my roommate, Hermione Granger."

"Oh, yes, that," she said and sighed. "I wonder how long Ron will be able to keep his dick away from those girls. He is such a player and a loser."

"Yes, I heard," I said dryly. Draco turned towards us with a plate of pancakes and put them on the table. He placed his hand on Ginny's shoulder and looked down at her.

"Harry and I didn't have sex, we just slept together," he said and squeezed her shoulder. He sat down next to me and took one pancake.

"Why not? He's incredibly cute and good-looking," Ginny said immediately and also took one pancake. I stared at the pancakes and bit my lower lip. Draco had not made a lot of pancakes, so it was probably enough for just him and his roommate. That did not bother me, I told myself, and so I folded my hands in my lap. I was not very hungry, mind you, but still.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"No idea," Draco said and yawned. He smothered his pancake with syrup and sugar, creating a sticky, brown mess that looked a bit like mud.

"It's currently almost eleven o'clock," Ginny said and put her cell phone next to her plate on the wooden table. She looked at me. "Aren't you going to eat anything?"

"I imagine that that is just enough for the two of you," I said and pointed at the small pile of pancakes. "I will eat something back at the apartment."

"Honey," Ginny began. "Neither one of us are big eaters in the morning. Trust me; this is more than enough for three people. Draco would always make enough breakfast, especially if we have a guest. So dig in. There's apple syrup and some sugar."

"Oh, thank you," I said. "Can I have a moment to say grace, please?"

Both Draco and Ginny stopped eating and glanced at me. "Sure," Draco muttered.

I smiled gratefully at him and clasped my hands together in front of me. I closed my eyes and said a prayer in my mind. I did not want to take too long to say a prayer and they would most likely roll their eyes if they heard it, so I decided not to say it out loud. After a few seconds I opened my eyes and cleared my throat.

"Yeah? Ready?" Draco said.

"Yeah," I nodded and took a fork and a knife in my hands.

The pancakes were absolutely delicious and the orange juice was fresh and cool from being put in the refrigerator. Breakfast was a silent affair, and it was only too bad that Ginny wanted to know more about what happened last night between me and Draco.

"Nothing happened between us," Draco said. "We kissed and then we went to bed. To sleep," he added when Ginny began to smirk.

"Well, you were doing a lot more than kissing from what I could see last night when I came home," Ginny said. "Your tongue was basically down his throat! And you were feeling up his ass. I'm sure there was some grinding involved as well."

"Fine, believe what you want to believe," he said curtly.

"Oh, honey, please don't tell me that that asshole Blaise Zabini is still the main factor in your life? He cheated on you! And he's withholding you from finding love again. Christ you can't even fuck a guy without thinking of that pathetic cheat!" she growled.

"I know OK!" Draco shouted. "You can't expect me to be over him within a certain time span, Ginny! I was with him for five fucking years. I'm not like you; I'm not going to fuck someone if I feel frustrated!"

"Are you calling me a whore?" Ginny asked dangerously.

"Jesus, listen to yourself," Draco spat. "I need to deal with this on my own in my own time, got it? And you are not going to force me to do it quicker, because I can't do it quicker than this! Not everyone is able to get over a five year serious relationship this quick and I want to be over this without feeling sad because of what that asshole has done to me. And yeah, Harry is cute and good-looking, and what if I would respond to his feelings for me without being over Blaise entirely? He would feel like I would be using him, and I would feel the same. I just can't do it, OK!" His chest heaved with anger and he quickly shoved the remains of his sticky pancake in his mouth. He left the table and went into the bathroom, slamming the door harshly behind him.

"Mr. Malfoy appears to be more sensitive than we would have thought," Ginny murmured. "It seems like this break-up with Blaise affected him more than I anticipated."

"Well what did you expect then?" I asked, trying to sound neutral so she would not hurt me or something. "If he really loved that guy, then no one should expect him to get over it within a few months. It takes time to deal with something like that, and I would imagine that he feels perhaps a bit insecure because his ex cheated on him. It makes you wonder if his feelings were real and all. Trying to force a boyfriend on him is really not going to help him," I said gently to her.

"Oh no? And what about you? You honestly don't think that he sees something in you, do you?" she said snottily. "It appears he likes you better than those hunky guys at the gay bars, but you're just a temporary thing for him anyway, until he sees something better waggle along. And trust me; there are a lot of guys who would bend over for him in seconds if he asked."

"That is not my problem. Yes, I like Draco a lot, but I will not be used by him. And I do not think that Draco would want to use me either."

"What do call what happened last night between you two then? Draco drinks frequently and you appear to be a lightweight if you get drunk off eight bottles of beer. He wasn't as drunk as you thought he was, honey. Men think with their dicks, and Draco has lost his if he ignores tons of hot guys."

"You just do not get it, do you?" I asked. "He does not want one-night-stands, for pity's sake. He wants to get over his ex so that he may find a new lover or a boyfriend or whatever. You cannot solve problems with sex, especially not when they affect him like this."

"You don't even know him," she sniffed and removed herself from the table.

I sighed and stared at my half finished pancake. She was right; I did not know him, not very well at least. And she probably knew Draco very well, what with living with him and all. Draco may not have agreed with her on this particular subject, but she probably did mean more to him than I did. I glanced over my shoulder and stared at the bathroom door. I could try to talk to him, I suppose. I looked ahead of me and saw Ginny's head turned towards the TV. I could at least give it a shot. I got up from my chair and walked over to the bathroom door. I cautiously opened it in case Draco was in there, but he was not, so I walked into the bathroom and knocked lightly on his bedroom door. "Draco? Can I come in?" I got no answer, so I turned the doorknob and opened the door. I peeked inside and saw Draco lying on the bed facing away from me. "Draco?"

"What?"

I closed the door behind me and approached the man. I kneeled on the bed and sighed. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," he said curtly and turned around to face me. "I don't want to take advantage of your feelings for me. I can't do that to you, nor do I want to. I'm not like that."

"I know you're not," I said softly. "Perhaps it is better if I go home, since your roommate and I exchanged a few words," I said and rolled my eyes. "Why can she not understand that some people cannot solve their problems with sex? You should just deal with it on your own instead of screwing everything that is male and walks on two legs."

"Yeah," Draco snorted. He reached out and grabbed my hand in his significantly larger one. "Perhaps it was mostly the alcohol last night, but you have to know that I don't kiss people I don't like."

"So you kiss your friends like that too?" I questioned.

Draco chuckled and stared at the ceiling. "No, I mean … I do like you. As more than a friend, that is. You caught my attention pretty early," he said. "I just don't want to use you to get over Blaise, you know what I mean? If I were to give in to my feelings for you, whatever they are, I could be using you to get over Blaise, and I don't want that. It's not fair to either of us and I couldn't live with myself knowing that I used someone."

"I understand," I nodded.

"I'm glad," Draco said, sounding grateful. "Do you want to go home?"

"Well … I always traditionally eat a slice of apple pie on this day at the baker's," I said. I was reluctant to tell him about my birthday, but I figured why not? It is not like Draco would do anything.

"Why?"

"Because I have turned twenty-one today," I said quietly. "I do not celebrate my birthday anymore," I said before Draco could say anything. "When I turned seventeen, I held a party in the backyard on my birthday and no one showed up save for four people who had said that they would be late. I was on my own for two hours and no one had called, sent me a text message or said in another way that they could not make it. I felt quite foolish then, sitting in a decorated backyard next to the snacks and the drinks. So I vowed to myself that I would never celebrate my birthday again."

"I'm sorry you had such a shitty seventeenth birthday," Draco said and sat up.

I shrugged and pretended that it did not bother me anymore. Strangely enough it still bothered me after all these years. I was just really hurt that no one had come to my birthday back then, and no one told me that they could not make it. Draco wrapped an arm around my shoulders and hugged me. I finally got the comforting hug that I often craved for. And I felt safe in these arms. All my hurt and insecurities went away and I felt good to be in these arms and to be near this person. It felt good to feel his body against me, to hear his breathing, to feel his fingernails trail soothingly up and down my arms and to hear his deep, sensual voice calming me. No human being had ever affected me as much as this man did, and I did not mind one bit.

I spent the rest of the morning lying in Draco's arms in his bed, not sure where to go from here after the things he had said. But that would come later, Draco told me. First he wanted to get dressed and to buy me a slice of apple pie for my birthday. I could not even tell him that I did not want him to do that.


	12. 10 Part X

**Warning: **Some Draco/Harry action in this chapter (kissing/groping)

Part X

At around one o'clock, Draco took me to the best bakery in Chelsea and bought me a slice of apple pie. We sat down at a table for two outside where the sun was shining brightly. I felt an incredible giddy feeling bubbling in my belly because of how I spent the morning. We had talked and Draco told me about his ex and told me in more detail how he had found out that his ex had cheated on him. I thought he might even cry, but he did not. I had rested my head on his chest and trailed my nails up and down his muscled abdomen while he was talking. It felt so incredible and I had never felt anything like this before for someone. I felt like we were two lovers who basked in the afterglow of lovemaking.

"Are you OK?" Draco asked after a while.

"Hmm? Oh, I am fine," I said and took another bite of my apple pie. It was the best slice of pie I had ever had, and I have tasted quite a few apple pies, for I am very fond of apple pie. I am sure I had a silly grin on my face. I would probably not forget the way we lay in bed together, just talking and cuddling, I suppose it was.

"I hope you're not reading too much into what happened this morning," he said and glanced at me.

"Of course not, why would I do that?" I said casually and waved him away, even though my mood went down a little bit. I could tell that Draco apparently thought that I was reading too much into it, and maybe I was, but I could not squash that happy feeling I had. I did get the feeling that Draco found it annoying, so I quickly finished my apple pie and got up from my chair. "Well, thank you very much for the apple pie, that was very sweet of you," I said, trying hard not to make some sappy comment. "I have to go now." And I left before he could say anything. The apartment building was quite close, so I ran up the stairs. My legs became a tad bit more muscled due to running up and down those flights of stairs. I went into the apartment and spotted Hermione sipping something from a glass near the kitchen counter.

"Hey," I said.

"Hello to you too. And where were you last night?" Hermione said in a way of a greeting.

"I was with Draco," I said.

"And what did you and Draco do?"

"We watched a movie together," I said. "Why do you want to know all these things?"

"Because Draco is my best friend and you are my friend too," Hermione shrugged. "Aren't I allowed to know what's going on between my friends? So you watched a movie together, huh? Which one was it? I suppose since yesterday was a Friday, that either means that you and Draco watched a chick movie, or a drama movie."

"It was a chick movie," I said. "How do you know?"

"Honey, I've known Draco for a very long time," Hermione said and smiled at me. "Was it … _Mean Girls_?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Draco is pretty transparent then if you know that."

"Oh yeah," Hermione snorted. "So …" she began hesitantly. "Did anything happen that made you sleep over at his place? I'm a light sleeper too, Harry. I can hear it when someone doesn't come home and when they do come home."

I looked at her, praying that I did the right thing by telling her the truth. But what if she got angry at me? Oh, God, what if she accused me of trying to steal away her best friend? Or trying to take advantage of him because he was still very hurt? No one really knows until I tell, right? I took a deep breath, and pointedly avoided her warm brown eyes. "After the movie we talked and he offered me a beer," I shrugged. "We drank a lot, he told me a few interesting things that he did back in high school―"

"Did he tell you about James Listings?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"He always tells that story when he's had a little bit too much alcohol," Hermione said. "Go on."

"Then we sort of told each other what we looked for in a man," I said. "And then we … made out and … stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" I heard Hermione say quietly. I knew it; she was angry.

"Well, he touched me, down … you know?" I pointed at my pelvis area.

"He touched your cock?"

"Penis," I corrected and promptly blushed. I have been blushing a lot lately, especially around Draco. "Eh … then he … squeezed _that_. And eh … I sort of climbed into his lap and he touched my … you know?"

"Ass?"

"Buttocks," I corrected again, still finding it very hard to look her in the eyes. "Then he touched my … you know? That … eh …"

"Your hole?" Hermione said.

"Yeah," I squeaked. I drew in a shuddering breath, fortunately and unfortunately remembering how that felt. "Then his roommate came home."

"Oh, great," Hermione snorted. "Sorry, go on."

"He took me to his bedroom and I told him that I wanted to go to sleep, so we went to sleep. That is it. Well, not entirely," I said. "The next morning, the three of us had breakfast and Ginny thought that Draco had picked me up at a bar and she congratulated him for finally getting laid. Then Draco got angry and snapped at her and said that he could not do it with a guy because of his ex and then they both got mad and Draco left. I tried to talk with Draco and we ended up in bed, cuddling and he was talking about his ex, and how much that hurt and that he felt guilty if he did stuff with other guys," I said.

"Wow," Hermione said. "So now what? Does he have feelings for you?"

I looked up at her and felt surprised that she did not tell me to stay the hell away from her best friend. "When we were drunk he told me he did not, and the next morning he told me he did. I do not think he does though," I said, shaking my head. "Most people tell the truth when drunk, so Draco could have just said he had feelings for me to make me feel better or something. I never got the feeling that he feels more for me. He comes here less frequently and let's be honest, if you did not go to your boyfriend's place, then Draco would have never invited me to watch a movie. He would have invited you."

"Perhaps," Hermione said.

I opened the refrigerator and took out a jug of orange juice. "I am not expecting him to do anything. I am probably reading too much into it anyway and I think that annoys him." I reached for the cupboard which held mugs and glasses in it and took a glass out.

"Probably," Hermione said.

I bit my lower lip and uncapped the jug. Hermione knew Draco best; if she thought I was annoying him, then Draco surely felt that way too. She probably thought it best to just forget the entire thing and to stop bothering Draco. I am sure he thought me a lovesick school girl fawning over some famous guy she could never have. I felt like that girl; there was a guy I liked very much, but he would never see me as more than a friend, I am convinced of that now. And perhaps he just cuddled with me because we are sort-of-friends? I mean, he hugs his actual friends too. Perhaps we are friends then.

But the sentence 'You will always want more with him than that' spooked through my head. I would just have to live with that then, I decided.

I spent the entire afternoon trying hard not to think of my parents; this was the first time they were not there for my birthday. I told myself that I did not mind, but I knew that I did mind. I felt all the more lonely without my parents today; I felt like I was seventeen again, waiting for two hours for friends who never showed up. Sometime around four o'clock someone knocked on the door. I was not expecting anyone and Hermione was gone with her boyfriend. I opened the door and raised my eyebrows slightly at the tall figure of Draco that stood in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" Draco asked.

"Er, sure," I said and opened the door for him. My adolescent brain thought of something else though. Opening up my body for him … Hmm … He followed me to the couch and sat down next to me. "So, what is it?"

"Well, I decided to have a conversation with Ginny after you left this afternoon," he said. "I explained very clearly to her what I wanted and what I didn't want to do. I don't want to force myself onto anybody, especially if I'm not ready for that or if I don't want to. She told me she understood, and I know she only wants to help me."

I did not know what to say to that, so I did not say anything. I did not think that Ginny understood what Draco wanted, but that is my opinion. I thought Ginny could be one of those girls who might like Draco as more than a friend and if no girl could have him, no one could. She seemed like the jealous type, someone who wanted control, but what did I know? I did not know her, and it seemed like Draco knew her for a long time. It is wrong of me to draw conclusions like this about someone I did not know, but that was the vibe I got from her this morning. I turned my attention back to Draco when I realized that he was still talking.

"―and she told me she's just looking out for me."

"U-huh," I said. "I am sorry, but I cannot just believe that. I did not get the impression that she is just looking out for you this morning. She seemed jealous or something. Why would she think it strange that you are not like other guys and drowning your sorrows in sex? Is it really that strange that men nowadays deal with their feelings instead of pretending that they are emotionless?"

"Harry, I know Ginny," Draco said. "She's my friend. Why would she be jealous? I'm gay."

"Exactly," I said. "What if she has a crush on you and her love goes unanswered because you're gay? If she can't have you then no one can have you, right?"

"She never gave me the feeling that she's in love with me or something," Draco said.

I shrugged because I did not know what else to say to him and I did not know if he would get angry if I told him more of my thoughts on his roommate. If he insisted that she was not in love with him, then it was probably the truth if he did not get that vibe from her. "OK," I simply said. I did not want Draco to think that I was trying to mess with his and Ginny's friendship. "I hope you did not tell anyone that today is my birthday?"

Draco shrugged as if he did not really want to answer that question. "I might have told Marc, Sirius, and Hermione," he said. "And they may just knock on your door in a few."

I groaned and sighed. "I do not celebrate my birthday anymore, I told you that. And I do not want to celebrate it either."

"Yes, you did tell me," Draco said with a slight smile. "I couldn't help myself, I'm sorry. We're planning to take you to a club tonight. I wasn't supposed to tell you that, but Hermione will tell you later when she comes back. As a 'surprise'," he said, using air-quotes. I have never seen him using air-quotes before. It looked pretty funny. He caught me staring into his eyes and he returned my stare. I found myself leaning into him. My eyes focused on his lips and I stood so close to him that I could almost touch him. I was afraid that if I would actually touch him, that he would push me away. But he leaned down instead. I thought he looked questioning, as if he was wondering what he was doing. Hell, I wondered what I was doing. The moment our lips touched, it was like I felt sparks. My body responded so quickly to his touch, I felt like it was on fire. I wrapped my arms around his neck as we moved in for a deeper kiss. His tongue in my mouth felt so good and that piercing was very erotic, while I am not really big on tattoos, piercings or other body decorations. I did not even think twice when I put my tongue in his mouth. Apparently he did not mind when he was sober either. His arms slipped around my waist and he pulled me closer to him. I felt my stomach doing flips in my body and I felt heat traveling down to my groin. I wanted him to touch me so badly, I wanted to feel pleasure, and I wanted him to make me feel good. I had to stand on my toes to kiss him, and now that I knew Draco better, I did not find his height so intimidating.

He turned and took a few steps forward, and I automatically did a few steps back. I felt the black sofa against my buttocks and Draco pulled my thigh up. I knew what he wanted, so I put my leg around his waist, which I could almost not reach because he is so tall. I wrapped my other leg around his waist and literally clung to him. I was beginning to get very aroused and I would probably not mind too much if Draco decided to do me on the sofa. Suddenly Draco leaned forward and I slid onto the sofa while he climbed on top of me. I put my legs back around his waist as he started to thrust his penis against mine. The friction was too much, it was too good. I broke the kiss to release a wanton moan I had never made before, but that did not really enter my mind at that time. I was too busy enjoying the feel of Draco against me, of his lips against mine, of his tongue sliding against mine. Then he moved his hand in between our two bodies and touched my hard erection through my jeans.

"Oh!" I moaned and thrust my hips up into his hand. I heard Draco breathing heavily next to me while he was feeling me up. "Draco," I moaned. "Draco, what are we doing?" Draco answered by shoving his tongue into my mouth and by squeezing my erection. I groaned deeply and put my hand on Draco's to make him touch me more.

"Holy shit," someone said somewhere in the background and the spell was broken. Draco raised his head to look around while he still had his hand on my penis. There stood Hermione and her boyfriend―who had a red face and he was looking anywhere but at us―and Marc and his boyfriend stood there too in the living area watching us getting it on. My eyes felt heavy from arousal while both me and Draco were looking at the visitors.

"Hi," I said huskily. My head was still caught in a hazy cloud and I could not really think clearly. All I wanted was to get off, but that was kind of not happening right now with people watching and I do not think that Draco would have wanted that to happen. Perhaps he thought of this as a mistake, just like what he called our first drunken kiss last night. My breathing sounded erratic and my heart was beating wildly in my chest. If I wanted to get off, I would have to do it myself in the shower or something. I did not want to move, because I rather liked the way Draco's erection was pushed against mine, and if he moved in the slightest bit, I felt that very well and it made my toes curl.

"Looks like we got here too early," Hermione said. "Do feel free to continue." Everyone who stood in the room just looked at her, including her red-faced boyfriend. "What?" she asked. "It's hot."

Marc and Sirius nodded a bit at that. Hermione's boyfriend squeaked a little. He did not seem like the confident jock he usually was at this moment. Draco still had not said a word. I forced myself to put my legs down and I pushed lightly against Draco's shoulders to make him move. He turned towards me and I thought that he was either going to kiss me or to strangle me. I could not read his emotions off his face, but I knew that I had gone too far this time.

"Er … do you guys need a moment?" Marc asked. "We can wait outside for you while you get yourselves together," he added.

I nodded feebly and sat up on the sofa once Draco backed off a little. The guys and Hermione left and closed the door behind them and we were left in silence. "What the hell was that?" I asked when I had mustered up enough courage.

"That was us making out and me groping you," Draco said.

Well, yeah, that was exactly what it was. "Was that a mistake too?" I asked him. "You seemed to want it as much as I did and if you did not, then you should have pushed me away or something."

"Are you going to keep doing this? Should I expect an attack from you every time I come here?"

"No, of course not," I said. "I was not the only one doing the kissing, Draco."

Draco ignored that and walked up to the door. He opened it and I saw Hermione, Ron, Marc and Sirius standing near the door. I have no doubt that they were eavesdropping. Marc and Hermione marched into the apartment and flopped down next to me.

"Hi honey," Marc said and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Happy twenty-first birthday," he said and pecked me on the cheek. I was a little bit shocked since no man had kissed me―on the cheek or mouth―on my birthday before.

"Thank you," I said and nodded at him. "I am sorry for what you walked in on," I added.

"Don't apologize, sweetie, it was hot," Marc said and winked. "Am I feeling some hot lovin' in the air? Draco? You never said anything," he said and looked at him.

"There's nothing to say about it," Draco said indifferently.

"Oh come on, you're not the type to do the kind of stuff you did with Harry if it means nothing," Marc said.

"Just stop mentioning it, OK?" Draco said and left the apartment. I watched him leave and licked my lips. They were still tingling.

"You like him don't you?" Sirius asked.

I nodded. "I am surprised that none of you―except for Hermione then―has not seen that yet."

"Well, I did think that sometimes you looked longingly at Draco," Marc said. "But I didn't know if you really liked him or if you were just interested in him."

"Please do not tell him this, but I think I might be in love with him," I said.

"That's serious man," Marc said. "But I guess I understand where you're coming from. Draco is someone who is easy to befriend or to fall in love with if you're getting to know him. Draco is one of the few people I know that are just as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Let's face it, Draco is a very beautiful man, and he is very friendly and caring to those he considers as his friends. I've been his friend for a very long time now and while I never was interested in him in a romantic manner, we are affectionate towards each other. I see Draco as a brother of sorts, and he's been there for me when I was going through a difficult period in my life. When I caught Jason―my ex―fucking some twink he had picked up, I was heartbroken. Jason was my first love, and it was around three o'clock in the morning when I caught him and I just left home and went to Draco's apartment. He let me in without asking what the hell I was doing waking him up like that at three in the morning. He made us a pot of coffee and he asked me if I was OK. Eventually I started crying and told him what I had seen and I crashed at his place."

"Did you sleep in bed together?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," Marc said with a bit of a sigh. "You don't have to feel threatened by another dominant male, Sirius," he said and rolled his eyes.

"That's not what I meant," Sirius replied and rolled his eyes as well.

Marc did not say anything to that and turned back to me. "He comforted me even though I woke him up. He's the best friend a guy or woman can have. And that's why people easily fall in love with him. Women already don't stand a chance because Draco is sexually attracted to men. And Draco rarely hooks up with someone he considers as a friend because he doesn't want to mess with the friendship that already exists. And he is still getting over his ex Blaise. He feels guilty if he tries something with a guy and Draco is the type that wants to take care of his partner, he is loyal, faithful and trusting and his ex cheating on him really did a number on his self-esteem. He wonders why his ex cheated on him and stuff like that. I have not yet seen him do the things he did with you yet. He hasn't really expressed any interest in other men, except in you then."

"Something similar happened yesterday evening when we had a little too much alcohol. His roommate walked in on us and I slept over at his place last night. He told me this morning that it was a mistake and that he still felt guilty for doing stuff with guys because of his ex," I said. "He told me he liked me only as a friend but when we were drunk he kissed me and touched me."

"Where did he touch you then?" Marc asked. "Was it something innocent or did he go for the jackpot?"

I blushed and looked down at my lap. "He went for the jackpot."

"Draco does not usually do that, not even when he's drunk," Marc said and shared a look with Hermione, who shrugged in return. "I don't want to give you false hope, but you're actually the only one who Draco does this with, you know, kissing, caressing, that sort of stuff."

"That does not really say much," I said.

"You're right, it doesn't," Marc said. "But still."

"Yeah," I said and shrugged. "I already heard about what you guys are planning tonight, and I am not really looking forward to it guys. I do not really like going out to clubs and stuff."

"Oh, but this isn't just a club," Hermione said. "It's a very popular place where gay people can meet other gay people and they can hook up if they want to. There's no dancing, no loud music, just loads of tables, enough alcohol and lots of hot men who are all looking for a new friend or a boyfriend. We thought you might appreciate that more."

"Oh," I said. That did change some things. It made me curious to this place and perhaps I could forget about Draco for one night. "Is Draco coming along?"

"Er … well, we did tell him about it, and I think he'll be there tonight," Marc said, sounding apologetic.

"I will try to enjoy myself as much as possible," I said. "And perhaps Draco and I should talk about what happened."

"That would be wise," Marc said. "It was really hot though," he added in a whisper and threw me a wink. Sirius, who sat next to him, snorted.

They picked me up around nine thirty in the evening. They did not tell me to wear fancy clothes or something similar, so I just picked out something casual, but not boring either. Marc, Sirius, Hermione, Ron and I went to this place called _the Virgin_. Upon seeing the name of the place in neon pink letters, Ron said, "Though I don't think that anybody there actually is a virgin."

I felt my cheeks heat up when he had said that. I was probably the only virgin there and it never bothered me before, until now. Draco was not here with us, so I think he either was there already, or he would come later. We crossed the street and went inside _the Virgin_. There was no bouncer, no one to check the IDs of whoever entered, and we entered a big room with a bar and a lot of tables and chairs. There were a lot of people there already, even though it was barely a quarter to ten. Music was playing softly in the background, and we were still able to communicate with one another, which I liked better than loud techno music gays are supposed to love. I prefer to listen to classical music, thank you. We sat down at a table for six and there was an empty chair next to Ron and Sirius. I still do not know Marc or Sirius very well, but I liked hanging out with them. They are really happy with each other and I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I used to think such a thing disgusting. Love between two men was not disgusting. Actually, I always felt my chest tighten in a bad way when a man and woman kiss or do worse stuff to each other, but that is me.

Ron―Hermione's jock and pro-gay boyfriend―looked a bit uncomfortable to be around so many gay men, because he kept looking around and glancing over his shoulder as if he was afraid he would get attacked by a herd of gay men. I wondered how in the world Hermione could look at all that red hair and those freckles. I preferred light blond and pale, smooth skin over freckles. I quickly shut off that train of thought. I looked around me and saw a lot of different men and I noticed that none of them looked like the fags my father always told me they looked like. There was not one man that wore make-up or looked slutty or anything like I had been told for so long. Of course I already knew that gay men were not the people my father described them as, but it made me think of it now that I saw all these men. And among all those men, I spotted a very tall man with very light blond hair and I just knew that it was Draco before I had seen his face. He was talking to some younger guy, who looked up at him shyly, submissively almost and I kind of recognized myself in this younger guy. I had often averted my eyes to the floor whenever Draco stood near me or was talking to me and I could not speak three sentences without stuttering and blushing.

"Oh, Mr. Adonis has already caught a guy, has he?" Hermione said. Apparently she had seen him too.

"Why, Hermione, you almost sound jealous," Marc said.

"Am not," Hermione said. "He has never been to his club anymore since he broke it off with Blaise, and now he's here talking to some guy who he's going to make out with in a few minutes or seconds. Mark my words," she said and pointed her finger at him. "Not that I don't find guy on guy action hot or anything, but he's acting a bit weird."

"Perhaps he's acting weird because of the stuff he did with Harry," Marc said. "Have you ever seen Draco getting it on with someone after Blaise? I haven't and it's been more than three months since their break-up and not once has Draco touched another guy in a romantic or sexual way and he had his tongue down Harry's throat this afternoon! I think Draco is ignoring his feelings and he wouldn't use Harry to get some sexual relief. He can't even kiss a guy without feeling guilty, and he seemed really into it with Harry."

Hermione shrugged and glanced over her shoulder. "I think Draco might be attracted to Harry, but perhaps he feels guilty, though I can't imagine why he would feel guilty. Who knows what goes on in that mind of his?"

"You know how much Draco loved Blaise, Hermione," Marc said. "I can understand why Draco isn't able to really move on."

"I can too, but it isn't necessary for him to ignore what he feels," Hermione replied. Then she turned to her boyfriend. "Are you OK, Ron?"

"Fine," Ron answered, though he shifted uncomfortably on his chair.

Sirius snorted, at which Marc elbowed him in his side. Then suddenly a guy approached our table wearing a tight white shirt and he wore a black apron around his waist. "Marc Dawson," he said. "Long time no see. What are you doing here?"

"My friend Harry here turned twenty-one today," Marc said and squeezed my shoulder. "We thought it would be nice to take him here so he could see for himself that not all gay men are promiscuous but also want to find love and all that bullshit. Right Harry?"

"Right," I nodded.

The guy turned towards me. "Happy birthday, Harry," the waiter said. He extended his hand towards me, and I took it. He leaned down and kissed me twice on my cheeks.

"Thank you," I said.

"Can I get you a drink on the house?" he asked.

"Er, OK. I would like a coke please."

"OK, I'll be right back."

"Oh," Marc said when the waiter turned his back on us. "Mr. Waiter seems to be interested in our Harry. How do you like that, Harry?"

"He is interested?" I asked and frowned. "How could you tell?"

"Well, he winked at you," Marc said. "And he just glanced over his shoulder and looked at you."

"He did?"

"Oh, and Draco just saw the exchange too," Marc said and looked into Draco's direction. "And he's ignoring it. Sometimes I don't understand him."

"Ah, just let him be," Hermione said. "It's Harry's birthday today and we're going to make him forget about Draco for one night. Oh, look, there's that cute waiter again."

The waiter approached our table with one coke in his hand. He put the glass in front of me and winked at me. I looked down at my lap and thanked him for the drink. All this attention from the men made me feel new things. At first I thought that men would not like me, but apparently there were a few that did like me, or at least seemed interested in me. After some time Marc and Sirius went to a table on their own and I wondered what they were going to do. A couple of seconds later, they started making out. Then Hermione and her boyfriend went to another table and I was left alone, but not for long. The waiter approached me again and sat down next to me.

"What do you think of this place?" he asked.

"It is not what I had expected when my friends told me we were going to a club," I said and looked into his blue eyes.

"Is that a good thing, or …?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "That is a good thing. I do not really like to go out, you know? But this is a lot different than I had expected. It is nice."

"Let me introduce myself. My name is Mike, and obviously I'm a waiter here."

"Obviously," I said. "Nice to meet you, Mike."

"Nice to meet you too," he said and I almost snorted. I found it obvious that this guy wanted something from me, but I was not interested in the least. So much for not thinking about Draco for one night. He was always on my mind and it did not matter what I was doing. I turned around towards Draco and saw―much to my shock―that he was kissing some guy. He was shoving his tongue down that guy's throat and he was touching him. Draco touched that guy like he touched me this afternoon. I did not like watching Draco kiss someone else. I turned to the guy that sat next to me and I asked him to tell me more about the club. He told me that he had seen many people meet their partners and that people like this club so much because it is different. He told me that there were also a few heterosexual people that came here, but not many straight men dared to enter gay territory, unless they were either very open-minded or just confident with their own sexuality. Still, this is America, conservative and all that. After some time I did forget about Draco for a while and focused on Mike, who was really nice, but I was not really interested in him.

"You're not interested, are you?" Mike asked knowingly.

"What? Oh, but I think you are very nice," I said and nodded. "It is just … you know … Today is my birthday and no one was supposed to screw it up. There is this guy that I like a lot and he is kissing other guys and I do not really like that to be honest."

"That's understandable," Mike said. "Look, I thought you were cute, so I approached you. Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No, please stay," I said. "I would like to talk to you, though should you not go back to the bar?"

"Naw, my colleague Kim took over when I told her that I'd relax for a bit," Mike said.

We ended up chatting for most of the night. I managed not to think too much of Draco and genuinely liked talking to Mike. I learned that Mike likes to work with people and children and that he hopes to adopt a few kids in the future with a partner. He told me that he loves children and that he would like to give better homes to a few of them. I told him that I wished to do the same. Then Mike said that he had to use the restroom and that he would be back in a few minutes. As soon as Mike had left, Draco dropped down next to me.

"Are you having fun?" were the first words that came out of his mouth.

"It certainly seems as if you are having fun with that guy," I could not help but point out rather bitterly.

"Oh, that's Jake," Draco said. "He's a good kisser."

"I do not really want to know that," I said. I felt hurt that he could speak so casually to me about such things. Draco knew that I liked him.

"Mike is a nice fellow, isn't he?" he asked.

"Yes, he is nice. Why are you kissing that guy in front of me? You know I like you," I said.

"We're not together, are we?" Draco asked. "I can do whatever I want."

I nearly gaped at that. "Are you serious?"

"I'm extremely serious," he answered with a straight face.

"We have to talk about what happened, Draco," I insisted. He just looked at me and said nothing. "Or was this something you can easily forget and move on from?"

"You're reading way too much into this," he said and got up. In my frustration, I got up also and grabbed his arm. I am not one to resolve to physical violence or anything, but right now he was making me angry.

"Do you do such things with everyone then?" I asked angrily. "What is your problem anyway? Can you not get over the fact that you might be interested in someone, even though you feel 'guilty' for what happened with your ex? I do not understand that from you. Why do you feel guilty? Just move on for heaven's sake! He did the same! He is probably screwing that girl a hundred times a day since you kicked him out and what are you doing? You are still whining and feeling sorry for yourself, and sure, it was a shitty thing of him to do, but that does not mean that you can put your life on hold because your little boyfriend cheated on you! It has been almost, what, four months and you are still whining and saying that everything you do with another guy is a mistake, and blah blah blah. What the hell do you want anyway?" I shouted. "And do you honestly think that your roommate is just looking out for you? She probably wants you for herself, but that is not going to happen because you are a fag! She almost seemed jealous that morning when the three of us had breakfast and she heard from you what happened between us. She looked ready to kill me, because she is probably lusting for you herself. You are so blinded by your self-pity that you cannot see that." I was nearly panting after that rant and just then I realized that Draco looked very, very angry. Then something happened that I will never forget: he hit me. He hit me in the face and just like I had speculated a few weeks ago, he is very strong. My jaw throbbed in pain and I felt paralyzed on the spot. Then I also realized that I was sitting on the floor, looking up at him while holding my jaw. I was so stunned. I watched him walk away while Marc rushed towards me and knelt down beside me.

"What happened? Are you alright?"

I kept staring at the spot where Draco had stood while Marc and his boyfriend helped me up. "He hit me," I whispered.

"It's turning red," Marc said and gently touched the sore spot near my chin. "That will bruise, honey," he said. "What the hell happened? What did you say to him that caused him to hit you?"

"I said some things I should not have said," I said. "I want to go home. Where is Hermione?"

"She's gone to the ladies restroom with her boyfriend. They're probably fucking," Sirius said. "We'll take you home."

My head finally cleared once I stepped into the cool night air. I anxiously looked around to see if Draco was still lurking there somewhere, waiting to get me alone to hit me some more. Well, I did not say very nice things to him. Marc and Sirius escorted me back to the apartment building and walked me back to number four hundred and four. They bid me goodnight and I quickly shut and locked the door once they went away. I forced myself to breathe while my heart was pounding in my throat. My jaw felt numb and I am sure that I would have a nice bruised jaw tomorrow. Perhaps Hermione has some of that make up to cover it up.

It also hurt on an emotional level. Like I have said a million times, I like Draco very much. I might even love him, or be in love with him, or whatever the difference is between those two. I get that he got angry because of the things I said, and maybe I should not have said it like that, but I could not kept my mouth closed anymore. And that jab about his roommate was pretty low. What was done is done.

I went into the bathroom to look at my jaw and indeed the spot where Draco had hit me was already reddening. I sighed to my reflection in the mirror and felt annoyed by that nest of hair. I would cut it off, I decided. Wearing my hair in a ponytail made me feel even more of a girl, so the hair would have to go. It made me look younger, the longer hair I mean. I was twenty-one now, and I wanted to stop looking to 'innocent' and 'young'. Perhaps Draco just did not like me. I would stop trying then, starting now.


	13. 11 Part XI

Part XI

The following morning, I first went into the bathroom to check up on my jaw. It had turned red, blue and yellow overnight. Great. It was a rather big spot that would be hard to cover up. At least Draco had not knocked any teeth out of my mouth. My jaw hurt even more now than it did yesterday night. It would be better to avoid him and his roommate, because I do not doubt that Draco told her what I had said about her. I went into the kitchen area and made myself a pot of coffee. I had not heard Hermione come in last night, so I think she was with her boyfriend again, who happened to be the older brother of Draco's roommate. Just when I thought my day could not get worse, someone knocked on the door at ten in the morning. I do not know who would knock on the door at ten in the morning, but I would soon find out. I prayed that it was not Draco though.

I opened the door wide enough for me to see who was on the other side of the door, and the person I saw there was someone I had least expected to see here in Manhattan. "Mother," I said and opened the door wider. "Come in." My mother stepped inside and looked me over once and I could already imagine her jumping to conclusions. I probably looked like a wreck to her; wild hair, bruised jaw, skinny frame with a lot of scars on my belly and I probably did not smell too good either. "Would you like some coffee too? I was just going to make a pot."

"Yes, please," mother said in her London accent. "And do put some clothes on, son."

"Sorry," I murmured and left for my bedroom to put some clothes on. I picked something casual, but not too boring. My new clothes were a bit different from the ones I had brought to New York. I do not know if I failed to mention that Hermione and I went shopping together? She made me buy some new clothes that actually looked pretty nice. I had a new pair of jeans that were pretty low and hugged my buttocks nicely. Hermione told me that I had a nice body for those kinds of jeans. I also put on a new shirt that was a little bit tighter than what I am used to, but it looked good nonetheless. It accentuated my slim torso, but it did not make me look anorexic. I brushed my teeth, dragged a comb through my hair, but it still flew into every direction, so I did not bother with hair products. I met my mother back in the kitchen area and I noticed that she was already looked disdainfully around the apartment.

"Whom are you sharing your apartment with, son?" she asked.

"With a twenty-four year old woman," I said and took out two mugs from the cupboard. "Her name is Hermione Granger and she is very nice."

"Do you like her?"

"Sure I like her," I said and shrugged. "She showed me around the city and she told me a few things and introduced me to her friends and stuff. She is a good friend."

"Just a friend?" mother asked.

I turned towards her and knew what she was getting at. "Mother, I meant what I said on the phone. I cannot change my feelings and they will not go away. I have tried to ignore them for about seven years and I can honestly say that those seven years were the unhappiest years of my life. It did not make me happy to try to change who I am. And if you are here to try to change my mind, then you can leave again."

"Watch your tone, young man," mother said. "I came here because you turned twenty-one yesterday. I was one day delayed, so unfortunately I could not be here on your actual birthday. How did you get your jaw bruised if I may ask?"

"Someone hit me," I simply said and poured my mother a cup once the coffee machine was done.

"And why did this person hit you?"

"Because I said some things that were not very nice mother," I said and rolled my eyes when I stood with my back towards her. I poured myself a mug of coffee and carefully took a sip. It hurt when I had to move my mouth, but there was nothing I could do about that. I sat down opposite from my mother at the wooden table and we did not speak until she cleared her throat.

"Happy birthday, Harry," she said quietly.

I looked at her and all I saw was a woman who was never going to accept me. I tried to see the sweet and caring woman of a few years ago, but I could find no such thing. This woman was very disappointed in me and she probably came with a different reason as well. She could have called me or sent me text message to congratulate me with my birthday, but I had not heard from her since the last time we spoke on the phone several weeks ago. I am glad that my father did not come with her to 'rescue' me. I know very well how he is and how he thinks. And I had not forgotten the words he spoke to me on the phone. I was an abomination according to him and his son was dead. That did not hurt me as much as I thought it would. "Thank you, mother," I said.

My mother nodded curtly at me and took a sip from her coffee. Her long skirt looked flawless and she herself looked flawless as well. She was still a beautiful woman with red hair and gorgeous green eyes, but that was all there was. Her views and beliefs would not let her make friends with anyone around here. "I also came here to see how you were doing."

"I am doing fine," I answered.

"That bruise on your jaw begs to differ," mother said. Eventually she sighed. "I did not like the way we left things when we spoke on the phone. You're only twenty-one, you can't possibly know what you want. And what you claim to feel … honey that is just a phase."

"Mother, do not start with that now," I said. "I know very well what I feel, OK? I have been feeling these things for a very long time and I am not going to make myself unhappy because you will be happier. I am not going to do that again. This is not a phase."

"How can you be so sure?"

"How can you be sure that you like men?" I asked.

"I'm a woman, it's only natural of me to be attracted to men," she said.

"Who made that rule? Did God make it? Or did society make that rule? I like men in the same way that you like them, mom. It is not any different."

"Yes, it is different," she insisted. "You are a man."

"So?"

That had my mother quiet. "It's not natural," she said nearly in a whisper.

"According to whom, mom? To you or to the things you believe in? The Bible says that God loves everybody and I believe that He does. He has created us after his image and there must be a reason why we exist."

"I'm sorry, but I can't believe that," mother said. "I had wanted to try to convince you to come home. I wanted to try to make you see that this lifestyle isn't healthy for you. Why must you be so persistent with your attitude? Why can't you see that you won't find happiness, or God forbid, love?"

"You do not think that I can find love?" I asked.

"Two men can't love each other like that, Harry."

"You do not know that, mother."

"Yes, I do!" she said.

I shook my head at her and sighed softly. "I am in love with a man, mother." She looked shocked at this confession.

"You don't know what you feel," she said.

"Yes, I do mother. I know very well what I feel," I replied.

"I can't accept this, Harry. I want you to come back home. This environment isn't healthy for you, why can't you see that?" she asked.

"This environment helped me more than you and father have done. If you can't accept me, then I would like you to leave," I said. I was not angry, but I was sad and disappointed that she failed to see that women could not make me happy and that just because I was a man that I had to like women. Then suddenly I heard knocking on the door. I wanted to finish this conversation with my mother, but the person on the other side was very persistent. I glanced once at my mother, who returned my stare and walked up to the door. I opened the door, even though I felt a bit annoyed. That annoyed feeling died away completely when I saw who stood opposite from me; it was Draco. When I saw him standing there, my jaw began to throb. "Why are you here?"

"I came here to apologize," he said and my eyebrows went up. I had not thought that Draco would apologize so quickly, if at all.

"That is alright," I said. "The things I said were not very nice."

"I shouldn't have responded so aggressively," Draco said and reached out and gently touched my sore jaw with his fingers. "I'm sorry."

"It is alright, really," I said. "Hey, look, um … I am kind of busy right now."

"Oh, do you want me to come back later? Or not at all?" he asked and pulled his hand back.

"You can come back later today. My mom is here," I added quietly.

"Oh, really?" Draco asked and seemed curious for he looked into the apartment. "Tough lady," he whispered.

"Yeah," I snorted. "At this rate she will be gone before dinner, so if you come back around that time …"

"Then we can talk," he said and nodded. He turned around and walked down the hall to his own apartment. I closed the door behind him. I turned back towards my mom and dropped down opposite from her.

"Who was that man?" mother asked.

"He is the best friend of my roommate," I answered and crossed my arms over my chest. "I am not going back, mother."

"Very well," she said and heaved a sigh. "I hope you will see the error of your ways." She stood up from the chair and went for the door. "I'm disappointed in you."

I did not reply and showed her to the door. I was disappointed in turn that she could not see how much happier I was here.

Draco came around four o'clock, about an hour and a half after my mother had left. I led him into the living area and left a good amount of space between us. I was not afraid of Draco, because I had gotten to know him much better, but that punch did scare me. We just looked at each other for a few seconds.

"I didn't know your mom was British," he said.

"She met my father in the US when they were both students. They fell in love, she moved to Virginia to where my father lived, they married and had me," I said and sighed. "She does not accept me. She said that she was disappointed and that she hopes that I will see the error of my ways." I snorted at that, though I could not help but feel a bit sad that my parent did not accept her only child.

"That sucks," Draco said. "I'm really, really sorry for hitting you. I don't get violent easily, but when I've had a couple of drinks … It doesn't make up for what I did, but still."

"I understand," I nodded. "It hurt when you hit me and my jaw is still sensitive, and it looks kind of ugly," I added. "But it is nothing that time will not heal."

Draco nodded. "I reacted badly and I'm really sorry about it."

"I felt more hurt when I saw you kissing that guy," I said softly. It was best if we had this conversation now, if only to get it over and done with. There was no use in beating around the bush and I can be pretty blunt when I want to be. Sometimes that shocks people because they do not expect that from me.

"I get that, but like I said yesterday in my less than friendly way, we are not a couple. I understand that you feel hurt or something, but … I can do what I want."

"Did you kiss that guy on purpose? Did you do that because you knew I would see that? Marc told me that you never touched other guys―besides me―after the break up with your ex. Did you want to prove something by kissing someone else?"

"No, it wasn't about proving anything. Not exactly," Draco said. "I suppose I didn't like the fact that intimacy with guys didn't feel right after the break up and with you it did feel right. I didn't understand why. I mean, and don't get me wrong, you're attractive and everything, but I didn't understand it. After our friends caught us on the couch, I did feel like I was betraying Blaise and I felt annoyed that Marc turned it into something bigger. He made it seem like we were hooking up in secret and everything and for some reason it pissed me off. I went to the club, downed a couple of shots and was determined to prove to myself that other guys could turn me on too. Except they didn't," he said.

"Oh," I said. "What do you feel for me then?" He looked thoughtful and stayed quiet for some time.

"I think you're attractive," he said. "You're the first one―the only one actually―who has caught my attention as of yet. You're a lot different from Blaise and there are many qualities about you that I like and that attract me. You're patient and friendly and you don't mind sitting on the couch to watch a silly movie or something. Blaise liked to go out to clubs and bars, and I did too, but my relationship with him changed that. I got more serious and committed while Blaise actually kept going to clubs. Sometimes he got home when I had to get up to leave for work. I didn't like that at all."

"That is understandable," I said. "I would not like that either."

"You're very understandable," Draco said.

"I have heard that a couple of times," I said. "I think you are looking for a more serious and adult relationship."

"That's true," he nodded. "I was twenty-two when we met and Blaise was nineteen. It was like love at first sight. We started hooking up after a few months of friendship and a lot of sexual tension. After about two years into our relationship I felt ready to settle down with him, but he was still very much into going out with friends. I didn't mind, but …"

"You wanted something more?" I asked.

"Yeah," Draco said. "I wanted something more serious, but I loved Blaise a lot, so I never said anything. I tolerated it and let it go."

I nodded in understanding and stared at the wooden floor. I wanted to ask what we should do now. How were we going to go on? I did not want to seem pushy and I did not want him to think that I was assuming that we would have a relationship now that I knew that he felt something for me too. That did not mean that he wanted a relationship with me however.

"What do you feel for me?" he asked instead.

At this point I wanted him to know exactly what I felt, and it was a lot less hard for me to say it because I had already told his friends and my mother. I had thought a lot about it too and what it might mean, and the more I think about it, the surer I am of my feelings for him. "I think I am in love with you." He looked mildly shocked when I said that. "I like you a lot in any case."

"That's …" he began. "That's pretty serious."

"Yeah," I nodded. "I have felt this way about you for some time now and in the beginning when it was just a crush, I really hoped that it would go away. I was with Seth, and I really did like being around him, just not like that. And I thought that surely someone like you could never be interested in someone like me."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Well, look at yourself!" I exclaimed. "You are so incredibly attractive and handsome and … _perfect_. Then there is me. I am nothing special, I am not very good looking and I have very few friends. I lost Seth as a friend, and Hermione tries, but I do not think that I am the type of person she would like to hang out with. I am too different from you and your friends."

"It amazes me that you can't see how special you are," Draco said. "Not everyone judges someone by their looks only, Harry. You have to look further than what you see on the surface. Sometimes a guy can look hot, but his personality could suck and then it's a turn-off, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "But I do not understand why at first you said that you liked me only as a friend and the morning after you said that you did like me but did not want to use me. What was up with that?"

"That was a lie, about not having feelings for you," he said. "I told myself that I needed time to heal from my previous relationship and I don't want to jump into another relationship so quickly."

"OK," I said. "I can understand that. I did not expect anything anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know, just because we have feelings for each other that does not mean that you want a relationship. I was not expecting that either."

"Not even a tiny little bit?"

"Well, sure I did a little bit, but I will not cry over it," I said. "I am not a girl."

"Of course you're not a girl," Draco said. "I just find it difficult to commit myself to someone so soon after breaking up. I know that most guys would get over it quicker, but I'm not most guys. I really loved that guy a lot. But that doesn't mean that we can't hang out, right?"

"Like friends you mean?"

"I don't think that we can pretend to be friends anymore," he replied and clasped his hands together. "I know that you don't want that, and I don't think that would work for me either. Too much has happened between us."

"Yeah," I said. "Do you want to be with me at all? Do you want a relationship with me, I mean? Are you saying that you would rather wait because you do not want to be with me?" Then Draco turned towards me and took my hands in his and squeezed both of them gently. Then he brought my hands to his lips and he kissed the top of my hands softly.

"I want to be with you," he said. "If I didn't want to be with you, then I would've said so. I just find it difficult to step into a new relationship after what happened with my ex."

"I understand that," I said. "Really, I do. You do not want to get cheated on again, and your wounds need to heal and that takes time. But, I hope that I can help you heal."

"I would like to try," Draco said and looked into my eyes. "If you want to that is."

"To try a relationship?" I asked just in case. My heart started to beat harder in my chest when Draco nodded. "Um … yes, I want to try a relationship with you."

"OK, but I want you to know that I'm going to take things slowly, and I think you prefer that as well."

"Take things slow?"

"Yes, what sex is concerned I mean."

I felt my cheeks grow hot and I averted my eyes from his gaze. However much I liked or loved Draco, I am going to wait some time until I would allow Draco to … you know. _In there._ That subject has been on my mind a few times before, but the real thing would be a bit different. Painful, I think. I do not know much about sex in general, but I can imagine that having a penis in there would not be very pleasant and I am kind of apprehensive about it. I never thought much about sex, mostly because I did not feel good in my own skin, and I always felt queasy when hearing about one of my friends having sex with a girl. That sounded most disgusting to me.

"Anyway, um … perhaps I should go?" Draco offered and released my hands. "I'll see you some other time then, OK?"

"OK," I answered. Draco left and I sort of was expecting a kiss goodbye, like Seth had often done. Perhaps Draco did not believe in kissing your boyfriend goodbye. I listened to the door closing softly and sighed. Now I wondered what to eat. I had no idea where Hermione was, who was gone quite often with her boyfriend. I kind of enjoyed the peace and quiet. I found a can of tomato soup in the cupboard, so I decided to heat that up and eat two slices of bread with it. I suppose I should cook more often. Call it laziness.

About an hour later, someone knocked on the door. I turned away from the TV and got up. I was watching some show about models or something. Such skinny girls! Every time I saw them walking on the catwalk in those high heels, I was afraid that their ankles would break because they were so thin. I opened the door and smiled a bit at Marc's excited face. "Hi, Marc," I said.

"Can I come in?" Marc asked, his smile growing even wider.

"Sure," I said and allowed him into the apartment. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, just an answer," he said and took my hands in his. "Are you two really a couple?"

"Huh?"

"I overheard Draco saying something to Hermione on the phone. Something about a conversation that he had with you and that you would try … something. So, I thought that perhaps you two had gotten together. Is it true?"

"Eh … well … we did talk and we agreed that we would try," I said. I had to smile at the way Marc became even more excited and promptly hugged me.

"I'm so happy for you! It broke my heart a little when I saw you looking at Draco longingly and that you thought that Draco wouldn't want to be with you. He can be a bit oblivious at times, but he has a good heart. And I think you two will be good for each other. I always did think that Blaise was not really the kind of guy Draco would want to be with for the rest of his life because Draco was always a bit more serious while Blaise liked going out a lot."

"Yeah, I said the same thing," I said.

"I think you two will make an awesome couple," he said with a smile. "Oh, I'm so happy! You'll never be the third or fifth wheel now. Hey, we could triple date some time? It might be fun if we go out together for dinner or something, or lunch or whatever."

"Alright, though I think you should ask Draco first before you make any decisions yet."

"Hey, you're his boyfriend, you ask him," Marc said and flopped down on the sofa. Then he took out his cell phone. "I'm going to tell Sirius the good news immediately," he said and hit a few buttons. Then he put his phone at his ear and waited for a few seconds until obviously his boyfriend picked up. I had to smile while Marc told Sirius that we were together. I had not thought that Draco's friends would mind, but this was a nice surprise that someone was so happy that we were together. It still sounded surreal to my own ears. I sat down next to Marc and watched him while he was on the phone with his boyfriend. Marc was still beaming after he finished his conversation. "Sirius congratulates you."

"Oh, tell him I said thanks."

"I will," he said and hugged me again. "I'm so happy for you and Draco! We definitely have to go out together some time."

"Alright," I said. "Sounds like fun."

"It will be so much fun," Marc said and got off the sofa. "Well, honey, I'll be off. I actually only came here to ask you if it was true about you and Draco. Is Draco coming later tonight?"

"Not that I know of," I said and accepted Marc's hug once more. This guy really was affectionate. We said goodbye at the door and I let out a soft laugh. I had never met anyone like Marc before. I sat back down on the sofa and continued watching the program about models. How could those girls be so skinny? And where were the men? There were male models too. Or at least there were in the magazines I had looked into at the grocery store―I never actually dared to buy one of those magazines. I was always afraid that my mother or father would find it. And afterwards I would feel guilty for looking at those gorgeous men.

Not anymore though. I found myself appreciating the male beauty more and more without feeling guilty. It was a big improvement, considering the way I thought only a few months ago before I came to New York. New York changed me in many different ways; I got to know different people, different places, a different mentality and I was getting used to it. It felt good. I still did not have a lot of friends, but at least Marc, Sirius and Hermione considered me as a friend. And then there was Draco. I finally had what I wanted; a relationship with Draco. But I also had the feeling that something was missing.

I had to work, since today was Monday. I opened the shop at fifteen minutes to nine and started up the computer and the program that we used. My boss would usually do the paperwork in her office but she had not yet shown up today. Sometimes she arrives later, but she would let me know if that was the case. My day usually starts off with older women looking for a book or pencils or blank books. Then when it was about one o'clock, some college kids would come buy some school stuff. There was the occasional man who would enter the shop for a magazine on motor cycles or something, but that was it what men were concerned. I had a lot of female customers. Not that I particularly mind however. Some of the women are very nice and often stop to start a conversation with me. There was one woman in particular who I had seen often nowadays; a young woman with dark hair, dark eyes and a bit of a pale complexion. She brought in a black guy once whom she held hands with. I suppose that was her boyfriend. A couple of minutes later the bell jingled and there was the woman with her boyfriend again. The woman smiled at me and pulled her boyfriend over to a shelf with books on literature. I do not think the guy liked shopping for books as much as his girlfriend did. The couple moved more to the left of the store, and disappeared between the bookshelves while the bell jingled again. It was difficult to keep an eye on all my customers, but I did not have a bad feeling about those two. Usually my feelings are correct, but one can never be certain.

Draco walked in, much to my delight. I knew that he was my boyfriend now, but I was still a little bit hesitant to show that because Draco seemed hesitant. I also kept in mind that there were other customers about and that I could not start making out with my boyfriend. Draco walked up to the counter and nodded at me. I felt a bit disappointed again because he did not kiss me in greeting. "Hey," I said a little less enthusiastic than I had originally felt.

"Hi," Draco said. "I got an interesting call from Marc yesterday evening. He said something about a triple date?"

"Oh that," I said and rolled my eyes slightly. "He wanted all of us to go out together sometime for dinner or lunch. He was very happy when I confirmed his suspicions yesterday."

"Yes, I noticed that," Draco said dryly. "He called me and sounded very excited."

"Did you not want me to agree on the date thing? I thought it would be OK …" I said hesitantly.

"It's fine," Draco said and sighed.

"Draco?" a different voice from behind Draco said. I looked past Draco and saw the black man approaching us. I frowned and wanted to ask Draco who that guy was, except Draco stood frozen on the spot, until his expression changed dramatically from shocked to very angry. He slowly turned around.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he whispered lowly.

"I came back to New York to catch a break," the guy responded. "How are you?"

"You have no right to ask that from me," Draco replied. "Are you here with that cunt?" Then the young woman stood by her boyfriend's side and suddenly I knew who these two people were; Draco's ex and said ex's girlfriend. "Oh, of course you are."

"Are you still angry?"

"What do you think? I hadn't ever thought that I would hear you say that you cheated on me," Draco growled. I walked up to Draco's side and gently put my hand on his arm. Hopefully Draco would not decide that his ex's face needed a transformation. Draco did not push me away, thankfully.

"Who is he?" Blaise asked and glanced at me as if I were dirt under his shoes. He looked down at me as if I were unworthy of everything. He was handsome though, I had been right about that.

"That is none of your business."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"That is none of your business, Blaise," Draco repeated. "You have no right to ask that."

Blaise nodded and looked down at the floor. "I understand," he murmured. "I get that you're still angry and I'm sorry that you had to find out like that."

"Why didn't you tell me before? When did you start getting feelings for her?"

"A few weeks before we broke up," he answered quietly, not meeting Draco's eyes. "About four months before we broke up."

"And it didn't enter your mind to tell me four months earlier instead of continuing on like we have? I thought that I had done something to piss you off since you wouldn't even look at me when I asked you what was wrong."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Blaise," Draco said. "Your little girlfriend didn't even know that you had a boyfriend. I bet she thought that you were straight."

"He was just confused when he was with you," she answered for the first time. I immediately disliked her tone of voice. It sounded harsh and snappy and her face contorted into an ugly expression. It made her look like a pug.

"Yeah, he was so confused that he stayed with me for five years and let me fuck him into the mattress whenever the mood struck," Draco replied sarcastically. "Do you still crave that ass-pounding you're always so desperate for, Blaise?"

Blaise did not reply, but Draco's vulgar words made me blush a little. I could envision Draco being very rough with this Blaise guy. An image, or scene, entered my mind of Draco pounding hard into Blaise. I could imagine that both of them liked that a lot. I would not like rough sex though. Too painful, I think. I prefer gentle touches and caressing and making love instead of something as rough and harsh as what both Draco and his ex liked. Then I thought a little bit more about it while Draco said something to his ex. Would I be able to satisfy Draco then if Draco liked rough sex? I wondered why I even thought about it now while we had not even shared our first kiss as a couple yet.

"I am absolutely finished with you," I heard Draco say. Then he left the bookstore. I watched him duck his head so that he could get through the doorway. I stood awkwardly near the counter while Draco's ex and his girlfriend were watching me. Then they left the shop too without another word. I let out a breath and noticed then that my heart beat harder in my chest. I wanted to go after Draco, but I could not leave the shop while no one was about here. I did not want to bother my boss―who had arrived about an hour ago―so I could go after my boyfriend and console him. Perhaps Draco wanted to be alone.

My boss told me to go home at around five o'clock and she would remain in the shop until six o'clock and lock the place down. I thanked her and decided to go to Draco's place. I knocked lightly on door number twenty and a couple of seconds later the door opened. I took one look at Draco and saw that he was distressed, but he let me in nonetheless. Apparently his roommate was not there, which I was thankful for. I did not really like her.

I offered Draco a hug, and he accepted it. He wrapped his arms around my waist and sighed softly near my ear.

"I thought I could confront him without getting all emotional about it afterwards," he murmured. "But it still hurts and seeing him with her …"

"It is like he throws salt into your wounds," I offered.

"Yeah," Draco nodded and pressed his lips against a spot in my neck, just below my ear. I nuzzled Draco's neck in response and closed my eyes. We embraced for some time until Draco released me. "I'm glad you're here."

I smiled at him. "Well, I thought I should check up on you. Where is your roommate?"

"Gone for the evening," Draco replied. "She left some time before you came here. She was angry at Blaise's nerve and vowed to kill him for me. I told her that I didn't want her to go to jail for killing a guy, so I told her to go to her friends and blow off some steam at the gym. Hopefully she listened."

"Do you want me to leave you alone? I imagine that it must hurt to see your ex and his girlfriend like that. I understand if you want to be alone though."

"I want you to stay here," Draco said.

"OK, though I have to tell you that I did not have dinner yet," I said. "Do you mind if I go home real quick, have a meal and then come back?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry," Draco said and shook his head. "Why don't you eat here?"

I felt foolish that I had not thought of that before. I can be pretty dumb sometimes, I admit that.

"We could order take-out. I love take-out," Draco said. "I haven't eaten yet either," he offered as explanation.

"Eh … we could eat pizza? Or can you not eat pizza because of the cheese on them?"

"They sell pizzas with soy cheese on them at _La Pizza Ristorante_," he said, pronouncing the name of the restaurant in Italian. Hearing Draco speak another language sounded incredibly sexy. "I've been a customer of them for a few years now and they know that I want my pizza smothered with soy cheese."

"OK," I said. "Let's go then."

Draco grabbed his coat and closed the door behind me. We left the apartment building and Draco took me to the same restaurant where I had eaten a pizza with Seth, only last time I felt too excited about having a date to pay attention to the restaurant's name. We walked up to the counter and each ordered a pizza to go. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that the restaurant was buzzing with same sex couples and straight couples alike. That made me smile slightly. About ten or fifteen minutes later, a waitress called out our order and we took the bag with the two pizzas in it and walked back to Draco's place.

We ate our pizzas in silence and afterwards I felt very full and almost bloated. Draco finished his entire pizza, but I could not finish mine. Draco threw the pizza boxes away and dropped back down on the black sofa next to me and turned the TV on. There was nothing special on, but that did not really matter anyway; I felt content to just sit next to Draco. "When did you get your tongue pierced?" I asked randomly.

Draco glanced at me and looked back at the TV. "When I was sixteen, I believe," he murmured. "It was a gift from my mom for graduation. Of all piercings, I liked a tongue piercing best, so I got one."

"Did it hurt?"

"No, I felt very little of it," he said. "I sat in that chair and the needle went through my tongue and it was over before I knew it."

"I had no idea that you had a tongue piercing," I said. "It was a surprise."

"Some guys like it, some don't," Draco said and shrugged. "Do you like it?" he asked a bit naughtily.

I snorted. "Yes, I do like it."

"How much?"

"A lot," I said. "I never really liked the idea of having piercings or tattoos and I always thought that guys with piercings and tattoos were barbarians." Draco laughed at that. Then he leaned into me. His face was a few inches away from mine and he put his hand on my belly and rubbed gently. He opened his mouth and darted his tongue out. He licked across my lips and his piercing slid across my lips as I parted them. I closed my eyes while Draco slid his tongue inside my mouth and I felt my lips connect with his. We kissed slowly and passionately and his piercing rubbed my tongue. I placed my hand on his arm that was on my belly and we just lay there making out. I do not know how long we lay on the sofa, but after some time Draco pulled away so we both could take a breath. He kissed my neck and cheek.

"How is the cutting?" he asked softly.

"I have not done it for several months," I replied. I allowed Draco to pull up my shirt so he could rub my bare belly. He gently rubbed across the scars.

"That's good," he said and pulled away to look at me. "Perhaps we should stop."

"Perhaps we should," I said, though I did not stop him from caressing me further.

"God, we haven't been together for two days and already I feel a pull towards you," Draco said. "I feel this need to satisfy you," he breathed hotly into my ear.

I moaned when I heard those words. "I am not stopping you."

"We should stop," he answered and pulled away completely. He removed his hand from my belly and pulled my shirt back down.

I felt a bit disappointed that he stopped, but perhaps it was better this way. I was nowhere near ready yet to go that far, but it was very tempting. I licked my lips and sat up a little bit. I had started to get hard and I do not know if Draco knew that, but it felt slightly uncomfortable in my jeans. When I quickly glanced at Draco's crotch, I saw that Draco had gotten a bit hard as well.

"Let's watch something as innocent as a stupid program about skinny models or something. There are too many programs like this," he said and took the remote control in his hand. He pressed a few buttons until there was a program on that I had watched yesterday as well; some model show that was also some sort of competition. "My God, look at those ankles," Draco said and gaped a little. "How the hell can they walk on high heels like that? I always think that their ankles will break because they're so sickly thin. Disgusting," he added.

"I always wonder the same thing," I said. "No wonder there are a lot of anorexic girls in the world with fashion models looking like that."

"There are anorexic guys too, you know? It's not just the girls," Draco said. "But come on! Look at those wrists! I wouldn't be surprised if they were anorexic as well."

"They would not let anorexic girls become models, would they? Is it not bad for a model agency to have anorexic models?" I asked.

"Sure, whatever. I think it's ridiculous," Draco said and shook his head at the TV. "Teenage girls and boys watch this and decide that they should be as thin as they are. I know a girl from my high school years who had bulimia nervosa. I was shocked when she first told me that to my face. She said that she had been suffering from it for about three years―she told me that in our last year of high school."

"Wow," I said softly. "Were you close to her?"

"Yeah, we were pretty good friends. I still go to see her on her birthday―a tradition I started when I went to high school and got to know her. She's just one day older than I am. She always comes to me the next day after her birthday to congratulate me and to return the present I gave her. We actually shouldn't give each other anything, but we still do."

I smiled slightly at that. I never know what to give friends for their birthday―if I am invited that is. I learned that the hard way. A friend of mine turned eighteen and I bought him a gift I was still hesitant to give―I cannot even remember what it was―and when I arrived there, I rang the doorbell and his younger sister of fourteen answered the door. She said, "You're not invited," and she frowned as if silently asking me what I the hell I was doing at their house uninvited. I had not ever felt so dejected, well, perhaps when I thought that Seth's mom had disapproved of me tops it, but not by much. I left again with my very expensive birthday present, which I decided to keep for myself. I never went to that guy's birthday again. Apparently he did not mind because he never asked why I did not come to see him anymore. Perhaps his sister told him.

"What are you thinking about?"

I glanced at Draco and shrugged a little. "I was thinking about a friend I had when I was seventeen. He had turned eighteen and I was searching a week long for a suitable present and when I finally had it, I went to my friend's house, rang the doorbell and got told off by his younger sister. She said that I was not invited. I went back home with my expensive gift and decided to keep it. I believe it is still wrapped," I added thoughtfully. Draco did not say anything, but he did wrap his arm around my shoulders for silent comfort. It was another sting I bore for a few years that had not been entirely removed or forgotten.

"How is your jaw? Does it still hurt?" Draco asked.

"It hurts a little when I press my fingers against the spot where you hit me," I said and gently touched my still-bruised jaw. It was less swollen now, but it was still blue, yellow and a bit red.

"I'm sorry," Draco said again and pressed his lips against the bruised spot.

"I was wondering about something," I said quietly. I was debating internally if I should ask him this question, but knowing him for a few months now, I knew that I could ask him anything I wanted to know.

"Yes?"

"Well … when you came to the bookstore today … You treated me like a friend and it confused me a little bit."

"Oh, that," Draco said. "I don't know if you remembered, but the first time we met, Hermione told you that I'm not fond of PDA. Public displays of affection," he elaborated. "I really don't like kissing my boyfriend in public, not because I'm ashamed or something, I just think that whatever you do with your lover should be behind the walls of your own home. I don't like seeing other couples―gay or straight―going at it either."

"Oh, OK," I said.

"And the concept of hand holding is something I'll never understand," Draco went on. "It seems ridiculous to me."

I nodded absentmindedly and thought about it. I would like to hold my boyfriend's hand whenever I wanted to―whether in public or in private. At least I knew that I did not have to expect a kiss from Draco if we were out somewhere. It had been different with Seth―he was very romantic and would kiss me in greeting or when we said goodbye and we kissed during the sunset at Central Park. I liked that a lot. I liked having a romantic partner. Draco was different in that way. He was passionate, I had already noticed that a couple of times, and I am hopelessly attracted to him, or in love with him, I am not sure. Perhaps both. I am fairly sure it was both. "I think I am a bit more of a romantic," I murmured.

"Oh, did you expect me to kiss you when I went to the bookshop? I thought you knew about me not liking PDA?"

"It kind of slipped my mind," I admitted. "Seth used to do it," I added quietly.

"Seth is different from me," Draco said. "We're two different people. I admit that I'm not as romantic as Seth is, but I have my moments of extreme romanticism. This is just the way I am. I wouldn't mind changing for you if you want me to kiss you in public―"

"I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable," I immediately said. "I do not want you to change because of me. That is the last thing I want."

"OK, I believe you."

"Good, because I do not want you to do things that you do not want to do," I said firmly.

"Relax," Draco said and pecked me on my lips. "No need to get all hysterical. I won't, alright? Just, you know, I'm willing to adjust to make this work. I want it to work because I think that we could fit very well together."

"I think we could fit very well together too," I said and smiled at him. "I have been attracted to you ever since I met you. I dream about you, I think about you and sometimes it drives me mad," I said and bit my lower lip. Admitting these things made me realize just how much this man meant to me. "I liked Seth too, but more as a friend than a boyfriend. I thought that what I felt for you was something shallow, but when I found out that it was not something shallow, I decided to forget it and to get over it. I was convinced that you would never want me because I was someone who you could never look at in a romantic way."

"Why couldn't I?" he asked.

"Because you are so incredibly attractive and handsome and then there is me. I am not half as attractive as you are."

"I think it's a pity that you can't see how beautiful you are," Draco said.

I did not reply to that, because I could not of a thing to say to that. He thought I was beautiful? It was incredibly sweet to hear him say that, but it also made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I did not agree with it.

We ended up watching a movie that came on together. It was some romantic movie about a straight couple of course, I cannot even remember the title of the movie, but I felt comfortable lying against Draco. He offered me to sleep over at his apartment and I accepted, because I saw no reason to decline. The first few minutes felt a little bit awkward, but then we talked a bit and we cuddled until we fell asleep. Draco had wrapped his arms around me and kissed me goodnight. But suddenly I felt a little bit horny. Here we lay in bed together in only our underwear and our bodies were touching. I felt hot under the covers. I lay on my side with my head on Draco's chest and I rubbed across his belly, very softly at first and then I was more persistent to get a reaction out of him. My fingertips slid up to one of his nipples and I rubbed it until it had hardened. Next to my mouth was his other nipple. Draco still had not given me a reaction yet, so I opened my mouth and touched his other nipple with my tongue. I sucked the nipple into my mouth and massaged it with my tongue. It was like sucking on a lollipop. I heard Draco take in a deep breath.

"What are you doing?" he whispered and pulled my head away from his nipple.

I leaned down and kissed him softly. "I feel a bit horny," I whispered back.

"Oh," Draco whispered. "Don't you want to go to sleep?"

"If you want me to stop touching you, you just have to say so," I replied and pulled away from him. I lay down next to him and turned away from him. "Goodnight."

"I didn't mean it like that, Harry. Harry," Draco said and touched my bare shoulder with his hand. "I thought that you might want to go to sleep, that's all. I thought that with your upbringing and your religion that you didn't want to go too far."

"There are different ways to get off besides sex," I said. I must have felt more horny and tired than I first thought if I could say that sentence without blushing or stuttering.

"Well, yes, but I didn't think that you would want to go beyond kissing with someone who you've been with for almost two days."

"It is not like I have feelings for you for only two days," I answered. "I have liked you for months."

"I understand," Draco said behind me.

"Do you?" With those words that sounded final, I ignored Draco and tried to go to sleep. Draco seemed reluctant to do more stuff with me, even though he had touched me that one time on the couch when his friends had seen us. It seemed that now we were together that he did not really want to do more besides kissing. It confused me a little bit because he obviously thought it no big deal when we were not together. Why did he think that I would not want to go beyond kissing him because I was a Christian? What did my upbringing have to do with this? Sure, my father always told me that I could not connect with a woman intimately without being her husband first―which was essentially what he meant, but he always used big and difficult words. But two men could not marry, so there was no point in saving sex for marriage if we could not marry anyway. I would not want to wait to have sex before marriage. I do not think I could do that, considering how much I feel for Draco. I do not think that the Bible says that one has to save their virginity until marriage. I think it was something that my parents interpret as such and they taught me what they believe. My virginity seems less important to me now; I was not anxious to get rid of it, and I am not ashamed to say that I am a virgin, but I do want to wait for the right person. I have heard about those 'American Pie' movies, about those guys who want to lose their virginity before they leave high school. I think that is a bit pathetic. I might have mentioned that before.

Draco did not say anything anymore and apparently understood my hint and he also went to sleep. I lay there a bit uneasily next to him. I liked it when we cuddled, and lying there like that, turned away from each other, felt a bit cold and distant. It took a while before I finally fell asleep.


	14. 12 Part XII

Part XII

The following morning I woke up the same way I went to sleep; on my side facing away from Draco. Draco lay behind me with one of his arms wrapped around my belly. It made me think of the first time I slept here. Then Draco shifted a bit behind me―obviously he was still asleep―but I could feel his crotch against my buttocks. Was it just me or did he have a slight erection? I spread my legs a little so that his crotch touched _that_. I heard Draco sigh near my ear and I felt a bit more daring because he obviously did react in his sleep. I moved my buttocks against his crotch and closed my eyes at the delicious friction that I felt. Normally I would not do something like this so quickly, but Draco was different. Besides, I still felt horny. I felt Draco harden against me and I rubbed a little bit harder. Then Draco moaned. That encouraged me and gave me a satisfied feeling.

"Still horny then, hmm?" Draco whispered and held me a bit tighter. Then his hand wandered down underneath the covers and he caressed my thigh. "What do you want me to do?"

"Touch me," I whispered.

"I am touching you," he replied.

"Draco," I said and glanced over my shoulder.

"What?" Draco asked and slid his hand back up to my belly. He rubbed my belly and kissed my neck. "Good morning," he whispered and buried his face into the wild mass that was my hair.

"Morning," I replied.

"If you don't remove that tight butt of yours from my crotch, I'll go mad," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm getting hard, that's why," Draco replied and pushed against me for confirmation. I uttered a soft 'oof' sound that came out as a moan. He was getting hard indeed. "I don't think you'll appreciate that, so let's go back to sleep or eat breakfast or something."

"Why do you not do something about it?" I asked, referring to his obvious erection.

"Because," Draco said.

"Because? What kind of answer is that?" I asked. I rolled over onto my other side so that I faced him. "Before we got together you did not mind touching me. You felt me up even. Why is it such a problem for you now? Do you want me to shower first or something?"

"Huh?"

I sighed and pushed the covers off my body. "Never mind," I said softly and reached for my jeans. Draco wrapped his arms around my belly to keep me on the bed. He sat behind me and sighed into my ear.

"I don't mean to make you feel like I don't want you now that we're together. I want to respect your feelings. I honestly didn't think that you'd want to go beyond kissing so soon because of your religious upbringing. I need to stop myself from touching you because I don't want to cross your personal boundaries, OK? I do want you, but I don't want to go too fast either."

"OK," I said. "If you just told me that in the first place, then I would have been satisfied enough. I do understand your point though."

"Good," Draco replied and kissed my neck again. He moved away from behind me and got off the bed. He looked sexy in just his underwear. I tried not to look at his crotch, but it was irresistible. I could not help myself. "I'm going to get dressed, so if you feel uncomfortable or something, you can get dressed in the bathroom if you want."

"Eh, OK," I said and grabbed my clothes. I went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I was not ready to see Draco naked yet, even though I had wanted him to touch me earlier. But I was very curious, I admit that.

"There's a spare tooth brush in the small dresser next to the left sink," Draco said through the door.

"OK, thank you," I said and opened the drawer of the small dresser that stood on the tiled floor. I saw razor blades, deodorant, and two spare brushes that were still in their wrapping. I took one out and grabbed a tube of tooth paste. I quickly brushed my teeth when I heard Draco knocking on the door.

"Are you dressed?" he asked.

I unlocked the door and opened it. "Of course I am dressed," I said. "I just brushed my teeth and I am going to attempt to brush my hair."

Draco smiled and reached out to touch my untamable dark hair. He slid his fingers into my hair. "It doesn't feel very untamable to me. It feels pretty soft," he said.

"It may feel soft, but it sticks up all over the place," I said and walked up to the sink and picked up a comb. I managed to brush my bangs fairly easily, but the hair on the back of my head where it was a little bit longer was a bit harder to brush. Draco walked up behind me and took the brush out of my hand. He slid the comb through my hair and gently combed everything without pulling any hair out, which I would normally do out of frustration if my hair did not want to cooperate. "I think I am going to cut it short."

"You shouldn't," Draco said. "It looks beautiful. You've got beautiful dark hair and gorgeous green eyes."

"But this makes me look younger," I complained and watched my reflection in the mirror. I watched Draco putting his hands on my shoulders. "I do not want people to think that I am a teenager instead of an adult."

"You don't look like a teenager, but you certainly have a youthful quality about you. That doesn't have to be negative. Wear your hair like you want to wear it."

I looked thoughtfully at my mane while Draco brushed his teeth. I shrugged and went through the other door that led to the living area of the apartment. I did not spot Draco's roommate, thankfully―I still do not really like her―and I made a pot of coffee for both me and Draco. I took two mugs, the sugar and cream and two spoons. I did not know what Draco wanted in his coffee, so I kept his mug empty. I looked up when Draco joined me; I still found it hard to believe that this man was now my boyfriend. He looked so handsome in his dark jeans and tight black shirt. The shirt defined his torso really well and his arms looked very good in it. I liked his arms a lot; they were muscular and strong.

"Hey, thanks," Draco said and stood next to me, waiting until the coffee machine was finished.

"I did not know what you add to your coffee, so … I left your mug empty," I said.

"I put some soy cream in my coffee and too much sugar than is good for my teeth," Draco shrugged. "I tried to lessen the amount of sugar I put in my coffee, but then the coffee gets too bitter for my taste."

"I use very little sugar and a bit of cream," I said. Then the coffee machine made a gurgling sound; the signal that the coffee was ready to be poured. We sat down at the wooden dinner table and quietly drank our coffee.

"Is your colleague at the bookstore now?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Otherwise I could not have spent the night here."

"I'm glad you stayed here," Draco said and looked up from his black mug of coffee. "What are you doing today?"

"Er … I am not sure," I shrugged. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I wanted to show you where I work. I'm not on duty today, but it should be OK if I show you around," Draco replied.

"Where do you work then?" I asked.

"I work at the Malfoy family business," he said and seemed proud of it. "My father owns the place and wants me to follow in his footsteps when he retires, but I told him that he should pick the person who is most suited for a job like that and he shouldn't pick favorites because I'm his son. There are a few cousins and an aunt who would be suitable to take the job as owner of Malfoy Inc. I don't know why my father thinks that I could do it," he said softly.

"But what do you do then? What is your job? What does everyone do?"

"We're a business company," Draco said. "We invest in smaller companies to help them grow and we're the biggest company in New York, so there's some competition, but I think we're just good. People prefer to work with people who know what they're doing, and we know what we're doing. I have to make sure that everything goes well, and I hold meetings within the company to discuss statistics and I go to other companies we invested in to help those people if they have questions and those kind of things. We have deals with companies abroad as well, so a lot of times of the year I leave the States for about three to eight weeks."

"So you are gone often then?" I asked. "But how are we going to make this work then?"

"Don't worry about that, Harry," Draco said. "You're allowed to go with me as my partner, but I don't know if you want that since you've got your job at the bookstore."

"To what countries have you been to?"

"I've been to Europe more times than I can count," Draco said with a soft chuckle. "I've been to Paris a few times; it's a gorgeous city, and very romantic. I've been to Berlin, Amsterdam, Prague, Vienna, Rome, Moscow, Tokyo … Beijing as well, by the way. A translator goes with me and a few of our best advisors when we go abroad. I don't speak a lot of languages, but just in case people don't know English, or if their English is very poor, then we can use a translator. I know French and a bit of Japanese, but those other languages are pretty difficult. I'm glad that most people in Europe learn English at an early age."

"They do?"

"Yeah, they do," Draco nodded. "Kids in the Netherlands learn English at primary school and they continue studying English, German and French in high school. Pretty impressive right? Most Americans don't speak a second language."

"That is very impressive," I said. "Do you really speak French? I think it is a beautiful and romantic language, but it seems difficult to me."

"**Yes, French is indeed a beautiful language,**" Draco said. The French words rolled off his tongue like that.

"I do not know what you said, but it sounded very sexy," I said.

Draco laughed. "**Thank you,**" he said in French. "**I think you're quite sexy as well.** I like learning new languages. They come easy to me if I'm motivated enough."

"And you speak Japanese as well? How did you learn that?"

"I watched a lot of Japanese anime when I was younger," Draco said. "My mother thought it a bit too violent for my age, but my father told her that I should do whatever I wanted to do and if I wanted to watch those 'cartoons' as he called them, then he wouldn't stop me. I learned a thing or two by watching anime. I studied Japanese in school and I've been to Japan a couple of times. Those people almost look at you as if you're a God."

"I am sure it has to do with your light blond hair color and your height. Asians are not very tall, let alone blond," I said.

"True, but they are very friendly. And hopefully they changed their minds about Americans a little bit. They think we're all greedy for money and stuff like that. I made a few Japanese friends, who I still speak with. They're quite clever, except for the fact that they eat whale meat and hunt dolphins and other whales and kill sharks for their fins," he said. "I'm trying to stop the hunt for whales and sharks there and I'm trying to make Japanese people see that what they're doing on such a large scale is not a very good idea."

I nodded and finished my coffee. "I would think that you would not want to come near Japanese people because of what they are doing."

"Not everyone does it," Draco said. "But anyway, I speak French fluently, I speak Japanese, a little bit of German, and my Dutch is rather poor. You'd think that Dutch would be easy to learn if you get the hang of speaking German, but think again. The two languages are nothing alike. It may sound similar, but the grammar is very different."

"I do not really know the difference," I admitted. "It all sounds the same to me."

"I would like to take you to Paris sometime," Draco said. "We could climb the Eiffel Tower and hold a picnic at one of those beautiful gardens."

"Is this one of your extreme romantic moments?" I asked.

"Yes," Draco said and smiled a bit. "Europe is so much different from the US. Gays are more accepted there, and French people are hilarious. They have this pride and it's like being French is better than being American. Hell, I think I would prefer to be French than American, or Dutch. Dutch people are very laid back. They won't blink twice if they see a same sex couple walking hand in hand."

"They would not?"

"No, they're very open-minded people," Draco said. "It's not all cheese, tulips, windmills, prostitutes and wooden shoes there. It's a stereotype a lot of Americans believe in. But whatever. What were we talking about? Oh, yes, my job. I don't know what you could call my function within the company, but I'm pretty much in charge there. Some family members resent me for that because they worked very hard to get where they are now, and I really pushed my father to think about who he is going to give his position to. He's going to retire in a couple of years and someone has to take over. I just don't want him to pick me because I'm his son. I want him to pick someone who is best suited for that job and who can really help the business forward."

"I understand," I nodded. "Apparently your father thinks that you are good enough to take over his position in a few years. That must mean something."

"Sure, but there are enough people, cousins, uncles and aunts of mine that have brilliant ideas and who have a big chance to get further then where they are. There are people who like what they're doing, and it's difficult to keep everyone satisfied, I know that, but you have to do what's best for the company. You can't let personal preferences get in the way of that."

"Spoken like a true businessman," I said. "I did not even know what you did for a living. I suppose it does suit you a bit."

"I heard that from more people," Draco said. "Perhaps you can meet my father at the company. He would most likely call my mom to tell her about you and she will want to meet you too."

"Already? Is that not a bit too soon?"

"If you don't want to meet them … then we'll go someplace else," Draco shrugged. Though I could notice that he wanted me to meet them, even though we had not been together very long.

"No, it is OK. I would like to see where you work." I smiled when Draco smiled at me. He stood up and kissed me.

We decided to have lunch first before we would go to the company. Of course I had heard of Malfoy Inc. It was well known because of its success and the handsome people that work there. I believe they were in the news a few times as well because they had so much success. I remember seeing a very blond man in a black suit speaking to a news reporter. Perhaps that was Draco's father? We had lunch at _the Champion_ where the adorable waiter with blond hair and pink highlights was skipping about. He looked very hyper active.

"What do you think of him?" Draco asked and took a bite of his sandwich. "He's cute, right?"

"I think I prefer someone like you," I whispered across the table. "You know, masculine."

Draco snorted softly and grinned at me. "He's not very fem, but … those highlights always crack me up a little. He is a nice young man though, he's just very excited and that easily gives his sexuality away, as if those highlights don't have people questioning him already," he added. "I went with a group to Texas once―horrible place to go to when you're with a group of gay men―and Kevin was there too with his pink highlights in his hair. It was a mild disaster," he said. "There was a group of Texans and they were yelling profanities at us and called us faggots, queers, sinners and stuff like that. But they didn't call me those names to my face. I was the only one who didn't get verbally kicked to the ground. After some time that group of Texans approached us and asked us what the hell we were doing here and blah blah blah. I told them that we wanted to see some sun and get a nice tan."

"What did they say?"

"They asked me if I was one of them as well," Draco said and rolled his eyes. Then Kevin, the waiter, approached us with two glasses of coke. "Hey, Kevin, remember that road trip to Texas a couple of years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Kevin asked sarcastically and gave us our drinks. "Blaise wanted to go to Texas, 'To see the sun,' he said. More guys agreed with him, more queens who wanted a tan. You and I were the only ones who objected. There's sun in California honey, why not go there, you know?"

"That was 'too far away'," Draco said, using air-quotes. "I told everyone how religious they are down there and that we would get kicked to the ground if we asked for a place to stay at one of their hotels or whatever. I mean, a few of us were obvious."

"Like me, you mean?" Kevin asked.

"That's not what I said. I said that there were a few guys who give off this gay vibe a mile off," Draco said. "God, why didn't they listen? LA is a pro-gay town and Texas is as religious and conservative as they come."

"I know," Kevin nodded. "It's been a few years ago, most has been forgotten, and most of us have moved on. I'm never going down to Texas though. No fucking way."

"Excellent choice, Kev. Go to LA or San Diego or stay here in Manhattan, _the place to be_ or not to be," Draco said.

"Right," Kevin snorted. "You're acting weird. Do you have a new lover or something?"

"Actually, now that you mention it, I do," Draco said and pointed at me. "We've been together for nearly two days now."

"Really," Kevin said and chuckled. "Congratulations then," he said. "Well, you did need to move on."

"I have, so now everyone can stop whining to me about it," Draco said. "Harry here is from Virginia. Raised a Christian, devout, very serious about God and Jesus and all that and he came to live here to 'find his true self'. Isn't that beautiful, Kev?"

"I'm sure you were fast friends," Kevin scoffed.

"No," Draco smiled. "But we're together now."

"I'm happy for you," Kevin replied. "Excuse me; I've got more customers to tend to."

"OK," Draco said and finished his vegan sandwich. "See? He's very nice."

"I can see that," I replied. "Is there not a gay pride march this year?"

"What, do you want to go there?" Draco asked.

"Well, I am curious about it," I shrugged. "Unless you do not want to go to such a march? Have you ever been there before?"

"Sure, I've been there with Blaise two or three times. I'm not really fond of those marches to be honest."

"Oh, OK," I said. I avoided his eyes and munched on my sandwich. It was a pity that Draco did not want to go to such a thing, but that was alright. I did not mind if he wanted to spend the afternoon together on the sofa or something. Or perhaps he did not even want to be with me that day. Perhaps he had other plans. I should not assume that Draco would want to spend every day with me. He has his friends he might want to see or something, and he has his parents he might want to go to. I assumed too much. And when I assume too much, I often get disappointed.

After our lunch, Draco hailed a cab and told the cab driver to take us to Malfoy Inc. We left Manhattan and then Draco told me that they were located in New York City. This way I got to see some of New York after all. A tall and impressive building came into sight and the cab pulled up into the drive way. I saw a fountain and a lawn with a big board that said 'Malfoy Inc.' written in gold. The building itself was tall and had a brown beige-ish color. It looked very modern indeed. Draco opened the door for me and led me into a hall with a tall ceiling and when I looked at the ceiling, I saw a few chandeliers hanging from it. It looked gorgeous and rather palace-like. We walked up to an elevator and Draco pressed the button with the twenty on it.

Draco looked down at me and took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. He squeezed my hand gently and pressed a kiss on top of it. "Relax," he said.

"I am relaxed," I said took a deep breath. "Usually meeting the parents happens only in a serious relationship."

"And is our relationship not serious then?" Draco asked.

"Well, it is, but we have only been together for two days," I said quietly. "Is it not a bit early for me to meet your parents?"

"There's no such thing as meeting the parents too early," Draco said and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. The elevator brought us higher to floor sixteen. When we reached floor number twenty, Draco released me and the doors of the elevator slid open. We went into a long hallway with rooms on either side of the hallway. It reminded me a bit of our apartment building back in Chelsea, Manhattan. I peeked into the windows and saw people working at their desks on their computers. We approached a door and Draco knocked firmly three times on it.

"Enter," the person on the other side said. I thought the voice sounded a bit like Draco's.

Draco opened the door and I looked around at the spacious room until my eyes landed on a blond man that sat behind the desk. I nearly swallowed my tongue. Draco looked so much like his father! The resemblance between them was almost creepy. Draco looked younger, but they had the same facial features and they seemed to be just as tall from what I could see. "Hello, father," Draco said.

"Draco," Mr. Malfoy nodded. "To what do I owe this visit, son? I thought you had the day off today?" he asked and put his pen away. Apparently he had been busy with some paper work.

"I do have the day off today," Draco said. "I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Harry Potter, my boyfriend. Harry, this is my father Lucius Malfoy."

"Nice to meet you, sir," I nodded politely at the man while he looked me over. He nodded back.

"So," he said. "When did this happen?"

"About two days ago," Draco replied and dragged me over to his father's desk. He sat down into one of the chairs in front of the desk, so I sat down as well.

"Two days ago?" Mr. Malfoy asked and raised his eyebrow in the same way that Draco does. I was beginning to feel a bit crept out to be honest. They looked so much alike, and Mr. Malfoy did not look very old.

"We got together two days ago," Draco said. "We've known each other for a few months now."

"Great," Mr. Malfoy said. "You should notify your mother, Draco."

"I will," Draco nodded. "I just wanted to introduce him to you."

"And that is all right and well, but can I speak with you in private for a moment?" he asked.

Before Draco could reply, I stood up from the chair. "I will wait outside for you, alright?" I left Mr. Malfoy's office and closed the door behind me. I could hear their voices through the door and I did not really mean to eavesdrop, but it was difficult not to listen to what Mr. Malfoy wanted to talk to Draco about. If it was about work, then I would ignore the conversation and walk away from the door.

"Draco, is he not a bit too young for you?" I heard Mr. Malfoy ask.

"He's twenty-one," Draco replied. "He's seven years younger than I am. That's not so bad, is it?"

"He's twenty-one? He looks a bit younger," Mr. Malfoy said. "Do you think it's a good idea after the whole ordeal with Mr. Zabini?"

"Father, that was four months ago. I want to move on and get on with my life. I met Harry and at first we didn't really hit it off because he is a Christian and there were some problems between us at first, but everything worked out. I want to make this work, father. I don't care if you approve or not. I care about him."

"Do you love him?"

"Don't you think that's a bit too early? I certainly care about him a lot. And I think I definitely could love him."

"Does he feel the same way?"

"Yes," Draco said. "He told me so."

"Just because he said so, that doesn't mean that it is true," Mr. Malfoy said.

"Are you calling him a liar?"

"I'm saying that you shouldn't be so trusting of people, or men, after what Mr. Zabini did. I would think that you'd be more careful around men nowadays."

"Father, I'm not a woman," Draco said. "I can look after myself and I know when it's time for me to move on. I can whine all I want about what Blaise did, but that's not going to help me. I saw him and his girlfriend at the bookstore where Harry works and I said what I wanted to say to him so I could move on. I needed to say those things to him in order for me to get some closure about it all."

"And that is alright, as long as you're sure that you're not using this young man to get over your previous relationship," Mr. Malfoy said.

"I'm not using him," Draco replied. "I genuinely like him, and he's very different from Blaise, so I think this might work out better."

"Yes, Mr. Zabini was a bit of a party animal," Mr. Malfoy snorted. "Well, bring your boyfriend back in, I think we have let him wait long enough, don't you think?"

I moved away from the door and wandered a bit down the hallway so that Draco would not get the impression that I had been eavesdropping. The door behind me opened, so I turned around and saw Draco motioning for me to come back. I sat back down into the chair next to Draco and awkwardly watched the man who looked so much like the man I loved. It really was creepy.

"So, Mr. Potter," Mr. Malfoy said. "Draco told me that you're a Christian? I can tell by your accent that you're not from New York. Where are you from then?"

"Er, Virginia," I said. I had an accent? I never noticed and no one told me about it before. I could hear that New Yorkers spoke differently, but I never noticed an accent when I spoke. I hope it did not sound stupid or something.

"Virginia," Mr. Malfoy said. "And where are your parents? Do they know that you're here?"

"Of course they know," I replied and wondered what this man wanted to know. I was not a runaway or whatever. "My parents are back in Virginia, praying for my soul and praying to God to forgive me for my sins." Draco coughed into his hand next to me, but I ignored him. I did not know if that cough was meant to cover up his amusement or to warn me not to go there.

"Ah," Mr. Malfoy said. "How interesting. I assume that you are a homosexual, considering that you're in a relationship with my son. How do you live with that, knowing what all those other people say about you? What must your God think?"

"Father," Draco said.

"God loves everyone," I said quietly to my lap.

"Does He really? Does God love sodomites? Sinners? Queers? Faggots? Your kind?"

"Yes, He does," I said even more quietly. This man was even better at intimidating people than Draco was, and that did say a lot.

"How do you know, boy?"

"I do not know."

"Fascinating," Mr. Malfoy said.

"Father, please," Draco said again.

"What do your parents think? Do they approve of your lifestyle?"

"No, sir," I answered.

"And why don't they approve then?" Mr. Malfoy asked.

"They think that homosexuals are an abomination," I said and swallowed.

"Really? And did they not teach you that homosexuals are evildoers? Surely they taught you some of their views?"

"They did, sir."

"Did you try to change?"

"Yes, sir," I nodded.

"Apparently you didn't try hard enough or it didn't work," Mr. Malfoy said in mild disdain.

"Father, enough," Draco said. "I'll call mother this afternoon to tell her and she can drop by my place if she wants to. We're going now." Draco took my hand and dragged me out of his father's office. I stared at the floor the entire time. I heard the elevator doors slide open and closed behind me.

"Your father does not like me a lot," I murmured.

"He's different," Draco said and I looked up to see him roll his gray eyes. "Are you OK?"

I shrugged a little and watched the number of floors on the little screen go down. "I want to go home," I said instead. Did Draco's father accept him at all? The way he spoke about homosexuality, I would say no, but then again, I did not know that man. I felt my insecurities rise inside me again. Draco cleared his throat and walked out of the elevator when the doors slid open. I followed him to the parking lot and waited until Draco had called a cab to take us back to the apartment building.

Draco dropped me off at my own apartment, so apparently he had other plans that afternoon. I did not want to pry, so I did not ask him anything. He left without so much as a kiss goodbye and just said, 'I'll see you later, OK?'. Was this relationship thing a good idea, I wondered? It had not been what I first expected, if I have to be honest. I expected us to get closer and that we would spend time together on the sofa watching a movie―like we had done before―or that we would go to bed and explore each other's bodies or something. I understood why he would think that I would not allow us to go further than kissing, and I might not have allowed him to touch me a few months ago, but then again; a few months ago I had not even accepted who I am. I just could not understand why Draco thought it no problem to touch me and even rub me down there when we were not together, and now that we had agreed to try a relationship, it suddenly became difficult for him. Well, Draco did say that he wanted to take it slow. I just wondered how slow he wanted to take it.

I found Draco's father a bit scary, and my conversation with the man was something I was still trying to figure out. Mr. Malfoy had made it sound like being gay was wrong, even though his own son was gay. Was the man in denial then? I did hear Draco say that he did not care if his father did not approve of our relationship. Perhaps Mr. Malfoy was still hoping that his son would meet a nice woman to settle down with and have children with. Parents often hope that their children will give their parents grandchildren and mothers tend to be very disappointed when such a thing will not happen. Perhaps his father still had hope for his twenty-eight year old son. That left me to wonder how old the man himself was, for he did not look old and there were no wrinkles marking his handsome and fair face. Both Draco and his father reminded me of elves.

Hermione came home at around five o'clock from work―I had no idea where she worked and I had not bothered to ask her about it either. "Hey, Harry," she said and shrugged her coat off. "I thought the shop closed at six?"

"I had the day off," I said and watched her put her coat over the back of the chair at the dining table. "Jimmy is at the bookstore today."

"Were you at Draco's place this morning?" she asked and reached for a clean glass in the cupboard.

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Lucky guess," she shrugged and filled her glass with water. "So," she said. "Marc told me something interesting on the phone yesterday."

"I bet," I smiled. "And before you ask, yes Draco and I are together. Or as together as we can be anyway. He said he wanted to try a relationship, and I agreed because … well you know I like him very much."

"Hmm," Hermione hummed and took a sip. "Don't you think it's a bit too soon for Draco to be stepping into a new relationship? He told me that he saw Blaise and his girlfriend at the bookstore where you work and he still felt very hurt after he saw them together," she said. "I know he likes you too, but … I'm only looking out for both of you, OK? I think it's great that you guys are together, but the timing might be a little bad."

"I understand," I said. "And I have wondered the same thing. Being with him is not what I expected."

"He's not very romantic," Hermione said and snorted a bit. "But he has his moments. I know that you have strong feelings for him. Draco is romantic in a different way, though maybe not always as obvious. In fact, he can be pretty oblivious," she added thoughtfully.

"I met his father today," I said. "He took me to the company where he works and I got to meet his father."

"Nice man, isn't he?" Hermione asked sarcastically.

"I got the feeling that he did not approve much of me or my gender to be honest. He asked strange questions. Does he accept his son's sexuality?"

"Yes, he does," Hermione nodded. "He is pretty sarcastic, just like Draco can be at times. They look a lot alike, don't they?"

I nodded. "The similarity between them kind of creeps me out, to be honest."

"It crept me out too when I first met him," Hermione said. "Draco's father doesn't look his age at all. Are you going to meet his mom as well?"

"I do not know," I replied. "Is his mother nice? Have you met her?"

"Yeah, I did meet her a few times. Lovely woman, very nice and very beautiful," Hermione said. "If you see his parents together, you'll understand why Draco looks like the way he does. Beautiful people usually produce beautiful kids, which is true in this case."

Well, I could safely say that I had not inherited my mom's features except for the eyes. My mom was a beautiful woman, and I suppose that my father could be seen as handsome, but he always looks pretty stern that shatters that illusion. I am sure that Draco's mother was beautiful. I imagined her to be an elegant and graceful woman with blond hair.

"Anyway," Hermione said. "What do you mean that being in a relationship with Draco is not what you expected?"

"Well … remember that one time when you guys had caught us on the sofa?" I averted Hermione's eyes when she nodded and smirked. I still felt a bit embarrassed that we had been caught. "We were not together then and something similar had happened before, under the influence of alcohol, mind you. And now he is not doing those things. I mean, we kiss and stuff, but it never leads to the stuff we did before we got together. It confuses me," I said.

"Hmm," Hermione hummed in thought. "Have you asked him about it?"

"Yes, he says that he does not want to cross my personal boundaries and that he thought that I would not want to go further than kissing someone who I have been with for two days. That is what he said."

"I could understand why Draco would think that, since you're raised religiously, but that doesn't make sense if you went further than kissing two times before you got together," she said and rubbed her chin.

"Does he expect things from me now that we are together?" I asked.

"Not that I know of, but then again, I don't know what Draco thinks about your relationship."

"He also said that he does not want to go too far too fast," I added. "What sex was concerned, he said. But that still does not explain why we do not do the things we did a few times before. I slept at his place last night and I felt a bit … you know …"

"What, horny?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "So I kissed him a bit and … stuff … but he asked me if I did not want to go to sleep instead of feeling him up."

"You felt Draco up?" Hermione raised her eyebrows.

"Well, I did not touch his … er … penis, but I kept my hands on his chest. And my mouth too," I said.

"And he did not respond?"

"Not really," I shrugged. "He did not respond the way a man usually would to being caressed by someone like I did."

"Perhaps he didn't like it?"

"I had not thought of that," I said and looked away. Perhaps he did not like being touched too much or something. Perhaps he did not like it if I touched him there. Perhaps I had annoyed him or something. "He seems very reluctant to be closer to me."

"Strange," Hermione said. "You should talk to him about it."

"I will," I replied and walked back to the sofa.

"I saw Seth today."

I froze on the sofa and inhaled deeply. I remembered very well how much I had hurt Seth that day, even if we had been together for a short period of time. I had no idea how he was doing or what he was doing, whether or not he was over me. I had not seen him since I walked away from him at Central Park that day. "How is he?"

"He seems to be doing well," Hermione said and sat down next to me. "He asked after you. He wondered how you were and if you still felt something for Draco."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him that you two were together," Hermione said. "He did not seem angry or disappointed about it; he acted more like he had expected that. He told me he would like to see you again to catch up."

"He did?" A little spark of hope settled itself in my chest. Perhaps I could make things right with Seth. Maybe he wanted to be friends after all.

"Yeah," Hermione nodded. "He told me that if you wanted to meet up, that you had to call him on his cell phone."

"I will do that," I nodded and smiled. "I felt disappointed that I had lost Seth's friendship when I broke up with him. Perhaps I can make things right with him."

"Will you talk to Draco after that?"

"Yes, I will, but first I want to talk to Seth."

I had gone to my room after my conversation with Hermione. I had called Seth on his cell with my heart beating wildly in my throat. He had picked up after three rings and I found it difficult to speak to him. After some time my throat got looser and it was easier to talk to him. We agreed to meet at seven o'clock at his place. The last time I was at Seth's place, I found him in bed next to another guy. I felt very nervous when I walked to his apartment. I knocked softly on the door because I was still a bit hesitant, but I knew that Seth would not beat the living daylights out of me. That was not the way Seth was. Seth was very gentle and sweet.

Then the door opened and there stood Seth, looking exactly the same the way he looked when I last saw him. He greeted me with a smile and invited me into his apartment. I was still nervous and hesitant, but Seth did not seem bitter. He motioned for me to sit down on the sofa, so I sat down and watched Seth sit down on the other end.

"How have you been?" was the first thing Seth asked me.

"I have been doing OK," I said. "How are you?"

"I'm doing fairly well," Seth said. "I have taken up on writing―a talent people always told me I had. I hope to write a book."

"Really? That is great." I smiled hesitantly and I was glad that he did not seem angry with me. If he was angry, I would have noticed. "So you are not angry at me?" I could not help but ask.

"No, I'm not angry at you," Seth said reassuringly. "Why would I be angry? You were honest with me and it wouldn't have been fair if I told you to ignore the feelings you have for Draco. That's not fair to you and I certainly did not want to keep you with me if you had stronger feelings for someone else."

"I am glad that you are not angry," I said. "I was afraid that you would never want to see me again or something."

Seth smiled gently at me and took my hand in his. "I felt a bit sad after you told me of your feelings for Draco, but I had suspected that you felt something for him. I noticed it when he was around. You seemed to grow uncomfortable and you glanced at him more times than I could count. I just knew that there was something there. And I was right. I waited for you to tell me about it."

"Oh," I said.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

"I feel a bit unsure about Draco," I said. "I am not sure if you want to hear it."

"You can tell me. I'm not going to get all jealous on you, if that's what you think," Seth said. "I'd like for you to be able to talk to me like a friend."

"Do you want to be friends again?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes," Seth nodded and squeezed my hand. Then he released it. "So what are you unsure about?"

"Well … we have been together for about two days now," I began. "And before that, a few things happened between us that went beyond kissing and now it is like Draco does not want to do more than kissing. It confuses me and I asked him about it. He said that he did not think that I would allow him to go further than kissing because of my religious upbringing. But we did go further than kissing before we got together and that is what confuses me the most. It looks like he does not want to touch me or something."

"I'm sure he does want to touch you, but I think he just wants to respect your feelings," Seth said.

"He said the same thing," I said. "But why did he touch me sexually before we got together then? Not to mention that it happened two times. That does not make sense. He kind of treats me as if we are friends instead of boyfriends."

"Hmm," Seth said. "Well, he did just break up with his ex. It seems logical that he would want to take things slower with you, because one; you're a Christian, thus raised with certain morals and beliefs and two; he ended a five year relationship not too long ago. I think Draco needs to get used being with someone other than Blaise. He probably just wants to take it slow. You can't expect him to get closer to you because this is new for him too."

"When you say it like that … I suppose I understand why Draco acts the way he does," I said.

"What happened to your jaw?"

"Draco hit me after I said a few things that were not very nice," I said. I decided to explain the situation further when Seth raised his eyebrows. "Hermione and a few other guys took me to this club on my birthday. It is called _the Virgin_. Have you heard of it?"

"Yeah, it's a pretty cool place," Seth nodded. "It's different in a good way."

"Yeah," I said and smiled because that had been exactly what I said about the club when the waiter asked me what I thought of it. "Anyway, I saw Draco kissing someone else and I did not like that, so I tried to distract myself by talking to a waiter there who appeared to be interested in me. Then the waiter had to go to the restroom and then Draco sat down next to me and asked me if I was having fun. One thing led to another and we were arguing because I felt hurt that he kissed someone else while he knew that I liked him. I accused his roommate Ginny of lusting after Draco and I said a few things that went a little too far. Then he hit me."

Seth raised his eyebrows once more. "Whoa, I never pegged Draco as a violent guy. Intimidating, but not violent."

"Well, the next morning, he came to my apartment and apologized. He said he usually is not violent, but apparently he is quicker to throw punches when he has had alcohol. We made up and decided what to do about our feelings and that is how we got together."

"A nice story to tell your kids when they ask you how you met and how you got together," Seth snorted.

"I would like to adopt a baby," I nodded. "Not now, obviously, but perhaps in a few years."

"What if Draco doesn't want kids?" Seth asked.

"That would suck," I said. Seth laughed at that.

"You wouldn't have said that a couple of weeks ago like that," he said. "It's nice to see and hear that you've gotten more outgoing."

"I do my best," I said.

"It's good to see that you're doing alright, Harry," Seth said. "I'm glad about that."

"What have you been doing? Did you find a new boyfriend or …?"

"Well, I do have my eye on someone, but nothing is happening just yet," Seth said. "You might remember him, he works at _the Champion_. Kevin Laytner, blond hair, pink highlights … remember him?"

"You are going out with Kevin?" I asked.

"Not going out just yet, but I did ask him to go on a date. He said yes, thankfully, so we'll see how that goes."

"I am happy for you," I said and smiled genuinely at him. "I was afraid that I had hurt you."

"Well, I didn't like it, but it wasn't like I got stabbed in my heart and turned bitter or something. We both had to move on; you're with Draco now and I'm going after Kevin. He's so cute," he sighed.

I chuckled and watched him. I was very happy that I had not hurt him too much and that he had moved on. "Do your parents know about Kevin?"

"No," Seth said and shook his head. "I imagine that my father will not tolerate the pink highlights in Kevin's hair."

"Is he a natural blond by the way, or did he dye his hair blond?"

"No, he's a natural blond," he said. "Just like Draco is however impossible that seems."

"Why does that seem impossible?"

"Because it's so light!" Seth exclaimed. "I have never seen someone with such natural light hair before. He swore to me that it was his natural hair color, but I didn't believe him."

"So what did he do?" I asked curiously.

"Well, he undid his jeans and showed me his pubic hair," Seth snorted. "It was nearly as light as the hair on his head was. I believed him then alright."

"He showed you his …?"

"Pubic hair," Seth nodded.

I raised my eyebrows and felt my cheeks heat up spontaneously. "I hope he keeps his pants on in my presence," I murmured.

"Yeah? Not ready to go that far?"

I shook my head and glanced at the TV. "I know what I said at first, but I am not ready to see him naked. And I am not going to let him see me naked either."

"OK, well, good luck with that," Seth said. "Can I get you a drink?"

"I would like a glass of water please," I answered and watched Seth get up from the sofa and walk towards the kitchen area. He brought me a glass of water and he himself drank nothing. "Thank you," I said and took the glass of water and brought it to my lips. "I was planning on speaking with Draco after I had spoken to you. I do want to talk to him about him acting a bit different."

"Yeah, you could do that," Seth shrugged.

"Why, do you think it is a bad idea if I ask him why he is acting the way he does?"

"You asked him before didn't you? He told you that he wants to respect your feelings, so why do you have to ask him again about why he's touching you less than when you weren't together? He might get annoyed or something."

"Yeah, you might be right," I said thoughtfully. "I suppose I will see how things go between us."

"I think that might be better," Seth nodded.

After an hour or two, I returned to my apartment. I felt relieved after the conversation I had with Seth. I had decided that I would not speak with Draco because I thought Seth was right; he might get annoyed or something. I could imagine feeling annoyed after my boyfriend would ask me the same question over and over. I spotted Hermione watching TV with her boyfriend, Draco's roommate's older brother. Suddenly I felt uneasy. What if Ron knew what I had said about his sister? What if Draco had told Ron in a fit of rage at that club after he hit me? Even though Draco was my boyfriend now, and I loved him, I still felt a bit afraid of him when he hit me. He did not seem hesitant to hit me in my face. I suppose it was a fear in my subconscious that kept bubbling up to the surface. I do not deal with pain very well, let alone if someone I love causes me physical pain. The spot where Draco hit me was still a bit red and swollen, but it had looked worse. I would definitely watch my words in the presence of Draco when he has had alcohol. I do not wish to get punched in the face again because I said something to upset him, but I do have to admit that my words went a little bit far. I had no right to say those things, but I was angry. Well, best not dwell on it now. What is done is done.

I did not hear anything from Draco anymore the rest of the evening, so I went to bed and went to sleep. Tomorrow I had to get up early because I had to work at the bookstore again. I thought about going to France with Draco. It sounded very romantic, since Paris is supposed to be a very romantic city and I had seen pictures of the Eiffel Tower at night and it was surely something that I would like to see in real life some time. And having a romantic picnic in a Parisian garden sounded even more romantic. But it would be very expensive I would imagine. Perhaps I could look on the internet how much a plane ticket to Paris would cost, and then at least I knew how much money I had to save for if Draco wanted to go to Paris some time. For some reason Paris seemed like the most romantic place to make love for the first time. That would be most memorable indeed. I could see it in my mind; Draco and I in a hotel room in Paris with a view on the Eiffel Tower, making love while the light of the moon shines into the bedroom … Call me sentimental and romantic, but that would be my ideal first time. I could see myself clutching Draco's back, gasping and moaning while a beautiful man like Draco would make love to me. I closed my eyes and could see Draco's body moving on top of mine, I could hear him breathe heavily, I could almost feel the heat and friction I imagined at the act, the pleasure I imagined when prepared properly. Yes, I did know about proper preparation. I am not all unaware about sex, I know a few things about it.

The reason why I know a few things about sex―or gay sex to be more specific―that is because I found a book on homosexual sex in the bookstore where I work. In the erotica section, yes. There were instructive books and I read a few very interesting things about anal penetration. For example, the receiving partner has to be properly prepared otherwise the inserting of a penis can be extremely painful and it appears that there are gay men that do not have sex because it hurts too much. I believe Seth told me something similar when we first met at church. I felt excited about the idea of having sex with Draco, but I was still apprehensive about doing it. Would Draco know about proper preparation? He did say once that his ex really liked it rough, but I would probably not be so thrilled about doing it rough. I still wondered if I could satisfy Draco in that department. Oh, why did I even wonder about it now? I was not ready for that at all, even though I wanted to get closer to Draco. I wanted to feel his arms around me at night and I wanted to feel his body against mine and I wanted to feel his warmth. I wanted to prove to myself and to other people who did not agree with my lifestyle that two men could be in a healthy, happy and loving relationship with each other. I wanted to show my parents that it was OK and not as disgusting as they always say. But most of all I wanted to prove to my mother that I am happy with another man and that this is the right choice for me.


	15. 13 Part XIII

Part XIII

I was currently standing in the bookstore. It was ten in the morning, and I was still pretty tired, but also excited about going back to work again. Those days off were getting boring and often I did not know what to do because everyone else went to work. I had had a few customers already, and I felt the desire to go look into one of those 'How to have gay sex' books again. They excited me and the pictures I saw about various sex positions were a turn on. The missionary position was very intimate and the position I preferred by far, but there were other positions that I would not mind trying. Doggy style seemed a bit crude to me. Although … I suddenly had a vision of me standing on all fours on a bed with Draco pushing his penis into me from behind. It was a bit dirty in a good way. I secretly have a fantasy of riding Draco and being in control.

I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the fact that I was getting excited. I have never thought about sex so much as today. In fact, I wanted to read that guide to homosexual sex so much that I purchased it. My boss could most likely see in the computer what I had bought, but there were more people that bought sex guides were there not? There were a few men who bought the playboy magazine. I got over the blushing to the roots of my hair whenever someone bought a book that had to do with sex. I think I would feel more awkward if people bought condoms and lubrication here, but thankfully this is a bookstore.

I felt anxious to go back to the apartment and to read the guide. I hoped that I would not get found out that I had such a book in my possession. I hid the book in my closet and vowed to read it when I would go to bed. Hermione was busy cooking around five o'clock and I looked forward to a nice cooked meal for once. I had eaten too much take-out food as of late. Hermione and I ate in silence but after a while she asked me how my conversation with Seth went.

"Very well," I answered. "He was not angry at me, thankfully and he is now going after Kevin, the waiter at _the Champion_."

"Really?" Hermione asked and started to smirk. "Kevin, as in Pink Highlights, Kevin?"

"Yeah, that Kevin," I nodded. "He told me that it was not such a good idea to have another talk with Draco about his behavior towards me, because I have commented about it before. It might annoy him." Hermione only shrugged at that. "I am very glad that Seth and I are friends again."

"Yes, Seth is a good person and a good friend to have," Hermione said. "Are you still going to church?"

"I have not felt the need to go to church as of late, but I do want to go again sometime this week. I have not been to church in at least two months, but I think I will feel better about going to church now than I ever did before. It felt suffocating before you know? Especially when I lived back in Virginia, it was like everybody knew that I was different every time I went to church. I could not deal with those accusing stares."

"That's understandable. No one would like that," Hermione said and finished her meal. She brought her plate to the counter and returned to the chair opposite from me. "Do you like the food?"

"Yeah, it is good. You are a fine cook, Hermione," I said.

"Really? Draco always told me that my cooking is crap," Hermione said and watched me eat my meal suspiciously with her eyes narrowed.

"Well, I like it," I shrugged and shoved the rest into my mouth. "What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm going to watch a movie at Draco's place," Hermione said.

"Oh?" I said and raised my eyebrows. It was not that I wanted to get invited also because I was now Draco's boyfriend, but I did feel a bit disappointed that Draco did not ask his boyfriend to come along as well. I could not expect Draco to spend every day with me, but still.

"Yeah, he said he missed watching movies with me or something," Hermione shrugged. "It has been a while since we spend an evening together though."

"I hope you have fun," I said and smiled awkwardly. "I am going to read."

"OK, have fun too," Hermione replied and went to get her coat and put it on.

"Thanks," I said and went to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed and waited until I heard the door close, so that I knew for sure that Hermione had left. It would not do to have her see me reading a homosexual sex guide. That would be very embarrassing. When I heard the door close, I walked up to my closet and retrieved the guide. I opened it on the first chapter and skipped the foreword. The first chapter was an introduction to the guide, and with what purpose the book was made. I was anxious to get to the sex positions, but also determined to read the entire book. Chapter two was about gay sex, and my heart sped up when I looked at those pictures. There were a few guidelines which would be very interesting to keep in mind, for example the preparation before sex. There was also something about if you want your first time to be more pleasurable instead of painful, one could try fingering oneself to get used to the idea of getting something inserted in there. That might be an idea. It also said that one could use a dildo or butt-plug to get used to it, but I would probably not have enough courage to actually buy a dildo or butt-plug, as they are called. I licked my lips when I saw pictures of the receiving guy getting prepared through fingering. It looked so incredibly hot. That guy lay on his back and held his legs open at the knee while his partner had two fingers inside him. I was not surprised when I got aroused. I imagined Draco preparing me like that. The next part of the text was about gentle insertion of the penis inside his partner's virginal body. That was literally what it said.

I put the book aside, closed the curtains and lay down on my bed under the covers. I might as well try something. I undid my pants and pulled it down to my ankles. I put my hand onto my crotch and started rubbing myself through my briefs. It had been a long time since I felt sexual pleasure, and nobody was home, so I could indulge myself as long as I kept the noise to a minimum. I spent a few minutes rubbing myself and I got a little bit hard. Then I pulled my underwear down and kicked my pants off. I spread my legs wide under the covers and took my penis in my hand but my fingers crawled down to my testicles. I sighed softly. Then I touched that spot, clear of all hair because I had shaven it. I thought that Draco might appreciate that more and it felt a lot better than when I felt those disgusting hairs. It still felt strange. I brought my index finger to my mouth and made it wet with saliva. Then I gently pushed my finger inside. It felt very strange to have my own finger in there. I wanted to use lubricant, but unfortunately I do not have that and I do not think I could make myself to buy it without feeling horribly embarrassed.

I put my finger further inside. It felt strange to do this and I did not feel very excited, though the thought of Draco doing this to me did excite me. I took my finger out and felt my penis. It had not hardened. One was supposed to get excited right? Perhaps I was doing something wrong. I did read something about stimulating the prostate gland, but how did I know if I found it? I brought my finger back down to the spot and tried again, but I did not feel very excited. I decided not to go any further and to just read the book.

The guide was very interesting and a tad bit arousing. I did not get off, but I got a bit hard. Hermione was not back from her movie night yet, even though it was nine o'clock. Perhaps they decided to do something else first instead of watching a movie immediately. So now I was alone again. I turned on the TV and went through a few channels until I came across a show on Animal Planet about abused animals. It was horrifying what some of those dogs had been through. When it got bloody and gory, I changed the channel. I cannot stand watching animals suffer and get all bloody and mutilated. It reminds me of those commercials about dogs attacking bears for no apparent reason and those same bears are tortured and everything. It was disgusting what people did to animals nowadays. When ten o'clock approached, I decided to go to bed. I had hidden the sex guide very well and went to sleep dreaming about various sex positions and foreplay. With Draco. It was not surprising that he was in every dream that I had. I already knew that I had it bad for the guy and I wanted to be close to him on an intimate level, but I understood that Draco was not ready for that yet. You would think that I would not be ready for that instead of him. I felt like I was more ready than I would have thought at first. I also kept fantasizing about Draco and me in various positions after that.

I did not hear Hermione come home, but I can already guess that it must have been late. I, for one did not want to look like a zombie the next day for work. Actually I felt well rested the next morning, whereas Hermione looked like she had had about three hours of sleep. She uttered a groan at eight in the morning, so I made her a cup of coffee too. "What movie did you watch?"

"_The Last Samurai_ with Tom Cruise," she said and put her head in her hands. "I swear that Draco has some sort of obsession with Japan and the samurai."

"Yeah, I got that sort of vibe from him when I watched _Seven Samurai_ with him," I said. "It was an interesting movie though."

"Yeah, but it's three hours long!" Hermione groaned some more.

"Do you have a hangover?" I asked suddenly.

"How could you tell?" Hermione asked dryly. "Is that coffee done yet?"

"Almost," I said pleasantly. Then I heard the coffee machine gurgle, so I went to the kitchen counter and poured both of us some coffee. "Was the movie fun?"

"It's an American movie, what do you think? At least Tom Cruise's Japanese wasn't that horrible," she said and sipped her coffee as if she had gotten it handed over from the president.

"He speaks Japanese in the movie?" I asked and snorted a bit. "I wonder how long it took for him to get the dialogue right in Japanese."

"No idea, but it's a good movie in my opinion. At least he doesn't sound American and the Japanese actors are real Japanese people. But still, it's a Hollywood movie. There was this adorable scene with a Japanese boy telling Cruise, who played Captain Nathan Algren that he shouldn't go to war or something. The boy was crying and it was a bit touching."

"Aw," I cooed. "Asian kids are cute," I said. "I want to adopt an Asian boy when I'm older."

"Do you think Draco will want the same?" Hermione asked.

"I do not know, I have never asked him what he thinks about children. I do not even know if I will be with Draco in a few years. At this rate we are going … I do not know. I am a bit uncertain."

"Hmm," Hermione said and then sighed. It seemed like the coffee was helping her to sober up a little bit.

"Well, I have to go. I will see you tonight, OK?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Oh, wait! Draco and I are going out for dinner tonight, so I won't be at home when your shift is over."

"Oh," I said and felt again a bit disappointed that Draco did not choose to hang out with me. I know that Draco would want to spend more time with his friends, and that was alright, but I also felt like I should spend more time with him because I am his boyfriend. I felt like there was too much space between us to be really called a couple, because frankly we were not doing anything that couples did.

The first couple of hours are the most boring at the bookstore. Most people drop by around noon and a few women always stopped by to chat with me. It felt nice that people stopped to talk to me, even if they were all women. There was this one girl who always leaned on the counter whenever she came by to talk and she always showed more cleavage every time she came here. I wonder if she was trying to seduce me or something. Just as I thought about it, the woman in question came into the bookstore. She smiled broadly and probably thought that I could not see her because she pushed her breasts up and marched forward. Women like her kind of scare me. She was kind of attractive though, or perhaps pretty is a better word choice.

"Hi," she said. I backed away a little bit because suddenly her face was very close to mine. She smiled and I noticed that she had unbuttoned her blouse a bit more to show more of her breasts. It made me feel uncomfortable of course, especially because she obviously thought that she could seduce me with her shy smile and curly long brown hair. She did have beautiful hazel eyes.

"Hi," I replied. "Can I help you with something?"

"I hope you can," she said and reached over the counter to take my hand. My eyes widened at her forwardness. She held my hand in hers and stroked it while gazing into my eyes. "You see, a friend of mine told me of a cute young man that worked here with dark hair and green eyes, and obviously I have seen for myself that it is true; you are very cute. How old are you?"

"T-twenty-one," I stammered. I felt a bit overwhelmed by her forwardness and she was scaring me a bit with her attitude.

"Twenty-one," she repeated softly. "Where are you from? You're not from New York are you?"

"N-no," I said and shook my head. "I am from Virginia."

"Virginia, really? You're a real gentleman then," she said. "My name is Jennifer."

"My name is Harry." This was surreal. I was getting hit on by a woman for the first time in my life. Apparently she could not see that I was gay.

"Well, Harry," she said and seemed more persistent all of a sudden. "Would you like going out sometime for a drink? I've had my eye on you for a while now."

"You have?"

"Oh, yes," she nodded.

And while she was telling me why she had had her eye on me for a while now, I saw Draco come into the store. I tried to catch his eye, but for some reason he would not look at me. He came closer to the counter while looking at a few books. I wanted him to save me from this woman. I never gave her the idea that I liked her too, did I? Or did I? I smiled at her to let her think that I was still listening while I desperately wanted Draco to pull me against him and kiss me, but that would not happen because of his dislike for PDA. When Draco moved out of sight, I turned back to the girl and squeezed her hand.

"―so I thought that I could ask you out on a date," she finished. "Do you have a girlfriend by the way?"

"Eh, no," I said and I wanted to tell her that I had a boyfriend instead, but something stopped me from doing so. Perhaps it was her relieved face and eager expression that did it.

"Oh that's great," she smiled. "Although I cannot understand why you would not have a girlfriend."

"I can," a voice said from behind Jennifer. It was Draco of course, choosing the perfect time to shatter Jennifer's plan of going out with me.

Jennifer looked suspiciously at Draco while he approached us at the counter and stood next to her. He looked down at me, challenging me almost to tell this girl why I had no girlfriend. "Pardon me, but I don't think that you are a part of this conversation," she said.

"You think correctly," Draco said. "However, I do know why he has no girlfriend."

"Oh, really? How would you know?" she demanded and put her hand at her side.

"Because I know him personally," Draco shrugged. "He doesn't like girls a lot," he whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Draco went on, "that he doesn't like girls. Do you know what that means?"

"No?" she said.

"He likes guys," Draco still whispered. "Duh."

Jennifer's jaw dropped a little bit and then she looked at me as if for confirmation. I could not even speak, let alone give her a reaction. She promptly let go of my hand and a red color appeared on her cheeks. "Oh my," she said and buttoned up her blouse a little bit more. "I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me." She left without a glance back and shut the door a bit harshly. I winced when the bell jingled loudly. I watched her cross the street hastily and felt a little bit disappointed that she left because she was very nice, if not a bit forward.

"Oh, I'm sorry, wasn't I supposed to tell her that you're gay, Harry?" Draco asked.

"I did not even know that she was interested in me," I said and looked up at him.

"Well, best not add any more fuel to the fire, right?"

"Right, how was your movie night with Hermione? Was it fun?" I tried not to let him notice that I wanted to spend more time with him as a boyfriend instead of a friend, but I told myself to shut up because Draco obviously preferred this over being all chummy and over each other every time we meet.

"Yeah, it was cool," he shrugged and leaned over the counter. "Hermione said you almost seemed disappointed when she told you that she would be watching a movie with me. How come?"

"I was not disappointed," I lied. "Besides I planned to read a book in peace and with Hermione gone I successfully read it."

"Oh, yeah, what book was it? Do I know it?" Draco asked curiously.

"Er … it is the book about Japan," I said. "Hermione said that you watched _The Last Samurai_. Was it a good movie?"

"Hmm," Draco hummed. "At least Tom Cruise's Japanese accent didn't sound too horrible. And at least they portrayed the Japanese a little bit better this time. And the Japanese people were actual Japanese actors." Suddenly he grinned. "Watching Tom Cruise hop around in armor is pretty hot. And the son of the feared rebel leader Katsumoto is pretty hot too. It's too bad that his hair gets cut off though."

"Ah," I said. "So what are you doing here?"

"I came by to see you," Draco said and reached out with his hand. He stroked my cheek and I looked away. "That girl was right, you are very cute." Then he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

"What about your dislike of PDA?" I wondered.

"A kiss in public every once in a while isn't that bad," Draco shrugged and nipped my ear. I could feel him grin when I shivered. I never knew before that my ears were that sensitive to nipping. It did feel good. "I'm not going to shove my tongue down your throat in public however."

"That is alright," I replied. Draco pecked me on my lips and pulled away.

"I'll see you tonight," he said.

"But were you not having dinner with Hermione?" I asked.

"Yeah, but also with Marc, Sirius, Hermione's idiot boyfriend and now I am inviting you. Otherwise it wouldn't be a triple date, right?"

"Right," I said and smiled. "Will you pick me up then?"

"Of course," Draco said and winked before he strode out of the bookstore. My eyes followed him until I could not see him anymore.

I was excited for the triple date. I had no idea when Draco would come and pick me up, but I did know that Hermione was not at home. I shrugged it off, and thought that she might be with her boyfriend or something. At around seven o'clock I was ready, I had made an effort in doing my hair and my bangs brushed my cheeks nicely and it did not look too much like a bird's nest. I was waiting anxiously and felt very excited for this triple date with the others.

Slowly my excitement died down a little bit when half an hour had passed and there was still no knock on the door from Draco. I checked my cell phone for any missed phone calls when I realized that Draco did not have my phone number. But Hermione did have it, so if something came up Draco could ask Hermione for my phone number and cancel. When eight o'clock approached I sighed heavily. It reminded me of my seventeenth birthday when no one had shown up save for a few people who would already be delayed. But this feeling of disappointment and sadness was much more intense than how I felt on my birthday. Draco had not forgotten had he? When it was half past nine, I went into my bedroom and changed out of my clothes. Draco would not be coming anymore. Tears filled my eyes as I drew the curtains and lay down in bed in nothing but my underwear. I closed my eyes and refused to break down and cry because my boyfriend had forgotten to pick me up.

Sometime later I got shaken awake by someone who was very persistent in trying to wake me up.

"Harry," someone said behind me and touched my shoulder and started to shake me awake. "Harry, wake up."

"Don' want to," I groaned and pulled the covers over my head.

"Harry, you've got to wake up, otherwise you'll be too late for our date," the voice said.

"I was forgotten," I mumbled and turned over to my other side so that I faced this person who lay next to me. "You forgot me."

"No, I didn't," Draco said. "I'm here, aren't I? Perhaps I should've told you that we had changed plans and decided to go to the cinema at nine thirty. I don't have your number though."

"Hermione does," I replied and opened my eyes.

"Have you been crying?" Draco suddenly asked.

I was not even awake enough to deny that and just shrugged and stared at my blankets.

"Baby," Draco said and pulled me against him. "I didn't forget you. How long were you waiting?"

"Since seven o'clock," I mumbled into his chest. "I thought you would pick me up on time because we would have dinner."

"Aw, baby," Draco said and pressed his lips against my forehead.

"Do we really have to go to the cinema?" I asked, feeling comforted by Draco's arms around me. "Can you not stay here? With me?"

"Are you feeling horny again?"

"No, I just want you here," I replied and put my own arm around Draco's waist. "Can you cancel the date with the others?"

"We'll have to take a rain check then," Draco said. "I'm sorry that you thought that I had forgotten about you. I wouldn't forget you, Harry and I always keep my promises."

"That's good to know," I said and closed my eyes again.

I knew that Draco stayed with me overnight because I felt his body against mine and apparently we were still in the same position we went to sleep in. I was glad that he had stayed and it felt good to wake up next to someone that I loved. I moved my hand up and down his back and cautiously touched his buttocks. I glanced at him through sleep blurred eyes and still marveled at how good looking he was. And he had a nice firm butt too.

"Stop fondling my ass, Harry," Draco mumbled into my hair. "It's too early for sex."

I snorted and put some space between us when Draco opened his eyes, though my hand did not leave his waist, but I stopped 'fondling' him. "Good morning," I said. "I am glad that you stayed here. I did not feel like going to the cinema anymore."

"I understand," Draco said and stroked my bare back. "Look, I know that you want more touching and kissing between us and everything, and I'm sorry if I'm not what you expected, but I just want to take this slow, OK? I rushed into a few things with my ex, and I wish I could have done that differently."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Well, I should've told him that I wanted to settle down instead of letting him party on until four in the morning," Draco said. "I didn't like the fact that he was coming home late, and sometimes I feared for his safety because there had been a gay bashing incident a couple of years ago around here. I told Blaise that I didn't like it and he said, 'It won't happen to me, babe,' and blah, blah, blah. It didn't happen to him indeed, and I knew I should be able to let Blaise go out alone without having to babysit him. But I still didn't like it. It's those small things I wish I had done differently. But that's in the past now."

"Yeah," I said. "There are moments when I wish that we were closer on a physical and intimate level, but I understand where you are coming from, considering the fact that we have not even been going out for a week."

"Exactly," he said. "And sometimes I really have to stop myself from touching you because I'm afraid I'll go too far."

"Sometimes you just have to take the risk," I said softly.

"Hmm," Draco hummed. "Did my ass feel nice?"

I chuckled and patted his bum. "You have a nice firm butt."

"Yeah?" Draco asked. "I think that you have a nice firm butt too. A nice squeezable one too," he said and put his hand on my waist like I did to him. Then his hand slid onto my butt and he squeezed the cheek. I closed my eyes and parted my legs a little bit. His fingers probed closer to that small intimate spot, but for some reason I got the feeling that Draco was hesitant. I let him know that it was OK by burying my face in his bare chest and sliding my fingers across his nipple. I kissed his chest softly while he was feeling up my bum.

"I thought you said it was too early for sex?" I asked and bit my lower lip to stop myself from making any embarrassing sounds. I felt butterflies in my belly when he started touching and rubbing that spot and every now and again his fingers would touch my hardening penis. I held onto Draco as if letting him go would mean that it would be the end. I felt such pleasure, such foreign sensations that I was very willing to explore further, that I could do nothing more than breathe deeply and cling to Draco with my eyes closed.

"You're getting very hard," Draco whispered into my ear. "Do you like what I'm doing? Do you like me touching you down there?"

"Yeah," I gasped and promptly bit my lip again. I chastised myself in my mind for sounding like such a … a … a whore. I could not stop the moan that escaped out of my mouth when Draco's hand reached into my underwear and rubbed my hard penis. Then his hand slipped out and a few seconds later his hand was back on my butt this time. I felt something wet touching me and I figured that Draco had made his finger wet, just like I had done yesterday when I was experimenting. Only Draco's finger did feel a lot better than mine had. I suppose I am not really fond of masturbation, at least not what fingering was concerned. The feeling that Draco gave me when he touched me already told me that I would like getting touched by Draco. I spread my legs wider for him and I felt not at all nervous that he had his fingers down there. I wanted release, I wanted to feel pleasure and I wanted to experience this with the man that I loved. Lord, I have gotten sappy.

"Good," Draco said and circled that spot. "If this is too much or if you don't enjoy it, I want you to tell me immediately, OK?" Then he pushed his finger in. I groaned. Loudly. My hips bucked and I rubbed my penis against his thigh. I was practically riding him like a dog would ride a human leg. "Are you going to come, Harry?"

"Yeah!" I moaned when his finger started to move in and out of me. I felt my penis pulsing, I thought that it would explode. When I felt his finger twist inside me, my stomach did somersaults in my body and I felt like a quivering wreck. I definitely liked it much better when Draco fingered me.

"You're so tight," Draco whispered and twisted his finger inside me. Then I felt another finger go inside. "Do you have lube around here?"

"No," I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. The two fingers did not hurt, but it felt slightly uncomfortable and I could already guess why Draco asked for lube. It would make things easier with lube instead of with saliva. I probably would not even care if Draco put his penis inside me just then; I was so hard and aroused that I only cared about coming. I did not even care that I was very new to these things and that it was my first time experiencing them. I just did not care at that point. I was too far gone. "Draco please," I muttered.

"What? Do you want to come?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed and brought my own hand down to my penis and started pulling at it. Then I came. My hips jerked forward as I came and I panted into Draco's chest. I felt the fingers move out of me and Draco wrapped his arms around me while I was still recovering from that amazing orgasm.

"I didn't know that you shave yourself," Draco murmured into my ear. "That feels nice," he whispered hotly and nipped at the tip of my ear. Then he licked it. _Licked it._ I groaned softly and looked up at him.

"That felt really good," I whispered and kissed him.

"I'm glad it did," he replied and kissed my temple as I lay my head back down on his chest.

"What about you?" I asked.

"What about me?"

"Well, do you not want to … you know?"

"Get off? Orgasm?" Draco raised an eyebrow and snorted. "I would love to, but I think I'll do it on my own or ignore it."

"Why? I could … um …" I said and felt my cheeks heat up.

"Harry, I don't want you to do that because you feel obligated to do it, OK? I want you to do it if you really want to do it. You seem rather uncomfortable at the moment. Just relax, OK? We just had our first sexual experience together as a couple, and I'm trying hard―no pun intended―not to reach down and pull at my cock until I come."

"Why do you not touch yourself and I can watch your face when you come," I whispered. "I want to see what you look like when you are in ecstasy."

"Such naughty words," Draco said. "Do you want to see it or should I keep myself covered?"

"Um … I am not sure if … I … You know," I stammered. I felt nervous about seeing his penis, but that did not mean that I did not want to see it. I was curious and nervous.

"My cock probably looks the same as yours," Draco said.

"If not bigger," I said and looked at his covered crotch. I could faintly see the outline of his erection.

"Oh, you've fantasized about the size of my cock, have you?" Draco asked and took my right hand that I had put on his waist while I lay half on top of him. Then Draco brought my hand lower until I felt something very hard touching my hand. I looked at Draco with my eyes widening while he moved my hand up and down his large penis. I had already assumed that he would be big, but to actually feel for myself … It frightened me a little. "Don't be scared, Harry," Draco whispered. "It's just flesh and blood; it's not going to eat you."

"I-I know," I stammered and glanced down at my hand when Draco released it. Now that I had touched it, I could see very well just how big his erection was. And Draco assumed that that would go inside me? He would never fit! Even if he could fit in there, I would imagine―no, I _know_―that that must hurt very much. And I do not like pain a lot. I swallowed thickly and very slowly slid my hand up and down. If Draco did not like it, he would tell me, I hoped. Still, I kept looking at his face, but his eyes were closed and he was biting his lower lip.

"Fuck," Draco whispered. "Christ, I know that you're new to this, but I'm going to _explode_." He pulled the sheet down to his knees and I stared at his uncovered penis as if it was a monster from space that just proposed to me. It was big! My Lord … Was he now expecting me to touch him again? I looked at his face again and this time Draco was staring back at me. "You don't have to if you don't want to, you know that right?"

I nodded feebly and swallowed again. Now I knew what people meant by 'hung as a horse', although I really do not want to think about a horse's genitalia. I could not really tell if he was circumcised or not because his penis was so erect. I cautiously touched the soft skin and wrapped my hand around it. Then I moved my hand up and down. I glanced at Draco's face again and felt a small amount of satisfaction because Draco was obviously enjoying getting touched like that. I touched his testicles and smiled at the hiss that I got out of Draco. His hips bucked upwards. Would he move like that as well with him inside me? That thought sent a swarm of butterflies through me. It felt a bit arousing to be touching Draco's penis.

"Harry," Draco murmured and opened his eyes. His pupils had gone very big, and obviously he was very aroused. "Can you move your hand a bit faster? Like this," he said and took hold of my hand that was wrapped around him. Then he moved it faster and he started to move his hips as well. Then he let go of my hand. I kept up the pace that Draco had set. "Oh," he moaned. "Faster," he whispered.

I moved my hand faster while anxiously keeping an eye on Draco's face to make sure that he enjoyed himself, and he obviously was if the sounds he made were anything to guess by. Suddenly I felt a hand in my neck and my head got pulled down. Draco kissed me hard on my lips and thrust his tongue inside my mouth. I was a bit startled, so I stopped moving my hand, but Draco moved his hips so that his penis moved up and down in my hand. I moved my hand again and a couple of seconds later I heard Draco groan and I just knew that he was coming, so I stopped moving my hand up and down but I kept on kissing him.

"Hmm," Draco hummed and pulled away. "That felt great," he said. "Good way to start the day."

"Yeah," I said and let go of his penis. The thing had gone quite purple. Was that healthy? Before I could even ask anything, Draco was kissing me softly and pulled me on top of him. That was not quite what I had expected, but I understood why when Draco cupped my buttocks in his hands and thrust his penis against me. "Are _you _horny?" I asked. The feel of that big thing against me was a bit weird.

"Me? No way, I'm never horny," Draco said with a completely straight face, although he was probably bullshitting me. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Yeah, I did," I said. "Could you not tell?"

"Often your body responds to certain things without the mind consenting," Draco murmured. "I know that you're not ready what sex is concerned, and I wasn't either, or so I thought … But having this first taste of it with you, I'm not so certain anymore of how not ready I am for it. I just want you to know that you can say no anytime you want, OK? I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do and I don't want you to allow things that you feel uncomfortable with."

"I know," I nodded. "I have wanted to be closer to you on an intimate level, because at first I was not really sure of what to do because you reacted very differently than Seth did. I suppose I am more ready to do sexual things than I first thought too. I do not want you to hold back because I was raised the way I was, OK?"

"Yeah, OK," Draco nodded. "So … were you nervous at all just now?"

"You sound like we just had sex," I said and snorted a bit. "It felt fine and I was not really nervous because my mind was foggy. I just wanted to get off," I whispered and kissed his bare shoulder.

"Mission accomplished," Draco quipped and stared at the ceiling. "Was that the first time you jerked a guy off?"

"Yeah," I said and suddenly felt a bit nervous. Draco could probably tell that that was the first time I had touched another man's penis. I had seemed very hesitant and even though Draco said that it was just flesh and blood and that it would not eat me, I was quite intimidated by his big manhood. "I know I am not very good at doing … it." I pulled away from Draco and lay on my back and stared at the ceiling as well. My chest tightened uncomfortably. "I am not an expert."

"I know."

What if Draco wanted someone who was more experienced and who knew how to bring a guy off? I was not like that at all. I had not even touched myself a lot and I probably had not done a very good job satisfying Draco, even though he had an orgasm. It was just a reaction of the body. And I probably sounded like a whore to him when he touched me, a whore who is feeling pleasure for the first time or something.

"Are you OK?" Draco asked.

"Did it feel good? What I did to you?"

"Yeah," Draco said and rolled onto his side and looked down at me. "It felt great. Why do you ask?"

"Because I have never done that before and I just wanted to make sure that you did like it," I shrugged.

"Harry, don't be so insecure," Draco said and kissed my cheek. "It felt good. I liked it, don't worry, OK?"

After that, I did not worry about my inexperience and my doubt whether or not I could satisfy Draco as a partner. We stayed in bed a long time and told each other what we liked in bed, even if I did so reluctantly. I did not think that I would have a conversation like that so early in a relationship, but the dirty talk turned me on and Draco knew it; he began to grin and started touching my penis under the blankets. In the end he jerked me off and I had to bite my fist very hard to stop making any embarrassing sounds. Draco was kissing my neck and telling me how much he would like to pound inside my tight ass. Those were his exact words. Then I came. How could I not come from those dirty and arousing words? Draco had discovered something new that turned me on. Then I felt very tired, which came as no surprise to me. We had to get out of bed anyhow. When I washed up, I checked out my jaw and saw that it was not very swollen anymore. It was still a little bit red, but it had looked worse. I asked Draco if I could use the shower and he suggested taking a shower together. My cheeks heated up a little bit, but I nodded and agreed to it anyway. Showering together seemed something intimate to me and I was still a little bit embarrassed about seeing Draco naked. In the end we washed ourselves, made out and then nothing happened after that. It did feel nice. I was less afraid now of getting closer to him now that I had had a first taste of it. All I wanted now was to be as close to Draco as possible. I smiled at the butterflies that I felt in my belly.


	16. 14 Part XIV

Part XIV

I said that I wanted to get closer to Draco right? A month or two had passed and we did not do anything remotely intimate anymore. Not what we had done in his bed at any rate. Sure, we kissed and he pecked me on my lips goodnight and quickly walked off afterwards. I felt like things had not moved forward much, even though the two intimate moments that had happened between us a couple of weeks ago were great, nothing more happened of the sort. I wanted more. Call me greedy, but I wanted us to be close. I wanted to know what making love felt like with someone you loved, but why was Draco pulling away? I did not dare to ask Hermione _again_, since I was bothering her a bit too much about my relationship with Draco, in my opinion. I called Marc and Sirius over for a chat.

I watched the happy couple that sat next to me on the black sofa. I explained the situation to them and stuttered a bit when I told them the story of our few intimate moments together. They did not laugh, fortunately. Marc was listening intently to what I said and I asked him why Draco behaved like he was behaving, because I did not understand it. Men are supposed to think about sex twenty-four seven, right? I think that sex was the furthest thing on Draco's mind right now.

"I want to be closer to Draco on an intimate level," I said. "I think that I'm ready."

"Does Draco know that?" Marc asked.

"I don't know," I replied. "All I know is that he walks away from me after we say goodbye and I haven't seen his bedroom for two months. Sometimes we sit of the sofa and watch a movie and we don't do anything. Other times we make out and grope each other and that's it. Nothing comes after that. It's like he really wants to touch me, but at the same time it's like he doesn't want to or that he's repulsed or something." I leaned in closer to Marc and whispered lowly, "I even shave myself for him. Perhaps to save myself the humiliation or perhaps I don't want to see Draco's disgusted face."

"What do you mean? Do you shave your crotch? Who cares? A lot of gay guys do that," Marc shrugged. "Straight guys too, by the way. I knew my friend Steve―a very straight macho guy―shaves his crotch. Perhaps to make his cock look bigger when flaccid," he added.

"When did you see his cock?" Sirius asked and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Christ," Marc scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I saw him under the shower―naked―after soccer practice. Yes, I was on the soccer team in high school and I was damned good. Though when my school found that I was gay, they wanted me out of the team because no one liked undressing and showering naked in front of the gay boy. I quit voluntarily, even though I played an important part on the team. Shit happens."

"Do you think I should shave my crotch?" I asked thoughtfully.

"Well, I thought that―um," Marc said and glanced sideways at Sirius.

"What? Well sorry, but I don't want those disgusting hairs down there, OK? It gives me the chills of disgust."

"OK, whatever floats your boat," Sirius said. "Usually that part only gets shaved if the partner in question is receiving a rim job. Sometimes it doesn't and both partners feel OK with however many hairs are down there. Thankfully Marc isn't very hairy," he added in a whisper.

"Sirius!" Marc hissed. "You might as well call me a queen, or a thirteen year old boy."

"I didn't call you a―I didn't say that you were a queen, Marc and you're definitely not a thirteen year old boy. I just said that I am grateful that you're not very hairy," he shrugged.

"What's a rim job?" I asked and suddenly Marc and Sirius turned to me and stared at me.

"Dude, you're like, what, five months into the gay scene and you don't know what a rim job is?" Sirius asked and raised a dark eyebrow. "OK, a rim job is when um … you know … It's like … Er … Oh Jesus why am I the one trying to explain what a rim job is?" He scratched the back of his head and looked at his boyfriend. It was very clear to me who the receiving partner was in that relationship.

Marc rolled his eyes once more. "You're such a prude, Sirius," he said. "A rim job is when your anus is orally stimulated. In other words, your boyfriend goes down on you, sort of."

"That is disgusting," I said. "Surely that can't be safe?"

"Well … if both guys sleep around a lot, then the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases is much bigger. Though let's say if Draco decides to give you a rim job, it wouldn't hurt a lot, since you're a virgin. It feels really good though," Marc said. "It can also act as preparation for anal penetration."

"OK," I said. "Does Draco like rough sex?"

"Yes," Marc said. "But he would never do you rough if he knows that you're not into that. Blaise was into it. He liked a good hard pounding. Good God, I remember when Draco would tell me how Blaise would coax him into hardcore fucking. You know, you can agree with something to do your lover a favor, but he always knows when it's too much or when you don't enjoy it. He would definitely not do that during your first time. I can't imagine that you would want that either."

"No, I wouldn't," I said and shook my head. "But if he likes that, then how can I satisfy him?"

"Honey, Draco likes other things besides a good hard fuck," Marc said. "I don't know what exactly, since I don't really want to know, but I do know that Draco loved it when Blaise went down on him. He even fingered Draco a couple of times, that slimy little twit."

"Is that bad thing?"

"No, of course not," Marc said. "You need to find out for yourself what you both like to do to each other. Perhaps you could make a first move."

Perhaps I could make a first move. I thought that guys like Draco wouldn't like anything getting near their … you know … _entrance_ so to speak. People call it that, don't they? To use the word hole sounds too vulgar to me. Actually, I had wondered a couple of times how it would feel to have Draco's penis in my mouth. Thinking about it made me feel curious and also slightly nervous. I suppose I want things to be too perfect. I suppose that I want my first time to be so perfect, but it should just happen spontaneously. Unexpectedly. That would make it memorable, I think. I shouldn't think so much about it, but frankly, Draco was leaving me unsatisfied whenever we got it on. And even that was not very often.

Do you know the feeling when you get annoyed because of the things you think or say or do? I am feeling like that right now. You might think that I'm whining too much, but you would feel insecure as well if your boyfriend turns away from you as if you've got the plague or something. I also notice that Draco is often gone or he comes up with an excuse not to meet with me. That sounds more serious than I take it, but I suppose I don't want to see what that might mean. _He could have another lover._ Someone who might jump at the chance of sleeping with him, or perhaps someone who is experienced and knows what could satisfy a man properly. Perhaps Draco had enough of my inexperience and my innocence. It sounds stupid to my own ears, but where else could he be if not at a club or bar or at someone's place? I never see Hermione anymore, I rarely see Draco and suddenly Marc and Sirius are too busy to meet with me as well. What was going on? Did everyone know that Draco had a new lover and did they want to avoid me because of that? Perhaps I'm getting a bit paranoid, I admit that.

I was currently sitting alone on the black sofa, staring at the flat TV screen. Hermione had not been home for a good week. She never spent that much time at her boyfriend's place. And ever since my conversation with Marc and Sirius, I have wanted to take the first move, but Draco was somehow unreachable. He did not pick up his phone and he didn't open the door when I knocked on it. He always opens the door for me. I am going mad because I want answers.

Without even really thinking about what I was doing, I had stood up and marched out of the apartment and down the hallway to Draco's apartment. The letters on the door seemed to stare at me as I raised my fist. Oh, what the hell was I doing? It was eleven thirty in the evening. Draco probably had to work the next day―just like I did―and he was probably already lying in bed. Still, being his boyfriend, I am sure that I have the privilege of saying goodnight to him. I knocked twice, rather softly, because I did not want to seem paranoid and because I did not want to wake him up if he was indeed asleep.

"Draco," I muttered softly and knocked again. No answer. I reached for the doorknob and twisted it. His door had been unlocked a few times before, so perhaps tonight was my lucky night. The apartment was dark, but there was a strip of light coming from under the door to the bathroom, so I went there to investigate. I wish I hadn't. I saw a pile of clothes lying on the tiled floor and they were not Draco's. I even saw a pair of underwear. I took a deep breath, wondering why the hell the light was on in the bathroom if Draco and whoever he had with him were in the bedroom. I wanted to know what was going on, so I opened the door to his bedroom.

His bedroom was dark, but thanks to the light coming in from the bathroom, I could see very well what was going on. The first thing I saw was a handsome guy, who apparently wore nothing. I saw Draco's pale arm across his waist and Draco himself lay behind the guy and I don't think that there was any space between the two of them. So this is what Draco had been doing for the past two months. This made me think of that one time that I had seen Seth with another man in bed, but I don't think that these two right there were discussing work or something. And it was definitely not a friend who needed a place to crash. This was a lover.

It hurt me a lot, and I closed the bedroom door again and remembered writing a note addressed to Draco―there was no doubt in my mind that he would let that twit read it as well―and I left the place. I couldn't sleep, and I got up rather looking like a zombie. I had bags under my eyes and I believe that I downed three cups of coffee to wake me up a little bit. And then my heart broke. I cried while stuffing two sandwiches into my mouth and when I got to the bookstore, my boss even commented on how awful I looked. I told her why I felt like shit and why I looked like this. She felt sorry for me and offered me the day off, but I waved it off. I was not going to take the day off because my boyfriend―whom I really loved―was cheating on me.

"Still, I'll buy you some chocolate muffins then, honey," she said. "Chocolate helps against a broken heart, sweetie," she said and rubbed my back.

"I wrote him a note," I said. "I wrote that we need to talk and that I want him to meet me here at six tonight. I'm not sure if he'll come, but …" I said and felt more tears course down my cheeks.

"Take the day off, sweetie," she insisted and grabbed my cheeks and squeezed them gently. "You need it."

Well, I did not take the day off, but I did leave the store for a short while to buy some chocolate at the grocery store. I also bought a chocolate bar for my boss. When I walked back to the bookstore, I thought I saw Draco with that guy, but I am not sure. I saw a very tall blond man in any case. I did not like that of course, even if it wasn't Draco. I was starting to feel quite depressed. My boss was happy with the chocolate bar and said that she would save it for her lunch break. I did not have a lot of customers thankfully, because I did not really feel like putting up a friendly happy face. I felt very down and everything went by in a blur. I can't remember the faces of the customers I had had in the store. By the time it was six o'clock, I began to dread the moment when Draco would step into the store, even though I was unsure if he would even show up at all. I went to the back and put on my coat. I didn't think that Draco would come anymore. I had not heard from him in a week, and perhaps he was wondering when the hell I had gotten into his apartment. I sighed, glanced at the clock―which just struck two minutes past six―and said goodbye to my boss. It was September, so I already started dressing a bit warmer, since today matched my mood quite well because the sky was quite clouded for autumn.

"Harry!"

I turned around and saw Draco standing there, wearing his long black coat and a black scarf around his neck. He approached me and immediately this very serious look appeared on his face.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I wanted to say, 'as if you don't know that', but I found it difficult to get mad at him, especially when he looked at me as if he didn't know why I was feeling like shit. Pardon my language. Besides, I don't want him hitting me if I said something that angered him again. I swallowed and looked away from his questioning eyes. "Can we walk for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure," Draco nodded. "So, what's up? Why are you looking as if you just found out that someone died? No one died, right?"

"No, no one passed away," I said and shook my head. "I eh … Well … I have been wondering about something for a while now, and I had a talk with Marc and Sirius a few days ago about it, and … they said that I should definitely do or say something about it … to you, that is. I have been confused about something for a while now and I would like to speak with you about it," I said. I kept a close eye on Draco's facial expression, but it had not changed very much from his first initial worried one. "So I came by your apartment last night, because I wanted to talk, but … it seemed like you were busy with something else," I finished carefully.

"What do you mean?" he asked, and frowned his eyebrows. If I had not seen what I saw yesterday evening, I would have thought that he indeed did not know what was wrong.

"I knocked on the door at eleven thirty in the evening," I said. "I know that was a bit late, but I had not seen you in a week and I really needed to speak with you, so I decided to visit you. The door was unlocked, so I went inside and I saw a strip of light coming from the bathroom, so I thought that perhaps you were showering or something …"

"You went into my bedroom?"

I nodded. OK, I know that it's not very healthy when you're afraid of your boyfriend, but I suppose that I was more afraid that he would get angry, even though he was the one who cheated on me. Draco did not say anything and just looked at the pavement underneath his feet.

"You saw Jake didn't you?"

"Yes," I said. An awful feeling gnawed at my belly and I felt like crying right there. "You could have said something to me."

"Why should I? I can decide for myself who I hang out with, don't I?" Draco said.

"You could've at least told me you had gotten sick of me or something," I replied, trying hard not to break down because I was feeling very hurt. It hurt even more because Draco was reacting so indifferently. "You could've told me that you had gotten sick of waiting or whatever. Wasn't I good enough anymore? Did I do something wrong? Do I disgust you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Draco asked softly and grabbed the front of my coat. He stared down at me with this awful expression on his face. It made me cry. "Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"I love you," I said softly, wondering if that even meant something to him. Had he used me all this time until something better walked by?

"Yes, I know," he nodded and glanced at me some more and shrugged as if to say, 'so?'. "Look, I know it might have looked strange to see me with Jake, but there is nothing going on between us, if that's what you think."

"Nothing? So I imagined you lying behind him in bed? You were cuddling up to him! Who is he, Draco?" I demanded.

"Can we discuss this somewhere more private?"

"Is he at your place right now?"

"What?"

"Is he there?"

"Yes! He is waiting for me," he said. "Christ."

I turned away from him and stalked down the street and went into the apartment building. I heard Draco cursing and running after me, but I can be pretty fast, it seemed. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of apartment number twenty and Draco was just running in after me. I slammed the door open and spotted this Jake guy sitting on the couch, watching TV. He was surprisingly good looking, or perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised. Remember what I said about people like Draco always attracting equally as beautiful people? It proved to be true after all. Jake was staring at me and looked at Draco, who was standing behind me. Then I went into the apartment and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for an explanation.

"Draco, who is he?" the stranger asked.

"A very angry person who wants answers, now," I replied. At this point, I didn't even care that I was crying anymore. Jake frowned at me and got off the couch. He approached Draco and I watched them touch and it made me physically ill. "OK, I get it. I get it."

"I don't think you do," Jake said.

"No, really I do," I insisted and went for the door. I could not do this and watch them together. "Everything is crystal clear to me now. Will you please let me through?" I asked when Draco blocked my way to the door.

"You need to let me explain first," Draco said. "There is nothing between us, OK?"

"You don't have to lie, I am not a child. Don't think that I'm incapable of dealing with this," I snarled. He looked taken aback for a moment and I used that second to worm my way behind him and I wrenched the door open. I quickly went to my own apartment and locked the door so I would not have an unexpected visitor walking in behind me, wanting to explain the situation that was more than clear to me; Draco did not want me anymore and he had found someone else. Good for him. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and slid down the tiled floor. I broke down and cried until my throat was sore. I shakily got to my feet again and looked at myself in the mirror. What did that Jake guy have that I didn't? Well, looks for one. My face was all red and blotchy. I understood why Draco would trade me for someone better looking. I was not exactly a catch. I loathed my hair. It made me look like a bloody girl, like my mother always used to say. Mother said that living this lifestyle would hurt me. It hurt indeed. It hurt a lot. She was right.

I reached for the first drawer and took out a pair of scissors. I had never cut my own hair before, but then again, I was not thinking clearly to actually think about what I was doing. I cut my hair short and watched the sink turn black from all the hairs that fell down. Then I took my razor and cut off the rest. I looked like a skinhead in my opinion, but at least I did not have that disgusting hair anymore. The hair that Draco liked so much. I watched more tears course down my cheeks and I looked down at the razor and at my arms. The need to cut was overwhelming and it did not take long before I had rolled up my sleeves and there was blood dripping down my left arm. Three drops fell onto the tiles. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, confused and I loathed myself. I suddenly felt a painful sting in my arm and saw that I had cut deeper than I usually do. Well, who was going to care anyway? Hermione was not there, I had not heard from Marc and Sirius again, and Draco sure as hell would not care. Perhaps he thought it sucked that I had finally found out. So that is what he had been doing for two months. Reminding myself of that again, I resumed cutting into my arm, until I had more blood dripping onto the tiles. After a while I began to feel a bit faint. I remember letting the razor drop onto the floor and then suddenly I was lying on the floor as well. There was a puddle of blood lying on the floor and I heard some strange pounding. Was that in my head? My eyes slid closed. It felt good to have them closed. I felt peaceful all of a sudden, but I did not feel my legs anymore. It did not bother me too much. And when I tried to open my eyes, my body hardly listened. It did not bother me too much.

When I opened my eyes again, I looked at a white ceiling. That was not so strange because the ceiling in the bathroom is pearly white as well. Still, there was something different about this ceiling.

"Harry? Are you awake?" I heard someone say. I thought that it was Draco, but what was he doing here? I was not lying on the bathroom tiles, because I felt something very soft underneath me. Was I lying in my bed? Why was he at my apartment? How had he gotten in? I suddenly noticed that it was difficult to open my eyes and to keep them open. I felt very weak. "Baby," he whispered. "You're in the hospital."

What? I opened my mouth to speak, but there was no sound. What the hell was going on? Since when was I lying in the hospital and why was Draco there? Where were my parents? Where was everybody else that I knew?

"Is Mr. Potter awake?" a female voice said.

"Yes, he opened his eyes and he tried to speak," Draco replied. "I said that he was lying in the hospital."

"Alright," came the reply and suddenly there was this woman hanging over me. She smiled kindly at me. "Hello, Mr. Potter. My name is Amy and I was assigned to care for you. I understand that you feel weak at the moment, and you will feel a bit weak for a few days. You lost quite an amount of blood, Mr. Potter. You will need to stay in the hospital for about a week. We will take excellent care of you while you're staying here."

What? A hospital? What had happened? Where were my parents then if something had happened to me? Why was Draco here? I tried to speak again, but there was no sound again. Suddenly a plastic cup was pushed in front of me and I managed to catch the straw in between my teeth. The water was refreshing and it soothed my sore throat. The cup moved away too soon, but the nurse said that I should not drink so much so quickly or something. The nurse left the white room, so now I was alone with Draco. I often wished that I could be alone with Draco, but I never would have imagined being alone with him like this in this particular situation.

"Why are you here?" I asked softly.

"Because I was worried about you," he replied bluntly.

"Oh."

"Why do you think that I'm cheating on you? Why won't you let me explain the situation to you? Why do you walk away from your problems?"

"I'm not walking away from my problems," I said. "I just … I don't want to feel more hurt than I already feel. I saw you in bed together, Draco. I know what I saw."

"You jumped to conclusions," Draco said. "I've known Jake for quite a few years and he returned from Europe yesterday. He had been working in the Netherlands and we still spoke to each other occasionally on the phone. Well, he came back yesterday and we sort of celebrated that. Yes, he is attracted to men, and no, he wasn't naked when you saw us in bed. He was wearing a pair of boxers and a pair of bottoms of mine because he had lost his luggage at the airport. We're friends, not lovers. If you had stayed to let me tell you that, then this wouldn't have happened. I would never cheat on you, Harry. I know how getting cheated on feels, and I can tell you that it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Why would I do that to you? I'm crazy about you."

"Really? Then why don't we do things that couples do? Why do you walk away from me?"

"I find it hard not to jump you right here, OK. I've been getting hard in your presence, so I decided to take a step back. Every time I thought about you, I would get rock hard. It's actually kind of pathetic," he added thoughtfully.

"So actually I haven't satisfied you at all?"

"Those two times we were somewhat intimate were great, but I didn't want to push you into doing more stuff or more often with me. I wanted you to get used to this kind of intimacy on your own without me forcing myself down your throat."

"You need to tell me those things," I replied. "I thought that you had found someone else who was willing to bend over for you at your every whim. I thought that I was not good enough for you. I admit I went a bit mad yesterday."

"You could've died if you had lain there too long. You cut through an artery and almost cut the second one. You could've bled to death."

"I'm sorry."

"I've realized something," Draco said and took my bandaged hand in his. "I don't care how long you need to feel comfortable. I love you. I'll wait forever for you if that was necessary. I hope not though, because I've had blue balls for about two months now."

I snorted and laughed, even though I felt like crying again.

"You look strange with a bald head."

"I wanted to cut my hair because you liked it," I said after my laughter had died down a little bit. "Does it make me ugly?"

"No," Draco said and shook his head. "It doesn't make you ugly. It looks a bit strange, but I'll get used to it. I know I should've mentioned Jake to you before he came back, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to control myself around you if I did. I'm sorry for making you think that you weren't good enough for me. I love you."

"I love you too," I said and sighed when Draco kissed my forehead. "I called Marc and Sirius over for a talk yesterday. It was the reason why I came by your place. I wanted to ask you why you were pulling away from me every time I tried to do more than just kissing. Well, I know the full story now. I want to be closer to you." Draco glanced at me when I said that, as if he thought that I was either joking or saying that to please him. "I mean it, Draco. I just don't know if … you know … Marc told me what you like … you know, rough …" I said and felt my cheeks heat up right there. "I don't know if I can do that."

"That doesn't matter to me," Draco said reassuringly. "I don't want you to do things that you don't want to do. Besides, everyone always plan out their first time, but I think it's more special if it just happens, and not because we planned it."

"Yeah, I feel the same way," I nodded and smiled. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Draco said. "Just promise me that you will never hurt yourself like that again. When I saw you lying on that floor … I thought that I was going mad."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "It won't happen again. I promise."

After a week I was released from the hospital, after stating that I had no intention of committing suicide. At first I wanted to say that it was an accident, but apparently the doctors could tell that it was not an accident, but intentional. I also had to speak with a few psychologists about it. Draco brought me home and I was glad that no one was waiting for me at the apartment. And I hoped that my parents hadn't gotten word of this. It was around two o'clock in the afternoon, and I felt a bit peaky. Hospital food isn't that great. Thankfully Draco was prepared to make me something. I had no idea that he could actually cook. He was very caring towards me. I wondered where Hermione was, but Draco just said that she was staying with her boyfriend for a while so that Draco could take care of me. That was actually pretty sweet of him. I appreciated what Draco did for me, but I didn't find it very necessary. Best not tell Draco, or he might think that I take everything he did for granted or something.

"Why do you look surprised at my cooking skills?" Draco asked as he put the plate in front of me. He had made Italian risotto and I wondered where he had gotten that. "I did some grocery shopping for you when you were in the hospital," he explained. "I'm quite good at making Italian risotto, so I thought that I should prepare that for you."

"Thank you, it's very sweet of you," I said and smiled at him. "You know, you don't have to treat me like a doll. I won't break."

"I know," he nodded. "I just … I suppose I just want to be careful around you after what happened. Call me protective," he shrugged.

"OK, I will, Mr. Protective," I said and took my fork in my hand. The risotto looked incredibly good and it smelled even better, so I dug in and nearly moaned because it tasted so good, especially compared to hospital food. "Hmm! This is good!"

"I'm glad that you like it," Draco smiled. "Will you let your hair grow back?"

I glanced at him and shrugged lightly. "Why do you like my hair so much?"

"I love your hair, Harry," Draco said seriously. "I don't know, I just liked it."

"That sounds so gay," I snorted. "I suppose I will let it grow back. Not that long again though. It made me look like a girl. Where is that Jake guy now?"

Draco looked down at the wooden table and trailed the edge of the table with his fingers. "I told him to look for a place of his own. I told him that he couldn't stay. He didn't like that of course and he was confused because he didn't know what the two of us are to each other. He thought that you were just a friend. I told him that you were my boyfriend and that you jumped to conclusions which caused you to do something very stupid. I told him to leave."

"But he's your friend," I replied with a frown. "Are you kicking him out like that?"

"Harry," he said. "I don't want anything to happen to you again because you think that I'm cheating on you. Do you know how afraid I was when I was in the ambulance with you? I don't want to lose you, so I told Jake to go."

"I don't want you to cut away from your friends, and I'll try not to jump to conclusions anymore. But … it's not every day that I see my boyfriend with another guy in bed in a rather intimate position." When Draco opened his mouth to speak, I quickly went on before he could say anything. "I know now that it meant nothing, but … I suppose that I'm a bit insecure and I didn't know what to think."

"I understand that, but you could've let me explain the situation to you," Draco said gently. "Now finish your risotto before it gets cold."

In the end, I did not get to finish my entire plate because I was full. I didn't want to seem ungrateful towards Draco, so I told him that I would save the rest for dinner. Then Draco reached his hand out towards me. "Come," he said and took my hand. I wondered what he wanted to do, so I let myself get pulled along. He pulled me into my bedroom and I saw that the curtains were drawn and there were a few candles glowing on the nightstand. Rose petals lay on the bed, and I was actually surprised that Draco had done this for me. It was quite romantic. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He slid his fingers under my shirt and pulled it up and off. I had a faint idea of what he wanted―actually I was pretty sure what he wanted, and I wasn't sure how to react to it. Should I allow it? Would he get angry if I told him 'no' while he went through all this trouble? His fingers rested on my jeans, but he didn't move to unbutton them. Instead he walked me towards the bed and told me to lie down on my stomach. I felt very, very nervous while lying face down on my bed. I felt my entire body freeze up, while I glanced up at Draco almost fearfully. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't ready.

"Just relax," he said and took off his shirt. He took off his socks and took off my socks as well. "I have a towel here for you," he said and showed me a big, white fluffy towel. "Take off your jeans and wrap this towel around your waist, OK? I'll be right back."

I wondered what on earth he was planning to do, but I hesitantly did as he asked when he went into the bathroom. I kept my underwear on and lay back down on the bed with a towel around my waist. Suddenly my eye fell on the bible that I had put on my desk. I had not looked in it for over two months. Before I could ponder any further, Draco slowly opened the door to the bedroom.

"Are we decent?" he asked through the small gap.

"Yes," I replied.

"Very good," he said and came in. He held a bottle in his hand, but because of the poor light that the candles gave, I could not see what it was. Lubricant perhaps? But why would he want me in a towel then? Suddenly he climbed onto the bed and straddled me. "Don't be so scared, Harry," Draco said gently. "I won't do anything that you're not ready for. I just thought that you might enjoy a massage. I'm told that I'm good at giving massages. It that OK?"

"Yeah," I said and breathed a little sigh of relief. "For a moment I thought that …"

"I know," he said and uncapped the bottle. I heard him rub his hands and then he placed them on my shoulders. "You're tense," he said. "See? I knew you weren't ready, even though you told me that you were. I understand that you desire more intimacy between us, but you're not ready for sex yet." He rubbed my shoulder blades and then I also noticed that I was indeed very tense.

"I thought that I was ready," I insisted. "But I know how to have sex with a man and …"

"And what?"

"I suppose that I'm afraid that it will hurt too much," I finished softly. "I'm afraid that I won't enjoy it as much as you will."

"Harry, the first few times will always hurt a little bit. And it's not because we put our cocks in a different hole. Women find it painful the first few times as well. Partners play a big part in the comfort of their partner during sex. Proper preparation is also the key to more comfort. But you'll feel a slight pain the first few times."

"Gosh, I never realized how blunt you are," I murmured and sighed a little when Draco resumed his massage.

"I'm very blunt," Draco said. I could see him nodding with my eyes closed. "Don't worry OK? It'll happen when the time is right. It's no use planning your first time like all those lovesick teenage couples do. Talk about pathetic. I like sex better when it happens in the heat of the moment."

"Hmm," I replied. "You really have magical hands."

"I know, I've been told before," he said and seemed proud of it. "My mom always complained that her back hurt so much, so I decided to massage her back sometime. That's actually how it began. Not much later, a few friends of mine asked for a massage and since then I've been handing them out for free."

"You should charge money for it," I said. "I don't know if I have any cash in my wallet right now, but―"

"You don't have to pay me, silly," Draco said. "You're my boyfriend, you won't have to pay."

"Oh, how generous of you," I said and smiled while Draco's hands went lower down my back, dangerously close to my butt. "If you want to grope me, all you have to do is say so," I quipped and looked over my shoulder at him. I could see that he found it difficult not to get it on, even in the faint light that the candles provided.

"Harry, you just got released from the hospital," Draco immediately said. "I'm not going to take advantage of you."

"You're not taking advantage of me," I said and turned around on the bed so that I was now lying on my back. "I'm consenting."

Draco just looked at me and began to lie down on top of me. He put his knee between my legs, and I opened them for him. I wrapped them around his waist and felt my stomach flip when I felt how hard he was. I had no idea that he had an erection, but now I certainly did. "You have no idea how often I have imagined being in this position," he said. "Feeling you against me," he whispered. "I want to hear you when I'm finally inside you," he went on, breathing the words hotly into my ear while thrusting his penis against my awakened one. He took the towel off my waist and rubbed my length through my underwear. My hips bucked upwards and I released a moan and promptly snapped my mouth shut again. "Does it feel good?" he asked.

"Yeah," I whimpered and groped for Draco's jeans. I wanted them off. I wanted to feel more. Draco seemed to understand what I wanted from him, because he undid his jeans himself and took them off. They disappeared somewhere behind him on the floor. When he lay back down on top of me, I gasped at the friction that I felt when Draco started thrusting against me. "Oh!" Draco yanked my underwear off and struggled to get his own boxers off as well. When I felt his naked body on top of mine, I thought that I was going to come. It felt so good to have his warm, big body on top of mine. I wrapped my legs around his naked waist and started rutting against him. I wanted more. I needed more. I needed to get off quickly or else I would explode for sure. "Oh, Draco," I groaned and held onto him.

Draco groaned and gripped my thighs to raise my hips upwards. I could then feel his hard erection brushing up against me. Suddenly it felt a bit wet down there. I supposed that that was just his pre-ejaculation or something. I faintly saw his hand going down between my legs and I wondered what he was going to do, when suddenly the head of his penis rubbed against my entrance. When it started pressing inside, I came. My back arched and I released moans while I basked in the intense afterglow.

It took a few minutes before I was back to my senses again. I had never come so hard before in my life, not even during my cutting sessions. I realized that Draco was still lying on top of me, breathing heavily. Then I also noticed that there was something inside me. I felt a pressure of discomfort at my bottom, but it wasn't as painful as I would have thought, but then again, this was only the head of his penis inside me, and not the entire thing. Then the pressure went away and Draco rolled off me to the empty side of the bed. He rubbed his eyes and sighed, seeming tired.

"Fuck," I heard him whisper. It was not something someone would say after an intense orgasm. It seemed like he was disappointed or something. I threw him a questioning glance, but quite frankly, I was getting a little bit drowsy. I groped for the covers and pulled them over my shoulders. I covered Draco's body as well, but he didn't respond. I remembered blowing out the candles before my eyes slowly slid closed.

I woke up at the sound of chattering birds outside. I lay on my side, facing the window and the sunlight that came in hurt my eyes a little bit. I knew that I was naked, and I knew what happened last night, but there was something that didn't feel right. Draco's reaction for one. His reaction last night was strange. The way he uttered that word felt wrong. I glanced over my shoulder and was a bit surprised to find Draco awake. He was staring at the ceiling and he didn't seem to notice that I was awake as well. "Draco?"

When Draco dropped his head sideways towards me, I could see that he was busy in his mind. He was thinking about something that seemed to trouble him. Did he regret last night? Even though we didn't really have sex, it felt like we had. And in a sense we did. He was inside me, just not all the way, thankfully. Did he regret it because he had said earlier that we wouldn't do anything yet because I wasn't ready? I hadn't felt pushed at all. Like I told him last night, I consented.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Is it about last night?" The only reaction that I got from Draco was his eyes turning back to the ceiling. I took that as a yes. "Draco, what is it?" I moved closer to him and lay down against him. "You didn't force me into anything. I consented, remember?"

"That's not it," he finally said and glanced down at me. "I wanted to fuck you last night, and I almost did."

"So?" I shrugged. I could not see what the problem was.

"Well, for one, you aren't ready. And second, I never even thought about using a condom. I never forget to use a condom during sex, Harry," he said.

"I don't see what the problem is. I understand that having sex with a condom on is much safer, but I assure you, I don't have any diseases because I'm a virgin."

"That's not what I'm afraid of," Draco said softly and sighed. "I remembered something last night, when I wanted to―well, you know. I lost a friend two years ago to aids. He had had a one-night-stand one time and he had allowed that guy to do him without a condom. He got himself tested after he told me the story and I pushed him to get himself checked out. It appeared that he had HIV. He died of aids a couple of years later when I was twenty-five. I vowed to myself to always use protection, no matter what."

"Did you come?"

"Harry, what a vulgar question," Draco mocked.

I snorted. "Just answer it."

"Yes, I came as well. Not too long after you did."

"And you were inside … me?" I asked with a small voice.

Draco nodded solemnly. "That's why I thought of that friend who died of aids. Blaise often asked me if I wanted to do him without a condom on, but I never did. I got really scared after my friend died."

"I understand," I replied. "You're being cautious, that's good. You don't want to make the same mistake as your friend did."

"Yeah, well, Blaise thought we would be closer if we had sex without protection, because there would be no border between him and me, but I just kept thinking about my friend and I said no every time Blaise asked me to do him without condom."

"Why did he keep asking you then if you said no all the time?" I wondered.

"Perhaps he thought that I would change my mind if he asked me a thousand times," Draco shrugged. "At one point I got so sick of his questions, I left our place and went to Hermione's. It wasn't too long before I broke up with him after that. Which leaves me to wonder why he would want to have sex without protection when he was already fucking that bitch of his?"

"Yeah," I shrugged. "What's done is done."

"You're right," Draco replied and sighed. "You know, I've never felt the things with Blaise during any form of sex like I did with you last night. That must mean something right? Or perhaps I was bored with Blaise without realizing it."

"Well, I can understand that after five years, you'd need to spice things up in the bedroom. I have no doubt that you certainly did that?"

Draco looked down at me and trailed his fingers across my bare chest. "We played out fantasies. Kinky ones, that is. Blaise had loads of kinky fantasies. He asked me to play out a rape fantasy of his. We both pretended to be strangers and we met up in a bar where I had to pick him up and take him home. Then I attacked him. It was almost real, except for the fact that Blaise got off on it. And I mean that he really enjoyed that. At first I was a little apprehensive about doing that kind of stuff, but he said, 'No Drake, I want you to do this, it isn't real, remember?'. We had a safe word of course, which I can't remember, but I do remember the hard erection Blaise had when I 'forcefully' took him."

That kind of shocked me to be honest. A rape fantasy? I glanced up at him with my eyes as wide as saucers. "Why would he want to get raped, even if it wasn't real?"

"I don't know," Draco said. "I wondered the same thing, but he said he trusted me and that he wanted to spice things up, as he called it. I do have to admit that role-playing is kind of exciting. Depends on the fantasy, of course."

Yes, well, I was not about to consider playing out a rape fantasy. I don't like that kind of stuff, but he think he knew that. Draco just trailed his fingers across my chest and twisted my right nipple. It stiffened immediately.

"Well, you're sensitive this morning," Draco casually commented and rubbed my nipples. Then his fingers went lower towards my bellybutton and he caressed my abdomen. Then he pushed the sheet lower and nearly uncovered my hardening penis.

"Do you always think about sex twenty-four seven?" I asked. I had started to breathe faster already and I felt very excited.

"No," Draco said bluntly and removed his hand. He put his hands behind his head and sighed heavily. "If you don't want me to touch you, you just have to say so."

I snorted at that, because it was the same thing that I had said to him a couple of weeks ago. "Funny," I said dryly. "Do you have to work today?"

"No," Draco said. "I took a few days off."

"Why?" I asked and sat up straight. I looked down at him and rolled my eyes. "Draco, I'm not a baby, you don't have to take care of me twenty-four seven. I can take care of myself."

"Like you did last week you mean?" Draco raised his eyebrows. "I just want to be here with you after what happened. Is that so weird?"

"Well, no, but … you can't take a few days off to take care of me. I'm an adult, remember?"

"I know that. I'm going to make breakfast," he said and rolled out of bed. I didn't even blush when I got a good look at his buttocks before he put on his underwear and a pair of bottoms.

I sighed and followed him to the kitchen area. Funny how wrong I had been about him when I first met him. He is an amazing man, very caring, loving and it seems as if he's not afraid of anything. But he is afraid of losing me, he told me. I still don't think that he should kick his friends out of his apartment like that, but I understand him, and on some level I like the fact that he chose me over his friend.


	17. 15 Part XV

**Warning: graphic sexual content**

Part XV

After that one night, things were sort of OK between us now. We spent more time together and everything felt wonderful between us. We still had not slept together, even though we came really close to doing it one time. Draco stopped for some reason I still cannot think of. It seemed like Hermione was living at her boyfriend's apartment. I did not mind too much, since I rather liked the quietness around the place. I did see Ginny Weasley a couple of times with Draco. I still don't like her. She still gives off this jealousy vibe and she is not so nice to me either. I heard Draco warn her about that some time, and she just grumbled something inaudible. She also seemed to find it annoying whenever Draco kissed me in front of her, which he didn't do often, mind you. He has become more affectionate in public, but he's never kissed me in public before, and I do not expect him to.

I was currently in the bookstore in much higher spirits. My boss noticed as well and seemed glad that I was back to my normal self again. That girl Jennifer had not come back to the store again after Draco told her that I did not like girls.

I was pleasantly surprised when Draco walked into the bookstore. It never failed to make me laugh to see him bow his head to get through the doorway. He made a beeline for the counter and leaned onto it. "Hi," I said. "Can I help you?"

"I'm not sure," Draco said. "I'm going to Paris for two months. I'm leaving in a few days."

I blinked and for a moment I did not know what to say. "Gee, you really are blunt," I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. "Well, what, do you want my permission to go? Fine, go. It's for your job, so …"

"Harry, Harry, Harry," Draco said and took my hands in his. "I want you to go with me. Remember what I said about wanting to take you to Paris sometime with me? Well, now the opportunity has arisen. Of course it's entirely up to you whether you go with me or not, but I'd like you to come with me. I'll give you a few days to think about it, but I'll need the answer by Friday."

"Friday? That's in two days," I said. "And I'd love to go with you, but about my job? I can't just disappear for two months!"

"No, what about that other fellow Jimmy? He can fill in for you."

"OK."

"OK, what?" he asked quite indifferently.

"I'll go with you," I said and watched Draco smile. "Don't thank me just yet. I'll need to discuss this with my boss first. If she can't miss me, then I can't come with you."

"Not to worry, dear," a voice said to my left. It was my boss, naturally. She stood there with a smile on her face as she approached Draco and me. "Jimmy can certainly fill for you. And I've hired a new employee. So you can go to Paris with your lover."

"Lover," I whispered and nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome dear," she nodded and waved at both of us.

"You never told me we were going by plane," I said and looked out of the small window quite nervously. We weren't up in the air yet, but it wouldn't be too long before we were.

"Well, how'd you want to go to Paris then, by bus?" Draco snorted. "You're not afraid of heights are you?"

"Well, no, but everyone knows those airplane crashing stories. There's even a show on National Geographic about it," I replied. "It's called Air Crash Investigation."

"Harry, this private jet has been through a lot of flights and there have been no accidents with it," Draco assured me.

"So far," I mumbled. "OK, OK, OK, I will not needlessly scare myself. But I've never been on an airplane before, or on a private jet from your company. Oh God, what if we crash? We'll crash down into the ocean or into some kind of creepy forest with creepy ugly insects?" I shivered.

"Now you are needlessly scaring yourself," Draco said and raised his blond eyebrow. "Just relax. Take it easy. Everything will be alright." He took my left hand and kissed it softly. "There's one perk at traveling by private jet. There are no flight attendants, no other people and we can do what we want. We could suck each other off right here, and no one would know. Isn't that great?"

"I am not going to suck your cock while being on this private jet," I hissed. "This jet belongs to your father! What if he somehow miraculously finds out that we did stuff in his jet? He'll kill me!"

"Of course not," Draco grinned. "I know for a fact that my mom and dad fucked on this plane when they were traveling to who knows where. I know because I found an empty pack of condoms on this plane once."

"So? That doesn't say anything," I shrugged.

"Of course it does," Draco drawled. "My father always buys the same condoms. For himself, not for me. And I, unfortunately, heard them going at it once. Ew," he murmured. "I'm pretty sure that they've done it on this jet at least once. Or perhaps six times, since there were six condoms in that pack. That's pretty disgusting."

"No shit," I said. "I don't even want to think about my parents doing it."

"Hmm, Christian sex," Draco whispered hotly into my ear. "No condoms, no safe sex, no protection whatsoever. Naughty Christians," he said and wrapped an arm around me.

"I'll forget the fact that you just called my parents naughty Christians," I snorted and leaned into him. Suddenly the jet started to move. "Oh, God, we're moving."

"Of course we're moving," Draco snorted. "Just don't think about it, OK?"

"Don't think about it? It's all I can think about right now," I said and gripped Draco's arm tightly. "I hope we don't crash."

"Keep talking like that and we will," Draco said. He seemed mildly annoyed. "Just relax." Suddenly he took my face in one hand and force-fed me his pierced tongue. He cupped my crotch and squeezed softly. I moaned, wrapped my arms around Draco's neck and kissed him back. I slid my tongue into his mouth and for who knows how long we made out until he suddenly pulled away. "There," he said. "We're in the air, it's a fucking miracle. Who knew that I could be such a great distraction?"

"Tease," I said and chuckled. "You caused a very successful diversion. Good job."

"**Thank you**," he said in Japanese.

"We're going to France you know," I said. "The least you could do is speak French."

"**Oh, I'm sorry, sir. How did you know that I spoke Japanese earlier?**" he said instead.

"Right," I said. "No idea what you just said, but I'll take your word for it. Oh, damn, perhaps I should've bought an English-to-French translation book before we went," I said thoughtfully.

"Hey, you've got your personal translator with you," Draco said and pointed at himself. "Me. I'll do it for you."

"Thank you," I said and smiled at him. Suddenly I heard my stomach rumble. "I should've eaten something before I went on the jet."

"You haven't eaten yet?" Draco asked. "Why didn't you eat? Skipping breakfast isn't healthy for you. I'll get you something to eat. I'll be right back." He stood up and disappeared from view. I had no idea that there was food on this jet, although I probably should've assumed it. Draco returned a little while later with two sandwiches. "There you go," he said and gave me them. He sat back in his seat left from me, thus blocking the small window with his broad chest.

"Thank you." Hmm, cheese sandwiches. And they were fresh too. "Where are we staying actually?"

"At a hotel in Paris," Draco said. "It's gorgeous, but Paris is expensive. We can settle in tonight and tomorrow we can go to Paris' beautiful gardens. And I want to go to the Louvre as well, if you don't mind."

"I didn't know that you're a fan of art," I said. "You keep surprising me every day."

"You're so funny," Draco said sarcastically. "Yeah, I like art. Good art that is. The Mona Lisa is good art and it's famous, so I want to see it."

"OK," I sniggered. "Whatever you wish, your majesty," I added and bowed towards him in my seat. When I looked up, I saw that he was very satisfied apparently, whether it was because I called him majesty, or because I agreed to go see this painting. "Snob."

Draco gasped and put his hand on his chest. "Me? A snob? How could you say that? I never talk about myself twenty-four seven, in fact I hardly talk about myself. Do you want to know who's a snob? Ginny Weasley."

"Ugh," I said and pulled a disgusted face. "I'm sorry, but I still don't like her, in fact, I don't think I ever will."

"Well, you don't have to like her," Draco shrugged. "I admit she's been acting a bit odd since she found out that we were interested in each other."

I glanced thoughtfully at Draco, and wondered what else had occurred. I had not spoken to Ginny since I slept at Draco's place for the first time, the night before my birthday. I remember that day quite well even though I was drunk. Draco was unreachable back then, because his ex stopped him from moving on. I am glad that we have moved away from that time. Lots happened after that; we got together, Seth and I became friends again and I've been very happy since I came to New York. I can't imagine myself going back again.

The hotel where we stayed at was beautiful, and very expensive. I had money with me, just in case, even though I knew that Draco's company was covering all the expenses. Perhaps I could buy a souvenir or something. But I was going to be here for two months. Perhaps I could learn some French. The hotel receptionists seemed to know who Draco was and for what business he was in France, for they just smiled at him and gave him a key. The room we had was gorgeous. It was spacious, it had a beautiful view on the Seine, and I saw the Notre Dame on the other side of the river. It was a pity that I could not see the Eiffel Tower from our hotel room, but I had seen a glimpse of it on our way here. Draco said he wanted to climb the Eiffel Tower with me and told me that I had to climb to the top since the view was absolutely stunning, according to him. We had a luxurious bathroom, including a bath, which I couldn't wait to try out.

It seemed like Draco thought the same thing, for he suggested that we take a bath together. It seemed ridiculously romantic and intimate to me, and my cheeks felt hot when he suggested it, but I agreed anyway. Draco ran the bath and undressed himself. He threw his clothes down on the tiles and went into the tub. The water barely reached his knees though. I swallowed my uneasiness and began undressing as well. I locked the bathroom door and took off my jeans. Next went my shirt and I was very hesitant to take off my underwear. It helped that Draco wasn't looking.

"How do you like the water? Hot or lukewarm?" Draco asked, adjusting the warmth of the water.

"Er …" I quickly took off my underwear and went into the tub as Draco added shampoo to the water. Thankfully it covered my private parts, but only barely. "Hot, please."

"OK, I like it hot too," Draco said. "Tell me when it's getting too hot, OK?"

I just nodded and watched the water level rise higher up to my belly. The water felt great, and the light in the bathroom was dim, so it created a nice atmosphere. I don't know if Draco even saw my penis or not. I sighed and leaned back against the edge of the tub. The tub was slowly filling with hot water and I suddenly felt very relaxed, even though we flew I don't know how many hours. It was nice to be able to relax. "Hmm, this is great," I said and opened my eyes to look at Draco, who looked like a character out of a fantasy movie in this light.

"Yeah, it is," Draco nodded. "You don't have to feel embarrassed about getting naked in front of me."

"I know, but I've never undressed myself in front of anyone before," I said and shrugged a little. "I felt a bit uncomfortable, but the dim light helped a bit."

"Come here," he suddenly said.

"What?"

"Come here," he repeated and motioned for me to come closer. I slowly moved and approached him. "Turn around." I turned around and suddenly felt Draco's arms about my belly. He pulled me against his chest and kissed my cheek. "This is much better." He caressed my belly and held me. It felt very intimate to be held naked like this, but it also felt nice. I relaxed in Draco's arms, and leaned against him. I felt his penis against my lower back, but it didn't arouse me. I suppose I was just exhausted from that flight and lack of sleep, for I barely slept knowing that I was in an airplane flying a long distance. My hands rested on Draco's legs while his hands gripped my thighs and spread them.

"You really think about sex too much," I murmured with my eyes closed and let him part my legs.

"Do not," he said and started to kiss my neck. "Want to know what's hot? Watching ourselves in the mirror while we're having sex in this position," he whispered. "This is my second favorite position."

"What's your favorite position then?" I asked, feeling all kinds of things while Draco was speaking with this sexy tone in his voice.

"Missionary," Draco whispered and nipped my right ear. "It's intimate, hot and I just fucking love it."

"What about doggy style?"

"Doggy style? Harry, have you been reading a guide to homosexual sex? Gay sex one-o-one?" Draco chuckled. "What do you think of doggy style?"

"It's kind of … er …" My breath hitched because Draco was stroking my inner thighs. "It's kind of crude and kind of naughty."

"Naughty, yes," Draco laughed. "I agree with you. It's naughty and crude, but also incredibly hot. I can imagine ourselves on the bed with you holding onto the headboard while I'm pounding into you. Doesn't that sound hot?" he whispered.

"You're getting hard," I murmured absentmindedly. I could feel his penis swell against my back.

"Does that bother you?" Draco asked.

"No," I said.

"Are you getting hard?" he asked and kissed my cheek.

"Feel for yourself," I whispered.

"Oh, you're naughty," Draco said and I felt his hands caress closer towards my hardening penis. Then he took it in his right hand and very slowly moved his hand up and down. I can't even describe that feeling, for I could not think clearly. I knew that I was making sounds, but I could not help myself. My back arched into his touch, like a cat that got stroked across the back. "Shall we continue this in bed? I'm feeling like a dried out prune to be honest."

I laughed at the randomness of that and nodded. Draco pulled the plug of the tub and stood up behind me. I felt a little embarrassed about being naked around him and I was also embarrassed about the fact that he was naked and that we both had erections. Apparently Draco had already stepped out of the tub and had gotten towels, for he handed me one. The towel felt nice and soft in my hands and I was glad that I had something to cover myself with. I followed Draco into our luxurious and spacious bedroom with a big bed for the two of us. I was glad that those receptionists didn't look strange at us when we checked in. Draco came over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed me. I felt a bit horny and let him know that by eagerly putting my tongue in his mouth. Draco started to move me backwards, and I felt the edge of the bed against my legs. I got on the bed and gladly spread my legs for Draco. I didn't even want to think about how that sounded. Draco pushed our towels away and completely lay down on top of me. His hard erection pushed against my own hardening one. I wasn't as hard as Draco was, but perhaps Draco had a higher sex drive than me or something. I faintly heard the sound of a bottle uncapping, but I was too busy with kissing Draco to really think about what that might mean. Then suddenly I felt two fingers slicked with substance rubbing against me.

"Oh," I gasped and arched my back. The fingers slowly slid inside and began slowly moving in me. It didn't hurt, strangely enough. Draco put another finger inside and groaned softly. I am sure that he waited a long time to do that. After some time I found myself moving against his fingers. I groaned, sighed and made all kinds of sounds which would embarrass me if I had not been driven by this need to get off. The fingers moved faster, and I was so close to orgasming that I frantically pulled at my hard penis until I felt my toes curl and that intense feeling arose again. My back arched and I came hard. I was recovering slightly after a couple of seconds when I didn't feel those fingers anymore. "Oh, Lord," I sighed and closed my eyes. A satisfied feeling came over me and I found myself smiling because of it.

"Did that feel good?" I heard Draco ask.

"Hmm, yeah," I murmured and nodded. "Gosh, I've never felt such pleasure after an orgasm before."

Draco snorted, but I knew that he was smiling as well. "Well, I'm glad that you got off. Do you mind if I jerk myself off now?"

I opened my eyes and glanced at his erection. It was so swollen and red that I thought that it would burst. "I could help you out?"

"That's sweet of you, but I don't think that you're quite ready for that," Draco said and lay down next to me under the covers. I frowned at that. I should at least do something in return. Suddenly I thought of what Draco said on the jet. I had thought of doing that a few times, but actually doing it seemed even more exciting. I got under the covers as well and pulled them over my head. "What are you doing?" Draco asked.

"Returning the favor," I replied. "Relax." I was a little bit nervous, but I was determined to do this. I parted his legs and licked my lips before opening my mouth. I took Draco's hard penis in my hand and brought the head towards my mouth. I tentatively touched the head with my tongue. It didn't taste of anything, so I took the head into my mouth. I was aware of the sounds that Draco made, and felt satisfied that he found it pleasurable. Sucking on the head felt a bit like sucking on a lollipop, only this filled my mouth more. Suddenly I tasted a bitter-like flavor in my mouth. It tasted a bit strange, but not disgusting, so I took more of Draco's penis in my mouth, which wasn't an easy fit. Draco slowly started to move his hips up and down. I was thankful that I didn't choke, but I couldn't quite control my gag reflex. I used my hand instead to stimulate the part that I couldn't get into my mouth. I moved my hand faster and sucked on the head, determined to make Draco come.

"Oh, fuck!" Draco hissed and threw his hips upwards. I heard him utter a gasp and then I felt his come spurt into my mouth. I had read about giving blowjobs in that guide that I had bought some time ago, and it said that swallowing semen wouldn't hurt, so I swallowed it and kept on sucking until there was nothing more coming out. I heard Draco breathe heavily when I crawled back to my spot in bed. I glanced at him; he had his eyes closed and he was panting as if he had run for an hour. I leaned against him and kissed his bare shoulder.

"Did you like that?"

"Harry," Draco whispered. "It's hard to believe that that was the first time you did that. Jesus Christ," he said and rubbed his eyes. Then he leaned down and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I was surprised when he sucked my tongue into his mouth. After a few seconds he pulled away. "I didn't expect you to swallow actually," he said.

"Well then what was I supposed to do? Spit it on the floor?" I asked and raised my eyebrow. "Besides I had read that swallowing semen wouldn't hurt. Do you think that's disgusting?" I wondered.

"If I would find it disgusting, then I wouldn't have stuck my tongue down your throat," Draco said. "We can use this weekend to explore Paris a little, since I've got the first meeting on Monday. We could climb the Eiffel Tower, visit the Arc de Triomphe, make out in the gardens, suck each other off behind a tree … It's a place full of opportunities," he quipped.

"Well, I'd like to do those first three things, but there's no way I'm going to engage in public sex with you of any kind, buddy," I said.

"Killjoy," Draco said.

"I'm not," I replied. "Having sex in public is indecent. Besides, it's something that I don't get off on and I feel very uncomfortable thinking about it. Let's just enjoy Paris OK? It's my first time here and I want to have positive memories about this place."

"Alright fine," Draco said. "We'll be here for two months, that's plenty of time to make memories of this place. I especially want to have nice memories of us in the tub together."

I chuckled, even though I was surprised at how much Draco obviously wanted to do sexual things with me. I have no idea why he decided to show that now, but I was alright with that. Besides, I have been a little horny as of late. "What time is it?"

"Er …" Draco said and glanced over his shoulder. "It's eight thirty-four right now.

"That late already? Wait, what's the time in New York?" I asked.

"It's two thirty-four in the afternoon in New York right now. Paris is six hours ahead of New York," Draco replied. "Are you tired?"

"A bit," I admitted. "But, there are some things that might keep me awake," I said teasingly. Suddenly I wondered about something. "Have you thought about sex a lot?"

"I always think about sex according to you," Draco quipped.

"No, I mean about you and me … having sex."

Draco sighed played a bit with the sheets. "Yes," he said. I already knew that, but I suppose that I wanted to hear him say it. "But you know that I don't want you to agree because you feel like you've let me wait long enough or something. It'll happen when we're both ready."

"Wise words from a wise man," I said and smiled. "I'm glad that you take my feelings into such consideration. When was your first time?"

He seemed to think about it for a couple of seconds and then he glanced at me. "I was seventeen when I had sex for the first time," Draco said. "I was only out for about a year or something when I got my first serious … er, fling. It was far from a relationship. He was nineteen and we were both in college in Boston. We both expressed an interest in one another and then one night one thing led to another and I found myself waking up next to a guy that I had no intention of getting seriously involved with. I was young and a bit naïve at the time. I didn't want to commit myself so soon and I wanted to enjoy life and explore Boston's gay nightlife a little. My first time in general was a bit clumsy, since I'd never done it before, but he guided me through it, starting with proper preparation and so forth. It went alright and we both enjoyed it. I didn't hurt him, thank God," he added and seemed relieved at that. "Why do you want to know?"

"Just because," I shrugged. "There's still a lot about you that I don't know. Your life in Boston for example and the kind of childhood you had and stuff."

"Well, just ask me if you want to know something," he shrugged.

"I know, but I don't want to seem pushy or something, you know? Do you still suffer from blue balls?"

Draco snorted and grinned a little. "Not as much as I used to before you decided to go down on me. But seriously, I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything, OK? I don't want you to feel like you have to return the 'favor', alright? I want you to do it because you genuinely want to do it, not because you feel like you need to return the favor."

"I know, I get it," I said and nodded. "It seems important to you that I do things because I want to do them."

"Of course, I don't want to force you into anything. That's the last thing I want. I want you to feel good and I want you to be able to relax and shit. I know that I frightened you a little when I hit you, I'm still very sorry for that, and I really don't want you to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you. I love you, remember?" I rolled onto my side, facing Draco and placed my hand on his bare chest. "I'm not afraid of you. And I don't feel like I must return the favor, but it seems only fair to me if I make you come too. That's not so bad, is it? I want you to feel good too, preferably by something that I did."

"OK," he said and glanced at my hand that was on his chest. "Are you going to feel me up again?"

"Do you want me to?" I asked softly and pressed a kiss on his shoulder.

"Do you want to?"

"Yeah," I said and slid my hand across his nipples. "I'm just really happy that we do couple stuff, you know? I've always felt good being around you and I've woken up from fantasies about you more times than I can count. Remember that one time when you and Hermione were watching some cartoon late in the evening? I got myself a glass of water, but I waited twenty minutes before going into the kitchen. I was as hard as a rock when I woke up. Talk about embarrassing."

"What did you fantasize about?" Draco wondered.

"About you fucking me on the counter at the bookstore," I admitted.

"Fucking," Draco said. "I'd never thought I'd hear you say that word. Sounds hot when you say it," he whispered and reached down to my belly. He started to stroke me and twisted my nipples. "Ah, you're sensitive there too, eh? It seems that you're sensitive all over. Doesn't surprise me though," he said and played with my right nipple. "I love it how you're so sensitive to my touch."

"I bet you do," I murmured and closed my eyes. Draco's hands glided over my chest and stomach and went under the sheets. Then he suddenly rolled on top of me and slipped his tongue into my mouth. I sighed into the kiss and let Draco dominate my mouth.

"I want to be inside you," Draco whispered.

"I'm not stopping you," I whispered as well.

"You're not ready."

"Perhaps I'll never be," I said and wrapped my legs around his waist. "Just promise me you'll be gentle."

"You really want to do it?" Draco asked and raised himself up a little so he could look into my eyes. "Don't you want to wait for the right moment?"

"Perhaps there won't be a right moment. I've been thinking about doing it. About how it would feel, about what it would mean in our relationship. And I don't care that we've been dating for nearly three months. I've liked you for much longer than that."

"I know," Draco said softly. "Are you saying this because you're horny or something?"

"Well, I am horny, but I'm not saying this because of that. I'm saying this because I want to know what it's like and I want to do this with you."

"I will stop if you tell me to and I want you to tell me when it hurts too much, OK?"

"Yeah, OK," I nodded. "Do you have lubricant around here?"

"Of course," Draco said and smirked. He reached for the nightstand to the left of me and withdrew a tube out of its drawer and another tiny package. He left the tiny package on the nightstand and uncapped the tube. He squirted some gel onto his fingers and put the tube on the nightstand. Then he smeared the stuff on three of his fingers and leaned down to peck me on my lips. He looked into my eyes when the first two fingers slid inside me. My eyes slid half closed already and out of my mouth escaped a tiny moan. "Well, I'm glad that you enjoy it already," Draco murmured chuckling. He added another finger to the first two and then determinedly moved them in and out. They seemed to probe for something, searching for something.

Very suddenly I was hit with an incredible feeling and it came so sudden that my hips jerked upwards and I released quite a pornographic sound. I gasped audibly and glanced at the hand that was between my legs. "What was that?" I gasped.

"Prostate," Draco said. "Well, your prostate gland to be exact. It can be stimulated by inserting fingers, toys, a penis, as you would say."

"Do it again!" I demanded.

"I'll do my best," Draco chuckled and then I felt his fingers searching again.

It wasn't until seconds later that those fingers brushed up against it again. "Ah!" I moaned again, jerking my hips upward. It left me gasping even more. "Can you even do that when you're … you know?"

"Inside you? Yes, if I can manage to find it properly with my cock. With my fingers I can actually feel it, with my cock, not so much. You like to get fingered, don't you?"

"Only when you do it," I nodded. "I tried it myself, but it didn't turn me on."

"Oh, that's OK. I'll always be there to make you feel good," Draco said in a promising tone. Somehow I had no doubt that he would always be there. During all the pleasurable sensations, I had gotten quite hard. The entire preparation process felt very good, but I was still a little bit nervous about the actual deed. Suddenly Draco withdrew his fingers and he reached for the nightstand again. He picked up the tiny package and then I understood what it was. A condom. I had the desire to tell Draco that I didn't want him to put a condom on, and then I understood why Draco's ex wanted to have sex without condom. I felt that it would get us closer and it would be even more significant, but I knew how Draco felt about it, so I said nothing. There must have been something about my expression that Draco didn't like, for he stopped moving. "What?"

"Nothing," I lied.

"Harry," Draco said, in a way that told me that he knew that I was lying and that I should be honest with him. "It's OK if you've decided that you're not ready. I can wait."

"It's not about that," I said and shook my head. "I … I saw you take that condom, and I suddenly understood why your ex wanted to do it with no condom."

"Oh?"

"It's not important."

"Well, it is to me, so out with it. What do you understand about my cheating ex?"

"It's not important," I repeated. "It's just a silly thought, that's all." When he kept looking expectantly at me, I caved. "I suppose it would mean more," I shrugged lightly.

"Harry," Draco began. "Condoms were invented to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, which can kill you if it escalates to aids. I have no desire to get diseases, OK?"

"But what does it matter? I'm a virgin! I have no diseases!" I exclaimed.

"That's not the point. You can get HIV positive by getting it from someone who's also HIV positive, or through your mom. If she was infected while you were in the womb, then you've got it too. And there's no telling who's HIV positive and who isn't. There are no telltale signs. It's called caution, and I want to die of old age, not of aids."

"Aren't you being a little bit over dramatic right now? If my mom was HIV positive, then my parents would've stopped having sex if she was, wouldn't they? I'm sure they got themselves tested, even though they're good Christians who only ever had sex with each other and had no other partners."

"I just want to be careful," Draco insisted.

"I know," I nodded. "I'm sorry that I brought it up. Do you still want to do it, or have I ruined the moment?"

"You didn't ruin the moment," Draco shrugged. I felt his eyes all over me and I blushed fiercely when I realized in what kind of position I was in; I was completely naked, my legs were spread, I had an aching erection and I'm sure that my face screamed ecstasy. Perhaps not so much right now, though. "You do look incredibly sexy though," he murmured. "I still can't get over the fact that you shave yourself."

Perhaps Draco didn't want to make it sound like it did, but it caused me to close my legs and cover myself up. I felt embarrassed all of a sudden. Perhaps I had been anticipating things that I shouldn't have been and perhaps Draco thought that I was an idiot because of that. I had started to shave myself down there when I was still together with Seth, even though I knew then that I would not give myself to him. Draco wasn't looking at me though, no, he was rolling the condom onto his big … thing. I realized that he was still mumbling, but I didn't even notice when I started to sit up. I felt insecure.

"―I think that it's a good thing though," Draco mumbled, and took the tube of lubricant. "I suppose it's also about personal preferences," he shrugged and uncapped the tube. "Some guys loathe having any hair at all near their crotch." He squirted a generous amount of the glistening stuff onto his hand, closed the tube and slicked his entire length with the stuff. "Though I don't understand how you manage to shave everything, I mean you can't possibly see what you're doing, can you―? Harry?" He glanced at me and took in the way I sat.

"I'm nervous," I said. Well, that and I kind of wanted to back out. I was afraid of the pain. I wish that I could spell any pain away, so to speak.

Draco put the lubricant back onto the nightstand and crawled towards me. He dried his lubricant stained hand on the towel and knelt in front of me. "Do you want to back out?" I think the look I gave him was enough of an answer. Draco sighed in disappointment, though he tried to cover it up. He took the condom off and threw it into a trash bin next to the bed. "Let's go to sleep then."

"Draco …"

"It's OK," he said, but he wouldn't look at me. He disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door. I had the feeling that I had royally screwed up, but I refused to be a bloody woman about it. My erection had diminished almost entirely, and I had the feeling that my butt now included a gaping hole. It felt incredibly open and loose. I blushed and reached between my legs. It felt wet with lubricant and immediately I recalled how pleasurable Draco's fingers felt, and Lord, when he stimulated my prostate gland. Well, I had screwed up now. I crawled under the covers and rolled onto my side, away from the spot where Draco would hopefully lie. I had thought that Draco would simply nod in understanding if I'd told him that I wasn't ready. I hadn't expected him to be so disappointed. I could understand why he would be disappointed though, but it wasn't the end of the world. I hoped.

When I woke up, it almost seemed like I had dreamt the entire thing. Except for the fact that I still felt very loose and open, I was still naked, and there was no Draco in bed with me. I supposed that he was more disappointed than I had anticipated. I glanced at the empty spot beside me and it seemed like Draco hadn't slept next to me at all last night. I felt a pang of disappointment at that. I stretched my body and yawned, and then I rolled out of bed and got dressed. There was a small sitting area in our room where I found Draco on the couch, sipping a coffee. It seemed like he had called room-service, for I spotted a tray with croissants and orange juice. There was only one glass though. I felt disappointed again. Draco still had not said a word. Perhaps he wasn't used to being denied like that. That sounded crueler than I thought.

"Good morning," I said quietly and sat down on a divan, even though there was plenty of space on the couch that Draco sat on.

"Good morning," Draco said equally as quiet. He didn't even look up from the newspaper that he had been reading.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine," Draco shrugged. But it wasn't fine at all. It was obviously bothering him. "Did you sleep OK?"

"Not really. Where did you sleep?"

"On the couch," Draco replied and then looked up from his newspaper. I could tell that he didn't sleep too well either. "I figured the best that I could do was to leave you alone. So I did."

"Who told you to leave me alone?" I wondered. "You sound like you accidentally raped me."

Draco winced at that. "Well, I kind of feel like I have."

"Why? You didn't do anything that I didn't want you to do," I protested. "You didn't force me into anything, I wanted it too."

"Except you backed out at the last minute."

"I'm sorry," I said again and averted my eyes from his stormy gray ones. "I just … I can't get over the pain that I'm sure I will feel. I don't like pain, Draco. And I know you won't intentionally hurt me―"

"I already hit you once, didn't I? I know I scared you with that. I saw it in your eyes when I came by to apologize to you and you nearly flinched when I touched your jaw. I don't think you're over that yet. I don't want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend is afraid of me. I don't want to be the abusive boyfriend, Harry. And last night I felt like I had pushed you too much. When you pulled away, you looked like I had just proposed to rape you and then eat you for dinner."

"Ew, cannibalism," I said and pulled a face.

"I'm serious," Draco said.

"I know, I'm sorry," I said and then sighed. "I felt insecure because you said that you couldn't get over the fact that I shave myself. I was afraid about actually having sex with you because I know that it will hurt."

"It always hurts the first few times," Draco said. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you! I just …"

"I understand your fear," Draco said and put the newspaper away. "When you're ready, you won't be as afraid as you are now. This is for you, by the way," he said and pointed at the tray. "I already ate."

"Can you wait until I'm ready?" I wondered.

"Yes," he simply said.

"Even if it would take months?"

Draco's face fell a little at that, but he nodded anyway. "I'd rather cut off my own dick instead of forcing you or coaxing you into having sex with me when you really don't want to."

"What if it would take years?"

Draco looked shocked at that, but he nodded. I had to stop myself from laughing at the face he pulled. "If you need years, then I'll wait for years."

"What if you meet a guy who would agree to sleep with you immediately? What if we'd be together for five years, never slept together and this guy came to you and asked you to sleep together. Would you do it?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I wouldn't," Draco scoffed. "Now eat."

"What did you do in the bathroom last night?"

"Do you really have to ask?" Draco asked and got up. "I'm going to brush my teeth," he said and went into the bedroom.

Things were tense between us when we ventured out into Paris. Draco hadn't said anything since we left the hotel. He hadn't looked at me since our conversation this morning. I had no idea where we were going, but when the Eiffel Tower came into view, I had a pretty good idea of what we were going to do. When we walked underneath the Eiffel Tower, I realized just how tall it was. Staring at it made me a little bit dizzy. We got in line for a trip up the Eiffel Tower by elevator. Apparently there were elevators hidden in the Eiffel Tower. Draco paid even though I offered to pay for my own ticket. Instead, Draco ignored me and paid for two tickets up the Eiffel Tower by elevator. I followed Draco into the first elevator that was big enough to contain at least fifteen people or more. When we started moving up, I realized that the elevators were hidden in the Tower's legs. I glanced at Draco, who was looking out the glass window. I didn't like the fact that he wasn't speaking to me, and not even looking at me. I suppose if I hadn't pushed Draco away last night, and we'd had sex, then everything would've been fine between us.

Suddenly when we came to a slimmer part of the Eiffel Tower, we had to switch elevators. This one was very small and could only hold about eight people or even less. I was thankful that I didn't have to wait for the next elevator, because the other people had to wait until another elevator went up. We were getting very high up now and even higher. I could feel my throat constrict in this elevator. Ever since I was young and got stuck in an elevator once, I've developed a fear of them. I usually never use the elevator―not if I can help it―but I hadn't told Draco of my claustrophobia. What if we got stuck in the Eiffel Tower? I swallowed thickly and avoided looking out of the window. Instead I studied the floor. Draco wasn't even standing next to me anymore, I think. I felt like that little boy again, who liked playing with the elevators and eventually got stuck in one. I believe I was six or seven years old. I hoped that I could get out soon. It didn't take long before I got dizzy and felt light in my head. I wanted to get out.

"Harry," a voice said into my ear. "Are you OK? You look as white as a sheet."

"I'm claustrophobic," I replied. "I want to get out, Drake."

"It's over in a few seconds. We're almost all the way up," he said and took my hand subtly in his. Then suddenly the elevator stopped moving and my breath caught in my throat. We weren't stuck were we? I turned around towards Draco and then the doors of the lift opened. He took me up some stairs and suddenly the sun shone brightly into my eyes. "Come on," Draco said and led me forward. "Look at that. Isn't it beautiful?"

I nearly gaped, for I could see pretty much all of Paris, including the Arc de Triomphe. The sight was magnificent. I was glad that Draco still held my hand. "Wow, this view is incredible," I said. "I wish I'd taken a camera with me to capture this."

"Don't worry, I brought a camera," Draco said next to me. He took out a small silver thing and I turned back to Paris. I pretended not to notice that Draco took pictures of me instead of Paris.

"I'm glad that I'm back in the fresh air," I said. "That elevator was suffocating me." I took a deep breath and looked down. Now I realized just how high up I was. I saw tiny dots moving underneath the Tower, and I saw tiny cars riding about. They looked more like toy cars than anything. Everything looked so little. It was strange, but this was a sight that I would not forget. I glanced at Draco and he took a picture just then.

Draco just raised his eyebrow and put his camera away. It looked like an expensive little thing. "We could've used the stairs, but, it would have taken forever to get here."

"Why won't you look at me?" I asked. He looked at me then though. "I'm sorry," I said again.

"It doesn't matter," Draco said. "You're right; I think about sex too much. I told myself over and over to stop thinking like an adolescent, because I'm twenty-seven. Three years away from thirty years old. I'm a grown-up, but I suppose my libido thinks differently about that. Perhaps it's a gay thing," he shrugged.

"I get that you're disappointed," I said pointedly. "It's understandable, I suppose. I hadn't planned on backing out―"

"Can we discuss this in private, please? No one needs to hear," Draco said.

"They're French, they can't possibly understand us," I frowned.

"Europeans learn English at elementary schools, Harry. Most of them can understand us," Draco said. "Like I said, let's discuss this in private where there are no eavesdroppers."

"Alright, fine," I said sullenly.

After we visited the Louvre, we went back to the hotel and got ourselves some lunch. I had no idea that the subject of sex would be such a delicate matter in our relationship. I had read in that guide―which I still hid in my room back in Manhattan―that a lot of gay couples did not have sex, because the receiving partner found it too painful. That frightened me even more. Draco didn't even know about this fear that I had, even though I had told him today that I was a tad bit afraid. Well, perhaps I should've told him that I was scared to death about it. Losing my virginity was something that I had never thought about, and in some way I didn't want to give it up. Losing it would mean something that I couldn't quite place yet. Draco talked about sex as if he was talking about the weather, but to me it was bigger than that, I realized that now. Perhaps I should tell him.

Draco flopped down onto the sofa and called room-service. He ordered something in French and hung up after about half a minute. Straight to the point. I sat down opposite from him on the creamy divan. "So let's talk," he said.

"I'm scared," I said softly.

"What for, exactly?"

"I'm scared of doing it. I'm scared of losing my virginity," I said. "I'm scared of the pain."

Draco looked sympathetic and nodded. "I understand," he said. "I suppose that's every person's fear when they've never had sex before. It's something you have to put aside, I guess. Unless you want to remain a virgin until you die?"

"I can't imagine you being able to control yourself until I die," I said and snorted a bit. "You wouldn't be able to keep it in your pants."

"You're right, I wouldn't be able to," Draco snorted. "What do you want me to do? I don't know how to ease your fear."

"I know," I said and glanced at my knees. "I just don't like pain."

"No one does, Harry," Draco said. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and a voice on the other side said something that sounded like 'room-service'. He got up and opened the door. The lady walked in with a cart and delivered the food that Draco had ordered, even though I couldn't understand what he had said on the phone. The waitress smiled at Draco and left the hotel room. I got the feeling that she was interested in him. I felt relieved to know that Draco was one hundred percent gay and not bisexual like his ex was. "Bon appétit," he said and lifted the lid off a plate. There were croissants underneath it. The smell of food filled my nostrils. Draco took one croissant and sat back onto the sofa. "Hmm," he said and worked the entire thing in his mouth in less than half a minute. I guessed that he was hungry.

"I didn't expect you to be so disappointed yesterday," I said softly and also took a croissant. It was still warm.

"Was I that transparent?" Draco asked. "Yes, I was disappointed. But that doesn't matter now."

"It does to me," I said.

"I've never been with a virgin before," Draco said and took a second croissant off the plate. "So, I should probably be more patient. I shouldn't expect you to spread your legs for me whenever I please, so ..." He shrugged and took a bite. "It's only natural that you're hesitant, isn't it?"

"I suppose," I said hesitantly. "Let's stop talking about it," I added. "I never talked about sex as a teenager, and in school we talked little to none about the subject. Every time one of my friends said that they had had sex with a girl, I felt sort of disgusted. Even back then, I tried hard not to grimace whenever my friends spoke about the stuff they did with their girlfriends, even though it was against our religion."

"I thought that you wanted to stop talking about it?" Draco asked.

"Yeah, well," I shrugged. "I just wanted to say that the subject of sex was a bit of a taboo at my home. When I heard you talk about sex so casually and openly, it blew my mind a little."

"I suppose that's just New York mentality," Draco said. "We're a bit different from people down south, I suppose. In any case, I understand your point and don't worry about yesterday. Let's just enjoy Paris this weekend, because the meetings start on Monday."

"Yeah, about those meetings, where am I supposed to stay? Here?" I asked.

"Well, you can't be present at the meetings," Draco said. "You wouldn't understand shit of it, because we'll be speaking French, most likely and it's probably better if you stay here, yeah. You could go shopping or something."

"Shopping? I don't need anything, besides, I'd much rather shop with you instead of on my own. Besides, I don't know the value of those weird Euro coins."

"OK, we'll venture out into Paris together. The meetings only last about an hour or two, I think, and we have to make a few deals with the company here. The deal is probably made within a week or so."

"A week?" I asked. "Then what are we going to do here for two months? Why didn't you tell me that you only had to be here for a week?"

"I wanted to take you to Paris for longer than that," he shrugged. "Granted, the company only covers this trip for a week usually, but I decided that I wanted to be here for another seven weeks."

I gaped at him. He talked about it as if it was nothing. He talked about it as if a seven week trip to Paris wasn't expensive or anything. "But ... can I withdraw money here then?"

"Yes, you can. You'll have to exchange it to Euros though."

"OK," I said softly. Seven weeks of Paris sounded very good, but I was afraid that I would come home to an empty bank account. Best watch what I buy then. "I don't have millions in my bank account, you know."

"Me neither," Draco said. "But I've got enough to take a seven week trip to Paris."

"Apparently," I replied. "Well, er ... so what do you want to do the rest of this afternoon?"

"Well, tomorrow I wanted to tour through Paris by sightseeing bus, and I thought that we could relax this afternoon."

"That sounds nice. Would you like to take a bath with me, Mr. Malfoy?" I asked a bit coyly, and hoped that he would say yes. I hoped that he didn't choose to take distance from me after yesterday night.

"A bath, at―" he glanced at his watch, "―three in the afternoon?"

"Yeah, why not?" I offered. "A bath is relaxing, isn't it?"

"Sure, it is," Draco nodded. "Well, OK then." He got up, placed the lid back on the plate on the cart and went into the bedroom. He opened the door to the bathroom and ran the tub. I closed the window in the bathroom and shut the curtain that hung in front of it. It made it a little dark in the bathroom with the curtain shut, but I didn't mind at all. As my eyes got accustomed to the little light in the room, I realized that Draco was already stripping while he ran the water. I went into the bedroom, shut the curtains and undressed myself there. I kept my glasses on; otherwise I would see little to nothing―yes my eyesight is that bad. I went into the bathroom, shut the door and locked it behind me. Draco was already naked as well. He looked up when I approached him. I felt my cheeks heat up when Draco made it obvious that he was checking me out. He licked his lips and stepped into the tub after testing the water. He held out his hand, and I took it and stepped into the tub as well. Perhaps I hadn't mentioned it, but the tub was an easy fit for three people. I could probably move my legs this way and that if I wanted to, and we could probably get into a few very interesting positions.

Draco pulled me closer and wrapped his strong arms around my naked body. He kissed me softly and just hugged me. My arms went around Draco's neck while we stood there in the tub that was slowly filling. I wondered why Draco was hugging be, but I got the feeling that he was apologetic. I don't know why I thought that, but that was the vibe that he gave off.

"I love you," I whispered and kissed his lips softly.

"I love you too," Draco replied.

Somehow that caused me to smile broadly. That was the first time I think that Draco said it like that. He kissed me again, but this time he slipped his tongue into my mouth. Very slowly we went onto our knees and Draco absentmindedly turned the faucet off. I was starting to feel excited and let Draco know that by taking one of his hands that was on my waist and guided it towards my hardening penis.

"Naughty," Draco whispered and stroked my penis slowly.

"Yes, very naughty," I said. I sat down in the tub and pulled Draco on top of me without drowning. Draco made a noise―perhaps he was surprised by that move, but I just kept on kissing him and eventually he pushed his own erection against me. I took his hand that was wrapped around my penis and guided it between my legs. "Touch me there, please," I said softly, nearly moaning that entire sentence. Lust and desire was pulsing through my body and my mind was so clouded with all kinds of emotions.

"Do you want me to finger you, Harry?"

"Hmm, yes," I moaned. I spread my legs even more and wrapped them around Draco's waist. I had to be careful that I didn't go under water. I closed my eyes and groaned when three fingers went inside me. I had grown more accustomed to having something in there that it didn't even hurt with three fingers up there. I supposed the water made it easier. But, Lord, it felt good.

"God," Draco groaned beside me. "You're such a tease, Harry."

"Sorry," I moaned. "I'd like to have sex with you in the bathtub sometime." How on earth could I still make coherent sentences? I yelped loudly when I felt it again; that intense, almost fierce feeling. "Oh, please!" I groaned. I took Draco's very hard penis and guided it somewhere between my legs. I couldn't even keep my eyes open anymore. "Take your fingers out, Drake, please. Put it inside me."

"I don't have a condom here," Draco said. "Don't you think this location is a tad bit uncomfortable?"

"No!"

"We better move to the bedroom, Harry," Draco said softly and took his fingers out then. He took out the plug and I faintly heard a gurgling sound; the sound of water going down the drain. Now I was forced to move. My erection literally ached and I faintly recall it bobbing up and down as I walked into the bedroom. I lay on the bed with my legs spread, offering myself to Draco, who looked like he had to restrain himself from jumping onto the bed. I am sure that he recalled the events of last night perfectly well and I think that he was giving me enough time to back out. But I wasn't planning to, despite my fear. I remembered addressing the subject to Marc and Sirius―about the fact that there are gay couples who don't sleep together, that is. They told me that they did sleep together, and Marc looked kind of hesitant to talk about it, but Sirius spoke openly about their sex life, or about certain aspects of it, anyway. I told them that I was very afraid of the pain, but Marc assured me that that would definitely get less the more often I did it. I also told them that I had been thinking about it, but that I was just afraid. Sirius assured me that Draco knew what he was doing and that he knew how to handle me. I blushed slightly at that. I was sure that Draco knew, but ... his penis isn't exactly small. Marc and Sirius didn't even laugh at that but they said that had to experience it once before I could draw my conclusions.

Remembering that conversation, I agreed with experiencing it at least once before drawing my conclusions. I reached for the nightstand to my left and opened the drawer. Draco was watching me, I knew that. I took out the tube of lubrication and one wrapped condom. Apparently Draco had made plans for us here in Paris. Perhaps he wanted our first time to be in the city of love. I had to admit that that was romantic. I unwrapped the condom and sat up. I wanted to give Draco the condom, but he didn't reach for it. He kneeled onto the bed in front of me.

"Put it on me," he murmured. I felt a bit nervous at that, but I took hold of Draco's penis and tried to roll the condom down the entire thing.

It was easier than I thought it would be and after a couple of seconds it was on. I reached for the tube of lubrication and squirted some substance onto my hand. I slicked Draco's penis with it and licked my lips. Then I lay back and brought my lubricant slicked fingers between my legs. I couldn't quite get my fingers inside, but I was able to slick it down there somewhat. That fear crawled back into my mind again, but I couldn't possibly back out now. Not again. I pulled Draco on top of me to stop myself from backing out and to show Draco that I wasn't planning on backing out again. He kissed me softly and raised my thighs. I wound them around his waist and eagerly kissed him back. I tried to ignore the fact that Draco was very slowly pushing his penis inside me. My first reaction was to clench my sphincter and push him out. Draco stopped moving and after a couple of seconds, he pushed in a little bit more. I clenched my thighs around Draco's body and wrapped my arms around his neck to prevent him from looking at me. That would be embarrassing and I didn't want him to see my tears.

I won't lie; it hurt like hell, pardon my language. It seemed like it took forever until that entire thing was inside me. Suddenly Draco stopped moving. My breath came out laboured, but not because I was excited; I had to stop myself from sobbing. My butt burned with pain and there were tears staining my cheeks. I didn't want Draco to see me like that, so I deliberately held him close to my body.

"Are you OK?" Draco asked softly into my ear.

"I―no ... it hurts," I said. "It hurts, Draco."

"I'm sorry," Draco murmured. "Do you want me to pull out?"

"No," I said and shook my head. "I'm not backing out again."

Draco raised himself up. "Don't be so hard on yourself," he said sternly. "I'm not continuing if you're in too much pain."

"It's OK, Draco," I insisted. I was not going to back out again! "Move, please."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I replied. "I refuse to back out again, Draco. Move, now."

"OK," he said and kissed me softly. "I'm sorry." He lay back down on top of me and slowly moved out. It kept on burning and I squeezed my eyes shut. I wished that I could distract myself with something. My erection had gone away completely and I didn't think that I'd get hard again. Draco was enjoying himself though; it seemed that he couldn't stop making these soft groaning sounds. In any case, I was glad that Draco was enjoying it. I realized that I had been kind of selfish by denying Draco this kind of pleasure. I was willing to go through this pain, as long as Draco was enjoying it. I didn't want to sound like a martyr or anything, but Draco was my partner. I felt this kind of responsibility to make sure that he wasn't dissatisfied with our relationship. Suddenly Draco was moving inside differently. As if he was searching for something. It came as a surprise again when I got hit with that feeling. My hips jerked upwards and I made a sound of surprise. Apparently that gave Draco more confidence, because he moved in with more speed and repeatedly hit my prostate. I was finally beginning to enjoy this, even though it took for what I felt was an hour. I felt my chest tighten and I felt heat travelling down to my penis, surprisingly enough. The burning feeling began to fade away little and the pleasure began to built.

When I moaned softly, Draco moved in faster. "Ohh," I groaned. "Ahh!" I don't know how long it took, but I came after Draco persistently hit my prostate. My back arched upwards and my orgasm was even more powerful than those persistent thrusts against my prostate. I heard Draco groan beside me before he suddenly thrust in and came. I felt tired and I was sure that I was soaked with sweat. But it didn't matter. I felt less self-conscious around Draco than I was before we did anything this intimate. I also realized now that I was no longer a virgin.

After a couple of seconds―I think―Draco pulled out and told me to keep still for a moment. Draco switched on a lamp on the nightstand. I wondered what he was planning until I heard him sigh. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"You're bleeding," Draco said.

"What?" I said and felt my heart skip a beat in anxiousness. What did he mean with, 'you're bleeding'? "Blood? Where?"

"You're bleeding a little bit, but it's not uncommon after having anal sex for the first time. There's not much you can do about it, but if you keep on bleeding after tomorrow, then we'll go to the doctor, OK? Don't worry, Harry."

"Don't worry? I'm bleeding down there!"

"Calm down, Harry. It's not unheard of to bleed after your first time. Do you want me to clean it?"

"No!" I said immediately. "It's OK." I didn't want him to clean me up; he was my boyfriend not my mother. I saw Draco reach down, and I imagined that he took the condom off and dumped it in the trash bin.

"How do you feel?" Draco asked softly and lay down next to me.

"I feel a bit high," I said. "I'm sure I'll feel sore tomorrow or something. I feel very open ... is that normal?"

"It's a common feeling," Draco said and reached out with his hand. He caressed my face and kissed me softly. "I would've waited, you know? You didn't have to do it."

"I know, but I wanted to," I replied. "I didn't want to disappoint you again, for one. I was so hard, and so horny ... I just ... I remembered a conversation that I had with Sirius and Marc about it, and they told me that I should at least experience it once before drawing my conclusions. I didn't want to back out again and see that disappointment on your face."

"Harry, you weren't ready for this yet," Draco said. "I noticed it yesterday and I told myself that it would happen eventually when you would be _ready_. You weren't ready today, but you still lay there and let me invade your body in the most intimate way. Such an act requires a lot of trust between us, even if you were ready for it. It amazed me how much you trust me, but perhaps I shouldn't be surprised."

"Do you think there's any damage?" I asked. "I read in this book that damage can be caused when the other partner is too rough. Is there anything torn down there?"

I heard Draco sigh and roll out of bed. I wanted to ask where he was going until suddenly the lights went on. I squeezed my eyes shut at the brightness of it. Draco approached me again and took hold of my thighs. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Spread your legs and let me have a look," Draco said and kept my legs apart with his hands. "It's just little bit of blood, nothing serious. There isn't much that I can do about it, except clean it up and feel if there's anything torn inside."

My cheeks burned from embarrassment while Draco went into the bathroom and retrieved a wet cloth. I really wanted to turn the lights off so that he didn't see me. I squeaked when Draco started to wipe at my bottom. "Draco, please don't. It's really embarrassing."

"You wanted to know if there's anything torn, don't you? Besides, I've already seen all of you, Harry. You don't have to be embarrassed," Draco said, trying to sound reassuring, but I wasn't so easily reassured. "Can you give me the lube please?"

"Lube? What do you need that for?" I wondered.

"I need to feel the area with my fingers. Usually if there's anything torn, I'll most likely feel it," Draco said casually. I wondered how he could say such things so normally while we'd just had sex a few minutes ago. I hesitantly reached for the tube of lubrication on the nightstand and gave it to him. He didn't look at me, which probably helped, but I still felt very embarrassed. Draco slicked two fingers and brought them down. He gently inserted them into me and felt around. It felt strange to me, but also pleasurable. It felt nice after having a big erect penis in there. I covered my mouth with my hand and closed my eyes. "Well, I don't feel anything unusual," he said. "A little blood is normal, but if it keeps on bleeding after tomorrow, then you should see a doctor about it. There's nothing torn, for as far as I can tell."

"How can you tell anyway?" I managed to say.

"Well, Blaise bled the first two or three times when he wanted me to do him rough. He asked me to feel around for any torn tissue with my fingers. But Blaise wasn't a virgin when we had sex for the first time. I don't know how many times he'd done it before we met, but he wasn't inexperienced or anything. He knew what he liked; he knew what he could take and what not. Since he bled the first few times, I've been more cautious, despite Blaise's groans for more and harder. I've felt a little torn tissue with Blaise the first time when we did it rough, so I kind of know what it feels like. It felt sensitive he said afterwards when I felt around. Does this feel more sensitive than usual?" he asked.

"No ... no really," I said and shook my head. "It feels quite ... well, not normal, but not painful or anything. It's a bit sensitive, but I think that's because your big dick just went up there."

Draco snorted and took his fingers slowly out. He went into the bathroom and came back a few seconds later. I think he wiped his fingers on a towel or something. Then he returned to bed and lay down next to me.

"Seems like you planned something for us on this trip, eh? What with the condoms and all that you hid in the drawer of your nightstand." Draco looked away and a pink colour appeared on his cheeks. "Oh my, are you blushing?" I grinned.

"Am not," he denied. "I thought that it might happen in Paris, so I took something with me just in case."

"I'm glad that you did," I said and snuggled against Draco. "I thought that I would feel ripped apart."

"Well, I am glad that you don't feel ripped apart," Draco said and kissed the top of my head. "What do you think of a romantic picnic at those gorgeous gardens?"

"Tomorrow, you mean?"

"Yeah," Draco said. "I kind of fancy a picnic tomorrow with a lot of fruits and baguettes. I could feed you strawberries with my mouth," Draco whispered. "Tasting the juice on your lips ... sounds great, right?"

I snorted softly and wrapped my free arm around Draco's waist. "I love your romantic moments," I said. "A picnic sounds nice. Don't you have a meeting tomorrow, though?"

"Yes, I do, at ten in the morning. I think I'll be back around two hours later or something. I'll buy the food, a basket and I'll bring a big blanket to sit on. I already know the perfect location. There's this beautiful garden, surrounded by rose bushes and big trees ... It's lovely. I'm sure you'll like it."

When I woke up the following morning, I was surprised that I had slept the entire night, but I supposed that I was tired from certain activities yesterday. Draco was already gone, for I woke up alone. I turned onto my back and felt my bum ache a little. I groaned softly and got out of bed. I limped a little when walking and cursed under my breath. My butt hurt. I shouldn't have been surprised though; I was sure that it would hurt the following day. I desired a nice relaxing bath, so I limped into the bathroom. Damn Draco and that big dick of his. I didn't see bloodstains on the sheets where I lay, so I hoped that the bleeding had stopped. I ran the bath and squirted some vanilla scented soap into the tub. I went into the tub and hissed a little at the hot water against my bum. I sighed a little and watched the water and foam rise higher, covering more of my body. The water felt great and I heaved a deep sigh. I had no idea what the time was, but I stayed in the tub and soaked until my skin felt like a dried out prune, as Draco said a couple of days ago. I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander.

I believe I fell asleep in the tub, because my eyes snapped open when I heard something. I sat up and listened carefully. "Draco?" I called. "Is that you?" I heard some stumbling and then the door to the bathroom opened. I felt relieved when I saw that it was Draco.

"Hey," Draco said and approached me. He knelt down onto the tiles and kissed me. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," I said. "I just woke up actually. I decided to soak, but I fell asleep after some point. What time is it?"

"It's ten minutes past twelve," Draco said. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"It hurts a bit when I walk," I admitted. "Sitting in the tub hurts. I don't think that I will be able to sit at all today."

"OK," Draco nodded. "I'll leave you here to soak. Shall we leave to the garden when you've finished? I just bought all the food and something to drink after the meeting was over." He stood up and left the bathroom. He closed the door slowly behind him and left me alone. But to be honest, I didn't feel like soaking in the bathtub anymore. My skin was all wrinkled and I wanted to be with Draco now. I took the plug out of the tub and heard the water go down the drain and grabbed a towel. I hissed a little when I walked out of the bathroom. Apparently Draco waited for me in the bedroom. He was lying on the bed with his arms behind his head. He watched me walk in and frowned. "I think you're more than just sore, Harry. Are you still bleeding?"

"I don't think so," I said and shook my head. "There are no bloodstains on the mattress, so I don't think so."

"Do you want me to take a look?" Draco asked.

I kind of was against that, but I nodded anyway. I didn't have eyes in the back of my head, so I couldn't take a look myself. Quite frankly, I didn't even want to know what it looked like now. I took the towel off and lay down on the bed, albeit slowly. I grimaced when my butt hit the bed. Draco knelt in front of me and told me to keep my thighs up. His fingers brushed against me, but that didn't hurt or anything.

"It's a bit swollen," Draco said. "You're not bleeding anymore, that's a good thing."

"Oh, that's just great," I said and lowered my legs. Draco crawled on all fours towards me and lowered himself on top of me. He kissed me softly and smiled at me. "You're so sexy," I murmured.

"Why, thank you, Mr. Potter," Draco said. "Do you feel up for a picnic today?"

"If I can lie down then I'll be OK," I shrugged and ran my fingers through Draco's blond hair. "You're gorgeous, do you know that?"

"Thank you," Draco replied and smiled. "You better get dressed. The fruits are waiting to be eaten and the weather is nice. It's about seventy degrees Fahrenheit out. I do advise you to put on your coat, because there's a chilly wind out. Well, we're moving towards autumn anyway, eh? I'll leave you alone to get dressed and I'll see you in a few, OK?"

"Why are you so eager to get away from me?" I asked and frowned at him.

"I'm not eager to get away from you; I'm trying hard not to jump you, OK? Get dressed," he said and left the bedroom in a bit of a hurry.

I got dressed as fast as my body would allow me to. The soreness got less as the day went on and I could at least walk without a limp. Draco took me to this beautiful garden, surrounded by rose bushes and tall trees that had not yet lost their leaves. He laid a blanket on the ground and placed the basket with food and drinks in the middle of it. My belly fluttered at the romance of it. Draco held out his hand and I took it with a smile. We sat down next to each other on either side of the basket. I saw other couples sitting on a blanket as well, most of them were heterosexual couples. Draco opened the basket and took out a box of strawberries.

"Strawberries, my favourite fruit," I said and took one. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it before I even chewed properly on it. "They're good! Sweet and juicy."

"Hmm," Draco said and cupped my face in his hand. "I'd like to have a taste too," he said and leaned in. He kissed me on my lips and a couple of seconds later, I felt his tongue slide in. That piercing caused my chest to tighten with excitement every time. I was surprised, because we were in public. He pulled away and licked his lips.

"Sweet and juicy, yeah," Draco said.

We spent the afternoon on the blanket, feeding each other strawberries and grapes. We drank orange juice and talked about everything that came to mind. I knew that there were people looking at us, but I tried not to be too bothered by it. I had a great time and my butt wasn't hurting me too much anymore. When it was about four in the afternoon, we decided to head back to the hotel because it was getting colder. We had eaten all of the fruits and in the end we didn't really have dinner because we'd already eaten French baguettes and fruits. Draco took my hand in his and led me into the elevator. My chest tightened with anxiety, but Draco was with me, which helped me calm down a little bit. We arrived at our floor and walked down the hallway until we reached our room. Draco opened the door and let me in first.

I turned around with a big smile on my face. "I had a great time at the garden. You were right, it was beautiful."

Draco returned the smile and took off his long black coat. "I'm glad that you enjoyed it."

"And you even kissed me in public," I said, smiling even broader. "And it was a real kiss too. Perhaps it might not mean a lot to you, but it did to me. I know that you dislike PDA, so I'm glad that you decided to shove your dislike away for a brief moment."

"Well, I'm glad that you didn't shove me away," Draco said. "I knew that you knew that there were people looking at us, but I suppose that's unavoidable."

"Yes, well, either way, I had a blast. Thank you," I said sincerely and approached Draco. He wrapped his arms around my waist and looked down at me. "I really love you a lot. I'm glad that this worked out well."

"Me too," Draco said and leaned down. We kissed until I pulled away for some much needed air. I knew that he was getting excited, as did I, but I wasn't sure about having sex again tonight. I think that he knew that, for he pulled away and sat down on the sofa.

"Draco ...," I said and sat down next to him.

"Shall we just watch TV tonight?" Draco asked and turned the TV―that I didn't know there was―on.

"Yeah, OK," I nodded. "Are there any American channels on this TV?"

Draco shrugged as if he didn't know, but he was switching channels quite fast. I heard a few French words, until I saw something on the TV that triggered a memory from a few months ago. On the TV was Tom Cruise seen on a stage, mumbling like a drunken man about some war he had fought in or something. I couldn't quite make out that drunken rambling.

"We're so going to watch this," Draco said. "It's _The Last Samurai_ with Tom Cruise. Apparently the movie just started."

"You are really obsessed with the Japanese and samurai, aren't you?" I asked and rolled my eyes when Draco grinned and enthusiastically nodded.

"**Yes, that's right,**" he said. "**I enjoy watching these kinds of movies. They're so interesting and historical, really. I mean, those temples are real temples and those people are real Japanese people. At least Tom Cruise's Japanese accent isn't too horrible, but I believe that I have mentioned that before,**" he said and looked thoughtful.

"I have no idea what you just said," I said. "It sounded sexy."

"It did?" Draco asked. "I'll remember that. Now let's watch the movie," he said and was actually excited. I rolled my eyes, but smiled anyway. I'd never seen Draco like that before. Now I didn't feel excluded anymore and now I knew what Draco was like when watching a movie that he clearly found interesting and enjoyable to watch. I've come a long way, but in the end it was all worth it. My parents couldn't have been more wrong about this 'lifestyle'. It was great and I've found the love of my life, something which I'd doubt that I would find if I chose to accept myself. I had never been happier and my time with Draco in Paris was the highlight of my journey.

_The End_


End file.
